Hi Liz Marie, Yes, this DD is the very same :) We have met his family, the part that lives in this state. His family seems genuinley excited about the baby, his mother says the baby should live with her out of state until he is ready to raise her. The dad (who lives 2 blocks away) is tickled pink with both DD and baby, but doesnt get along with BF. Both his parents were shocked when they found out that he has gone to 2 OB appts, and neither of the hospital runs. DH has always been a 'let it go', laid back person was rather upset with me for the accidental texting, and initally said this whole blow up is my fault. He had talked to BF who puts on a very different face when Daddy is around. I had DH read the text message BF sent me, then had him listen to the voice mail I received today (which was not even remotley polite). DH is no longer convinced I am the one at fault (except for that damned original text). DH feels that BF is controlling, but just needs to grow up. He at one point was going to ask BF to stop coming over but decided we need to all try to 'get along' because BF will be part of DD life forever. DD decided not to put his name on birth certificate, he will have to petion the courts after he gets his DNA results. Because she is (Hopefully) close to delivery, DH and I decided that when BF comes to check on her, visit, whatever, for the time being, I will just leave the house to keep the peace. FIL is here to make sure she is safe (BF likes to yell at her) so with me gone, tension will be reduced. She does plan on nursing, and stress does affect it. We just honestly are not sure what DD rights are once GD gets here regarding the father. He has already threatened more than once to take custody Tracystoke-Quite frankly, my drink was a cup of black coffee, my preferred 'drug' of choice. While texting myself does actually sound childish, it is technique I learned from the CEO of the #3 Credit Union in the US who mentored me for a few years. While at the time, writing on paper and putting in a drawer was the preferred method, with todays technology, I simply use my phone. I went back and re-read to see if I was slanting the story in my favor. Asking for help on an inaccurate situation would help noone, least of all DD and GD. I have done alot of soul searching in the last few months, since BF first told me I am a 'control-freak'. Honestly, I have to say, I am not. I am not a perfect mother. I offer advice, sometimes when it isnt asked for, I give opinions, whether my kids like them or not. I set rules, and try to enforce them. When my kids make mistakes, sometimes the consequences really suck, but they pay them. Sometimes, so do her father and I. When my children are at stake however, there are no boundries. When a 26 yo impregnates an 18 yo, calls her a tramp, accuses 3 different boys who have been 'brothers' to her since the age of 5 of fathering the child, criticizes her job, her friends, her AA program, her values, then begins to tell her how to make her life 'better'. I cringe. When a household that for the last 10 years has been filled with laughter and bodies of first adolecents, then teens slowly empties after his arrival until he, and his friends, are the only ones who come by, I have to wonder, am I truly the problem?

--"When son pouts because he doesn't like the food, BF is the one who will say go to your room, then son says no, I'll be good and then BF changes his mind and doesn't make him go. Then two seconds later son does the same thing again, BF says go to your room, again, son says noooooo, BF backs off again. Then a few minutes MORE minutes pass, BF sees son making a face again or not eating the food. He says "go to your room" AGAIN, son says "noooooooooo" BF AGAIN backs off, AGAIN. "-- The son has learned that his father is all mouth and no action. Why would son jump up and run to his room? Kid knows father is not serious, even if dad means it when it pops out of his mouth he is not going to mean it two seconds later. Actually if me I might just reach over and remove child's plate adding that 'well, we'd certainly not want to poison you so it was your choice, be polite and eat or sit there hungry until the rest of us are finished'. I myself have a picky eater but I've learned to work around her...look up some of the threads about refusing to eat and pouting over food here, there are lots. Is the food really something he hates or just not what he wants to eat? Is the food when you and the girls come over different then the food BF and son eat when you are not there? Another thought, does BF and son even eat meals at the table when you and girls are not present? Last thought on this table/food bit...does son even realize he is making faces? And when Dad first announces 'go to your room', does Dad state why child is being told to leave table and go to room? I have a pencil/foot tapper, half the time he is not even aware he is doing it...in school teacher must state '______ please stop tapping _______'. If she/he announces 'stop that', my son was like 'stop what, I didn't do anything'. LOL. Once teacher learned how to address the offense things got much better between teacher/son. My son is ADD, not ADHD and he went through his high school years non-meds. It was only during his grade shcool years he needed a bit of medication assistance during school hours. Not saying this child is ADD/ADHD but reading what you're saying and how you are presenting it flashes imagines of my oldest son back to me during his preteen years.

Webegardnr ... I commend you and wish you much future happiness. I think BM getting along with Dad and SM is of vital importance. You have been able to negotiate a most difficult situation. Canine, if BM is a psycho now - just wait. It will get worse. Or perhaps, she is upset because her still married husband is seeing someone else. (That would make any woman psycho). That will also set the stage for her hating you forever because if she is in a situation where she was thinking she get get him back if you weren't in the picture - you will always be considered the villain and the tug of war will last forever. If you listen to statistics ... only about 30-35% of second marriages succeed. Childless second marriages fair much better. Its easy to see why. You are 38 yourself, so you are not a child and hopefully know yourself well enough to know if you are strong enough to handle what's ahead. If you have feelings of jealousy now - its not a good sign. You should resolve that now. I, for one, could never be a step mom. When a child comes into your home, you have to understand that it is much different than a child of your own that you raised for 10 years with your rules and expectations and desired behavior (even then - its dicey-LOL). Different people value different characteristics and have different disciplinary expectations. For example ... my sister in law is a finger print maniac. Don't ever ever touch the switchplate in her home when you turn on the light ... or use the wall to balance yourself going up the staircase. She is raising 7 children that know it is better to roll down the stairs than to use the wall next to the staircase to brace yourself against a fall. However, these same kids think nothing of riding their bikes over neighbors lawns, the 17 year old is allowed to go to drinking parties, etc. Definitely different priorities than in my home. Ok ... how do you take a child from one environment and have him fit well into a totally different one for 4 days a month. Its tough. I love children. I was a a Girl Scout Leader for 11 years, worked in elementary school, etc. I have dealt with some very difficult children, but ..... there were some that I was so happy to say goodbye to after being with them for 2 hours that I literally did the dance of joy!!! As much as I love children, I could never be a stepmother. What goes on in a workplace is different than coming home and having to deal with it. My home is my refuge. The only place I can control to suit me. My little world. Don't let me scare you away from this relationship, if you know in your heart that you can handle it and do whatever is in the best interest of the child (not you). That child will always be number 1 in many situations. If you think you could be a step- mom , that child could also be the greatest gift of your life in the long run. Step parenting is like a mine field from what I have read here. My sister is now going through a divorce after a very long marriage and we were laughing about her prospects of her finding a man with no baggage ... ex wives, children, ill parents living with him,addictions, incarcerations, nasty habits etc, etc !!! She knows that she could not handle children - adult or otherwise and would never attempt it. My brother has a wonderful girlfriend that chooses not to marry him until his 5 children are grown for several reasons. She is accustomed to her place being hers. (We get that way when we're a little long in the tooth). She also does not want to have her income pay for child support and other children's needs (which it would in the state in which they live). They have been together for 7 years now and when the youngest is 18 in about 5 years, they plan to marry and have a place of their own. She actually gets along very well with his children and they adore her, but she know she does not want to be a mother again, nor share her home with children. That doesn't make her bad. It means she's smart enough to know her own limitations and not get herself into a situation she doesn't want to handle. (She is so sweet I know she could handle it if she wanted to, but why add stress to your life). We had our first child after 12 years of marriage when I was on the shady side of 32 and it was a major (I am talking major) adjustment from the self absorbed life we had led as a couple to having to meet someone else's needs 24/7. Mine are in their teens now and believe it or not ... those younger years were the piece of cake. Our daughter just got her driver's license and we purchased a used car for her (12k), insurance costs 216 per month until she's 21, homecoming cost $500, senior year photos $860, and all that I give willingly because she's my angel .... the part I can't handle is the waiting for her to get home safely, the dating scene (quite a bit different than I was last out there in 1972), worrying about college acceptance, life choices, future plans, broken hearts, etc. I can see that I will be on prozac soon. Our son has completely different sets of problems (broken arm in football), doctor appointments that never end, driving to and picking up from football every single day (twice a day in the summer),miserable Spanish teacher, driver's ed, legs that grown an inch a week, a room that reeks of teenage boy smell no matter how clean it looks (what is that anywyas?). Its something you do gladly and willingly, do without financially, emotionally and logistically because they are your world. Could I do that for a child that I didn't raise - I don't think so. If you can, your rewards will be many or if you can't follow through with this relationship - it can be a living hell. Depends also on the Dad (your BF) and how willing he will be to support your needs as a Step Mom. Whatever you choose - much luck. Its not easy to make a rational choice when your heart is clouding your brain.

I read your original post and pretty much skipped the follow ups because I want to respond, just to YOUR post and not the opinions of others. "she left him after 11 years when she becamse pregnant by a bf. She now lives with the bf, who is abusive physically and verbally, and the 3 kids live with her too because they go to school there and their dad works at a feed lot FULL TIME!!" Working full time is NO reason to leave your three children in a situation with a physically & verbally abusive stepdad or worse, just her boyfriend. "OK, so the problem. The kids spend weekends and some holidays and summer with us. When they are at our house, I am with them all day when he is working. I discipline and hand out chores and rewards...all the things expected of a mother. We get along very well and my bf backs me up when needed. Recently we recieved the 13 year olds grades from first nine weeks and she is basically flunking all core classed. I'm talking C's and D's. (and not even a C+). My bf was upset too and we talked and he talked with the ex. I also e-mailed his 13 year old about how I felt. I am a teacher, so I thought maybe I'd have a different insight. They never bring homework with them on the weekends and I told her I want to see homework from now on. The next night the ex called my bf and was very upset that I e-mailed and he talked to her for 30 minutes and seemed to agree with everything she said. Then he was angry at me and when I tried to defend myself....he kicked me out." I disagree with anyone that says you were trying to assume "parental" anything. You were however, the babysitter while he was at work. Before my now husband moved in, I kept his daughter when she didn't have school and he had to work (on his weeks because he had her every other week) I don't have a problem with that. Your post is titled "future?" so I assume you'd like to marry this guy and if he felt that way about you, he would value YOUR opinion. The fact that he threw you out is a clear sign that he still lets his ex rule his life and that's not a place you want to be. I guarantee it. "Was I wrong??? I just don't think it's fair to ask me to perform motherly responsibilities when they are staying with us, but I have no say otherwise if it makes the ex angry. I feel that at least I am a good influence on their lives. The ex's bf is an abusive jerk who is definately involved in the kids lives...so how much room does she have to talk??" I don't think you were wrong to have an opinion about her grades and wanting to help her. You are a teacher and that was a positive. The fact that she would rather be jealous that it's coming from you because you are with him, is her problem. It only became your problem when he listened to her and threw you out. Do you think that if her teacher from school called and said what you did, she would have had a problem with it? I don't. "The 13 year old e-mailed me back and said she was trying in school but her homework is always late because she has practice right after school and then babysits for her little sister til 11pm when her mom finally comes home from work. Then she doesn't have time. I just don't feel she has her priorities straight. If she can't keep up with school work, then maybe she shouldn't be playing ball at school. And what is wrong with asking them to bring homework to our house on the weekends so I can help them??" If you are back with your BF, I wouldn't worry about it. If she asks for your help, offer it but for now, he hasn't put a ring on your finger and you are not responsible for his kids. You can be their friend and help if you want, but it's not the same as "mothering" although I think I know what you mean. When my kids were young, our house was where all the kids wanted to play because we had a pool. and I considered feeding or teaching them things, mothering. I heard the phrase "turf war" used and I agree, too many moms and step mom's get so far into a battle that the kids get sucked into a war zone. I don't see it too much with men but I'm sure that happens too. "I guess I just don't know how to disengage when I have to be a "parent" part of the time. If I am to be with my bf, i want to be a part of their lives too. And not just their friend. Am I in the wrong?? I feel he owes me an apology and needs to acknowledge what I do for his children. Is that wrong?? Please give me some advice because I am hurting right now and don't know where to go from here." You have to disengage until he marries you. Until he does that, you are nothing more than a friend to his kids. I would think hard and seriously before continuing to be with a guy that has already thrown you out and allows you to take care of his kids when he can't. To be honest, it sounds like you may have some "codependency" issues because you can't fix things, especially if your BF and his ex don't want you to. Why are you even bothering???