What does being Catholic have to do with proposing? Everybody in my state is Catholic (well not really, but it certainly seems like it sometimes) and there are still a lot of out-of-wedlock births.

Because they talked about living together awhile back and he said that he couldn't live with someone unless he was married or about to marry... So I have a feeling that he will also feel that he should marry someone he is going to have a baby with.
Way to be constructive.

I think you've done a wonderful thing by telling A__ that he can ask questions. I do not know how old he is, I'am guessing in elementary school.

I don't know if it would be appropriate to work into a conversation about the baby that sometimes things go wrong. Like I said, I don't know how old he is.

Perhaps if you and DH would offer to have A__ more often during the pregnancy that would encourage BM to take it easy if she is ordered to. Just a suggestion on that issue. That might transition into A__ continuing to spend more time with you guys after the baby is born and A__ won't feel like he is being ignored. I don't know what the visitation agreement is for DH. Do you think that if BM is going to ignore A__ that she might want to change agreement after the baby arrives?

Ceph...I'm just throwing a couple of things out there. All you really can do is what the BM and DH will let you do. It is wonderful that you are so concerned about A__.

Believer, those are great ideas! Thank you.

A__ is 9.

Offering to take A__ more during the pregnancy probably would help her take it easier if she is ordered too.

We don't have a CO at all (FDH isn't A__'s biological father, so it's all pretty laid-back) but we have A__ about a third of the time, on average.
I'm concerned about both ends of the pendulum: That she will get so wrapped up in the baby and her BF that A__ would feel shut out -OR- that she would feel so overly-compelled to include A__, that we would never see him anymore. We love having A__ with us, and he is such an important part of our lives that we would never want to lose him, but we also don't "want" him all the time because he needs to be with his mom too.

Maybe I will talk to A__ a bit about pregnancy and so on, and tell about my sister's and my mom's miscarriages... But I also don't want to worry him or overstep. I'll have to talk to FDH about what he thinks on this one (although I doubt he has any clue about the frequency of miscarriage, or the complications and increased risk of endometriosis... but he knows A__)

I don't think that there is any way to "warn" A about the risks of miscarriage without making him worry.

Only 10-20% of known pregnancies miscarry. There is a high probability that she will carry to term, even if it is a high risk pregnancy. If A "won't understand if she miscarries" how will he understand miscarriage if you try to explain it to him theoretically?

I meant that he wouldn't understand why or that it was a common occurrence. Not that he wouldn't understand the concept.

I don't want to worry him, but I remember the first time someone I knew miscarried, and I was SHOCKED. Once I found out this was normal, I was appalled that no one had ever mentioned this phenomenon to me. Having talked to other friends, they had fairly similar reactions, being angry/confused that no one had ever mentioned this until it happened to someone they knew.

It's not that I would explain percentages to him, but if it comes up somehow, I may mention that my mom, sister and stepsisters have all lost babies and that usually everything is good, but sometimes something goes wrong. Like I said, this is something that FDH and I will talk about and if he thinks A__ will worry or if he would prefer to know that sometimes things don't work out.

You know, for someone who insists that her own children know every detail of everything in life that they don't actually need to know because it's none of their d@mn business, you sure want to keep other people's kids in the dark about the actual facts of life that could directly affect them.

ceph....Troll, trolls, trolls.:o)

Oh boy Ceph ~ that's a doozy. A hug for you . . . so much to deal with and worry about. And on top of the wedding, too!

When SD's mom spilled that she was pregnant (happened on the honeymoon with the man she'd been with for about 9 months) SD was shocked, and a little less than excited. She felt, at 11, that she was not on the top of the priority list in mom's life and that this new man, new marriage and new child would push her even farther from the top. She was pretty much correct, sadly. If A__ is excited then maybe he doesn't share the realization that he will likely lose some of his mom time, and that is a good thing. I think all you can do is continue to be there as an open sounding board and encourage him to talk out any fears, concerns, excitement, etc. I don't know about being the ones to discuss miscarriage with him though - I think BM might freak out, as if you were trying to 'jinx her' or something. I would talk with FDH though and get his take - if the talk is had I would make sure he is involved.

Best to you - hang in there.

Ceph, this is Kathy in Washington. I'd like to send you a private message, but don't have a direct email access to you. If you'll email me, I'll reply. Thanks.

Kathy in Washington

Each time I told my children that I was expecting, I certainly didn't say, "But don't get your hopes up, there's a non-trivial chance that I could miscarry." Geez - I didn't even think that myself.

I think the only reason that Ceph was mentioning this miscarriage issue was that BM is in a high risk category and she was concerned about whether or not A__ could possibly be prepared for that in some way. I've been thinking about this a lot since first reading the post and I don't know if or how I would talk to a 9 year old about it. I just don't know. I'm sure that when I was pregnant with my first child and my SD was 13 we talked about it. She was 13 though and I couldn't tell you what was said.

I don't think it has been mentioned how far along BM is in her pregnancy. Parents often wait to tell younger kids but something can always go wrong....I'm leaning towards not telling him about the possibilities.

fwiw, my mom miscarried when I was about A__'s age, and I don't remember being particularly traumatized by it. I think I just thought it was disappointing, or a little sad, that oh, I'm not going to get a new baby brother or sister after all. I think at that age, a new baby was more a neat idea that didn't pan out rather than a brother or sister that died.

Yea this is definately a toughy.......more than likely, if there is any change after the baby is born I think it will be that you all have A__ more often, which could very well be a good thing because if I remember right BM tends to slack every now and then on her parenting responsibilities....I would be prepared though that at first BM may want to include A_ in every aspect of her new family..all you can do is be supportive to A_ and ride it out..my guess though is that with her on again off again mom of the year stuff (please correct me if I am wrong about that) that it wont last long ans you will have A_ more....
I know you dont want A_ to get hurt, especially if BM has a miscarriage and he doesn't uderstand, but honestly I dont think I would say anythingto him about miscarriages, I think it will make him worry, and to worry for the next 9 mos that his bro/sister may die I think would be too much, life happens and death happens, if a relative was killed in a n accident, thisw would be a shock to A_ as well, but you would hold him and love him and deal with it as a family should....I think the same thing should apply here...
Change is scary and it is even scaryier if it is something that affects you but you cant fix or change or make better...all you can do is throw all of your energy into loving,supporting and being there for A_ no matter what....

His mother could die of eclampsia, too, but I don't think it would be a good idea to warn him about that, either. It is one thing to be aware of miscarriage in a hypothetical sense, when your mother is not actually pregnant, but telling him now is just going to stress him out. If his mother miscarries, he is going to be very upset whether or not he knew about the possibility ahead of time. I am sure his mother would not appreciate his obsessing about it, or seeking repeated reassurances from her that she is not about to miscarry every time she doesn't feel well.

A true "believer" would stick to the issue at hand and not start with the childish name calling. WWJD

Ceph, other than answer your SS's questions and being there for him if something happens, there isnt any more you can do to help him. Kids all process their mom's pregnancy differently, and its way too early for A_ to know what he really feels about it, or to see how its going to affect everyone.

I do think that you will end up with A_ at least as much, not less. A_ likes to be with you and his dad, because the two of you have built a good relationship. That is not going to change. BM in your instance also isnt trying to keep A_ from you.

I had another paragraphy typed but I eliminated it because it was questioning A_'s bm, and that wasnt kind of me. I will keep my fingers shut :D

"OR- that she would feel so overly-compelled to include A__, that we would never see him anymore."

FDH had never even considered this option until it started happening. We always thought the opposite; that he would have more time with FSD once the baby came. Boy was he ever wrong. BM wanted her happy little perfect family and she steadily worked FDH out of FSD's life. Now they live over 600 miles away near BMs family. FSD calls SF "Dad" (and has since BM found out she was pregnant so as not to confuse the baby, whatever) and everyone in BMs family refers to SF as "Dad". They do all kinds of "family" things and FDH just gets a call here-and-there.

Not saying that you will have this particular experience, but I am glad you are at least considering the possibility. In order to hedge this, maybe make some long-term plans for maybe a vacation or roadtrip or something for after the baby is due. That way you kind of have something A___ can look forward to besides the baby. That may also be able to give BM some rest time. IDK, just a thought. We tried this with FSD and it worked relatively well for a while. Then at least if something, God forbid, does happen to the baby, A___ still has something to look forward to.

I don't know your FSS so I'm really not sure how much worrying he does, but if it was my DS, I wouldn't really be talking about it much at our home. He's going to be inundated with info about it at BMs place. Maybe your home could be like a "vacation" from baby talk.

After a good talk with FDH and a good sleep, I'm still just as worried about A__ being hurt by all these things, but feeling a little better about the "take it as it comes" side of things.

We've decided that since we'll have probably have A__ a lot this year anyhow, we're going to make some extra effort to make sure he feels VERY included and loved with us.

We decided that if we were trying to get pregnant, or had accidentally become pregnant, we would definitely wait and/or talk about miscarriage with him, but that (in our opinion) telling him so early was BM's screw-up and we'll just cross our fingers that everything works out and A__ doesn't have his hopes crushed.

When I first mentioned that I was concerned about BM moving A__ further down the list, FDH was like "Huh??" but when I explained that I was worried because A__ often gets the back burner when her "girlfriend hat" was more attractive than her "mom hat," and a "new family hat" is a VERY attractive hat, he switched from "Huh?" to "Oh no... Good point. Sh17."

So anyhow, still equally as worried, but feeling less like I'm watching a trainwreck.

Oh, and Kathy, use ceph.sask -AT- yahoo.ca if you want to email me. I'd love to hear from you.

I did not read very far down in the replies. But I understand your worry about bm telling A__ about her pregnancy with the risk of miscarriage.

My skids BM was pregnant a while back and miscarried. She had already told the kids about the pregnancy so then she told them how their sibling died. The younger two did not fully understand it and talked about their "dead brother or sister". SD even drew pictures of the grave and talked about it a lot at first. I think it was very confusing for them. Luckily BM learned from that mistake and in her next pregnancieS (yes she is a baby machine!) she waited until after about 4-5 months to even tell them. I thought that was good because she was past the normal miscarriage stage.

Kathline....are you referring to me? Please be more specific.

Kathline....you're referring to the troll thing???? Get over it... Don't snip at me and don't tell me what a true "believer" would do. I don't need your advice nor did I ask for it. It's funny that you would pick out that comment...is it because of my "name"? People have said much worse on this site......It was directed at people that agree with me and to those whom I have had conversations with in the past so butt out. It doesn't concern you. I'll post what I please.....everyone else does. Do you police them or is it just a chance to throw the "WWJD" thing out there.

Yes believer, it was directed at you.

I find it both amusing, and pathetic, that someone who has been here less than a week has already resorted to the kind of name calling that junior high children commonly do.

I think TOS has a huge chip on her shoulder. I think she sees with blinders on, and I think she thinks that every step mother in the world is evil incarnate. She assumes that every Stepmom in the world got her husband by cheating with him, and she looks for little things to prove that to herself. I think she is hurting herself by her inability to get past things. She is a deeply wounded person.

But she isnt a troll. Yes, you are free to post whatever you wish, although someone, somewhere down the road is probably going to b*tch and moan that the post is off track ( which only seems to happen when its someone you dont agree with)

For what its worth, there are a lot of posters here with chips on their shoulder, of a different kind of wood. Many of us have our present situations influenced by our attitudes about things that have happened in the past. Its hard sometimes not to say anything, I know. My own past has been EXTREMELY negatively impacted by psuedo religion, so of course I am going to pick out the inconsistency in your faith,when you denigrate someone you dont even know. LIve with it, or ignore me, Your opinion of me doesnt matter in the least to me.

Since you made a point of mentioning how you follow God in a previous post,I am merely pointing out that your attitude in name calling is very out of line with your supposed faith. IF that stings, thats your problem. If it doesnt, then why bother reacting.

Perhaps you should take your own advice. I notice you posted this on another topic "We could do much more good if we changed our attitudes from bitter, negative and hateful to that of a person who has lessons to pass on from experience. All of us have had a great deal to handle throughout our lives it seems."

Had that been there when I posted my response on this topic to you, I wouldnt have commented as I did. It seems you DO understand the need to keep the name calling down to a minimum, and the understanding to a maximum. Maybe its just that you think it shouldnt apply to you?

I do thank you for confirming what I believe about religious people :) After living in the bible belt for the last few years, I have learned a lot about what faith is...and obviously isnt.

If he is such a religious catholic he would probably propose before she got pregnant or even before they went to bed together.

other than that it should be a happy event for A, it is nice to have siblings. I hope she won't misscarry. i would not say anything negative to A, just good things. Hope BM follows what doctors say.

Kathline....On another subject I had offered an apology for the negative things that I have said. It doesn't look as though you found that posting. I had posted the apology before you and I got into things over the "troll" posting.The "troll" posting was an encouragement meant for "ceph" so that she wouldn't be discouraged by the negative things that were directed towards her. I do have a temper and tend to get caught up in the bitterness that is posted here.

You are right. I should take my own advice and will try harder in the future.

Your comment about "religious" people isn't true. We all make mistakes, bad choices and give into our nasty selves from time to time. I'm sorry that you have had such experiences that cause you to believe that we are all so bad. I am unhappy with myself over all of this and wish that I could take things back but I can't. You are right that I have behaved childishly. You are right that I don't know these people very well. I do try to follow God most of the time but on this issue I followed my own opinion.

What you said to me really hurt my feelings and made me stop and think about how I had behaved. I was wrong. I have even checked this site to see how I can get off of it. I don't think I'm cut out for this.

Believer,

Stay. I admit it, I am an idiot about religion. Sometime when I know you better, I may explain why.

I just get bothered by the name calling, because I tend to see people's hurt. We all have our own weaknesses, strenghts and past pains that have affected our today persona.

There are so many different backgrounds and different stories in the regular posters here that sometimes I just am amazed at what some people have lived through. Your own life doesnt sound as if it was a picnic.

I had a rough week and I jumped you because you pushed a button. Dont let me run you off. I promise, I dont bite, and you can put ear muffs on and drown out my bark.

Ceph- I understand the fear of telling A---- because of miscarriage perfectly. We didn't know whether to mention it to the girls or not untill I had made it through the first trimester either. We debated on it a few hours before mentioning it to the girls.

In the end we were both just too dang excited to keep it from them. If something would have happened we would of explained it to them then. Luckily so far so good and God willing the last few months will be equally as smooth.

No real advice. I guess just wanted to say I didn't think you were being ridiculous for having concerns....alot of people tell NO ONE they are pregnant untill their fourth month out of fear of complications.