my DD was often awful when she was sick. She still is. she is nice to other people thouhg, just awful to her family. last year DD (mind you, an adult) had difficult oral surgery and was in a lot of pain. she was mean to me which she apologized later for, she said I am in pain but I still have to pretend wiht strangers that i am OK but i don't have to pretend wiht mommy. so be happy he treats you badly, it means he thinks you are family and don't need pretending. :)

Yes, you should stop comparing because no on can tell exactly where you are emotionally with your SS, and I wonder if you know. In all your posts about SS and your vents that I have read, I hear your compassion and think you're great in terrible situations. Actually, I think you go way too far, but I never read anything that indicates intimacy/closeness between the two of you. So, I can't say if perhaps he wants to snuggle, as he likely wants to do with his mom but doesn't feel welcome to do that with you, which is contributing to his bad mood. And I can't tell if you want him to, which I don't think you do because while you're doing what is expected of you and trying to make him comfortable by making different suggestions, you didn't say you tried to hug or snuggle him. I expect there is no love lost between the two of you due to what you've gone through, but you aren't recognizing how you perpetuate that. Consider this post and the one from yesterday. No way would it occur to you to reach out to SS, yet you note he and your daughter are the same age and compare his responses to hers without considering actually remembering they are the same age with the same needs or that you don't keep DD an arm's length away.

" I expect there is no love lost between the two of you due to what you've gone through, but you aren't recognizing how you perpetuate that."

No, I do know. I think I said that yesterday. I totally keep my distance from SS. And a part of me really doesn't care if we are ever close. It's been too, too much and I feel like it's just zapped me of any "want" or "desire" for things to be better than mediocre. I don't really want it at this point in time, it just feels easier to keep my distance.

I am SURE he picks up on that. And then I feel crappier than ever. I get overwhelmed with guilt....mostly related to my DD....like, I just feel if I show him too much affection, I am being disloyal to her? I know that is irrational. I don't know how to change it though?

UGHHHHHH. I feel like I need to get back into counseling because I feel like I'm backsliding in regards to my relationship with SS.

Is it just me or is that EXTREMELY contagious? What was BM thinking sending him over there in the first place? I would never send my kid to another household knowing they were sick/contagious. This goes double if other kids reside there.

Honestly, I think your husband is putting TOO MUCH on you. He is going off to work and if BM was willing to keep her son, and now the son is sick, he should relent and let his son be with his mom. His son is probably angry that he can't be with either of his parents... I don't think it's personal against you. He's sick and wants his parents... can't blame him for being angry.

I also believe there is a difference between boys and girls in that boys are less 'cuddly', even if you had an excellent relationship with him.

It is REALLY contagious, Doodle. I've been wiping down door handles and the faucets w/disinfecting wipes, not letting SS near DD's room, changed his sheets, pillowcase, etc. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to feel too terrible---he slept for a couple hours this morning and has been playing Wii for awhile now and seems to feel *okay.*

But in fairness to BM--she didn't know SS was sick yesterday. He was at school all day and was fine. He seemed fine when we picked him up. He didn't start acting irritable until late afternoon, closer to dinnertime.

It wasn't until DH talked to BM around 8 and said that SS had a fever that she said "oh, baby sis has hand, foot & mouth." And apparently, SHE got it from BM's sister---whom they all saw over the weekend.

It's not surprising at all that SS caught it. It is really contagious. Unfortunately, the damage is already done.

DH and I don't really switch weekends or prevent custody time due to illness. It just seems to be too much hassle. We kind of view it as "well, if SS were with us all the time, what would we do?? The answer is he would be here. I don't send DD away when she gets sick, and there are times she's exposed SS, it all kind of goes back and forth.

Now0---this is not to say that if SS were puking at mom's that I'd really want him coming over??? I probably would want to delay/reschedule custody time in a case like with, with icky stomach flu. DH would *probably* feel the same way as he is a germ-o-phobe!

We've never had a situation like that, thankfully.

Three years ago, though. DD got a parasite called cryptosporidium. It was NASTY. We are 99% sure she picked it up from a waterpark we went to! It's mostly transmitted through contaminated water (ie--public pools.) It is a reportable disease and the health dept. called me and went through a long list of questions like what states had we been to, what restaurants had we eaten at, what pools did we swim at, etc. When I said the waterpark they said this was following a pattern.

Anyway--it was a TERRIBLE bug and she was really sick for a few days w/diarrea & vomiting. YUCKKKKKK. In THAT case, we let BM know what was going on, and she opted to keep SS with her for several extra days. It was definitely the right decision b/c then I got it and was sick as h*ll.

DH also got it but his case seemed to be very mild.

"He is going off to work and if BM was willing to keep her son, and now the son is sick, he should relent and let his son be with his mom."

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE! Bm could of also AT LEAST given you a heads up that teh kid had been exposed. I imagine DH might would of thought about it had he known BEFORE the kid showed up crawling with the ickys.

"oh, baby sis has hand, foot & mouth."

Any not totally stupid person would have thought to mention this to you guys even if the kid wasn't showing symptoms. It stands to reason that his been expsed if his sibling who lives in the same house has it.

You are going to be sanitizing the hell out of everything during his visit. Bless your heart:(

"And apparently, SHE got it from BM's sister---whom they all saw over the weekend."

Quick question, is BM's sister an adult? If so, hand, foot & mouth disease is pretty rare among adults (usually adults don't put any and everything in their mouth or mindlessly touch their shoes without thinking like kids do).

Odd that an adult would have it. But even odder is that an adult would spread it to children.

Oh and the crypto ripped through our metro area summer before last. It started in a small resort-type lake and moved to all the water and splash parks and public pools.

My friend even went into premature labor because of it. Her baby was a full 2 months early and only weighed 2 lbs. He was so small that she gave birth without even feeling it in the emergency room. And, get this, the hospital refused to test her for crypto even though she had all the symptoms and had been at a water park.

As Ashley said, it's extremely rare in adults...I feel so bad for you that you are having to sanitize everything...!! Try to keep your DD away from your SS if possible...poor kid but you don't want DD to get it too!!

And I think part of the reason that you feel this way with your SS, is that BM has made it SO hard for you to have any kind of a relationship with him. She has tried over and over to "sabotage" any chance for the four of you to have a "family unit" because of her jealousy and her pettiness. And it's only natural for you to pull away from your SS, because any time you try to be closer to him, the rain of "sh*t" that BM puts on you makes it not worth it. I think part of it, from a psychological viewpoint, is you "protecting" yourself from BM's crap. Compare it to a dog who has a crazy and abusive owner and the owner kicks the dog every time it goes near it's water bowl. Well , finally the dog LEARNS not to go near the water bowl, right? Same thing with you and your SS...everytime you get close or "go near" him, BM "kicks" and lashes out. So you are like "ok I give up, I won't go near him or be close to him, I'm tired of being KICKED!!"

I don't think this is the only reason you feel this way, but it is probably part of it. And I think you are an incredibly brave, sensible, kind and strong lady and you can tell your DH how lucky he is to have you and if he doesn't treat you right, he will have to answer to all of us here on the forum!! :D

This is just a site about foot and mouth disease...

http://www.healthyontario.com/ConditionDetails.aspx?disease_id=310

Part of why HFM is rare in adults is that we all had it as kids and are now immune. So while it sucks to have it, getting it as a child isn't usually a bad thing in the grand scheme.

Anyhow, it sucks for you and for SS that he was left with you while he was sick. Poor little guy! Poor LH!

I think people forget that sometimes being with the other parent is not "visits", he actually lives there half time. dad's home is his home. we don't ask biochildren to go elsewhere when they are sick, so SS was at HOME, at dads.

yes of course its his home too .... but THE POINT IS .... mom knew he had been exposed dad knew he had been exposed but instead of dad saying well I would rather not infect me LH or LH's daughter why don't you keep him like you wanted to .... remember mom offered to keep the child dad said no .... again mom and dad cannot get along for the sake of the child everything is a pissing contest ...

sorry but my kids lived equally at my home and dad's and if one became infected i would have told dad to leave them at my home so he doesn't get sick or his wife or his SS but thats just me .... why infect many people instead of quarantining at my home .... nipping it in the bud rather than spreading it to others and hoping it doesn't make a return weeks later.

sure he wants someone to take care of him.... and LH used to but mom and ss with all their lies have made it impossible for lh to get close to the boy .... so who did the lies benefit.. not the kid not lh not the mom ....

sorry lh but your hubby needs to home with ss or he goes back to moms

"sorry but my kids lived equally at my home and dad's and if one became infected i would have told dad to leave them at my home so he doesn't get sick or his wife or his SS but thats just me .... why infect many people instead of quarantining at my home .... nipping it in the bud rather than spreading it to others and hoping it doesn't make a return weeks later."

I do agree with this in theory, pseudo, and if it were ME with DD, I would for sure do that.

But DH HATES to give up time with his son, can't say that I blame him there. He would not ever be likely to let BM have him extra.

Sometimes it does feel like a p*ssing match between the two of them---like DH is so eager to prove to BM that he is involved, devoted, etc. It is kind of sad for my hubby b/c BM gives him endless crap about the fact that HE doesn't pick SS up from school, that HE doesn't stay home all day Saturdays, etc. SHe hasn't worked in years and she seems to hold hubby to the same standard--like she expects him to be able to go on the class field trip, or stay home any time SS is sick, or off school, leave work early to pick him up, etc. It's just not possible! He does the best he can----works half-days on Saturdays on weekends when SS is with us, etc.

The problem is that DH WORKS. And works HARD, and BM doesn't. And it is just NOT feasible for him to pick SS up from school at 3:30 every day like it is for BM. He IS usually able to do it once a week or so, which is more than a lot of dads I know! BM hasn't had a real job in YEARS and I think it's kind of unfair that she expects DH to have the same open-ended flexibility that she does.

Even the GAL, when they went to court, shrugged his shoulders about it when BM complained and said "what DH does on his days is his concern." He told BM that if SS had to go to aftercare on DH's days, then so be it....as it is, I pick him up, and it's fine, but BM lays the guilt on THICK to DH about it.

It makes me mad when I think about it. Her hubby is back to working out of state again----comes home about every 8 weeks to see his older DD and their toddler daughter--and BM has the AUDACITY to give DH crap about not picking SS up from school???? I cannot even imagine the wrath that would ensue if DH were to move out of state!!!!

I also don't really fault DH for not being able to stay home. It IS hard to miss work. I was mostly irritated with him b/c he turned down BM's offer to have SS with her out of some pride thing, even though he knew I would have preferred that, and SS too!

Oh well.

As far as the sickness thing goes---it is hard. Like I said, for our family, we've found it is too complicated to switch things up and trade weekends, ETC. if SS is sick, or vice versa. The only exception we have made (and would make in the future) is if it's something exceptionally nasty---like a stomach flu, etc.

We DID discuss the swine flu thing and DH and I and BM (well---DH & I, and then DH & BM) agreed that is one thing we WILL delay or prevent custody time for.

If SS gets sick w/the flu at our house, we would not send him to BM's until he was healthy again. We also agreed if he gets sick w/it at HER house, he will not come here until he is well.

If DD get sick, we will not have him come over until she is better----and if his little sis at BM's gets it, we would keep him HERE.

This swine flu is scaring all of us (mostly me and BM!) and we know that containing it is key.

"I think people forget that sometimes being with the other parent is not "visits", he actually lives there half time. dad's home is his home. we don't ask biochildren to go elsewhere when they are sick, so SS was at HOME, at dads."

I see where you are coming from Fine but I think we would be a little naive to say in some instances the risk isn't worth trying to make a point. For example: If the girls still lived with BM and one of them contracted H1N1 they would not be coming over to ouor house untill they were cleared. There is a pregnant woman and a baby in the residence and that is an extremely riky situation. It would not be worth proving the bio vs. step point in that situation. Evertone, inclusind BM, would have to kiss my ass on that one.

On the same subjetc but other hand, If I was the BM of the girls and the situation was reversed and DH was remarried with a baby in the house I would no send my sick child into that environment either. I wouldn't feel right risking making a baby ill....even if my kids WAS born first. I'm a pretty reasonable person though and alot of people in step situations ARE NOT. It's all about my rights, MY kids rights and F*** everyone else.

Yes...it is the bio childs house but there is no need to try and press your point if the end result is other innocent children being contaminated and winding up sick. The only reason someone would push that issue is to be an ass. Thats just my honest opinion.

I agree with you Doodle. If there is a chance a child was exposed to anything the parent should tell the other parent just so they can watch out for symptoms and prevent a larger outbreak. Consider if the child had come home from school, not showing any symptoms yet, and the SMom had taken the SS over to a friend's house who was pregnant, or immunocompromised, or even just took him out and about, to the playground, to the grocery store... etc. The repercussions from not being informed could be huge.

It is the SS's house. But it is also the home of other people. And if there are options the child who is sick should utilize those options.

Silver,

I also think it would have been a totally different situation had BM not known the child was exposed and sent him over to another house hold where there were children. I can see that happening but if SHE KNOWS the decent thing to do would be at least ASK if the parents of the OTHER CHILDREN are comfortable being exposed.

No need for kids who otherwise would not be infected to get sick just because they have step siblings whoes parents can't compromise for the betterment of ALL involved. Sometimes it just comes down to being a decent person.

Exactly Doodle. I have unwittingly sent my little germ-carrier over to infect other people many times. And the next day have had to call and say how sorry I am, and how I hope they didn't catch anything, because my daughter just came down with XYZ. Not much a parent can do when kids are contagious for days prior to symptoms sometimes.

But if you KNOW, and do not share that information... that's just inexcusable and malicious. When I was a new mother one of my friends had a little boy who was just the same age as my dd. We had a play date, and he got a hold of my daughter's binky, which the other mother then took from his mouth and gave back to my daughter. Oh, by the way, she mentioned a little while later...he has thrush. I could have killed her. Yes, thrush is pretty much harmless. But it can be painful. And it can cause diaper rash, which is painful. And it can cause nipple thrush, and I was breastfeeding. Which can be painful. And to treat it, often you need antibiotics, which shouldn't be given to babies if one can avoid it at all, and are expensive as well. And yes, my daughter got thrush. And I could tell it hurt her. And it was totally avoidable.

I could never really be her friend after that. Seems silly, but that inconsideration for my daughter's health and my health was unacceptable for me.

"sorry but my kids lived equally at my home and dad's and if one became infected i would have told dad to leave them at my home so he doesn't get sick or his wife or his SS but thats just me ...."
You said previously that they lived wiht dad (at least your DS did) and saw you on the weekends. It is very different from living at both houses. I agree in this case it is wiser for them to stay at home and postpone visitations.

well until my son moved in with his dad 18 months ago to attend high school in his city we shared equal custody ... specific enough ... want to pay my taxes too?

DD moved out on her own at 20 ... after earning her college degree on scholarships and student loans ... (eeks)