That's really nice of all of you to do something for them. I would think that mom isn't going to be up to do any cooking for the kids for a while, and the burden of that shouldn't be placed on them. Why not put together some meals for them to help them out for a few days. Maybe give a card as well that expresses your sympathy and add your phone number in it in case she wants to talk sometime.

that's all I can think of.

Because you really don't know them, I would avoid money. There may be other resourses in the family you or your neighbors are not aware of. Maybe a hot dish, plate of cookies and a card signed by either your family or neighbors expressing sympathy. Because of being so close to Christmas I am sure they are doing the best they can for the other children. Just let them know you are avaiable if needed.

I don't think money would be appropriate. Expressions of caring as simple as a card are very meaningful. Cooked meals, as mentioned above, are wonderful too, especially if they are having money problems, as you said.

You are very thoughtful.

I think whatever you do they are bound to be grateful!
Its very sweet of you to think of them.

Very thoughtful. Money could be a little uncomfortable, but if 5-6 neighbors would take one day and make a simple comfort food dinner (put your heads together so it's not all the same) and I think that would be great. It would help them financially, help mom be able to relax and know her family is being fed and I think it would be a nice gesture all around. Perhaps one could do lasagna, garlic bread & salad, another could be meatloaf. Another could be a crockpot pot roast, soup, chili, etc. Things that are easy to heat up, easy to serve and maybe use disposeable pans to assist cleanup. Even a pail of ice cream, a couple toppings or a cake would last several days too. My only suggestion would be go easy on seasonings, maybe the son could tell you if there's any allergies or sensitivities.

People grieve in different ways so it's hard to know the right thing to do. Mom & dad may not have much of an appetite, but 9-18 YOs will have an appetite! I think a card from all the neighbors would be nice or even from just a few.

I also wouldn't count out inviting them over for coffee and cake some evening. A get to know, if they're up for it. But what a kind hearted person you are! We need more people like you in this world!

You're right. If the roles were reversed, I would prefer food to having my neighbors collect on my behalf. At this point, I'm thinking I will get a Honeybaked ham and make a couple side dishes in large quantity. I'll leave it to my other neighbors what they choose to do. I have never experienced that kind of loss, and don't even know anyone personally who has. But I do know what it's like to feed a family of six! I will feel much more natural approaching the neighbor mom on that common level. I think I will leave them be tomorrow, and wait until Sunday.

Cooked meals, cookies, etc. are always a nice idea. However, I think giving money is a good idea, too. If you give it in the form of "petty cash", I think it would be very welcome and not awkward.
Since there are other kids at home, there will be many instances of needing some dollars here and there for this and that....lunch tickets, tank of gas, roll of stamps, take-out food, an evening out for ice cream or something that gives the kids a family treat and a sense of well-being. Mom and Dad will not feel like dashing to the bank and here and there for awhile, especially at Christmas when eveyone else seems so whole and happy.
Also, ambulance fees are not always covered by insurance, so they could use it to help with that, if you think you might get as much as $200. Or, yes, they could apply it to their medical expenses.
Can you think of a message to put with it? Maybe some KT folks can help with that.

Leslie/KS

Meals are always helpful but if you think the other neighbors are doing it too, you might want to coordinate with them and not take it all at once. When our daughter died, people brought food every other day since we weren't eating a lot, we could eat leftovers on the off day (of course, our family is smaller than your neighbors). It's also not unheard of to give money or giftcards for gas or grocery stores or even restaurants that have curbside service (we really appreciated the last). It's understood that there are usually expenses at times like this that weren't anticipated. We received money from people we didn't know well and also some was given anonymously. None of it felt uncomfortable or awkward. We understood that people just wanted to show us support in some way. Hope this helps!

You could also give the money in the form as a memorial to the family to be used for funeral expenses, headstone and Dr visits what ever they need it for. In the form of memorial, I don't think it will be seen as a hand out, rather in honor the child lost and as a form of respect for their family.

Stacie

the food is a great idea, but there will be so very much of it. so i would consider the cash. i don't know if all nationalities do it, but it's big with italians - at least those in my lifetime.

if i was you, do your own thing, don't take up a neighbor collection - i think that makes it off, but you can put a few bucks in an separate envelope in your sympathy card and put a note that it's to help with arrangements or the like.

it's a terrible thing and i cannot even begin to know the pain they must be feeling. perhaps once you learn what they named the child, you could find a plant with the name and present it to her somewhere down the line - a way to reach out to her.

maryanne

If these people are new to town and do not have a local church, your neighbors may be the only helpers. I suggest you call the other neighbors, see if they would like to cover the dinner meal for one night, and then let the family know who will be providing each night's meal and give them the phone number too. Also find out if there are any dietary restrictions. If they belong to a church, you might want to find out what anyone is doing there and how you can coordinate the neighbors with their plans.

Your intentions are good, but I can tell you my personal reaction to a gift of cash.

This was when my DH died. A group of our friends gave me a cash gift. I was extremely hurt by that. It felt like charity to me, as though we "needed" money. We didn't and I have never forgotten how it made me feel. Many friends and neighbors brought food which was much appreciated because of family members coming in from out of town.

I have forgiven my friends for this and never told any of them how hurtful it was.

There was no way I was going to spend that money, so I just gave it to my two (adult) children.

If you feel money is a good thing to give, ask the neighbors to each put whatever cash they want to donate in an envelope (not all in one) and mail it to the family, with no return address. We did this at church for a young family where the father had tremendous medical bills. They had no way of refusing the money because they didn't know where it came from.

Sue

Bless you, Stephanie in Ga, for your concern for these recently-arrived neighbours in their sorrow and for how best to express your concern.

How about just going over, ringing the doorbell, and when they answer, to express your concern and empathy for them in their sorrow?

If you feel so drawn to, especially if it's the mother and she seems to be accepting your kindness in a certain way, maybe to open your arms to offer a hug.

After the initial discussion, how about saying that you'd considered taking up a neighbourhood collection, or offering food on a rotating basis, assuring them that your desire was to offer whichever service would be most meaningful/helpful to them?

Greetings Sue VA,

I feel distressed that you were so troubled by the generous gift from your neighbours/friends on the death of your husband. Sometimes the huge pain of death of a loved one causes us to react to events in unusual ways, and I regret that you laid this extra suffering on yourself at that time: you had enough to contend with as it was.

Almost certainly their gift indicated their desire to express their sincere concern at your time of sorrow and pain, not to judge that you were needy.

Sometimes, it seems to me, we are more willing to offer a gift to others than to accept one graciously when it is sincerely offered to us.

Is it a function of our desire to be independent, to pick up our own marbles, to not need to depend on others for anything, I wonder?

You spoke of the difficulty of forgiving them ... and I am wondering ... what was there to forgive? They had expressed their concern, in what they felt to be an appropriate way, a tangible one, in a good, generous spirit.

Whatever the reason ... I am sorry that it has caused so much hurt and trouble for you ... and for so long!

Is it still troubling your heart?

Have you talked it over/out with a counsellor?

If it is, I hope that you will consider doing that ... please get this painful boil on your back lanced, so that it can heal and the pain be gone!

Life is too short to carry around a load of pain like that ... especially when quite a few would consider it largely unnecessary, I think.

I hope that you will not consider what I have said as criticism of you ... it is intended only as regret at the
way that you chose to react to this event in your life and the resultant pain that it has caused.

Good wishes to you during the coming days.

ole joyful

In reference to what Joyful had to say, I think sometimes people do things not only to help, but to make themselves feel better that they were able to do something to help. I would personally think anyone facing the expense of a funeral would welcome a gift of cash. I remember what we paid to bury my Daddy, and it was staggering. A young family is probably not in a financial condition that money is not needed.

A visit might be appreciated. You can probably tell from the way they receive you if a visit is welcomed. You always can ask "what can we do to help you." You don't know how they feel, you can't take away any of their pain, but you can help ease the present situation. I'd think a meal would be very welcomed.

We were inundated w/ meals when my Daddy died, but for some reason, it was the meals that came a few weeks later that seemed to help so much.

Vannie makes a good point about the meals that came later seeming to help so much.....one of the things that is really hard after you lose someone is how quickly it seems that everyone goes back to their regular routine and you are still grieving but feel forgotten....of course, it's natural for these things to happen. But a meal, a card or a visit a month from now would show that someone still remembers them and their baby.

Sometimes I would give a little tree or a miniature rose bush that could be planted outside in memory of a baby. Food also is a good idea. Being a good listener if mom needs to talk is also one of the best things you can do. She may need errands done and just might not feel like doing them. You might even like to invite the kids over to do Christmas baking at your house and let them take home the goodies.

How sweet of you to want to do something for this family. I think cash is a little tacky, while the idea of a nice home-cooked meal or two is very very nice. When I had a stroke in 2001, my neighbors got together and provided several meals, a meatloaf dinner, a roasted chicken dinner, even a delivered pizza from our local piuzzeria. I appreciated not having to cook.

My sisters Dh just passed away on the 11th of this month. She had so much food brought in there's no way it will all be used. Lots of flowerer's and plants sent to funeral home but then there were a lot of people that said, that the flowerer's and money were a waste and wanted to do something else so she received several envelopes with money for her to do as she wants.

Bringing food always is a good idea. Cash can be tricky but if you or the neighbors want to do something more lasting, how about a gift card for the closest grocery store?

I'd see what the obit said if there is a memorial they want set up for the baby. If your kids know theirs maybe ask if they want to go to a movie with yours to give Mom and Dad some time to be together. Yes lots of food shows up at the home, so maybe paper plates, napkins, and plastic silverware would be welcome so there isn't dishes to do. If you decide on food you could make sandwiches for them. Can you tell that I've been through this too many times in the last year. Very nice of you to do this. Also another thought is to do something down the road a bit for them. They are going to need support later also, it's not just at the time of the death.

Nancy