MILs are considered to be mothers to the SIL/DIL, so "sorry for the loss of your mother" to both the biological child and her spouse is appropriate.

"Sorry to hear about the passing of Jane" would also work; "So sorry for your loss"...

I address it to both just as Tibbrix wrote. If there are children then I might add 'and family'. I don't think it's necessary to write each individual name.

I do the same as Tibb.

On the envelope I write, " the Family of 'deceased first and last name' "

On the card I try to use first names; Dear Joe, Jane, child1 and child2

Receiving a card or note of condolence was more meaningful to me than I would have imagined when my Mom died.

I used to buy cards and struggle with what & how to express my sympathy and end up putting off mailing them at all in my effort to get it "just right." But now I remember that every card showed someone was caring about me and that meant so much. Its being perfectly addressed or phrased mattered little. It really was the thought that comforted me.

As regards your question, though, I now address the cards to the person whose parent passed. Even though DH knew my Mom since HS & she loved him like the son she never had, it was my mother. I know this may be different in the case of other families, but I don't think of DH's parents as being my Dad or Mom. In my note I will mention the SIL or DIL by name if I know them.

It meant a lot when someone who had known my Mom mentioned something about her, like how they remembered seeing her raking leaves in the Fall or how no one made Whoopie pies as good as hers. The smallest thing that was personal made me feel like "my person" was known and would be missed.

I usually address it to my friend (child of deceased) and say "Dear Mary," with my first sentence acknowledging the spouse as in "You and Bob have been in my thoughts..."

ETA: Just saw amck's response and see that she and I agree. I think writing is becoming a lost art and thank you notes and sympathy notes need to be personal and specific as she mentions in her last paragraph.

You could address the card to John and Mary and then in the note say, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom, Alice. That way, it's addressed to both.

But in reality, for example, I write our xmas letter and even though it's from both of us, I think everyone pretty much knows that it's written by me.

Tibbie is right on the money. But also keep in mind what Amck said. It's the thought behind the card or letter that touches the hearts and gives comfort to those left behind. Having just lost my own sweet mom in March, I totally agree. How cards and letters to us were addressed made absolutely no difference to me. To us. The thoughts, the kindness, the caring, the memories. . . those touched our hearts and are remembered still.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts about this. Even though I understand the perspective about in-laws becoming parents of the spouse, it was not my experience, nor do I think the loss is as profound as when we lose our own parent, so I do like to single out the actual child of the deceased. I like the wording some of you suggested, so I have some new ideas.

I agree so much about the importance of writing. When my own husband died, I loved the cards with personal sentiments. My least favorite was, "Sorry for your loss." I appreciated that someone took the time to write, but it always seemed so impersonal to me, especially when coming from people who actually knew my husband. But I certainly didn't dwell on that, it just was kind of a little sting when I'd read it. And I read the cards over several times. There was a lot of comfort in them.

I think as long as you write a note and acknowledge the person from the heart, that's what counts.

Olychick - many people are uncomfortable writing notes to those who have lost loved ones and the "Sorry for your loss" while seeming to be impersonal, might be all that they are comfortable doing. And others let the sentiment of the card speak for them. When my dad died and then my brother, every card I got was received with thankfulness. Some people wrote paragraphs and others a single line but I know that at the time of buying the card and of writing the note I was being thought of, as was my dad/brother.

"Olychick - many people are uncomfortable writing notes..." Good point; I know they do what they can. Like I said, I didn't dwell on it, but just noticed it wasn't really comforting to me. Kind of like getting a Christmas card from someone you haven't talked to all year and then there's nothing on it but a signature or an engraved name.

I know some people let the sentiment printed on the card speak for them and they try to find just the right thing to send. I try to do that, too, but am compelled to write something personal, too. I guess I thought that "Sorry for your loss" isn't much easier to write than "So sorry to hear about Joe's death."

....and me, my father on June 7, I was amazed how much it meant to me the people who "showed up", i.e.: sent a card, came to the funeral, made a phone call...and conversely, how upset and hurt I was by those I would have thought would have but did not.

I'm way too old to just be learning this lesson now, but I learned a good one: Show up! Even if it is in the form of a simple note or card or even an online condolence.

My in-laws who have known me and my family since DH & I dated in HS (we've been married 39 yrs.) and who live 10 minutes away never called me, sent a card or showed up at my mother's memorial service. In over 2 yrs. they haven't expressed a word of sympathy to me over my loss. Their explanation: It's not their thing.

I've overlooked a lot of what they've done over the years for DH's sake - he is the polar opposite of them - but I don't think I'll ever rise above this hurtful slight.

Tib, I know how that can hurt. It not only feels like a slight to you, but somehow a disrespect to the person you loved and lost. I'm sorry.

The lesson you learned is one I also learned in the same way. I lost my dad when I was very young and always hated funerals after that...ptsd of some sort I suspect. So I avoided them at all costs. But when my husband died and there was this outpouring of love and caring from people in all aspects of our lives, I realized that I, too, had to show up. Now I do. If I ever question whether I should (like if I didn't know the deceased but just their family member), I just suck it up and go so I can hug the person who is hurting.

One etiquette thing that I didn't know until too late for my situation is that it is good manners to write a thank you to everyone who sends even a card. Of course, I thanked people who sent flowers and $ and made donations, etc. But cards came from all over and I didn't write to those people. I'm sure they understood why, but I felt badly when I learned I should have.

amck2, That is really, really a sad situation created by your in-laws. I would have a hard time forgiving them. I wonder if their story will change when one of them dies and the other is left and they experience what happens when others decide "it's not their thing"? I'm sorry you had to live through that.

Olychick, indeed. You got it exactly right.

Amck2, Olychick has a very good insight. Will your ILs appreciate no one bothering to "show up" when their other passes? To even frame it as "not our thing" when it has nothing to do with the supporter and everything to do with the griever is odd. Unless they are cads in general, I would suggest that death and funerals just make them very uncomfortable and they are unable to rise above their own discomfort to be there for someone who needs their support badly. Selfish.

I've heard people say that, in such situations, you "learn who your friends are". I am not going to take my disappointment in some people that far, but I really get the sentiment. It is eye opening who shows up and who doesn't, and who follows up and who doesn't!

Tib, I just learned the same thing when my mother passed away May 28. Like Olychick, I typically avoid funerals (and anything else that makes me sad or uncomfortable), but it meant so much to me that five of my friends drove all the way from Orlando (over an hour trip) to attend my mom's brief graveside service! So I've vowed to myself that I will do better in the future about supporting my friends, even if it makes me sad or uncomfortable.

Donna

Incredible, msmeow, isn't it?

I noticed that people flew, trained, and boated in, even from across the country, for my father's funeral. Even one of my best childhood friends flew in from Canada and flew back the same day. We hadn't been in touch in decades, but there she was. We stood arm-in-arm at dad's burial. She loved my father as much as I loved her father - two astoundingly gentle, kind, awesome men/fathers - who died probably 15 years ago...but did I go to her father's funeral, which was only in NJ!?

No.

But there she was at my father's!

The guilt!

I've never even been uncomfortable dealing with people who are undergoing such a time in their life. I was just lackadaisical about those I didn't attend, figuring my lack of presence wouldn't be noticed. (Have ALWAYS sent a card, though!)

What a profound experience, though, to feel what I felt at seeing some who showed up. Two I was so surprised and grateful that I ran over to them in the church, as we were leaving after the service, and just sobbed at seeing them there.

Tib - I too always figured that my presence wouldn't be missed, until my brother died. My brother had schizophrenia and lived in gov't subsidized housing and worked as a janitor. We didn't see him very often - his choice. He died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and I was so surprised at the outpouring of grief and support from people. I got a card from his dentist - his dentist! with such a kind note. We had a small gathering at his apartment building and again, our family was so surprised at how many people came, even old friends from high school, and how much he meant to people. This small show of support meant so much to all of us.

That's when I learned how important it was to show up

I used to be one of those people who didn't know what to say to people who lost someone close to them. I was afraid I'd put my foot in it, or trigger something emotional. I missed many opportunities to express my sympathy to others.

Until my dear husband died. People came from considerable distance to attend his funeral. People sent cards, most containing a heartfelt message. It was very meaningful and comforting to me and a manifestation of how much he was loved. It's been almost 12 years (!!!) and I still have all those cards.

I wrote thank-you notes to those who'd sent flowers or made donations in his name. Originally I thought, surely no for cards...so I checked some online etiquette site. Oh yes, thank-you cards for sympathy cards. Still in a daze, a week after I buried my husband, I went out and bought thank-you cards and stamps. I wrote to each person and it made me feel so much better, connected with them, and him, expressing deep gratitude. When I finished all the card-senders, I wrote to doctors, funeral homes, colleagues from work, everyone I could think of who loved him and supported me through their expressions of loss and love.

I'm grateful that I've always been able to talk about my loss with others. To deny it, to shut it down, would be to deny him. I know we all deal with grief in our own ways. But I would encourage everyone to not worry overmuch about how to address a note. When in doubt, err on the side of being inclusive. It's okay.