I know it feels awkward to convey something personal to someone you were once close to, but aren't any longer. There's probably not a lot that needs to be said, though, and sometimes the simpler the message the better. I'd send her a sympathy card and write inside something along the lines of how sorry I am to hear of [husband's name] passing, and let her know that I am holding her and her family in my thoughts and prayers. Just the fact that you reached out to express your sympathy will surely be meaningful to her.

If you were acquainted with him, write about a memory--something like 'I remember his great sense of humor, happiness at becoming a father, love for animals', etc.

Knowing he won't be forgotten will mean a lot to her.

I was going to say what mama goose said. Any words will be appreciated and if there is something personal about him that made a lasting impact on you then i would mention it.

Write exactly what you are thinking. "I am so sorry to have read about/learned of John's passing. I have very fond memories of the times we spent together. I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts during this time. "

Something like that.

When my dad died, I got inundated with cards. They all sort-of blurred together. Months later now I can't even recall what most of them said, or who did or did not send a card. (I didn't keep score...) Maybe I'm just a cold-hearted witch, but I remember getting gazillions of cards with nothing more than a signature or a "so sorry for your loss" handwritten on them, and I thought, why'd they even bother?

The few that stand out for me included more than just a generic line or two. There were a few people who took the time to write something personal - a funny story, a special remembrance...those touched me and I kept them.

If I were you, I'd send her a note recalling your closeness, and find a way to convey how sad you were to hear about her husband's passing.

I accept I may be a weirdo for saying this, but I just don't find any value in a card unless someone puts more effort into it than a trite phrase and a signature.

Depends on the person, I guess. My father died in June, and I was amazed by how much it meant to me that people sent cards. The message didn't matter to me, just the fact that they acknowledged by sending it, or writing a condolence online, that he had died. I was equally unmoved and even angry by those who should have but didn't even so much as send a card. Again, I was really struck by my strong feelings on both counts.

Another way to make a good expression is to make a donation to a listed "In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to ______" if there is one. We just got the list of donations to the two organizations we mentioned, and I will always remember the names on those lists!

Tibbrix, I agree that it's probably a deeply personal thing. I guess we are all just so different. :) For me, what mattered and touched me were the phone calls, the sweet emails, the people talking to me in person. A store-bought card with someone's name scrawled on it meant nothing to me. I recycled a pile of them. The only ones I kept were the ones that people took the time to personalize.

I'm somewhere in the middle I guess. I do appreciate the fact that someone sent a card. It does at least show they thought of you. I think some people simply do not know "what" to say. But, I do agree that the personal notes written in a card are more meaningful. I think some people are just better at that. Phone calls, visits, people who have done a good deed, etc. those things do mean so very much. I really don't think of terms though in who did something and who didn't. The donations mean alot too. For my mom and my grandmother both, we still received many flowers at the services, but many people followed our wishes and made donations. It didn't bother me about the flowers, some people just do that (especially from a certain generation). We have a local organization who reuses the flowers for hospitals, nursing homes, etc. and we did that.

To the OP, just speak (write) from your heart. Your friend will be touched to hear from you.

If it was someone you were close to, yes, I would send a card and a note.

Although not a close friend, one of the instructors who I used to take his Spin classes died over the summer. I found out over twitter. I have not seen him or his wife who also taught classes in 10 years since I moved, but I did make a donation to the animal rescue he worked with. I was not sure if I should have sent her a card/note or not. Not to hijack, but if anyone has a comment on this, I would appreciate it.

Like tibb, when my daddy died, I was amazed and heartened by any acknowledgement of his death. And I was amazed that I was amazed. I never thought it would matter much to me one way or the other, but it did.

I didn't read all the responses, but I can speak from personal experience. My husband passed away in April. I appreciated all the cards I received, but especially the ones from old friends that I hadn't been in touch with for a long time, and those with a personal note. I'm not that eloquent, but I always try to mention a memory or quality of the deceased when I write a sympathy note.

I imagine your friend will be quite touched if you reach out to her. It certainly meant an awful lot to me.

Edited: I just skimmed the responses. I know many people would appreciate a phone call, but that was the one thing I couldn't handle. Speaking on the phone was too emotional for me; it made me cry. That, of course, was my personal reaction. Close friends texted and emailed, asking if I wanted to talk on the phone.

My father passed away suddenly just a few weeks ago. I was touched to receive cards from friends and acquaintances, cards that said the simplest things, like 'my thoughts are with you at this time' deeply moved me. I was honored that people, some that I very slightly know, took the time.

It made me regret the times I have not taken the step of sending the card because I wondered if I should or not. Going forward I will always send a card at minimum.

I do think it is very personal experience. I was sitting with my brother when an friend from home (we were across the US)heard the news and sent me a text. My brother was appalled. I was not. I know my friend and her sense of immediacy to reach out was in character for her. I did not appreciate people calling as I was processing very privately, but it is easy to not answer the phone.

So very sorry, localeater. It's so painful. Can't imagine it being sudden; watching them suffer is horrible too, and that is what I cry about most now. It's just awful. My experience was that it got worse @ the 4 - 5 week mark. I cried and screamed for him a lot.

I also learned from it to never hesitate, ever again, to send a note or a thought or even an online condolence.

ETA: condolences to you as well, jshore. I just read about your loss as well. Ick, ugh, and all that.

I realize that grief is intensely personal and we all process it differently. That said, I would hope that any outreach whatsoever - anything at all that indicated someone thought of me and made even the smallest effort to let me know - would be something I would never look askance at but would truly appreciate. People mean well. We should never lose sight of that.

I lost my mom suddenly too. So sorry to hear about your loss Localeater! A small donation is great. Does not have to be big. Also any memory (positive) that you could share about the deceased. Knowing that someone besides just you will remember your loved one helped me a lot. The hardest thing for me is that I have very little family so feeling like I am the last repository of memories of my mom is very sad, so when others share memories of her, it lessens that sad feeling. I also appreciate when other folks who didn't even know my mom very well can think of ways her contribution to society will live on, so if you know anything about your friend's husband, that's very comforting, to know they live in some way in others memories, even if it is just a minor memory or a fleeting encounter or a small donation in their name.