How to handle the holidays and possible abuse and sexual assult

15 years ago

his is a hard message to post, but thanks to others that have posted about their abuse and problems gives me the strength to share. I am sure many of you remember my stories of my younger brother and how many times he manages to screw up and ruin holidays. Also he has focused on me to be the center of his abuse, and also my husband. He says rude inappropriate thing to us, tries to pick fights with my husband, and says things to me specifically to get me upset. He is a recovering alcoholic and everyone in my family(except DH and I) are afraid to confront him, in case he starts drinking again.

On monday he dropped Rhiannon off and I mean opened our porch door, didnt check to see if anyone was home and then left. We found Rhiannon several minute later in the freezing porch crying. My brother also took off with her car seat and also didn't get Hayden's medication which is critical since he has pneamonia. He came back and threw the car seat in the back of the truck and left. I realized after 15 minutes that he should have been here so Rhiannon and Dan went out and found the seat laying there. Then we had to call again to have him get the medicine. Rhiannon is 5 and is a pretty smart cookie, she told us that Cory just opened the door and pushed her in. There was no way that he could have seen that we were home with the van in the garage. The reason he was upset was Dan didn't get Rhiannon, but he was bringing my folks extra truck since ours has no heat and Dan can take it but he has to take Rhiannon to school, and with sick kids I don't want to be left at home.

Dan and I have been working on our relationship, it isn't perfect but much has improved around here. He is more willint to watch the kids while I am cooking, he puts them to bed and takes them with him to events like games to give me a break. I stay at home and I have no problem with the laundry, dishes and cleaning, and Dan realizes with 4 kids it will never be spotless.I love him more everyday.

Then we start getting messages on my face book and text messages. We didn't say a word they just came out from no where. He is 27 and dating a 17 year old and has for 3 years, and do I say anything to him about it, NO>

Here is a little about what we got posted and messges:

I hope that you don't mind me posting this. I know that you have read about the problems that I have had with my brother Cory in the past ad currently. One of the things is that there are some long lived situations and comments that have been causing me hurt and problems in my private life. To put it bluntly, about 10 years ago while taking him to basketball camp and he was sitting in the seat beside me with his penis out and masturbating next to me. There were other instances that he did the same,, he would like right at me while he was doing this. I have kept quiet over the last 10 years being unable to deal with this. Things came to a heaad this week when he left Rhiannon here without checking to see if we were home, taking her car seat with him and not taking Haydens meds that he needs for Pnemonia.

I have tried to talk to some family members about this, my sis is a family counselor and I told her the whole story and she was shocked and upset. Her husband says that when their twins are born they will never be left alone with them. This is why I have been tough about the fact I dont want my kids around him. He is also very mentally abusive and hurtful towards me and my husband, calling him a worthless piece of sh*& and that he does more to help me than my husband. Calls him fatty and tells him to go eat cheese balls and play video games. Keep in mind my brother is 5 years younger than me, and yes this is the same brother that I have posted about the last few years and even though I threaten to not come to the holidays, I usually get guilt tripped into going. But not this year, I told my family about the sexual abuse and they were shocked and had a hard time coming to terms with it; I have talked to 2 couselors and gave them the basics and the feel for my family, health and mental state I need to stay away. I have an appointment to go down today. What is a real problem is that my sister that is a counselor, let it slip that he had to see some one because of sex addiction and a specialist on sexual assult. If I would have know this I wouldn never let him near my kids considering his history and what he does to me. Now I a scared to death for my 5 year old, she doesn't like my brother and is scared of him and doesn't want to be alone with him. I am thinking of having her go on for counseling to see if there is abuse which may explain the bed wetting and her anger toward me.

So my immediate family is going to get together for Chrismas and if others want to join jjs all the merrier. RHiannon has to go and have her throat scoped to look for nodules on her vocal cords, Peyton has a cyst under her chin and Hudson is still stuffed up. So in the next month I will have my gallbladder surgery, the girls may have surgery and Hudson is still getting over te croup, so I have enough on my plate right now. I am scared, confused, angry and frustrated.I knew from what I had posted in the past that there could be someone I coulld talk too.DH is trying but he is so angry abou it and worried about our little girls,\

Stacie

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Comments (28)

wildchild
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Your brother is not just an alcoholic he is mentally unstable. Dry or wet that doesn't change. To avoid confrontations with him because of fear he will drink again is enabling. He is the only one that can be held responsible for his behavior.

It's good you are seeking counseling. You need to face your own demons so you can impower yourself to set boundaries for people in your life and stop any tendencies to be a doormat.

Your brother is the only one responsible for his behavior. You (and DH) have to set strong boundaries if you are going to continue to have him in your life at all.

No way should your kids EVER be around him unsupervised. They are your and DH's responsibility. If you need someone to drive them hire a trusted neighbor or join a carpool.

Ask yourself. If this man wasn't your brother would you have him in your life? We can't choose our relatives but we can choose our friends. Good friends are far more valuable than bad relatives.

Glad to see see you and DH are doing better. But I do have some strong opinions about parenting and now you'll hear them.

DH is a parent, not the babysitter. That means that parenting the kids is not a favor to you you. It should be a given. Taking the kids along to the things he likes to do is OK once in a while but he also should be taking the kids out to have fun on their level. It's makes me see red when I see parents dragging their kids to their activities and claiming they are spending time with them.

Unless the kid has an interest the game or car show or concert is not for the kids. The zoo, the park, kid museum, kid's days, and just playing outside with the kids is.

Bathing,reading,and cuddling kids is parenting. It is not babysitting or giving mommy time when you are the daddy. It's what good daddies do.
sheilajoyce_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well said!
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Okay, long post. First, Im sending a great big hug to you. Second I definitely agree that for the safety and sanity of your family get him out of your life. You donÂt need his drama and neither do your little ones. They may not realize what is going on but they know when somethingÂs wrong. I think it would be a good idea to have Rhiannon talk to someone. ItÂs better to have someone impartial for her to talk to. My sister has been getting counseling for her and my 5 year-old niece after her relationship ended. Her husband was an alcoholic abuser; he wasnÂt abusive when he wasnÂt drinking and his abuse was mostly psychological, but she found out through the counseling that my niece was more aware of what was going than she thought. She was also very matter of fact when she would talk to the counselorÂjust "this is what happens whenÂ". My storyÂwhen I was 13 my uncle tried to rape me while I was staying at my grandmotherÂs. I didnÂt tell anyone and tried to block it from my mind. All I could do was make sure he was never around my younger sisters. I closed myself off from everyone and pretended everything was "normal", but was terrified of any close relationship. Luckily he didnÂt come around much for family get-togethers and if he did I stayed where my grandma or my mother were. Years went by and one day out of the blue, my grandma asked if something had happened with him. All I could do was nod and start crying. I had thought for all those years that everyone would be mad at me and I would be shunned. Instead she hugged me close and told me "heÂs my son and I love him, but I could kill him", which made me feel so much better. She was my most favorite person in the world. I wasnÂt alone with this anymore. I could breathe again. I got married, had two kids, got divorced, and life went on. I had told my husband before we got married, but still didnÂt talk about it unless I had to. I have two wonderful friends who helped me get through my divorce who I had told about what had happened. When my oldest was in middle school, one of her close friends told her she was being molested and my daughter told her stepmother who then reported it. My daughter was asked to give a statement about what she had been told and I decided that as much as I hated talking about what had happened to me, this was more important. I had my friends with me but still couldnÂt talk about it without getting teary. 20+ years after it happened, my sister made a reference to him and I admitted it to my mother. Every time I talked about it, no matter how hard it was, it felt a little better inside. I still have trust issues and probably always will, but thatÂs getting better too and I was able to write this without tears. It also helps me that he eventually died of stomach cancerÂkarma to my mind, but I digress. Your heart and gut say stay away from himÂstart with that. Cozy quiet holidays at home sound like perfect memories for little ones to me. Jen
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You're so right about the path of suicide but, in my mind, I think they're may have been a genetic disposition to depression as I've known two families where the father committed suicide and then the child and their child. You'll never know but know that you are the one who suffered terrible blows and went on to make people happy and calm. That's your gift and your a sensitive, sweet, downright lovely person. Your Mom knew that and so did you Dad as well as your nephew. You took the high road and now to let it all go and get on with your life with the knowledge that you made all the right choices. Nothing could have changed the outcome. May you go on in peace and love.
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No, I wasn't trying to convey hopelessness; I was trying to convey the uselessness & the insensitivity of making judgments about people whose resources are at low ebb, whose mental functions are compromised by powerful addictive substances, whose boots we never have had to even try on. Obviously, one has to exercise willpower to get anything done. I tell myself that every morning when the cat is sleeping on my head & I do not want to move... but I get up, partly because I am confidant that I *can* get up, & partly because there's not an addictive substance in that pillow that has made my body dependent upon it. Addictive substances are potent, & combined with genetic or metabolic predispositions, they're devastating. Alcoholism is a physical addiction; withdrawal has terrible physical consequences & some dangers. A registered nurse who worked at the Dallas County jail once told me that part of her job was to interview people who were going to jail, & she had to ask them about alcohol & drugs. She said that alcoholics had to be more closely monitored than people who habitually used cocaine; they might be called cocaine "addicts", but that addiction was mental, while alcoholism is a physical addiction: Withdrawing cold-turkey from cocaine might not make you happy, but withdrawing cold-turkey from alcohol could kill you. Something that can kill you is not something that "willpower" alone can overcome. Again, it's like telling a diabetic to just get over it; there's no more insulin, they need to exercise their willpower to keep going & functioning. An addicted person's willpower is at a very low ebb anyway, since they are at the mercy of their drug; expecting or demanding someone in that position to just break the habit (or saying it's an "obligation") is unproductive & uncompassionate at best, counter-productive & mean-spirited at worst.
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cynic
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Lots of things I have comments on but the one I can't hold my tongue on is abandoning a 5yo in cold weather. The police should have been called. Not wanting to talk to each other is one thing but you don't abuse the kids like that.
Pieonear
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This is a terrible situation, but I am wondering why your little girl was with your brother when you knew what he is capable of. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but why would you let her be alone with him? I hope and pray that he has not exposed himself to her or worse.
pattico_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Stacie...he has some real problems...I'm wondering if he was sexually abused as a child...and has never talked about it to anyone....Could be the root of his drinking too.

I wish I could tell you what to do...but I think Wild had some great answers for you...

For right now...just hang in there...

and know we support you...

Lots of Hugs for you and your family.

patti
okwriter
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Have you tried any kind of support group (Al-Anon) for framilies and friends of alcoholics? That won't address the immediate situation that you wrote about, but I think it would serve you well in the long run.
Vickey__MN
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm only going to address one little aresa of your post right now. You are worried that Rhianna (sorry if I spelled her name wrong) may have been abused by your brother. She is five now. Sit down with her and explain to her that SHE owns her body, Mommy and Daddy can help her get dressed and see her naked, so can her younger brothers and sisters...etc. Doctors, always, but nobody else....And if somebody else wants to she is to say NO and leave. And that she is to tell Mommy and Daddy, and if they don't listen to her she is to tell...and give her a list. THEN ask her if anybody has touched her, looked at her, etc. Be calm, just talking. Don't push. Tell her she can tell you at any time. Make sure you mention others showing her THEIR bodies, touching them.

NOW is the hard part. IF she tells you YES it has happened...you CALMLY tell her thank you. Make sure she knows she did right, make sure she knows it wasn't her fault, and she is doing well. YOU DO NOT BREAK DOWN. YOU DO NOT GET ANGRY AT ANYBODY. Then when she leaves the room youcan get angry or break down. You then go to the police. Not to the family, not to a friend, TO THE POLICE and report this. And finally you go to a counselor for yourself and get directions on the next step to help her and you. Keep her self esteem up make sure she knows she DID NOTHING WRONG. Make sure YOU KNOW YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, and you take care of the problem. She is not scarred for life if something happened, she can recover fully do not worry about that (yes that is from experience and YEARS of abuse) but it will all depend on how you react. Feel free to E-mail me.

Vickey-MN
vickey1709@hotmail.com
User
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Stacey,
(((((((((((Stacey))))))))))))
I am glad you posted. I am sorry about the reason for the post.
I agree with the advice given. May I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor as an emergency and get in to him right away. Tell him everything - he may want to check over Rhiannon as well. Medical attention is vital for both of you right now. You both need support and a family doctor is a great place to start in a trusting environment.

Do not let your brother near Rhiannon unsupervised anymore. Ever.

I am so sorry for all of the pain you must feel right - keep talking to use and keep us up to date.

Can you call your doctor's office today? Please book an appointment as soon as possible. Doctor's are good listeners to. When you call to book the appointment let the receptionist/nurse know you need extra time on your appointment. Trust me on this - I suffer from mental health problems and this summer had a close call. My doctor was/is a godsend and very understanding.

Stacie my heart is reaching out to you.

Peggy
frazoo
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
((((Stacie))))
You and your family were in my thoughts as I went to bed and again this morning. IMHO, you need professional advice, support and counseling. You are running the risk of having your daughter become too much like your brother...angry, promiscuous, rude, crude, alcoholic and generally unlikeable. She needs your support, comfort and understanding now.
He may not have done anything physically to her, but I'll bet he's made many a rude, crude, mean remark to her. And, when he feels the moment is right, he'll strike!
Protect your children, yourself, your DH, your marriage and home. And, keep reading Vickie-MN's post!

Leslie/KS
stephmc72
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Tough situation, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I dont think I have any extra advice that hasn't already been given.

But, I do want to emphasize that there is NO WAY my children would be left with this man unsupervised. I would never be letting my daughter go anywhere with him. Period. I dont care if he's a relative or not...he's obviously unstable and is a threat to you and your family. Keep your children safe.
solstice98
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't have anything to add to the great advice you've received here already, but please read it all carefully and reach out to the people who have offered to help.
grammahony
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
There's been good advice given Stacy. I feel so bad for you and your own personal family. Your brother at 24 started going with this 14 year old. It seems he likes younger kids. I'd never leave my kids with/around him ever again. Does your parents believe that he did that stuff to you? Or do they side with him? If they side with him on this, there may be some truth in the fact he could have been molested too. Get to the bottom of this with your little girl. In the manner Vickey suggested.
(((Stacy)))
Leslie
jannie
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am so sorry you have to live through this situation. Others above have already given you good advice. Follow it. Things will get better.
Pieonear
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Stacie, I'm still thinking about you and your family situation this morning. Try and put this out of your mind (that will be hard I know) and get through the holidays as best you can.

Hugs
linda_in_iowa
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am worried for Rhianon and also for your boys. I hope you follow up as other posters have suggested and that you never, ever let your kids out of your sight when your brother is around. When I was 4 or 5 my parents would leave me with a teen neighbor boy while they went out drinking with his folks. The teen repeatedly raped me and my parents didn't pay any attention when I got hysterical when I had to be left with him time and again. I was an adult before I told my mom what he did.
trinitytx
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I read your post early this morning, and have carried your message with me all day. I was at a loss for words, but had to come back and just give you hug (((HUGS))) You know we all love and care about you, your husband, and your kids, and with that said, please take to heart everything that has been said here.
You are in a critical situation, one that cannot and MUST NOT be taken lightly.
If I were you, I would make it a point, immediately, to see a doctor with your daughter, and never come in contact with your brother again...ever, ever, ever.....
You are not his responsibility, but your kids need you. Now more than ever.
I am in a panic over this for you.
Please email me if you would like to talk.

Get tough, get mad, throw a fit, go to the police. You have every right in the world to.

Trin
FlamingO in AR
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'll second everything Trin just said, Stacie. Good luck.
caroline94535
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't know what to say or advise. You do have my sympathy.

I would never, ever, for any reason on God's green Earth let that brother ever be around my children again. No reason. He can't be near them. He can't be in the same house with them. You can't run the risk. And boys are no safer from sexual predation than girls.

Please, don't let your children be around this person. You know what he's capable of.

(((Stacie)))
taigen_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Stacie...I know this must have been one of the hardest things to post about but I am so proud of you for seeking out support. This is a VERY hard situation to be in and I am so sorry for this to be happening to you. Many have posted some great advice and I really hope you will read them carefully and seek some help. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I too come from an abusive background so I know how hard this all is.
Vickey__MN
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You cannot run in a panic right now, you will scare Rhianna. If you scare her she will not talk, IF there are signs of physical abuse, by no means wait, But if there are no signs physically, then you must take things slowly and on her terms so you do not scare her and tramatise her more. calm talks are the best. She may not tell you today, she may not tell you tomorrow, BUT if she knows she can tell you and you won't freak out on her, she will tell you, trust me, she will. Listen to her, what she says and doesn't say...That sounds odd, I know but if she says something that just doesn't sound "right", it could be the clue to a talk. Again above all else, BE cALM. Deep breaths, Make her calm. Matter of fact terms, "Mom he showed me his pee pee"..Oh he did, boy that must have been icky, I wouldn't want to see that...calm not OH MY GOD, YOU SAW HIS PEN!S. One way can keep her talking, the other will make her clam up. All will/can be fine eventually.

Remember too, she may not like him because he just isn't nice to her. And her moodyness may have nothing to do with him.

Oh yes and remmeber with you talk to enforce upon her that if anyone says they'll hurt xxx if they tell, that they don't have to worry, you owuld never let that happen. AND if they promise anything if they don't tell, that is not the kind of secret to keep. Good secrets and bad secrets..good conversation for another time.

Vickey-Mn
Jodi_SoCal
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This story is disturbing on so many levels! It is far bigger than what the KT can offer. Please seek help for you and your family. My recollections tell me there is more than just Rhianna to worry about, don't you have two other girls and a little boy?

Make you own Christmas tradition by staying home with your immediate family. Enjoy the safe environment and have a Merry Christmas Stacie.

Jodi-
tami_ohio
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You and your family are in my prayers.

Tami
mary_c_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Stacie,

Your children should never, ever be alone with this brother of yours. NEVER!

I know your life is complicated with the new baby, and it's tough for you to get around, but still, do NOT let this man be with your children for any reason.

Do make your own Christmas traditions for your family - this was the best thing I ever did for my husband and son. There weren't any sexual abusers in my large family, but whoo-hoo, they trotted out every perceived slight from the past year. I decided we would have our own celebration, and this has served us well.

Make your own holiday with your own family. You will so grow to appreciate your own family traditions. Invite only the people you are comfortable with.

Never invite the brother. Others you invite will come, or not. It's not your problem. Make the holiday with those who are there.
girlsingardens
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am so enjoying the holidays at home with my husband, girls and boys. I am not going to Christmas if he will be there.We are in the process of figuring out a time to see my folks so that they don't miss out on Christmas with the grand kids.After telling my sis who is a family counselor she was sick about it, and her husbad is livid. They said that if he showed up on Saturday they too would leave. My sis is pregnant with twins and her husband says nder now sercumstances will he ever be left alone with there kids I went in and had an hour conseling session on Tuesday and am going back next week. I plan on continuing sessions. I am also going to take Rhiannon with me. I am also going to talk to my General Doctor who we love and trust and help me with all of this. Suffering from lack of sleep and severe postpartum depression is not much fun, but I think honestly it gave me the strength and conviction to come out with my experience. Even is some don't believe me, neither me, my DH , my daughters or sons will ever be left alone wih him under any circumstances.

Stacie
carol_in_california
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Stacie.....God be with you and your family.
jeaninwa
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I know you don't know me, but I just want to let you know how proud I am of you.
Sometimes things come to a head at the most inconvenient times. I am so happy that you are not letting this ruin your holiday. Your DH and children are your #1 right now, and if I was right there, I'd be standing in line to give you a hug. Bless you
Jean
Mickey15
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Stacie, I thought about you throughout the day yesterday after reading your posts.
I will keep you and Rhiannon in my prayers. If you would like to talk to somebody outside of the situation, email me and I will give you my phone #.
Lots and lots of hugs,
Tammy
yayagal
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Girlsingardens, I'm new to this forum and have been enjoying all the Christmas wishes and then read your plight. I was in awe of the wisdom of Wildchild and several others who added more. These people know the real meaning of caring and that made me feel so happy to know that you now feel you're not alone but have a huge back up rooting for you. You'll make all the right decisions and conquer this challenge. You're a brave woman to put your feelings and thoughts out and ask for help. It requires trust. I admire that tremendously. You give courage to others who made need to discuss a problem.
May God be with you in this situation and that you learn and grow from it. Merry Christmas

How to handle the holidays and possible abuse and sexual assult

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wildchild

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How to handle the holidays and possible abuse and sexual assult

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