For all who have followed along on this saga with me, I thought I'd give you an update.

The last I heard from my nephew was just after thanksgiving...he wished me a happy holiday and I replied wishing him the same.

I just found out today from an obit in the paper that he passed away "peacefully in his sleep" last Friday at the age of 33. I don't know what he died of. I suspect suicide...following in the path of his father and grandfather before him, but I don't know. I guess DH and I will go to the wake...not sure if we'll be welcome or not....frankly I'm in a state of shock, but I feel a strong need to go, even if only to give my condolences to the family. I know what it's like to lose someone too soon...in fact, several someones, and it's not easy. I'm sure his mother is devastated as they were so close.

Oh Annie, how sad. Just awful. I'm so sorry.

Beth P.

Thanks, Beth.

Annie, I am so sorry. That is so incredibly heartbreaking.

So sorry to hear that you have had so many struggles with your families and end with this outcome.

I have a chill reading this, Annie. I am incredibly sorry for everyone.

I read an article recently about a woman who lost her husband to suicide. It is heartbreaking, especially because, as you said, it seems to start a "tradition" in the family. The pain continues.

I appreciate that you will be going to the wake. Please let us know how we can support you.

Many hugs going out to you and your family.

Thank you so much for your kind words, Marlene, Kellie and Anele. That alone is so helpful to me.

Yes, Anele, isn't that the way? Unless the pain is dealt with, it continues to operate in destructive ways in many people. Somehow the path laid out by one seems to become more acceptable to others...and yet, I don't understand it because, if you have lived the devastation of losing someone to suicide, how can you want to visit that upon anyone else?

Of course, I don't know if that's what happened. Perhaps at the wake, I will find out...

What a sad thing, Annie.
33 is so young; too young to die.
I'm really sorry that things happened this way.
I don't guess "condolences" is apropos, so I'll just say Best Wishes to you.

Oh Annie, that is truly sad to hear. I found myself holding my breath as I read about your nephew. How devastating to his family. I can easily understand your desire to attend the wake, you feel a need to be present. It's such a difficult time- I'll be thinking of you.

What a sad outcome indeed, you must be in shock. All the best to you in this hard period.

Thank you, melsouth and maire-cate. Condolences are perfectly welcome. He was the last member of my immediate family, and while he and I weren't best buds in later years, I do remember him from when he was a child, holding him as a babe in arms at his christening, taking him to the children's museum, birthday parties, family holidays together and other happy events.

I miss my Mom badly, but for once, I am so glad she is already gone. It broke her heart to lose both her husband and her son...she would've been beyond broken hearted if she was here to lose her only grandchild too.

Annie, I just read this whole saga. I'm so sorry for you and for his mother.
His mother may not be the nicest person, but this loss is just devastating. And for you, the loss of potential is as heartbreaking as the real loss.
Please accept my condolences.

Thank you mlweaving...Marji. I'm still shocked and stunned, and of course it stirs all those same emotions from when I lost Dad and my brother. It's not easy.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes, you need to attend the service and extend your sympathy and I think it will also help you end this chapter in your family struggles.

I just have to say though I find it unsettling you were not called and had to read about it in the paper. You are a family member, not a mere acquaintance, and you had had recent contact with him. I sincerely hope it was an honest oversight and not intentional.

Please let us know how everything goes. We're all thinking of you.

I'm so sorry this happened, annie. I'm sending my condolences and best wishes to you.

Thanks, joanie and nancybee. Whether it was intentional or an oversight doesn't much matter. I know his family is in pain and if my presence helps them in any way, I'm glad. If it causes more distress, we'll just leave. But hopefully it won't. My brother was king of blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life and I'm sure my nephew adopted that attitude too. If his family is in pain, they may choose to lash out and I can be a convenient target for them. Not my intention, but it could happen. Or perhaps I'll just be ignored. Who knows? I'm trying to go with no expectations except to bring sympathy and compassion to people who are hurting.

So very sad. I'm so sorry Annie.

tina

Tragic. Hugs to you Annie. You are going with pure motives, I hope it turns out as well as something like this can.....

Thanks, tina and boop. Your kind wishes and everyone's thoughts and expressions mean more to me than you know.

To whom will you be bringing comfort? You earlier said : I never liked his mother, brother's first wife. (Their marriage lasted less than 5 yrs.) Her personality always grated me...". And later said, " And her level of insensitivity to other peoples' experiences and feelings was stunning*. (She was remarried a few days after the divorce was final.) N is very, very close to his mother, and genes and experience aren't going to let him land far from that tree...actually from either of those trees."

More than likely, the feelings of dislike are mutual. Your mother and brother are no longer living, how would your presence bring peace to anyone especially if this was a suicide and you were correct in stating they usually revert to blaming you?

I am truly sorry for whatever loss you may be feeling, but I don't understand the good that will come from you going to the funeral?

Deaths and funerals are strange things. You don't know what your presence can do for another person. He was Annie's last remaining blood relative (I dislike that term, but nevertheless). That alone is reason to go to the funeral.

And if his mother is as critical as described, Annie will avoid the criticism that would be leveled for not showing up.

Gray wings I honestly meant no disrespect. I just question what harm it may do to the mother, her grief should trump those not in the immediate family. Perhaps a call ahead to feel out if ones presence would be welcome would be better than ambushing the grieving immediate family. Not calling Annie may have been a choice of that family as a subtle hint her presence was not welcome or maybe it was unintentional oversight. A brief call expressing condolences may be the most compassionate move to see if her presence would be comforting.

I have to agree with Nash. This situation is very complicated. Let's just say that if they wanted you there they would have made sure to call you. This doesn't mean that when they compiled the list, your name was suggested and then they intentionally left you off the list.

You feel upset for many reasons. But when I review your past relationships with these relatives, like Nash, I too can't see who you would be a comfort too.

In a perfect world, the remaining family should let by gones be by gones. But I don't think this is the case here.

I agree that a condolence phone call might be the better way to go.

So sorry you are going through this sadness.

Nash, I'm stunned to find your critique here.

I just returned from the wake. I was immediately welcomed by the mother, she apologized for not calling me saying she couldn't find us in the book (we've only been listed with the same phone number for the last 36 years), accepted our condolences and went out of her way to introduce us to her family. Whether I personally liked her or not, I never want to see someone have to suffer the pain of losing a child, especially so suddenly. I also was able to give my personal condolences to my nephew's wife for whom I could feel nothing but the most intense compassion for her pain and sorrow. It must be awful to be widowed after less than 2 yrs of marriage.

It was difficult, but I'm glad I went. When you are hurting as badly as they are, it helps to get as much support as possible, even from unexpected places. And it helped me turn that page.

Thanks, graywings.

Annie, my heart is aching even more after reading your last post. It's such a tragic loss, especially for your nephew's wife and mother.

You handled this with such grace and dignity.

Ellendi, see my comments to nash above.

Relationships are complicated and can't be summarized easily in a few paragraphs on a web page. So while your critiques may be with the best intentions, they are made with incomplete information.

I had to go, and am glad that I went.

Thanks Marlene, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

Life truly seems so unfair at times.

It's good that you went...it was absolutely the right thing to do, even if not calling was intentional and they hadn't welcomed you. I am glad it all worked out and they were gracious. Times like this often serve as a catalyst to forgive and forget and let the past go. You may never see his mom or wife again, but I'm sure it meant something to them you were there.

I'm glad it worked out Annie.

Annie, I'm glad it worked out. I apologize that my post came off as a critique. It was just a suggestion that a call first to see if your presence would be welcome was more appropriate. It is good to read that you found comfort in going and believe your presence comforted the family. Again I'm sorry for your loss. I never meant to offend.

I know, Nashville. Thx.

Wow, so sad. Thinking of you...

Thanks, loribee.

Annie, was your nephew's death a suicide, as you thought?

I don't know...I may never know.

Dear Annie, I am just now reading of all this and am so very sorry to hear of your loss and your pain. So glad you did go to the service. As many have said, funerals and wakes are more for the living, to bring comfort and closure of some sort (if there is such a thing). You do seem to be so sensitive and caring, so I can imagine this whole ordeal was a dilemma for you. But I am sure you are glad you tried to reach out to your nephew in a small way last year. I too admire you for standing your ground. No amount of money could have prevented the eventual outcome, so I hope you rest easy knowing you did your best. Hugs to you.

Thanks, outsideplaying, you are most kind.

And so it goes.

We've had a friend staying with us this past week from out of state. I feel so badly for him and his family. His 23 y o granddaughter committed suicide. I think it's harder on grandparents than anyone, because not only do they suffer the loss of someone they aren't supposed to see die, but they also suffer seeing their child in so much pain.

I'm telling you, there's just too much sadness in the world...

And so it goes....

Oh goodness, Annie, I was travelling when this update first hit and I missed this horrific news.

That is terribly terribly sad about your nephew. I am so glad you followed your instincts to reach out, choosing to hope for the best rather than protecting yourself from vulnerability by using cynicism. You can only control your own actions, and they were exemplary (both times).

With so much family tragedy, I am glad you had such a wonderful relationship with your Mom (I remember you writing something once about how "pretty" she was to you, though she didn't think so) and still have a wonderful relationship with DH (baggy jeans and all).

Thanks mtnrd. I appreciate your kind words.

It's funny how when I start talking to people about suicide, how many others are brought up....oh yeah, remember so and so? S/he committed suicide too.

While not scientific, anecdotally, it would seem to be epidemic. There's something not right about a society that breeds so much despair and fails at providing the tools to gain perspective on situations so that that irreversible choice isn't made. Then throw in what I call "brain drugs" into the mix with suicide as a known side effect of anti-depressants that are supposed to prevent just that. Then we have the Ft Hood shooting which just raises the issue again of how many of these rampagers are really about suicide. It is not a healthy situation.

From there, the pain just multiplies as the loss ripples through the family and friends. Unlike, say, fatal disease where the survivors have an external evil to blame...cancer, heart disease, stroke...the survivors of suicide so often blame themselves and each other...

In the case of my family, I believe my father's path laid out the road for my brother and his son to follow...just like so many abused who are fated to become abusers.

So sad.

You're so right about the path of suicide but, in my mind, I think they're may have been a genetic disposition to depression as I've known two families where the father committed suicide and then the child and their child. You'll never know but know that you are the one who suffered terrible blows and went on to make people happy and calm. That's your gift and your a sensitive, sweet, downright lovely person. Your Mom knew that and so did you Dad as well as your nephew. You took the high road and now to let it all go and get on with your life with the knowledge that you made all the right choices. Nothing could have changed the outcome. May you go on in peace and love.

Thank you, yayagal, that is so sweet of you to say. Much appreciated!

Oh Annie, my heart breaks for you, his mom, wife and others close to him. And your nephew himself, in the end. Coming to that conclusion means he was to the point where he could no longer see there is still good in the world. That had to be so scary for him. Do you know if he was getting any counseling at all? Such a sad, sad situation. I'm so very sorry.
I'm glad you went to his service and was welcomed by his mother.

Thanks, justgotabme. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Hi Annie, IâÂÂm glad you are getting so many kind words from those here. I know that even though you have done all the right things you can still be a bit haunted by family with dragons in the attic so to speak. Even for those of us who are strong the emotions can still confuse and befuddle us at times. Your mirror reflects good and that is something to be very thankful for.
My best,
Terri

You're welcome Annie.

Very well said Terri. Annie has always been kind in anything I've seen her write here on the GW. I would be happy to have her as a friend in person that I could go to lunch, shopping, or just sit on the front porch chatting with.

Thank you so much, Terri, I appreciate your compassion and understanding.

Justgotabme, the weather's getting nice...we can sit on the deck and watch the geese go by over some coffee or tea...sounds like fun! Or I'm always up to going shopping!
:)

Oh, I love watching the geese fly overhead. I may have missed them here as I was in Hawaii most of the last two weeks.

I just saw your update. So sorry for your loss, but I agree with all those who say you took the high road and the path to no regrets. Sometimes that is the most we can do.

Your deck sounds delightful. Enjoy!

Thanks, lascatx.