to answer your ? yes

You are not alone - I'm in your boat, too. My family fell apart 6 years ago, when my husband died of pancreatic cancer - holidays and anniversaries are very difficult times for all of us in this club. I try to emerse myself in helping other people, which helps me through the bad times.

Satine, tomorrow will mark the day my DH lost his battle with cancer, 31 years ago. It is still a hard day for me, even after all these years.

And two weeks ago, I was in the ER, following a very unexpected fall, followed by being admitted to the hospital. I was found to have blood clots in both lungs and I'm now taking coumadin, using a walker, and wearing the Lifeline Alert button. I am not happy about this, to say the least.

I am not ready for Christmas in that my outdoor lights are still in boxes in the garage, no decorating inside except for putting a wreath on the front door. I've done no shopping, no baking, and my house needs a good cleaning.

Fortunately, my family is nearby, except for my DS, who lives 7-8 hours away, but is always in touch.

The others will all be here Christmas Eve for dinner, games, and Dirty Santa. That is tradition, and this year I won't be doing any of the preparation.

I would suggest that you start going to church again, and rekindle those friendships; find someone, or someones, who need to have a visit at Christmas. There are lonely people everywhere waiting for another someone just to talk to.

If you have shopped, wrapped and decorated, there are people in your life. Lean on them. Sometimes that is all it takes.

You can do it.

Sue

Ask your Dr. if there is a grief counseling group near you and get him to send you. It has myself and two of my friends so much. You will meet some people there and you will become lifelong friends . Some of the churches also offer this counseling as well. The United Church offers a wonderful service The Longest Night held Dec.21st each year for grieving people and lonely people it is for all denominations. This is my 5th year of going. God Bless You and I personally wish you a Merry Christmas.

Yes!

Even though my family is very supportive, I too am have troubles after only 4 months since DH has passed away . Thinking back and reflecting on how we both were raised and our relationships everything was so disfunctional. Very little love was shown in my growing up, and I feel DH had the same feelings. Except my MIL did show much more love to me and my kids than my folks did--they more of a possive kind of control/love for their only gk's--mine as my brother never married. Oh well, all my kids have a good marriageand I have wonderful gk's and ggk' It was worth it in the end to have good son in law's and DIL.

Yes, as this will be our first Christmas without my dad. Most of the time I'm fine, but those moments do sneak up on me.

Each and every one of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tami

To all who are having a difficult time right now- we will all make it through the holidays yet again. I think the hardest thing for me is remembering how much my husband loved Christmas and was involved with all the preparations. I am just so lonely even though I have three daughters. I wonder if our adult children grow distant as we get older as life's way of preparing them to be without us. I don't mean that to sound morbid----I always wondered if the teen years were so stressful for us parents so that when the kids left home the empty nest wasn't a bad thing. Ok, Im going to stop rambling. I wish good thoughts for all of my kt friends who are having a hard time right now. Satine

I am so sorry for those of you who have lost your loved ones. I don't know how I would handle it with out my husband, it seems impossible.

I have emotional times this time of year too, my dad has been gone for a while now but it was this time of year that he got so sick and was in the hospital. His birthday is in February and he passed away a couple of days before his birthday. So yes these months do bring it all back.

Take care of yourself and finding groups to join is a great idea, it doesn't even have to be a grief related group, just find a group that is something that interests you. I love my garden club, we keep an eye on each other and help during the bad days. It really does make a difference.

I find everyday to be a hard day. Holidays don't help at all.

A lot of people have a rough time at the holidays, I know I do. I've been divorced for many years. Most of the time I am satisfied to be on my own, but there are times I wish I had a traditional family. Of course, Christmas is one of those times. Neither of my sons is married, so no grandchildren to spoil at Christmas. Christmas day ends up being my elderly mom, my nearby son and me. Whoop dee do. It used to be so much fun when the entire family came home and we had a mob scene, lots of little kids and dogs and mess. Now everyone has gone their own way. Christmas morning I get up and read the paper, like any other morning. I just can't wait for the day to be over, to be honest.

My girlfriends and I went out for a Christmas lunch and I do like putting up decorations -- even thought almost no one sees them.

Maybe we need a support thread on Christmas Day.

I sympathize with all of you who have lost your loved ones and feel alone at the holiday. I'm sort of on the flip side. I have a huge extended family and feel obligated to spend Christmas with them because that's what my parents want. I would much rather have a quiet day with just my friends or my dog. I spend my whole day and much of the week before preparing gifts and cooking and cleaning for the celebration. I have to really hold onto my patience and sense of humor to get through the day with all of the family dynamics, then I'm exhausted afterwards. I've been doing it for many, many years and I hate it.

December 8th was the 3rd anniversary of my Mom's death. It was 3 days after my birthday, so I feel your pain. I think everyone has these feelings. I take 5 medicines a day to keep me out of the dark hole of depression. Maybe you should talk to your dr. about getting on an anti-depressant. I fight the beast of depression everyday.

Many people have a hard time with holidays and not just due to the death of those we love. This is my first year without Harry and you bet I miss him. But I have my girls even though they won't be physically with me, I know they will be thinking and worrying about me. Little do they know I'm glad to be alone as I don't feel up to entertaining.

I try to be thankful that Harry and I had 32 happy years and know I'll see him again someday. His legs will be like new and we'll dance our way across heaven! :-)

Patti, I just love you! You're always so positive. I haven't lost a husband or child so I can't really feel your pain. I do miss the big Christmases when we were all together but I have a son and daughter that live on the West Coast so that's not going to happen. I have a daughter that lives here but she will be in Rhode Island loading in a a show that opens the day after Christmas. The show must go on. My DS always comes for every holidayâ¦God bless him. It's not the greatest drive coming from Pittsburgh and driving through snowy mountains but he manages to make it and some friends will join us also, so I feel blessed. My heart goes out to all my KT friends who have lost husbands, sons and daughters and are feeling the loss especially at this time of year.

I have my moments..when Mom died the place we went to for holidays was sold. It's awkward coping with her loss. Bless my niece for having us to her place...but there's a big empty chair where mom should be. Keeping busy helps and being around people helps me too. Left alone, I fall apart.
Hugs to all of you...

I know I am. This is my first time alone at the holidays. I have to work both Xmas and New Years which is ok because it is a good distraction for me.

It was one year ago that my life feel apart. Losing Dusty; marriage ending; job woes, mom passing away. I know I have my life back on track but it is so hard right now because I keep thinking about the past year.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

Laura, I too am on meds for depression and have been for many years. I would not be able to function without them.
Patti, I know this holiday season will be hard for you. Im so sorry that you have to feel the pain of losing a loved spouse.
Joann, I agree that some days can be a challenge. I think holidays are so tough because we all have a vision about how happy we should all be.
Satine

My husband of 41 years died Aug 24th this year but I don't think I am doing too bad. I have 4 wonderful adult children, no grandkids.
One thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know my husband would not want me to be horribly sad.

My husband of 41 years died Aug 24th this year but I don't think I am doing too bad. I have 4 wonderful adult children, no grandkids.
One thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know my husband would not want me to be horribly sad.

My husband died unexpectly this year, too. Christmas has been hard, since we have no children. I feel so alone, except when I am at the kitchen table forum. I am hoping for a better 2014!

I'm with Joann. Every day is a struggle. I don't care if I even wake up. When I do, just put one foot in front of the other until it's over.

Don't be fooled by the joyous ads you see on TV of families laughing around the Xmas tree. It's not real life. Most people have a rough time at Xmas particularly when someone near and dear to them is no longer here. Believe me, most people (other than little kids) want Xmas over and done with. This time of year it's only natural to think back to Xmases of long ago, when we were children, young adults with kids. The older one gets the more bah humbug one becomes. At least it's like that with me and most of my friends.

Come here and vent. You'll find many Kters feel the same way.

((((group hug)))) I'm sorry for your losses. I'm glad you have each other.

This time of year is always hard for me. I enjoyed it when I was a kid, and when my 2 daughters were little. But now Christmas reminds me of unhappy times, my parents are gone, my only brother killed himself last December and one of my sisters is not speaking to me. I'm doing minimal decorating, no cookie baking, just cards (including KT exchange) and gifts to the few remaining youngsters in our families. I'll be glad when it's over and the decorations are packed away.

"Don't be fooled by the joyous ads you see on TV of families laughing around the Xmas tree. It's not real life. "

Yes, some people DO have a tough time during the holidays.
But it is unfair to those who aren't to say their life is not real.

Real life DOES include laughing (even around the CHRISTMAS tree... imagine that!) along with sorrow.

I am SO GLAD this forum exists and that people are able to post some REAL FEELINGS here!

Many of us are old enough to have been raised in that sort of 'cone of silence' about feelings that Marie referred to. It's good to acknowledge *however* you really feel.

Holidays have been miserable for me for as long as I can remember. My parents separated when I was two, then there were four more long years of torn loyalties until they divorced, and then more years of a deep sense of loss. While my father started a new family with the 'other woman', my mother never remarried and was sole support of herself, her mother and me. Yes, I did feel deprived, and I'm sure I only thought that the intact families around me were happy, happy, happy with no difficulties!

OK, we'll get through this -- again! A little help from the KT is very welcome. (At least my impossible MIL is no longer with us to make every event miserable. I miss my mother, but we do have a wonderful DS and DIL and two darling grandchildren.)

I feel for many of you who have had to deal with such a huge disruption in your life during the past year or so ... and for some, multiple disruptions - that piles trouble on trouble.

Yes ... we know that the one who has gone would not want us to be sunk in the depths of grief ... but it is almost as though someone had cut a leg off: it's as though part of us is gone, and not, in this life, recoverable.

Bereavement groups, and counselling, have been helpful to many. We need to deal with the loss and the grief - to try to ignore it is like trying to get an infected wound to heal ... it may appear to, but will fester and burst out, again.

We are starting out on a new adventure: we can revision ourselves and follow up some interests which have lain dormant, find new ones, make new friends, etc.

Rather than seeing each new day as a drudge ... let's see it as an opportunity.

Yesterday was "Blue Christmas" worship at church.

I've gone a few times: yesterday came from an open house put on by a family where the lady ran for national parliament a few years ago and I helped in the campaign ... also the husband and I are distant relatives, and we've become friends.

There were only 4 of us: the minister, the organist who comes several miles from a rural area (who hadn't gone home), one grieving person, whose wife sang in the choir and died of cancer during the past year, and I.

It was a quiet, reflective time, and we put some small stones on a rock on a table, with a candle on the centre of the rock, to carry our thoughts, then some beads from a bowl, to express our hopes ... and one to carry home with us, to keep warm and help us with our memories and hopes for the future.

The man has scattered family and told of his plans to visit a number of them in the coming months.

I think that he found it comforting, and that it brought some peace to his heart.
_____________________________

Hi Teddy Bear ... when you spoke of the "United Church" ... I went to your profile page: does the "CA" there stand for "California" or "Canada"?

(Not that it's any of my business).

I have a connection with The United Church of Canada, which joined the Methodists, the Congregationalists and most of the Presbyterians, 88 years ago, in 1925, and it included a lot of local union churches which had formed on the prairies, that had been settled a few years before and people had formed one church in a village. The Evangelical United Brethren joined about 50 years ago.

ole joyfuelled

I've always loved Christmas and the entire holiday season. But I love it for how I feel it's supposed to be (joy, peace on earth, goodwill to man, and everything in a perfect world) and not how it necessarily is in reality. As a result, I've often been let down and somewhat depressed at Christmas, at least sometimes. To me, what I need is more Christ in Christmas and less commercialism. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to give gifts. I enjoy when I can find just the right surprise gift for someone. It really makes me happy! But these days, it often feels like Christmas is mostly gimme gimme gimme and I hate that.

This year is different in our family. We lost our 20 month old grandson, Maison, last July. I am ok with that, for the most part, even at the holiday season. I miss Maison, but I feel him with God and with Jesus, and I am happy for him. It's tough on everyone (including myself) though, in many ways. His parents (my stepdaughter Emi and boyfriend Josh), Gary (my husband), his other grandparents.... Emi and Josh are trying really hard. They are doing pretty well, considering, but it's going to be difficult getting through this first time, especially.

Gary and I have found some happiness and joy in the season this year, by trying to do some things for others. Funny, how we can always find others far less fortunate than ourselves. We asked my kids to donate to charities instead of buying gifts for us. They always ask for a 'list' because they are far away and don't have ideas for what to get us. This year, our 'list' to my daughter was a list of local grassroots charities in our area, and she and my son-in-law are going to choose one and make a nice donation. My son and daughter-in-law asked that we do the same for the two of them, donate to a charity instead of a gift (we are still giving gifts to the grandbabies, just not the adults) so they are going to make a donation to a local charity in their area and we made one to "Toys for Tot's" locally here. We called them first, and asked what age group they needed things for the most. To our joy, they told us 'babies' so Gary and I went on a shopping spree and bought a dozen nice toys for 3-18 month olds. We also volunteered to help with "toys for Tot's" and spent our first hours there last Saturday, helping to sort toys into age-appropriate piles. If they have not finished today's work, we are going back today, when we get off work at 2, to help sort for giving to specific families. Then we will be going back again on Friday and Saturday to help distribute them, as families come in for pickup. We were both on such a Christmas high after our work with them last Saturday! It was a great way to put absolute joy into the Christmas season. I do realize that not everyone is physically able to volunteer, and not everyone can afford to give financially, but for us, it was just what our Christmas needed.

Jel, thanks for the update on Maison's family. I think of you often. In fact there was a similar accident here in Philadelphia just last night. I am so glad that you are finding some joy in the season. I know it must be hard.

Every once in awhile I need a kick in the pants to remember those who have real problems and sorrows. Imagine what Christmas is like for the Newtown parents.

It is so helpful to read that others have the same difficulties as I do. We all need to swell on what is good in our lives and not the disappointments and losses. It isn't easy, though. Guess I'll put the tree up tomorrow and if no one else sees it, at least I will enjoy it (except the needles on the floor).

I dedtired,

if you put a (colourful) sheet down first ...

... it makes the picking up of the needles later just a quick pickup of four corners ... and a shake!

o j

IMHO, these are the threads that make this group shine in every way.

Maya Angelou said once, "We're all more alike, than we are different." I've always loved that.

And on this thread, our small differences are put aside and we're all on the same page when it comes to the human condition and its inherent pain.

Maybe that's one of the blessings of these holidays, which are so hard on some of us, is that we can see that we really are - "more alike" than we are different.

Rosemary in Virginia

(thanks, OJ, great tip)

A friend of mine was just speaking about this today. She lost her husband last April from a massive heart attack. She stays very busy with volunteer work, grandkids, and social activities. She "took" one day off to do stuff around the house and declined invitations to other events. It ended up being a miserable, difficult day for her. She is such a wonderful, giving, person and is doing well but every once in a while, a day like that creeps in. Just makes you want to give her a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. Sending those same things out to those here who are having a difficult time.

Yes, and I thank you for this post.

Even though my late DH was a bit of a "grinch", I miss him this first Christmas. Thanksgiving was also tough, as was our 30th anniversary and I anticipate the upcoming "firsts" will be just as hard (and seconds and thirds, etc.) This entire year has been awful.....daughter moving across the country and unable to come home for Christmas; dear friend diagnosed with cancer; friends' divorce and move; etc. Hurry up, 2014.

This is first year since our son passed. It has been difficult as expected. A couple of weeks ago, i saw a program on CNN that has helped me no end. It is called Heaven and Back written by Mary C Neal MD. I highly recommend it if you have any doubts or fears.

Yes and bless us all. Hugs dear KT friends.

As I grumble silently about this entire month, this thread was a wake-up call to me. My family is relatively happy, no major losses in the last couple of years, we are comfortable in about every way.

That said--while I honor the religious purpose of Christmas, for me the whole month is overwhelming. Every aspect is just too much from the food to the shopping, decorating, tedious novelty music, expectations, disappointments. I'm starting to feel a little panicky about the two weeks ahead. But all in all, I have very little to complain about.

My deepest condolences to those of you here who are struggling with loss of loved ones or other challenges of life. Heartfelt wishes to each and every one of you for a smooth transition through these holidays and a peaceful, healing year in 2014.

socks -- Thanks for the good wishes! I hope your family and all our friends here at the KT will find some enjoyment over the holidays and have a GOOD NEW YEAR!

Socks, your post is perfect.

I'm sorry for those having a rough time. I've had wonderful Christmases since moving far away from where I grew up. My friends are my family & this Christmas looks to be the best yet. However, maybe for those who have lost spouses or family members new traditions can be created to fill the void.

Lots of folks seem to get down with all the pressures & costs involved during this season but if you're on your own or away from loved ones, try doing what you'd really like to do instead of concentrating on not currently living in a typical Hallmark type Christmas scene. Something entirely different.

Starting a new life may just turn out to be wonderful. It can't be the same but it can be very good. My thoughts are with those having a tough time.

my mom pampered herself...she took trips with other widows, friends, ect...but her one salvation? she went to a water class and it was the best thing....she met other widows and they were a group until she moved here...(big mistake)

can't you get to church or have you felt better doing home prayer/study? my mom went the second route...her church had a study guide and she read her lesson every day...

My salvation is a water class too! DH fell and fractured a hip in Sept. and died within a month. Just 2 weeks later I had my second hip replaced and have been home alone, healing. DD came for the first few days to make sure I was OK with the stairs and sister came for a couple days around week 3.

But the ones who have really kept me going are my friends from the water class. They call, and visit, bring in the mail and pick up the few groceries I need. They keep me connected with the others in class and, most importantly, they keep my spirits up and keep me from feeling isolated, as I learn to live alone.

It's been a strange difficult year for others in the family too, but the few of us that are still here will be together on Christmas Eve and that feels even more special than ever this year.

Wishing you all inner peace.

and I bet Glenda would also vote for water classes...

if not a pool then certainly take advantage of your own bathroom...I swear there is noting more soothing than a good shower (I have one that changes speeds) and a chair! (walmart and very sturdy) I've been known to take up to a 15 minute shower with a nice shampoo, conditioner, even a few tears when I've had a bad day! i come out and could do almost anything...(usually a nap, lol)

The holidays are always "emotional"...but Christmas is the birth of my Savior...and my emotion is joy! Yes, there is always that twinge of remembering those empty chairs that were once filled with my two dear departed husbands...but I can rejoice in knowing they are with the "Reason for the Season" and I will join them in the not too distant future.

I find so much happiness in helping people who are suffering from the loss of health and jobs...as well as loved ones...and I am sure you would not
have to look far to find someone who would welcome any help you might offer them. Volunteer for something...adopt a family, take food to a shut-in, a plate of cookies to a neighbor, ring a bell at a red kettle, phone a long-lost friend or relative, visit a nursing home and be thankful you are able to live in your home, drive someone on an errand, offer to shop for someone who can not do it, light a candle and reflect on how thankful you are...oh my, the list could be endless...be creative...and know that tough times do not last, tough people do! Now go and have a Merry Christmas....and you might also make a trip back to your church while you are at it....you might be pleasantly surprised....hope so!

Ginger ~ I certainly have missed your posts. And your recipes. So glad that you are in a happy place in your life!

Were you in Galilee, when Jesus walked those trails, and come to him with your situation ...

... I wonder what suggestions he might have made?

What would he say to us, in our situations and various moods?

Sometimes it's in the still small voice that the message comes ... or the silences (rather hard to come by, in this modern life).

For those of you who follow other faiths, what would the guides who are respected and revered have to offer you in your current distress?

(((((all of the folks on KT - especially the hurting ones)))))

ole joyful