I think you are out of line to try to correct his son's table manners. It's the responsibility of his parents, mother and father. Insist that your boyfriend stay on top of the issue. You need to stay out of it.

Isolating him will just make him resentful towards you and he may exhibit even worse behavior.

I agree it is up to his father to correct him.

Be ready for a disagreement with your BF if you do. I would encourage your BF to keep reminding the boy. And when the BF quits reminding him, have another talk with him.It is obvious that this boy hasn't been taught manners from either his father or mother, but maybe he will learn at your table. Good luck

Instead of making him an outcast for something he may not fully understand, six is still young, try providing fun and educational aids. There's lots of free printable options for this. A great one is paper table place mats that are cute educational rules of table manners. This would also assist the dad in a task he might not really know how to address. Try this link for many options including table manners for kids books.
I think you will make a much greater impression this way rather than making him feel inferior by casting him aside from the dinner table.

Here is a link that might be useful: Manners for kids

No, don't do that. He may not have table manners but he does have feelings.

Thank you all. After a full year, one would think this would not still be such a major issue. Now he does it on purpose and looks right at my son and does it.. when his dad doesn't see of course. He is 6, not 2. He knows exactly what he is doing and he knows better.

I understand what you all mean by not making him feel like an outcast. Consider my kids and myself having to see the bad manners, by kids running off crying.. come on, don't we count for anything...? He does this on purpose more often than not.

How about a spanking, that is what my dad would have done if any of us had bad table manners. We are raising kids these days with gentle hands and words and where is that getting us? So exactly how many times does this child need to be told, he has been told well over 100 times already...

If it were me... I'd work on my son. If the boyfriend's son is doing it get a rise out of your son, then teach your son how to let it roll off his back. No more rise, no more outlandish behavior. The more you all ignore it, then, he'll have no more fun out of it. And the more your son can keep the other child from controlling him, the stronger he'll feel. That is, he'll be the "bigger man". Which is a far greater lesson he can learn, and teach by example. You all count. And, I've been in your shoes, so I am saying what I would do and have done. If you all end up living together, it's everybody's family. Not just "your family" and "his family". No one wants to be on the receiving end of that.

I will tell you this, as someone who must endure what some "other mother" thinks about my son, if she laid one finger on him, she'd be reported to child services so fast, her head would spin. No one lays a hand on my child. Spankings are not tolerable. Ever. The state agrees with me, that, I know. I've never reported anyone. Nonetheless, I do believe my ex is free to parent in his style. Vastly different than mine, but it's his home. And when my son complains, I say, tolerate what they want in their home. I back them up. But if they were to lay a hand on him, it wouldn't be tolerated ever. Be careful where you tread with someone else's child. And as someone who was a step mother many many moons ago, I never punished her nor disagreed with his parenting style in front of her. Never. She's not my child is how I viewed it. He was there and had ever opportunity to do the punishing in the way, and/or his ex, would have done it.

Now you have it from both sides. Just an opinion, but then, you did ask.

Dawn, I agree with the others. Frankly, I would tell your boyfriend that his son is not welcome to eat at your house until he uses good table manners. His son is acting out and misbehaving on purpose at this stage. He probably could use some added support as he is having trouble mixing in with a blended family. It would be interesting to find out how his table manners are at school or with his grandparents. You said he does this on purpose. Yes, there is a reason he is acting out and the issue needs to be addressed.

You and your kids count too, but my guess is that this child is having trouble adjusting to the thought of a possible other mom.

Thank you Rob333. I would never spank, my own children or anyone elses.. I was just comparing old parenting styles to what is acceptable now.

I will certainly try your suggestion. I am baffled at the things parents neglect to teach their children or let them get away with. It is sad that others have to "be the bigger person" and the bad behavior continues to be ignored, almost accepted.

I wish I had the support of the child's mother...that will never be the case.... this child runs the show under her roof and always will.

I would guess that this boy has other behavior issues as well--there's a more at hand here than just table manners. If there are other behavior problems, dad needs to talk with his teacher or other school professionals.

I completely agree you need to work with your own son to keep this child from "pushing his buttons." Tell him that he can be strong and just ignore the behavior, insist that he do this. He's old enough. Try to seat him so he isn't facing the child.

While I believe isolating him to eat alone would not be the best idea, but you could ask him to sit nearby on the sofa or on another chair in the dining room until he can eat properly, and that may be eating alone after everyone else has finished.

Spanking would be wrong and won't help, probably would make things worse. Next thing you know, he'll be hitting others. Why not? It's done to him! Millions of children are raised to be successful adults without being hit by their parents.

I once suggested my ex, and his current, sit down with me to talk about what boundaries we all wanted from my boy. I wanted to make sure I was backing them up, but they likely took it the other ways, so it didn't happen. I would've met them there though! It can happen. What I did find out pretty early on, what you and I see as right, isn't the same as they find right. And it takes a whole lot for the state to find it wrong. So you just gotta let it go. Yep, even icky parenting. Sucks, royally!

I wish they would meet you where you are too. You're tryign to do what is best for everyone. Aren't you glad we've figured out that no reason is good enough for spanking? Our kids are lucky, if only we'd have benefited. I have to say, I only got truly spanked for something I totally deserved.

I will tell you this, it is an ongoing battle with my ex. My son comes home, distressed at situations there, but he knows, he does what is good and right. Some days it's not enough to know he's done what is right, but then, we have to feel that way as adults. Such is life!

Best wishes.

Aw, the old grin and bear it! Yep, I was only spanked when I truly deserved it as well, never did it again however!

This child does have many behavioral issues, with me, at school, with his peers and teachers. My son had some of the same at that age so I do have more patience and understanding that what is coming across here.
Meal time is important to me. We sit down every night together, my 2 kids and I. My BF and his son join us when they are there. I guess I just want that 20-30 minutes to be enjoyable. (by the way, I left out that he farts constantly also, at the table or not... and pees on the floor around the toilet on the seat and such)

My son pee'ed on the seat once. Once it got on the wall. NOTE the ONCE! He was 4. (trained to sit until he learned control) When he hit the seat, we talked about it and he cleaned that up. Same with the wall. He didn't like it and never did it again! He was 4! Kids are smart, we don't give them enough credit.

Aw, the old grin and bear it! Yep, I was only spanked when I truly deserved it as well, never did it again however!

This child does have many behavioral issues, with me, at school, with his peers and teachers. My son had some of the same at that age so I do have more patience and understanding that what is coming across here.
Meal time is important to me. We sit down every night together, my 2 kids and I. My BF and his son join us when they are there. I guess I just want that 20-30 minutes to be enjoyable. (by the way, I left out that he farts constantly also, at the table or not... and pees on the floor around the toilet on the seat and such)

My son pee'ed on the seat once. Once it got on the wall. NOTE the ONCE! He was 4. (trained to sit until he learned control) When he hit the seat, we talked about it and he cleaned that up. Same with the wall. He didn't like it and never did it again! He was 4! Kids are smart, we don't give them enough credit.

So do you listen to music during the meal, you know, to make it more enjoyable? Because, that was fun for us when I was little. We could pick out from the albums, today might be CDs, what the dinner music would be. Would that distract him? Getting to choose (and so would the other children)?

Maybe the little boy feels threatened by you and your sons. We never know what is going through little minds when a divorce/new relationships occur. Is his Mom in a new relationship since the divorce too?
I don't know how I would handle that situation but I can see where it could be a problem.
I would be concerned too with my own child if they were 10 or 12 years old and ran from the table crying because of someone else's lack of manners. That seems like a big over reaction.

Mammie, I was thinking the same thing. Doesn't anyone else think that the fact that your 10 or 12 year old son would get so upset that he would run to his room in tears over the other boys table manners?

If the boyfriend and his son don't live with you then simply don't invite them to dinner until he fixes the problem.

Music is a great idea!

They were never married, only together for a short time. It was an unexpected pregnancy. She hops from guy to guy and always has from what I have been told.
My son gets upset when rules are not followed. He got extra upset because it was Christmas dinner, the 6 yr old had been acting up prior to the meal w/no discipline for it, and wasn't being told at the table to have good manner. My son had just about enough, cried and went to his room.

Chewing w/your mouth closed is not difficult and not too much to expect. I am not going to coddle but I will take the suggestions given here today. Thank you!

Lots of hostility towards this little boy. And his mother for that matter.

I don't sense that you will ever be able to love this child as your own. And he will know it....

Sad that this child will never measure up to your children. And he will know that too.

My 11 yr old twin sons still pee on the toilet seat occasionally for Pete's sake. It's not the end of the world.

Maybe you should think long and hard before you become his stepmother.

You need to have a chat with your boyfriend. Explain that the child's behavior is not acceptable in your house. If the child rules the house he lives in, he is probably thinking he can do the same at your house. If you have already had the chat, shame on your boyfriend. He wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

Children implicitly rely on their parents for guidance and direction. This poor little boy needs help, he has issues that his father for whatever reason isn't addressing.

Something that's unchanged in over a year isn't going to change. This is a take it or leave it situation, both the boyfriend and the kid need much more than a simple talking to.

Maybe some counseling would help if you find the right person/group. Since we don't know how close of a relationship you have with your boyfriend, you might put things in perspective--that is, his boy is pushing buttons, but yours is too. What is going to happen as they grow older in a blended family. I would at least put pros and cons on a sheet of paper. You don't have to share it with anyone if you don't want to. Wrte-read-shread is good.

So, he's doing this on purpose, trying to goad your son....time to figure out why he wants the attention, even negative attention.

Please don't put him in the other room, maybe try to get your son to be the generous one since he's older. Let him join in being a good example, part of the teaching experience if possible stressing the generous - 'this is what we do for those who are not as happy as we are'. There's something going on in the dynamics of this 6 yr old and it has nothing to do with table manners.

Magic and Mammie, I was thinking the same thing about her son crying and running out of the room~~here are my true thoughts. I think you are making it a BIG deal to your sons and they are reacting to you~~more than to the little 6 year old, that was only 5 when he met you all.

You need to change your attitude and approach to this or it will never be fixed~~try to do it with loving kindness. To even have a thought that he should be spanked or put in another room is very cruel!

Be part of the solution, instead of being part of the problem~~JMHO

I agree with morz8. There is more going on here. I think he is a terribly confused 6 year old.

Maybe try to get him involved in setting the table such at picking out what color placemats, napkins, etc. and then praise him at the table for his choices. I had the same thought that if your son is 10, it seems a bit of an over reaction to what the 6yr. old is doing.

I, too, think that perhaps the fact that your SO isn't doing his part in the parenting of this child is building up a 'resentment' in you toward the child. (Been in this situation, last year) What "I" discovered was that the child (in this case 23 year old autistic grandson) was allowed to eat alone in his room with TV or toys as company for weeks on end.... so that eating became just filling up his tum, using fingers mostly. Making peace (HA) between DSON and his sister DD, was the first step.... and then all of us making an effort to help the child re-learn (learn, in your case) in a loving manner the rules. Believe me I had to lay down the law (between my 50 yo children) that " I ", the grandmother would be the rule setter and imposer of all corrections. Only me.... in a caring manner. What surprised me the most was that the situation was solved so quickly. I explained to my grandson that he needed to learn manners so that he would not be embarassed when eating at friends or in public... that there were rules of behavior that were acceptable and we were going to practice them. No one was allowed to correct him, and he had to take his 'ques' from me. Usually a reminder(privately) before a meal, and a nod of my head if things weren't going right. It was truly amazing... maybe that somebody cared about his GOOD behavior. The bottom line is that HE needed help and praise and a sense that the reason for rules were to make things pleasant.... (NOT a launch-pad to criticize)And, I believe to make mealtimes a nice experience of sharing equally our day or week. It was not easy. My DD will still find ways of getting at her brother.... with kid in the middle. Maybe a bit like your 'triangle', with you being the 'solver' by expecting more from your older children, knowing this 6 year old didn't come into your life having learned all that you taught THEM before they were two. I truly hope that you can find a way to get past the irritation you feel toward this child... my DD could and can not. Her way of getting past it was to leave and my heart aches for her. He is an interesting young person who will be 12 years old forever, but worth knowing.(And knows the rules of behavior, eating and otherwise)

I'll chime in and suggest that Dad needs to be the solution to this problem, not you. Teaching a child good manners is something that needn't be punitive, but certainly needs to be done when the child is very young.

A parent who does not help a child to master simple social behaviors is lazy and negligent. That's a child who will not be welcomed in the homes of others and may end up being shunned....as you were considering. I'm sure that we've all had to put up with kids like that....at family gatherings, at restaurants, at church, or in the ER where we were a few days ago (yikes).

Just remember....this problem lays squarely on the shoulders of Daddy. I'd be madder than a hornet at him. It sounds like he needs some parenting skills. Train HIM...not the boy.

Good luck! I don't envy you having to face this dilemma.

Exactly! If he is involved in meal prep by picking out music or table linens, etc. then he may feel more a part of the meal, family, and less threatened.

My son gets upset when rules are not followed

If your son is this way, please take him to counseling. He's probably about to begin middle school years, and he doesn't need to hit those years getting upset about something like a 6 year old with gross table manners.

I agree with YogaLady that kids sometimes take their cues about getting upset from their parents. If this upsets you then it's probably upsetting your kids. When my son was 10 years old I had a lot of 10 year old boys in and out of my house a lot. Also a lot of exposure to 10 year old boys at Scouts, etc. All of them had good manners, including table manners, and none of them would have gotten up crying from the table over someone chewing with his mouth full or passing gas at the table. What would have sent them crying from the table would have been if their mother or father had made a big deal out of something and everyone got upset.

The advice rob333 gave you about your son ignoring it and not letting it get a rise out of him is time-honored, effective advice even back in the days where kids were often spanked.

If I were in your shoes I'd go for counseling to learn how to handle children like your boyfriend's son, if I wanted to keep this boyfriend. Teachers are excellent at handling difficult kids. If you can find a teacher who excels in handling kids with difficult classroom behavior, that would be a terrific resource. I volunteered at our local elementary school a lot, and I saw teachers who had an amazing depth of compassion, kindness and insight into difficult children. These teachers were wonderful at getting the most from difficult children. They could probably give you advice not only for your boyfriend's son but for your own son, as well, to help him keep from getting too upset. They deal with the kind of dynamic you describe - one kid purposely trying to mash the whole group's buttons - all the time.

Best of luck to you and your family, whatever you decide.

Would you like him to do things to your son like that? I don't think so.

And with a holiday meal, you put up with those things, sure alot is hard to cope with.

MY youngest nephew was so hard at the table, it was a nightmare but we bit our tongues and put up with it as they would leave after they visited.

It would be different if the son lived all the time and then you get him to work on his daily but here and there, he won't be able to get him to do if no one else does or ask him of it where he lives.

don't ruin the visits, maybe put your own son then in a different room to eat if it bothers him so much.

Father won't teach the 6 year old manners, etc. etc.
You've watched it for a year.
You've been told it's not your job to teach him.
Sounds like a stalemate.
Kid wins and will continue to be disruptive.
There's going to be nothing but trouble down the road.
Time to move on.... for your sake and your kids'.

Leave him alone, ignore, he's asking for attention.

It's the father's responsibility, and I would not invite them to dinner till the problem was solved. Your son is overreacting because he probably feels threatened that his life with you alone is threatened and he can't imagine living with an unruly little boy. If I made a nice Xmas dinner and this behavior happened, I would not be a happy camper and would insist the dad take charge of the situation or there would be no further dinner invitations. .

I would like to know how far the OP sees this relationship going. If living together or marriage is a possibility then that's different then if it's just a short time fun relationship'

If it's a fun short term no future relationship I'd scrap the together dinner times. It isn't working for anyone.

I feel sorry for the OP's sons They know what good table manners are and he is probably still being taught them by the people in his life. He sees a 6 year old with boorish manners and wonders why no one is correcting him and now this kid is basically throwing his poor manners in this kids face deliberately. I'd get up from the table as well. These kids are 10 and 12, it isn't up to them to understand the whys and wherefores of meal time power struggles being dictated by a 6 year old because that's what happening.

Scrap the together dinner times but also explain to your sons that 6 year olds are still being taught how to eat at the table and it takes a while to learn proper manners. Separating the 6 year old is not the answer either. If it was your own child perhaps, but it isn't.

Kids are people-in-training and proper table manners are essential in the adult world.

The problem for us is that we don't know how acrimonious the divorce of the BF is or if the 6-year-old is being used as a pawn. But the priority for the OP needs to be her own sons.

Thank you everyone for all your advice and opinions. It has given me numerous new view points to consider.

I think maybe I do recent my boyfriend for not taking charge as a parent and teaching his son manners and proper behavior. This is all new to me. I am honestly a very nice, patient, kind person and I have never yelled at his son or been unkind to him. I actually treat him with more kindness and caring than his parents! I talk to him way more than they do and he does engage in table setting, prep, cleanup and all that. My children and he & I all made Christmas cookies together, something he did with us last year for the first time ever.

Maybe he can feel that I am upset on the inside, kids are smart! I will be more aware of what vibes I am giving off.

BLFenton... I agree with this: These kids are 10 and 12, it isn't up to them to understand the whys and wherefores of meal time power struggles being dictated by a 6 year old because that's what happening

A friend of mine gave me the initial advice to have the 6 yr old each separately if he had bad manners. I was on the fence with that suggestion and thus started this thread. Yes, I am frustrated and a bit angry at all this. I do care a great deal for this little boy and we have had some really good times just the 2 of us in the past year. We have a lot to work on, as does every family, blended or not. I will begin by having a heart to heart with Dad/BF and go from there. Thanks again everyone! This is why we have forums right!

I think if this is bothering you so much and your boyfriend is not listening, that it is time to end the relationship with your boyfriend. If this is causing so much stress, there will be other things down the road. Being a step parent is not easy, I know!

I agree with Glenda, the child is trying to get some much needed attention for some unknown reason. Possibly he resents his Father's relationship with you and thinks this will break it up. There is more going on than just bad table manners.

Lead by example.

Praise the children when they have good manners, and point out specifically what it is they are doing right. When he sees the others are getting attention for behaving, he will want some too. Small children are like puppies. They WANT your attention and praise. They WANT to please you!

Catch him doing something good, and lavish him. Ignore the bad manners done on purpose. Redirect him gently.

No, this is not your child, and he is not your responsibility, but this is a chance to do some good.

Be a mentor.

Even if you and your bf don't stay together, this child may remember you his whole life if he learns something good from you. Obviously, you've done a good job teaching your own children.

I'd be more worried about your boyfriend who promises that he will take care of the issue and doesn't. That type of behavior is waving a red flag and will likely continue with other issues that pop up in your relationship. A year is a long time in dealing with this issue. Your BF doesn't support you in this. I'd be directing my energy in trying to resolve the matter with him.

I agree with the others who said that your sons reaction is mainly based on your reactions. The 6 year old has learned what buttons to push.

ALL valid points! It is a delicate web. Thank you all! My mind and heart have a lot to consider. I pray God will guide me and will update in a few weeks as I put these suggestions into action.

I just read your other posts at other forums.
The on-going drama is unbelievable.
I'd run as fast as I could away from this man
and his family.

lindakathy got me curious so I did the same thing, searching for your username.

Yes, love IS blind. My advice: RUN, Forrrest, RUN!

I did the same at lindakathy and littlebug5. Wow. I agree with both of them. This relationship is more trouble than most people would ever put up with. RUN while you can.

If it were me, my home, and my children I would boot that man out the door permantly.

Peace, calm, and your children's happiness are more important than any outsider. Why cause unneeded stress and disruption to your children's daily life over an unrelated man?

I had a firm, non-bendable rule during my long singlehood. I never, ever, dated a man that had children - legitiment, illegitimate, step, whatever. I was not going to be the perceived "evil step mother"; I was never going to be in the position of having to stare at a screaming face saying "you're not my mother and you can't tell me what to do!"

I can only imagine how full your plate is raising two children alone. Still, there must be lots of joy in your little family. There will be time for relationships or boyfriends once they are out of school.

Of course, this is just my skewered view. While I love most kids and am dottie about my nieces and nephews, I never wanted to have children. I was blessed at age 36 to marry a childless-by-choice bachelor. I also know if the world shared our views, humankind would be in trouble.

I also read some of your other posts. I can't pretend to know what your life is like or whether or not your BF has any good points. What I have concluded is that this situation is perhaps something you can handle but it is toxic to your own children

Your sons are about to become teenagers and is your BF someone you want as a role model for them, is the 6-year old someone that they should have to adapt for/to when they will have their own needs as they enter high school and those teen years and all the angst that comes with that?

You have already pegged a number of situations that you are concerned about that aren't working. I think you need to look beyond each situation as a stand-alone and look at them as a whole (does that make sense?) and decide if you want to take all of that on for the long-term. There are a ton of pitfalls in this scenario and you don't want to lose your kids in one of those pits.

You need to either grow a no-nonsense, no BS, my kids first back-bone or get out. It sound like you're doing a pretty good job with your kids and you seem to be raising them with strength and good sense, please don't neglect them. Children sense things and they will know whether or not they still come first in your life or whether your BF has taken over their place.

I have two sons and it isn't easy raising them even without all the distractions of dysfunction.

Good luck. Please do keep us posted. I've read a number of the above responses and it seems you have received some good advice. I would only add that if it were me, my motto has always been "my house, my rules." Kids learn to tolerate all kinds of rules and if this is a rule in your house, you will have to enforce the rules. I know this is sometimes easier said than done. I can say that I have a friend where her boyfriend couldn't tolerate her daughter's behavior. When she was at his house, he set the rules and the consequences. It certainly wasn't always something that they agreed with but they are still dating after 12 years (the daughter just graduated HS in May.) They never got married or lived together while her youngest daughter was growing up. They both were fine with each others older kids just not her youngest kid. Her youngest was much more of a button pusher than all the other kids. They are doing great now. I think in their case, they just decided they couldn't live in a blended family (at least under one roof.) Plus the younger daughter and her mom's boyfriend get along fine now. But both say they couldn't live under the same roof even today.

I wont pretend I know what you're going through, but it does sound like the tip of the ice berg or maybe the straw that broke the camels back type of situation.
as an outsider looking in I will say it's not really that big of deal. My own daughter used to chew with her mouth open when she was young. I used to constantly remind her not to do that. I finally figured out a way to stop that.
Many. many, many years ago. One day she was chewing with her mouth open, making that nauseating noise and instead of reminding her she was doing it again. I asked her "why do you chew with your mouth open?" she told me when she chew with her mouth closed she can hear herself chewing but she can't hear it if she chews with her mouth open. I told her when she chews with her mouth closed nobody can hear her chewing, but everyone can hear her chewing with her mouth open. (here's the kicker) I also told her, You do know that only ugly girls chew with their mouths open right? You're not an ugly girl, so you're not allowed to do that. She laughed. Well it took a few months after that, constantly reminding her in a funny way that she was not "allowed" to do that. But it worked. It wasn't an over night cure but adding humor made the differences. worked on nail biting too.
I doubt this will work with a little boy, but if you can find something silly he responses too, it might. I didn't berate my daughter, I made her want to stop.
hope this helps.
:) Laura

You might try cutting up the boys food to small bite sized pieces before bringing it to the table. Not only will that make it less of a choking hazard but it will reinforce the difference in maturity and expectations to your BF.

I'd look around for a new BF JMHO