No I bought both dIl a bracelet for 1,000 combined,
being around her & her family they are rude the one sister had a baby I got her a gift never heard a word,you can talk to her to her face she ignores you????what..Ilearned quick,she wont hear from me again.
she spilled the beans about how she felt about me,my daughter told me,she said it would be world war 3 if she crossed me,my son is my favoriite other son her hubby is mommas boy,my daughter toldme.I think is what started it.
On Christmas she took her girl to bathroom while we were eating.My hubby asked the oldest do you want some sweet potatoes he looked at my son with the weirdest look ,like if he did hed get whipped,I said you can if you want .He did,he liked them.Its odd.
She supposidly is god mother to a girl her parents dont want her,she lives with her grandma.She brings her without asking to dinners.picnics she sits plays videos etc dont talk to any of us.

I'm sorry this is stressing you out. Is there a chance you're misreading some of her actions? You say she doesn't speak to anyone but could she be shy or anti-social? I know I hardly speak to anyone at big family gatherings because that's how I am but it's not because I'm trying to be rude.

As for the sick child, I understand you can't be around sick kids but leaving a kid home on Christmas is a tough thing to do. Telling him he can't go get his presents or see his family or participate in the activities can be difficult because most kids won't understand why you can't be around them. I agree she shouldn't have brought him over but I can see why she did. If it was truly because she disregards your health then that's one thing but it may have been an honest mistake.

Also, it seems like a lot of the information you're getting about her bad behavior is coming from another source, like what your daughter says she said. I'm not saying your daughter is inaccurate but it's sort of like that Telephone game you play when you're a kid where a message is passed from person to person and it ends up changing or being elaborated on or exaggerated a little bit. It's just the natural thing when you relay information, especially if it's about someone you don't like, lol.

Things like the kids not eating on Thanksgiving...I wouldn't let it bother you. Instead, focus on how they still came to see you even though they had plans to eat at another house. It's tough when people have multiple obligations, especially with kids.

Also, do you bring up how much you spend on her or the kids or how you saved their house twice due to their spending? You mentioned it in the posting so I'm wondering if you say that to her that maybe she resents you holding something like that over her head. Just speculation but people get very touchy over money especially if they feel they are being criticized. I know if I had someone reminding me how much they helped me, it would get on my nerves and I'd grow to resent that help even though I was grateful. It's a complicated thing.

Obviously I don't know the situation as well as you do but I know how easy it is to become convinced that someone is out to be miserable, and certainly those people do exist but it may not be that everything she does is done out of rudeness. And if it's stressing you out to this extreme, maybe it will be helpful to change your perspective on her and realize it's she who is losing out on valuable family time. There may be reasons behind what she's doing so my advice would be to either try to figure out those reasons and address it directly or try not to let it bother you.

Sometimes one has to divorce family members. goodbye that's it. Her loss your gain IMHO

I belong to a self-help program and they have a saying you might want to try... You can't change your DIL, but you can change the way you react to your DIL. Talk to you son/family and ask what to do. I would paste a smile on my face and keep it there. ...set up rules and send them to your son and his wife and stick by them - you'll find peace. When a child is sick, just remind her your rules and ask they need help to pack their things.

If i had a person like that in my life, I'd make a point to NOT invite her to holiday family dinners. Maybe her kids will one day seek you out, if they have pleasant memories, but I'd cut her out of my life if I were you. She's Toxic. Don't need people like that in my home. Good luck.

Wow, I could go on and on about this subject but I guess I won't because it's wrong in SO MANY WAYS. I'd just like to say that as others have said, you cannot do anything to change her only what you do. And to say that when I had "parents-in-law" they gave us in laws gifts that amounted to about $20 and why in god's name are you buying HER SISTER gifts. *Shakes head!!!!!* And why in the world are your kids buying her and her kids presents...stop the insanity...ugh...I've said too much already....

Bulldinkie, I feel bad that you're so stressed from what should have been a pleasant day. I feel this is an extreme case of the old addage, "no good deed goes unpunished" meaning when you help someone out it comes to bite you" It's happened to me in my life too. It could be that she's totally embarrassed that she had to be helped and doesn't feel worthy to receive anything OR it could be that she feels you are her competition as you son may insist that she go or she may just be a mean spirited person. In all the above cases I think the best thing to do is what's best for MOST of the family and that is to take a very sweet approach that can't be criticized by anyone. You know you're a good person, you don't need her approval. Lots of people are rude because no one taught them any better. There must be some good in her or your son wouldn't have chosen her for a wife so starting today, don't talk about her to let any one around you talk about her. On gift giving occasions, simply state her name aloud so all will hear and say "Jane was that gift something you will enjoy, if you you may exchange it" Keep in the neutral lane.
I'm the type that takes a direct approach so, if it were me, I'd give her a call and ask directly "is there something I may have done that has offended you" If she says yes then just listen and correct the situation, if she says no then explain. I feel bad that we don't interact more, I really would like to have a more open relationship with you. But that's me, I want family to be united and do all that is needed to accomplish that. No one has control over our reactions to a situation, only we decide how to react so, for your health's sake, it's time to let it go, shake it off and take the high road. I wish you well.

I not 100% following your post but it does sound like she's acting very rude.

I'm sure there's something going on that you are probably not aware of. Maybe her husband is emotionally abusing her and she takes it out on his family. Maybe she just found out he had an affair. Maybe she's got a chronic illness or is sick. Maybe she feels the other in-laws are treated differently/better than she is. Maybe she feels embarrassed not being able to buy others nice gifts but having to receive them and then being asked if she likes them, etc... I know that would put me in a bad mood.

There could be many things going on. I know I sometimes tell my kids not to open presents because they often get duplicates or lose pieces or directions. The fact that you were mad at her for bringing her boy, but not mad at his father, is kind of telling and may be at the heart of it. Why is she considered the bad guy? And, maybe you paid off the house but it was your son with the drinking or gambling problem that got them into the mess and her spending was on necessities and he only said it was her spending. I'm just saying there's a lot more going on than you are probably aware of. Usually in these cases the in-law is mad about something and isn't just a rude person. Maybe she wasn't asked what time worked well for them, maybe she wanted to host the event, maybe the other nieces and nephews are favored (and not just with/by gifts). Look into your family dynamics and see what you think may be the problem.

I remember once vistiting some out of town realatives and the wife was very rude to me... barely said hi, acting like I was bothering them, actually left to run an errand when I was there for half an hour. I thought she was rude, but later found out they had been having major marital problems. I had no idea, but I wouldn't doubt it may be something like this.

Your DIL is a brat and obviously has some deep rooted issues. That said, I think you need too step back and take a breather because what you say to your DIL will also jeopardize your relationship with your son and grandchildren. You might likely not see them anymore.

I've been in a similiar situation and it made me sick. You can't change her, she is who she is. You need to change the way you deal with her and your son. He may also be in a difficult situation trying to keep his wife and his mom happy. It's a no win situation.

Have you ever had a private discussion with her regarding theses issues?

Another who believes you can never change another's nature.

I have to say, though, spending $500 on a Christmas gift is WAY out of line--I don't spend that much on my husband (he got a couple of pairs of $10 slacks, a pair of slippers, and a bag of candy from the supermarket). Perhaps the first thing you need to do is to cut back on ALL your holiday gift-spending. It's so unreasonable to overspend, truly. I just sent Harry and David gifts to the more distant (relationship-wise) relatives--things that were in the $30-40 range. It's enough to let them know you're thinking of them.

You do need to sit down and have a talk, though--with your SON. You need to find out exactly what's going on, who's being abused (him? the kids?) and what he's planning on doing about it, how you need to help.

I'm not exactly sure who you helped financially, but that's another issue you need to stop and think over. When you let 'kids' get into trouble then bail them out, without making them face and understand the consequences, you're not really helping them. You're enabling them, and teaching them to be irresponsible. It's only by learning that our actions have consequences that we learn responsibility.

With your health issues, you need to put your needs first. If ANYONE comes to your home sick, you need to have the guts to forbid them entry. If you go someplace as a guest and another guest is sick--then you need to leave. In neither case do you need to make a federal case over it, just do what needs to be done quietly and politely, but it's not worth putting your life on the line, truly.

Take care of yourself, and understand that we cannot always continue to have people in our lives if they're toxic. It's okay to cross off those who are excessively rude, who are abusive, who don't treat us with respect. We've been there, and know what? I expected that having to eliminate certain people from our family circle would lead to regrets in the following years (even though we really had no choice at all)--but it hasn't. In fact, getting rid of the 'outlaws' has made the last 10 years so much more peaceful, I wonder why we didn't do it sooner.

Dink, I so feel for you during all this.

But let's go back a little and see if we can figure out exactly what the problem is, and how to, maybe not solve it, but make things better for YOU. You have enough to deal with without any outside troubles.

every holiday,picnic, Christmas, Easter,Thanksgiving for the last 3 years she has ruined our holiday. What happened three years ago that started the situation as it is now? That is what you need to deal with now, not what happened this Christmas day.

I could suggest some things for now, but it would be useless without getting down to the beginning.

I hope you are having a calm day today. You have to take care of yourself first.

Blessings.

Sue

People treat you the way you let them "teach" them that they can.......so don't blame her, I agree that it's time to tell her where to get off.....what have you got to lose.a rude, unappreciative DIL........

It sounds like your dtr "stirs the pot" too ---telling you about the yard sale items, telling you that this DIL won't talk to her, telling you that DIL called dtr's hubby momma's boy & oldest son is favorite, telling you why DIL didn't eat T-g dinner, & most of all...telling you "how DIL said she feels about you"---.

These are things you really have no NEED to know & your dtr telling you this stuff is & has stressed you out & just added "more to your plate". DIL might be using your dtr as a conduit to "get to you" & your dtr is obliging by telling you all this carp. It only adds to ill feelings. If you want less stress, tell your dtr to stop carrying tales.

My son's wife, is his wife, but not my DIL and her actions show it.

I prefer her NOT to come.

I do acknowledge and give her daughters, grandchildren gifts at Christmas, remember birthdays, but she does not, including my grandson.

Plus no thank yous!

I quit trying with her. I am done!

Forget the DIL for now. The real issues are your health and your grandchildren. What in the world were they thinking bringing a sick kid?? She could have even had an easy out and stayed home with him while the rest of the family came to your house. I blame both parents for bringing the sick child-no excuse for that.

Kids can't play with their gifts? Are the grandkids distant with you because of her? ??? That would be a bigger problem They can't eat or play?? Why come at all? Sounds like maybe she doesn't let the kids even have the toys if they were in the yard sale.

I would only get the DIL costume jewelry in the future. She must not wear or appreciate it anyway.

Don't know how to say this diplomatically-could she think your house is 'too messy' and not want the kids to eat there because of it? The sweet potato reaction was odd. DId she and your DS eat?

What does your DS have to say about this?

ok no my son works his A&& off she quit work the day they got married had 3 kids boom boom boom 6,5,4She runs and spendsI was told the friends that put them together told her hes got money.I think she thought oh boy quit live the lap of luxury.She found out,he didnt have money
No never mentioned all the money we gave to save thier home ,in fact her grandma died they needed money to bury her they asked us,thinking wed get it back nope we buried her grandma....No shes been married to my son 8 years,shes just getting comfortable now.she told my daughter she can be a real bit&h,I can too.No Ill just tell her were talking ask whats up,then Ill tell her myside.But ruining dinners,picnics will stop.
Oh yes she is jealous of relation ship my daughter & I have ,we are close.My hubby said he doesnt like this he said it upsets him but theres nothing we can do,I disagree..
When they left Christmas eve my other daughternlaw whom
I havent said anything to ,said didnt anybody find that odd?I said what she said her,the way she acted.In front of my husband.So they both know its not me.

I dunno, there's a lot of assumptions you're making off of what you were "told" by other people. Saying that you were told that someone told her that your son has money and you think she only married him to have a luxurious life...I have to say that staying home with three young kids doesn't sound all that luxurious to me, lol. If my mother-in-law was going around speculating that I was a gold digger based on what someone said someone else said, I'd be a little hostile too.

I still think you just should have a heart to heart with her instead of speculating and listening to gossip that people are telling you. It seems like you've already made up your mind that she's an awful person from the day she married your son (based on these things you've said about her) and I suspect it's interfering with your perception of her. She probably feeds off of that. If you're telling all of us, I'm sure you're telling others in your family and it likely gets back to her.

Maybe she is reacting this way because she feels that you are the one making a hostile environment. It sounds like you don't like her and it sounds like that goes back a long time. Do you resent the fact that she chose to stay home with her kids instead of work? Do you dislike that your son has to work hard to support her and her kids? Taking care of 3 kids is just as much a job as working hard at an outside career but it sounds like you don't think she should be spending (his?) money.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm noticing patterns in what you're saying and I think you may be the one stressing yourself out needlessly about it, not her. I'm sure there's more to the story but I'm going off of what you're telling us. Maybe take an honest look and see if maybe you judged her too quickly and it's spiraled from there. Or maybe she's just a mean person, who knows. Your son picked her for a reason, and you raised your son right so there must be something good there. You might just have to open up a little to find it.

Does she have a good relationship with her own mom, Bulldinkie? That may be where the trouble is rooted, and why she is envious of your daughter's relationship with you. Silly gal, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your other DIL, so this one is missing the boat. I would imagine that this is all deeply rooted in jealousy and disappointment that you son is not wealthy.

I cannot judge what another wishes to spend on Christmas gifts. That is our own personal decision, I've spent more than that at times, and in your position, I think I can understand why you would do it. It's not the dollars, it is the thought and it sounds like this was a gift that was well thought out and chosen with love, even if not for her, for the other recipients of the bracelet. I think it is commendable that a gift like this was given to her under these circumstances. But I fully understand that you were trying to keep things 'equal'. Choosing the appropriate beads was probably a challenge!

Some people are just bitter self centered A holes and there's nothing that's ever going to change them!

Sorry you are so upset Dink. I have a somewhat similar situation with my DIL. She isn't rude but I would say she is an introvert with anxiety problems. They, (son and DIL) have a lot of financial issues. 4 kids and she won't work. (4 kids are as much his fault as hers. Maybe more so, since she won't work.) He stays stressed out trying to pay bills. I've always been annoyed that she won't work but there's nothing I can do about that. It's between the 2 of them. When DS complains about having difficulties I listen but don't give advice.

They spend holidays with her family and DS and grandkids stop by later in the day. It's ok with me. I see the kids a couple times a week.

I think the only thing you can do is accept that she is who your DS has chosen to build a family with, good or bad. You can't teach manners to the DIL or grandkids unless you spend a lot of time with the little ones. Just free yourself from the worry and have little expectations.

BTW.. I don't think it's out of line to spend that kind of money on your DIL's. Your money, so spend however you wish. But don't expect any gratitude or even acknowledgment.

Sorry you had to put up with such nasty behavior.
She's one you don't treat with kid gloves, with that
attitude you have to get her attention, be just as
mean back, not more, but just as much. Trying to be nice
has not worked...
Also, your son needs to see what's going on. I know you are
supposed to support your spouse but she's clearly wrong.
Take a tough stand...

I don't see anything changing here. You're gonna have to do whatever it takes to keep the peace, but it would be a cold day in hell when I'd go out of my way to give such a nice gift. Give it up. It's not gonna happen.

No chi chi,I never said she was a gold digger although good discription,the guy that put them together told me he told her hes got money, no house isnt messy thats one thing I must have neat clean house.
She told them they could have hotdog or lasagna shje brought,nothing else???
No she got married had a baby right off,had the boy 2 months later pregnant another,now shes complaining theyre driving her nuts...I saw this comming,I saw her with her own family.Im talking to her Thursday nite I want to know whats up..

Wow,i didn't read all of the posts,but just want to say i'm sorry she ruined your holiday.But as Dr Phil and others say,we teach people how to treat us!!

I have a GS in his late 20's who's always had an attitude problem.One easter he came over,last one to come and he had a major attitude,so i and his older brother told him to lose the attitude or leave,so he left and we all had a good day.

I'm sorry,life is too short to put up with other peoples BS,just because they think the world owes them or whatever their problem is.I won't put up with it and neither should you.

She sounds as ungrateful as the day is long,and i wouldn't buy her anything,or invite her over.Why spoil your day and everyone else's because of her.

You have enough on your plate,and you don't need or deserve her and her S**tty attitude.Time to put your foot down or UP.
JMO
Kathi

I imagine this is very stressful. What was your mother in
law like? Maybe you had a perfect mother in law so this
is even harder to endure.

Often we forget that our children's partners are not of
our choosing but their choice. Your son's love for her is
his choice. You have no control or even influence.
Remind yourself your son loves her or loved
her at one time. There was and is something wonderful
about her that makes your son happy. She might be a nasty
wicked person to all around her but to him, she may
be wonderful.

Before you talk with your DIL, talk with your son.

Meet with your son privately for lunch or breakfast, and
talk. Tell him how it hurts that DIL does not seem
thankful. In a gentle and loving way tell your son how
much you love him and want him to be a part of your life.
Let him know how you wish to be treated. If you expect
thank you cards, or verbal thank yous than he will have to
do this.

And before you meet with your son ask yourself (look in
the mirror) ask what you want from this DIL and your son.
And what are you willing to accept ? Sacrifice?
Will you be upset, hurt, worse off, sad if you loose the
connection with your grandchildren and your son?
Because confrontations often have sacrifices. NOt always
but unless both parties want to have a positive outcome
it can be very ugly and create a larger problem.

Sometimes we have to be nice to the lioness (lion) at the
gate in order to have the joys inside.

~boxerpal

at least she's not related to you, lol...i was about ready to strangle dh, dd2, and ds1..i ended up leaving (late enough, lol) alone and let my dd1 deal with dh!

(((Kim)))

Oh my. We gotta have the same DIL. And, yes, it's a very biggg problem. Mine has been going on for 4 years and I keep stepping up and saying, "I'm sure she's all better now," only to have it shoved back in my face.

A felony on her record so no one will hire her, 4 or 5 times in rehab (I forget), countless times in jail for breaking probation, she missed our T-Day dinner this year because she was still in lock up, they've been evicted from their apartment for not paying rent, she spends money like she has it, can't be a mother to my GD for more than two weeks at a time and just three weeks ago, right after a rehad stint, I caught her red handed digging at my lock box in a closet trying to get to my pain meds. Just so much more, but, you get the idea. She'll check herself (or the state will) into rehab shortly and I'll take the baby.

When they got evicted I was more than willing to give my son, my GD and their dog a place to stay until they had some money put aside for another place. I just simply told them I could not and would not have DIL stay here. I have no trust or respect for her. So, she stayed at her mom's....a pretty bad place to put an addict since her mom is an alcoholic and her dad grows pot in the garage. I had her over for dinner several times, let her spend the night a couple of times. GD has her own bedroom here so there was no question of where GD would spend the night.

Through every rehab and jail stint, I was always here to take care of GD so DS could work, loaned him my car at times she refused him their car. I've even bent over backwards enough (or enabled) to be sure I had GD over night when she wasn't in rehab or jail so they could have a date night or alone night. I have spent months on end taking care of that little kid, almost 24/7 and I'm hardly physically capable of chasing a 4 yo these days.

Here's what I get - She kicked him out of her mom's house on Christmas Eve (she went off on some rant), refused to let him have Christmas Eve with his child, yadda, yadda, yadda....same old stuff we put up with every single holiday for 4 years that she's sober enough to form words.

So lemme tell ya how this cow ate the cabbage:

I figured, "WhatEVER", we'll have the kid for Christmas Day because that's how we've always done it. Her family does Christmas Eve and my family does Christmas Day. DIL informed me, when I called to ask what time to pick up Miss Bug, that DIL decided Bug would spend Christmas Day with her Mommy.

DH has never seen such wrath nor has my X-Navy dad probably heard those words before.

My last text to her was, "What part of 'I'm done with you' don't you understand?" Then DS goes off on ME on how dare I talk to his wife like that and moved out. Now, that I've calmed down, my intentions are just to leave everything be. She put the last straw on me, I'm done with her. I'll set back, let her try to be a mom on her own, no break from me. I give her a week before she cracks....DH gives her two weeks. Can you just imagine her life? Living in that teeny, filthy house with your drunk mother, dad spends 23 hours a day in the garage "gardening", two other sisters (one with fetal/alcohol syndrome), now your husband and a 4 yo?

I guess what I'm trying to relate to you, Dinkie, is sometimes ya just gotta draw a line in the sand and say, "Not ME you don't! Not THIS time! Not MY family." And, stick to it. I will be meaner than a junk yard dog right now. I know mine is uglier than yours but, at some point, ya gotta stop the uglyeness. Say it like it is, move on and live large.

I know I still have the option of calling Child Protective Services to do a welfare check on GD but it would blow soooo many people's world apart and I do believe she's in no harm and I have neighbors/relatives watching. I'm on it.

Geez, in one week I lost my mom (she died), my son, my GD and my DIL.

It's okay, I still have the dog. He's great and as soon as I get used to Boxer Boogers on the door glasses, I'm content. I'm working here with a rescue Chihuahua and a rescue Boxer, both food aggressive. It's a big house.

I forgot to say when they were getting married they came to me,asked can we get married here on the farm,I?said yes guess what I did EVERYTHING,my kidneys were just starting to fail, was exhausted.1 week before the wedding her grandma comes up and says her mother which is her daughter will not help you dont expect it,Oh I said a week before the wedding Ive already figured that out.no offer to help from anyone,no offer of money,we paid for everything,caterer,flowers,pictures never not 1 thank you from her or her family not once.. does this sound like someone is being nasty to her...She can be nasty but she is not comming in my house and disrespecting my entire family because shes miserable.11 people no. oh about a month ago she got tickets from a teen job she use to have.Take preschool class to skating rink,my other grand daughter goes there,the other grand daughter was sooo excited to go told her mom,told me,They didnt hear anything my other dIl says hey did you get tickets for the grand daughter which is her niece ,oh no we didnt have enough,now come on youre gonna pick on a 4 yrold.Her parents are the ones I think shes jealous over.That was uncalled for.

Many times family troubles are caused by communication or lack of on BOTH SIDES!!!! DH and I made a decision NOT to loan money to anyone--friend or relative. We did break that decision a very few times involving our own children. Two did pay back very good and the third did pay back in other ways.
I do not put up with rudeness from anyone, and I did and do use TOUGH love involving both one of my kids and several of the relatives. I will get their face and they do know do know exactly how I feel. There are some very good books by Dr. James Dobson involving both tough love and relationships with adult children. These are older books but are better than much of the stuff on the market today.
Maybe this will help all of us be better adults to get along with others. We can only change ourselves, not anyone else.
M.

OK I have some ideas going on in my head which you may want to consider...I know there are usually two sides to each story..

What about the possibilities of these things going on in DIL's head:
One thing could be this: "Every year I tell my MIL that we eat at MY MOM's house and every year my MIL insists that we eat at her house when she knows darn good and well we are going to eat my MY Mom's house!" >Just a thoughtAnother thing: "Every year I tell MIL what we need for Christmas and every year she buys us some useless gifts like some expensive costume jewelry bracelet when she knows I never wear jewelry! Why can't she buy me what I asked for?" You know maybe she's told you she wants gift cards but you are one of those that wouldn't dream of buying someone a gift card(I have a SIL that has this line of thinking). My SIL will always give me the most ridiculous gift that is totally unsuited to my taste, though I'm not rude about it and do thank her, I can't make myself wear something that I'd laugh at(to myself of course) on others...HA!

I'm just throwing some reasons out...like this lady I saw was soooo mad because her husband bought her bras and panties for Christmas...HA! He probably doesn't have a clue why she's mad at him!

I also had an additional thought or two about the situation.

There are a lot of people out there--some dumb, some very smart but just uneducated--who don't understand health issues. Do you think she's the sort of person who might think she or the kids might 'catch' what you have if they eat or play with the toys you give them? I know that's a bizarre way of thinking, BUT there ARE people who simply do not have a good grasp of health info. I still know some people who think they can 'catch' cancer if they're around those who have it. Just wondering.

You seem to be keeping score, which is only fueling your resentment. Stop marinating in how you feel about this. You need to let it go.

You raised your son, and this is the woman he chose to be his wife. If you want to keep a relationship with your grandchildren, you are going to have to make peace with their mother. Or, you can continue to keep score of every single perceived slight (and there are two sides to every story, so I'm not buying this woman is pure unrelenting evil).

Such hatred and resentment will only damage your own health, it will eat you through from the inside out.

Good advice tally. I cannot imagine being in bulldinkie's situation. Thank you Lord that my daughter married an awesome man. I can only pray that someday my son finds an equally lovable woman. And I also pray that I will be a loving, understanding mother in law!! Like you said, it takes two.

ok first off she doesnt tell me where theyre going on christmas I invite them they come.Its none of my business,second she doesnt ask for things and what I buy are good gifts like son gift certificate at Lowes hes redoing kitchen,My daughter & I put alot of thought into what we buy,picnics ,dinners we do it all ourselves.always get some clothesfor kids,shoes a coat maybe.She never told me what they want what she wants,I thought Id do something special get both dil a bracelet.
No she was fine the first 5 yrs marriage this is just like the last 2 yrs shes been ruining our holidays.
we bend over backwards for all our kids.She has no reason feeling this way ,Im gonna find out,just hope she comes down Thurs.

She has no reason feeling this way

You are starting off from a place that says Bulldinkie is right; DIL is wrong & she's is not entitled to her feelings. This confrontational approach is most likely to end poorly, imho. It *seems* from what you've posted & your replies that it is "your way or the highway".... just sayin'.

Ditto everything Tally posted.

"ok first off she doesnt tell me where theyre going on christmas I invite them they come".... ok, so you don't check with them what other plans they have before you set the time? We don't set a time until we fine out what works for the inlaws and often have Thanksgiving on a Sat and switich off having Christmas on Christmas Eve versus Day, etc.

Of course it's your business if your DIL's mom is having dinner within an hour of your dinner. Thinking you can just set a time and invite is, I guess, ok, but may not really be all that hospitable to the inlaws. Just a different way to look at it... but maybe her mom gets mad that they never eat at her house... I mean, there is another family involved. It's not always just about you.

To imply that she is a gold digger simply because someone told her that your Son had money before they dated, is reaching. I mean, she can't win. I would think she would find out he didn't have money when they dated, no?

"she quit work the day they got married had 3 kids boom boom boom 6,5,4She runs and spends" Why are you mad she quit work to raise little kids? Unless she's a high paid professional, she probably couldn't even bring in enough money to pay for their extra childcare if she worked. The number of kids a family has and how they are spaced is their business --why does it sound like you are blaming her (and not him). And why would you assume her spending is friviously and not normal spending? Many husband's think their wives are over spending, when they are simply buying toilet paper, children's clothes and paying doctor bills. Your explanation of "her" just seems so negative and accusatory for no reason. I mean if you said...she just went on a 2 week trip to Barbados with her college friends, bought a $700 handbag, or she's sleeping with the mailman... but you've said nothing of real substance. I think you dislike her and are picking on her... and I wouldn't doubt she knows that and is responding accordingly.

Sorry, but, I think buying someone who has little kids and who appears to be broke (which many people are inthis economy), a nice expensive bracelet is somewhat tacky. I'm not sure what kind of 'thought' went into that gift. You seem more impressed by money than she is. She may very well prefer to be able to read stories to her kids and to tuck them in at night than to work a night job where she will hardly ever get to see them. And, Kudos to her if that is the case.

It's sad, but I've seen so many MIL's and inlaws in general think that because they help out financially, they are entitled to love and respect. That can not be bought. If you want to give or loan them money, then do so without conditions. You should be grateful they are not whores. Thinking someone owes you something because of that is putting more value on money than you should. You can't buy love. She'll probably love and respect you when you call her and ask what time is good for Christmas dinner and when you put a little thought into what she personally may "need" or want for a gift. You may also try praising her for making sacrifices so that she can stay at home with her kids and express how great and hard it must be for her raising three kids so close in age. You seem to focus on the negative with her; it just really depends on how you look at things...

You're fighting a one sided battle.
She's not playing your game, so you just get madder.

Frankly, she may not like that brand of Jewelry, I never heard of it, and looked on their sites and it's not my taste - no matter how much they charge for it.

She may just not like you personally - no big thing. There's no law that you have to like your MIL, just don't put a DH in the middle. Just be thankful that she goes to your home, instead of having a fight with your son about not going.

You can't force a person to like you, by getting mad or buying them gifts they wouldn't buy themselves.
Try money as a gift - it's a lot less personal.

From what you say, Dinkie, you're all in a snit and she's just being cool. Why get yourself in an uproar?

This is what started to happen in my family when my siblings began to have their own families...they no longer wanted to have to run over to "granny and grampy's" house for Christmas. Christmas is just a very stressful time of year for everyone and everyone expects everyone to go to THEIR HOUSE for Xmas and that house for Xmas and so on and so one and it kinda SUCKS and you just want to scream! And then your kids have their own families now and the kids really don't want to be carted all over here and there. She's probably just stressed out to the max, you want everyone at your house and play by your rules. So on and so on. Yeah she may just be a hard to get along with winch but she may just not feel like playing the holiday games everyone has going these days.

In my own situation, I live totally away from all MY family but near to my husband's side minus any parents because they have passed on. But there's a situation going on with his side that's just got me totally puzzled. Suddenly three years ago, my husband and I are no longer invited to the regular gathering. Neither of us can put a finger on anything other than they had their first grandchild and we believe they do the Christmas THANG with them now but no one has said a word about it. Heck, maybe we pissed them off about something but there was never any fight about anything...who knows what goes on in people's minds...I sure don't know! My husband and I just enjoy our time together and do our own thing without all the stress!

Bah humbug...HAHAHA!

ok done here case is closed...

You are done? But you said you needed help.

I think monica pa and several others had some good points. Don't open your POCKETBOOK. Open your HEART.

Hmm. What would happen if you asked her the following question: "What is it like to have me as a mother in law?" and then you just listened?

Alot of you are wrong, open your heart thats all weve done for this girl,her grandma told me in front, loud so everybody could hear it,Her mom & kids are rude.Im finding out.I said to my husband on Christmas what do you think he said it makes him sick.When they left Christmas eve when they went out the door my other dil says Doesnt anybody see that?I said what?She said what just happened.I said yes
The girl is miserable shes gonna make us miserable too.shes not gonna ruin every holiday fpor 11 people because shes throwing a tantrum.Time to grow up she has 3 kids.Im telling her that tonite she dont want to come down fine,You know when the kids and my son come down those kids have a ball.She treats them like puppets.We pulled a big sheet of paper over the table last week just left 4 grandkids draw,color.They loved it.Whatever Im talking to her tonite,I went in to dialysis Monday morning ,bp is usually 96 it was 156.Im done.This is just turned into an insult fest Im done I wont repond anymore ,I was asking for help here.Thanks to those that did.

Dinkie--I've read most of the posts on this thread. In no way did I see people posting with the purpose of insulting you. Many didn't agree with you--hey, we all have brains and opinions, that's okay--and were just trying to give you their slant on the problem.

In the end, all any of us can do is what we feel is right. You need to take a deep breath, calm down, sit down and list your options--ALL of them--then consider the possible consequences of each. Sometimes it even helps to do that on paper. Once you've brainstormed all that, you'll be able to choose the best option.

I do wonder, though--you're ready to speak with DIL, which is one option. But have you ever sat down, calmly with your son alone, and discussed what the problem is, how it started and gotten his take on how it might best be addressed and solved? If you haven't yet done that, you might get some helpful insights.

Whatever you decide, hope it works out. And as I said before, if it doesn't, there's no shame in eliminating harmful people from your inner circle when it's healthier for you to do so. Good luck.

I also don't see people trying to insult you, dinkie. I certainly wasn't. Everyone who posted cared enough to spend their time trying to help you. You did ask for help, not just support, and with that comes differing opinions. There's a wealth of information here from people who deal with in-laws every day, and it's valuable because it comes from a source that is not involved in your personal family dynamics. People are more truthful and objective when it comes to people they don't personally know. And sometimes the truth hurts.

But, honestly, I think your recent reaction says more about this situation than you might realize. I think you may take things more personally than they are intended, and see insults/slights where there are none. If you're seeing it here, you're going to see it with everything your DIL says or does. I hope you realize that is not an insult, but an observation, and I hope you can reflect on it. Otherwise, I don't think you will ever see results.

when you ask for help, sometimes you get opinions you don't like.

You can take it or leave it. In the end, it's your life.

I have seen that some people have jumped way over the line and made assumptions they have no business making.

Good luck tonight. I hope we hear an update. At the very least, It will feel good to get your feelings out. I know you are hurt and angry (rightfully so), but the goal is to improve the relationship somehow. Don't loose sight of that. Start with that.

I've read all the responses, and some are what I would call "tough love" (al a Dobson, right Marie?) It's probably not what you want to hear, Kim, but there really are two sides to every story and there are as many opinions on this site as there are people. You asked for it, you got it.

I am surprised by your reaction, Kim, but I understand your frustration. But you have to take a step back and try to look at your own behaviors and see how your actions could be misinterpreted by your DIL. Maybe you react to her the same way you have reacted here?

You say things were fine until 2 years ago. I would try like heck to find out what happened to change your DIL's feelings towards you. Sometimes the truth hurts, and you may not like what you here. Or more likely, you'll never hear the truth. But something happened to change the relationship, and I hope the relationship can be repaired. Family is too important.

Good luck, bulldinkie! I hope you'll give us an update after your discussion tonight.