Hi, nicki. I'm so glad that you had a wonderful Chrismas and that you were able to be with your family.

I'm also so sorry that you are feeling so depressed. I have had a lot of depression in my life, too, and it sure isn't funny, however drinking is not the answer, as you know.

How about considering some counselling to see if you can get to the bottom of it? How about Alchololic Anyonomous? They help a lot of people. The drinking is just a crutch, isn't it? Things aren't any better the next day. If anything you still have the problem and possibly a hang over. You have had so much to deal with the last few years, and everyone has a beaking point.

Please get some professional help and keep posting here. I know we'll try to encourage you all we can. We do care and I'm sure you know that.

Chin up. Think of the girls. They don't want to see you unhappy and don't be surprised if they interpret it to mean that they did something wrong. You don't want to give them that impression.

All the best

ivamae

Nicki, I'm glad that your Christmas was good & that you were with family.

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I've been through that as well & am fighting it again now. I did not drink for solace, so I haven't been through that part. I'm begging you to please get professional help. Start with your family doctor & tell him about this. He can make a referral to the appropriate place. Alcoholics Anon. sounds like a great idea too. I know several people that have been helped by it.

Don't worry about being strong & "giving in" to depression. I used to think that too. I thought that I was being weak & I should just be able to force myself to get over it & be happy. That is not true. That will only make you feel worse about yourself. I was very depressed & was having suicidal thoughts. The intervention of my family doctor during a routine visit probably saved my life. You are not having suicidal thoughts now, but for me they didn't start immediately. It was only after I'd been depressed for a while & didn't see another way out that I started thinking like that.

I now know the warning signs & feelings of early depression & know to get to a professional before it gets too bad. Thankfully, I haven't been depressed or taken medication since 2004. I am beginning to feel some symptoms now (I think related to all the gloomy economic news & the uncertainty). If it starts to get too bad I will go to my doctor.

Nicki, please go to a doctor so you can get help.

Nicki, it is so wonderful for you and your family that you had a great holiday season!

I'm happy that you felt comfortable to come here to share your thoughts and actions with us. It's a good step for you.

It's my understanding that the effects of alcohol depress your system, so it makes you feel worse! Just a substitution for the short term, but why not have a piece of really dark chocolate when you feel the need? It can't hurt (at least in the short term).

Good luck, and please speak to a professional soon.

Hi Nicki! I'm glad to hear that you had a great Christmas!

Please try to quit/cut down the drinking. Did you ever get any blood testing done? There are several diseases where depression is a symptom (see the link below) or maybe you just need to be on a antidepressant? Depression is a real disease that needs treatment.

I sincerely hope that things will look up for you in the new year. ((((Nicki))))

Here is a link that might be useful: Wrong Diagnosis - Depressive Symptoms

Yes, go get help. I think everyone these days battles some sort of depression.... Some bad enough that they need help. Don't let your depression get in the way of raising and enjoying your family. It can get really bad without help and you don't want to make poor decisions because you were under the influence of alcohol. My sister needs help herself and doesn't get it.... I can't do it for her.

You've been through a lot in the last couple of years, so it's not surprising that you're feeling the effects of it. You're very wise to identify your drinking as a problem, that's a major step for you to take. The advice given here is 100% correct. You need to see your doctor, and be forthcoming about your depression problems and your drinking. He will see that you get good help.

Also, there are many medical professionals who believe that depression is wholly, or mostly biologically based. That means that it is no more your fault that you have it than if you had diabetes or any other disease. It also means it can be effectively treated with the right medication.

Nice that you enjoyed your Christmas, and I really respect that you are honest enough to admit such a serious problem.

I agree with the others. The kind of drinking you describe can ruin many lives. Please, find someone in your area who can offer you professional help---for both your depression and to get a handle on your drinking. Talk to your dr., to your pastor or go to AA, but find someone, some way to get past this.

Sadly, there was a lovely young family who moved to our neighborhood, some years back. They were the nicest couple and had 2 of the most beautiful, smart, well-behaved, kind children I've seen anywhere. Both parents worked hard, took beautiful care of their home, and were some of the best examples of parents I've ever seen (and I'm a 58 year old teacher, so I've seen great, poor and everything in between). Anyway, somewhere along the line, he started drinking. Socially at first, then a little more--eventually (and this is just the tip of the iceberg)--he couldn't keep a job (even his own relatives ended up firing him), he lost his family--when things got too bad, the wife took the kids and left. He started stealing--I know of at least 2 occasions when he stole from his friends/neighbors. He lost his house. Worst of all? He took his young daughter out with him in the car, took her to a bar, then drove drunk and had an accident--luckily, no one was physically hurt--but what did it do to a bright, beautiful little girl to witness all that? He's in such bad physical shape now--mind you, he's only in his late 30's--that he's already had an episode caused by drinking that almost killed him. Such a sad, sad case--people tried to help him along the way, he wasn't interested in help (that's the big difference between him and you, I think--which is to your credit). But it was just so horrible to see what drinking can do to a person who's basically a good person.

Please--find help now, before you get to a state where you won't be able to seek or accept it.

And let us know how you're doing.

I'm hoping mcpeg will see this and post, as she went through something very similar about a year ago. She eventually came to a crisis and got wonderful help; it sounds like she is doing very well. Once she mentioned that she "hangs out" on the diet forum, but I'll bet you could email her if she doesn't see this. I think it's so very helpful to talk to people who know how you feel and what you're going through. The first step is reaching out and you've done that! I also agree that AAA and blood tests (for hypothyroidism) are great ideas, as well as speaking to a professional. Please let us know how you're doing.

I had a stroke in 2001, and one of the medications I was put on was a mild anti-depressant called Welbutrin. It really helped in my recovery and I took it for several years. I never felt crazy or suicidal, but it gave me a sense of contentment, a feeling I could face whatever life threw at me. It really helped. Maybe you can speak to your primary physician.

Nicki, you asked, so I am going to tell you what I think. You already have a DUI. It has caused you enormous problems. You have two little ones to think about. It is beyond stupid to drink. Of course you feel depressed. Alcohol is a depressant.

You have got to stop. Don't even buy the first beer. Not to mention any other kind of alcohol. Use that money for some kind of entertainment to spend with your girls. You have got to put them first and get a grip on yourself.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need a wake up call.
Get busy and take care of yourself and stop trying to medicate your feelings away. The more worthwhile time you spend doing something constructive, the more worthwhile you will feel to yourself. The more destructive behavior you indulge in...the worse you are going to feel, and that is a vicious cycle, with no end in sight, and only bad can come of it.

No one can make these changes, but you. So go do it.

Marilyn was pretty blunt, but she is right, I'm going to add that i hope you are not taking the fiorinal for the headaches or any other headache meds when you're drinking, you are then setting yourself up for disaster. Your girls need a mommy, I'll let you finish the sentence.

Vickey-MN

Re-read Marilyn's post for me. I feel the same way.

Hi Nicki,

I'm pleased that you had a happy Christmas ... with your loved ones.

And that you're happy with your employment situation.

As someone else said... you've had a lot to cope with in recent years. You've come through it reasonably well.

It seems to me that you may be suffering a delayed reaction to all of those ups and downs ... sometimes it takes a while to sink in, and it causes us trouble when it does.

You've been through break-up ... loss of car ... unhappy employment too, wasn't there? And loss of employment.

Now that things are going better - there's this aftermath that's coming back to bother you.

Those miserable parts of life have been dealt with, at the time ...

... now it's time to give them a decent burial!

What's wrong with being thankful for life as it's working out?

And happy about it?

Don't figure that you deserve it?

We are thankful that, having been through so much in recent years, you've come through it all with flags flying ... and a smile on your face. I am sorry to hear that that smile doesn't inhabit your heart, as well.

Thank you for coming here to share your concern and trouble.

I agree - the drinking is counter-productive: you know that. Further, it can cause you a good deal of trouble: you know that, as well.

Please find a counsellor who can walk through the dark valley with you. Some clergy are quite helpful in such situations.

See your doctor as well, for a thorough check-up - there may be a physical reason at least partly responsible, in which case you need to know it and have it dealt with.

Again - thanks for coming to share your concern: that takes some courage ... but you've shown that you're a fairly open person.

(((((Nicki)))))

ole joyful

Thank you to ALL of you for your thoughts.

Marilyn, you are absolutely right and I think about this all the time... I just cannot get myself to do the things that used to bring me happiness anymore... even though I know VERY well that this would help. Just like.. going to my family's house for Christmas... it took everything I had to get myself to go (even though I LOVE my family with all my heart and miss them) but... once I got there, I was soooo happy. What causes this? I don't understand what's happened... seriously. I used to always be the "crafty" one and do really neat stuff to my house.. not any more. My house is very bland and boring. I used to draw alot... not any more.. just not into it. I just seriously feel so weak and that I'm feeling sorry for myself or something (and using that as a mental excuse??) I don't know. I just wish I was the same person I was about 3 years ago.. seriously, and ... I'm not.... not even close.

Nicki, nothing stays the same. Nothing at all. Everything is constantly undergoing change. First of all, you have got to clear your mind. Stop drinking or using anything for a crutch. Sit quietly and think about the person you want to be. Think about the steps you need to make to be that person.

Start small. You have little girls and their minds are like a sponge. Find something you can teach them. Their appreciation and joy in new things will help you. Set aside
time every day for them and some for yourself, but don't spend a lot of time worrying about whether other people like you or not, or hanging with people who will bring you down.

Don't "party"...whatever that means. If you have to make new friends...then be on the look out for some that are the kind of people you want to be around. Take part in your daughters' activities at school, when work permits.

If anyone brings you down...or is a bad influence on you...cut them loose. I had to do that, myself, in order to be at peace. There are always people who have nothing
to do but sit around and drink and stir up trouble.

I know you are a very pretty girl. I've seen your pictures.
There is nothing attractive about a woman who drinks too much. You don't want your children to grow up and remember you as an alcoholic. It's a waste of precious time and money.

Nicki, you can change, but you have to start taking care of yourself, and that means putting you and the girls first.
It takes a little strength to do that, but it gets easier all the time.

Nicki, along with professional help, I know that exercise actually makes you feel better emotionally and doing some volunteer work also helps tremendously.

I'm glad you posted here and told us how you are feeling. It's a good first step. Take care and keep us posted as to your progress.

nicki, have you ever tried journalling? Several years ago, I did that, and believe me it was a real eye-opener. I started writing how I felt as a child and how things had evolved and it cetainly opened my eyes to what many of my problems were. Believe me I wouldn't want to relive a lot of my life. However things did get better and I really think that did help a lot. I kept this, and every once in awhile I read it over again. It might help you too. It is worth a try.

There are many things you and the girls could do together that involves very litle money. They would be thrilled and to see that would make you feel good, too, I'm sure.

Nicki, you've reached out to us, now reach out a little further and seek professional help. What you describe sounds EXACTLY like what my best friend has gone through, except she numbs/medicates with food. Like you, it takes every ounce of energy she has to participate in life, but once she does, she has a wonderful time. She is the life of the party (on the outside), but inside she feels no joy or happiness.

Just a couple of months ago she finally mentioned to her doctor what has been going on and was diagnosed with clinical depression. She is on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist. I see a world of difference in her, but most importantly she sees and feels it herself.

You have two beautiful children that need their mom. Children learn by example, please do not drink.

Please know we are all here for you Nicki and feel free to e-mail me anytime.

Big hugs!!!!

I can't add much to whats already been said here: the sympathy is real but the blunt wake-up call is just as important and real. You seem to be waiting for (and hoping for) something to magically change and make you feel well and strong again. But the only thing that will change your situation is you. You need to decide to do something about it. You need to know that your girls are more important than that next drink. You need to decide it's time. If you don't, it never will be the right time and what's happening right now is what your girls will grow up with. Is that what you want? I'm sure it isn't what you want and I believe you can change it. A professional will help you to find the strength you know is there. We all need help from time to time and right now it's your turn. Get the help you need. Do it today so you can feel better today.

Nicki,I don't post often but reading your post made me wonder if you have had your thyroid checked lately? I know that when my thyroid is low that I feel very depressed and don't want or have energy for anything. I hope you will go have yours checked if you haven't already. Give those little ones of yours a hug and that will make you smile for sure when you're feeling down.

Nicki, you are depressed & must get help. I can't tell you how important that is. I know that you feel sad & hopeless. Your loss of interest in being with your family & doing your hobbies point to depression. Whether it's clinical depression or some other illness causing you to have these symptoms, none of us can know. Many times people who are drinking are basically trying to self-medicate their depression because the alcohol makes them forget. I have a friend like this. He was depressed following his divorce & started drinking heavily. He lost a couple of jobs & basically hit bottom. He's been sober going on two years now. Luckily, he didn't have children who depended on him.

Please know that we are here for you but that you need medical attention. No amount of talking this over with friends will fix the problem. I know how hard it is to discuss this with a doctor - been there & done that. But you must, for yourself & your girls. This is hurting them as well. It still bothers me to think of all the activities DH & I missed because I had no interest in doing anything except sitting home in my pj's. I will never get back that lost time. I only wish I had seen a doctor sooner. I was on Paxil for about three years & it really made a difference in my life. Please give us the good news on Mon. that you've made an appt. with your doctor. Medication and/or therapy can work wonders & make you feel like yourself again.

Nicki, you've reached out to us about several different situations lately. Everyone has given you good advice each time. I know you love your girls more than anything, and you know you first need to take care of yourself. You can do this! Get the help you need.

Sheryl

Nkkki...I know just how you feel. I cannot even fake it on the outside very well. Just kinda dead inside. I am on anti-depressants. Just so much bad has happened in the past 1.5 yrs, some of it isn't going to be cleared up for a long time. Not having a job isn't helping. I do get unemployment.
I don't drink or do illegal drugs, or abuse my medications. '
I do attend church and am awaiting word on membership approval.
I just feel like I am just going through the motions.
I'd feel I'd be worse off if it weren't for my faith.
di

Nicki, I was diagnosed with clinical depression years ago. I felt just like you do now.

I know antidepressants can work, but it's a team effort. Some folks choose counseling with their meds, but I was one who wasn't ready for that.

The docs do recommend to be more active while on the meds. It's hard to go forward when you feel you can't, but it can be done..one day at a time.

You're tougher and braver than you think you are!