The only advice I have to offer is not to leave anything to chance, or to the expectation that your survivors will act honorably or do the right thing. Grief brings out the worst in people. The stuff about your "family heirlooms" should most definitely be in the Will. Not everyone will rush to "grab what they want" before they look at the Will. If you really want a particular "heirloom" to go to a particular person, or if you know someone really wants something in particular, and you're agreeable to that person getting that "heirloom," then it should be listed in the Will.

If you have a medical directive it should be on file at the local hospital, Dr's office,& fire dept. otherwise they are required to do everything possible to recover your breathing and heart rate. Make sure you not only put it in writting, but also verbally tell everyone repeatedly about your directive limitations. l.marie

My/our executrix has a copy of our living will/medical directive, (as does the lawyer),a key to our house, knows how to get into the safe, knows where all important information is located and has copies of our living wills/medical directives, etc. I also keep a copy of both my husband's and my will/medical in my purse for doctors and hospitals to copy. A copy is also on the fridge for Paramedics and in the glove box of our cars. Our executrix knows that if we have any pets, who are all up there in age, that I want them put down. Our daughter and a niece will get what they want. The house and everything else will be sold.Burial arrangements are paid for. We are being cremated.

List who gets what. Better yet, give to them now while you are still alive and know for sure they have the intended items and you can see them enjoy them.

Some history written down regarding any family heirlooms would be nice. I was to given a ring from my great grandmother. It is very very old but I don't know anything about it. Was it her wedding ring, or something passed to her. She died when I was 15 or so and my grandfather (her child) didn't give it to me until after my grandmother died. I was told grandmother wanted the ring and she wore it until she died. That was fine with me, it wasn't that expensive of a ring. But grandmother was always a bit selfish about things, I think because her family lost and suffered a lot during the depression.

Anyway, some family history would be nice, some things about your life, any "family secrets" that people should know about. My FIL told my Hus. some things (before he died) about his mother who died in the 70's about his mother that helped him understand some things about her. About gifting things before you die, that might not be such a bad idea.

I'll include passwords to ebay and Paypal so those accounts can be closed. I'll request DH or DD to let someone here at the KT know of my demise. I have a lot of 'family' items that I will need to list so that these things stay in the family.. my 21 year old daughter isn't interested in these things right now. I also have a lot of collectible items that neither my DD or my DH would know the value of, so that would be included in a letter as well.

I'll be including instructions on what should be done with my cremated remains even though my DH and I have discussed this several times.

I just had a friend in her 50's laid to rest yesterday so I'd like to get my letters 'in order'... just in case.

Death can be a very complicated thing. Even if you will something to a certain person, the first person who walks into the home can take it. The person it is willed to will have to hire an attorney and go to court to get it back. If I had heirlooms and wanted a son or daughter to have it I would give it to them before I died. I have everything in order except how my POA person will get into the house to get the original POA. It goes against the grain for me to give a key to anyone. I have a will, but to be used only if a relative makes a claim on my estate. I have prepaid my cremation. My property is TOD (transfer on death) and my money is POD (pay on death). My estate lawyer said that is the best way in my situation of having only one heir. All the heir will need is a copy of my death certificate. No probate. It is not probate that is so expensive it is the attorney's fees. My brother in law lost 60% of the estate his aunt left him and his brothers to attorneys.

You might want to get a Comfort Care document. It might be called something else in another state. It is an order to not give you any meds except for pains and possibly a tranquilizer in case it is needed. Meds can really prolong your life at a time you want it ended.

Sorry, I forgot to answer your question, I got to involved in final arrangements. I would tell them everything you want them to know now. No family secrets told afterwards. If it is important they know them, tell them now. No surprises while they are grieving.

This is certainly not something any of us want to think about but as we get older we need to for our loved ones. After my Dad died and my Mom was in a nursing home we sold the house. We took my Mom to the house and let her help with clearing it out. It was hard for her but she was tickled to see what child took what. It worked out well.

This process got me to thinking about when my time comes. We laugh sometimes about who will get what. My girls want certain cookbooks and things like that. Some things I have already given to them and others we have put their names on. Every now and then when we are doing something one of them says, "Mom, I want this when you leave this great earth." I must say it pleases me that they want some of Mom's old stuff. I have already passed on dishes of mine and ones that were their grandmothers. They use them all the time.

If you feel the need to write certain things in a letter I think it would be fine to do this. For myself I would not write something that would hurt feelings. Doing this would only make some have negitive feeling about you. Do you have someone you could trust to tell now? Give it some serious though and do what you feel you need to do.. I feel we should all have this right.

If you have certain things that you want to go to certain people be sure everyone knows that. Can you get them all together and make it known to all? Gosh, we don't want to have to think about all of this.. I wish you the best in all the decisions you make. Sounds like you are on the right path..

One big mistake I've seen several people make is to go around and put names on things thinking that there's some sort of obligation that it be distributed to them after the person's death. Not necessarily so, especially if there's value to it. That personal property, unless provided for in a Will or some other document becomes part of the Estate and it'll depend on the state's laws whether the intended recipient can get it or not. There's procedures in most states on how to handle a household when the owner(s) die. Banks can let certain people into a safe deposit box to check for a Will but outside of Estate documents you can't pull things out of there.

As part of my Will I've included a clause that I may have an informal letter of instructions to my Personal Representative(s) which I request be followed, but it's not necessarily binding. It also includes a list of people I'd like notified and things to some people that I'd like said. Directions on my desires regarding pets, if applicable and disposal of my remains. It's more in the hope that I made the right choice(s) for Personal Representative. Things that I want to go to certain people I will definitely give to them before I die if possible. I have beneficiaries named on bank accounts and policies.

My estate won't be extremely complicated. I've disinherited some people and limited others. Much will go to benefit worthy organizations and friends who have proven themselves as true friends and I think they're likely to be rather surprised. Much of my family is gone now in various ways so like I said, it simplifies things in that respect.

I think I suggested a couple of attorneys if they had no idea on someone to utilize and suggestions on what I would prefer for disposal of property, but leave it up to them and not a requirement. I included a thank you and some other personal comments to them regarding handling the estate and certain things that I want kept private unless required by law. There's certain people I don't want involved and that was made part of my Will. I also left instructions on how to handle personal papers, photos, documents and computer data, as to what I want kept, passed on or destroyed, again subject to legal requirements. My semi-warped sense of humor came into play on it, and hopefully it would lighten things up a bit. I included an instruction about things like old clothes could go to animal shelters for their use if wanted, etc.

The one thing I've found is that estates bring out the worst in people. Greed is a strong motivator. People will do strange things for a few dollars. While alive people might not bicker over one getting one thing and another getting something else, but after a death, wars break out. I've personally seen hundreds of thousands of dollars stolen from estates. I've seen the things people will do for very little. I guess that's why I like to see things be clear instead of relying on people having integrity.

We've never had problems with wills, closing and settling estates, etc. We had a few elderly relatives who left messes thinking they were doing things the right way - and not because they were going to be dead and just didn't care. But there's never been an instance of someone coming out of the woodwork making claims or sneaking in to grab up personal property. Many of my elderly relatives gave away things while they were alive to insure they went to who they wished to have them. Might not work for all families, but it seemed an easy path to take as opposed to making out lists, putting names on everything. As one ages, there's a lot more to think about than whether or not you put somebody's name on the tea pot.

That being said though, those experiences were truly teachable moments on how to handle my own personal estate. For me, the financial aspects, stocks & bonds portfolios, Treasuries, cash, etc. are far less problematic than household and personal possessions. With no children there are no built in takers for some things of value. And why saddle someone with something they don't want or have any use for. I'm doing some serious clearing away of the chaff and there might be a while I'm still alive and kicking estate sale sometime in the future (although a future I hope is a long way off).

One thing you can definitely do if you have fears of a money grubbing, disowned or whatever person is specifically mention in your will... and to (________), I leave nothing.

One thing a lawyer told us years ago, is if you want to disown anyone for any reason, leave that person $1.00. You might want to talk to your lawyer about this. He said it is harder for that person to contest a will. In my case, it was my Dad talking about disowning my brother. He (daddy) felt that brother would spend it all in one day and end up with nothing. My brother is an alcoholic and has other issues, so what I did made sure he saw the will, and after the bills were paid, took 1/2 of the remaining money (not much) put it in a separate bank account and sent him so much a month to live on. My choice, and I did talk it over with DH. Yes brother was furious and demanded all of it, but I sent him various amounts until it was all gone. To this day, he tells me that is the best decision I made. No he never married, but has had a rough life. But again it depends on the personality of the people involved. I disagreed with my Dad, but handled it my way.

You don't have to leave any relative anything except the spouse and minor children. Other family members can sue, but they are not entitled to anything. If you die without having made arrangements they will probably get their share.

It is something that we don't want to think about, let alone talk about, isn't it!

My "estate" won't be that much--certainly not hundreds of thousands! Since I'm only in my mid-40s, I'm not ready to say to whomever, "I want you to have this when I die, so pls take it now -- if you want it-- and enjoy it while I can see you enjoying it." If I were to be diagnosed next week with something horrible and non-curable, well, maybe I'd do that then.

I figure that when I die, if there's bickering over stuff, well, they'll know I'm coming back to haunt all of them! But beyond a couple of items, my letter to my executrix says "take what you want but don't feel obligated to keep anything--hold a tag sale! Donate it to a thrift store! Don't feel weighed down by anything because there's probably no hidden value in most of my stuff."

I can't say truthfully that "stuff is just stuff." I really had to speak up when something very precious to my mother almost skipped a generation when a niece's mother said she wanted it for her. The item doesn't bring my mother back, but for a few more years at least, I feel a little bit comforted wearing it.

My executrix is listed as "co-owner" on the safety deposit box, so she should be able to get in without a problem. But I'm going to go to call the bank on Monday to make sure they have all the info on file that she needs to get in--you never know if some bank worker forgets to tell you something!

Your postings did put me in the mind of putting some labels on the back of photos spelling out who's in the photo and why it was taken. I know there are so many photos in people's attics that future generations would toss just because they don't know who the subjects are.

A RELATED QUESTION FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO READ THIS REPLY:

Have you written out your obituary or death notice? I have. I recall sitting around the dining room table after one of my parents died and trying to remember certain things for the death notice. A day or two after the funeral, a sister and I remembered at the same time a volunteer job he did that we'd forgotten! My mom wrote hers out, we found it among her papers quickly after she died, and it really helped us at a time when we probably wouldn't have remembered half of it easily, or accurately.

Quote:

"whatever person is specifically mention in your will... and to (________), I leave nothing."

My attorney had me put: to _______ I leave my love and best wishes.

Tell everyone who is a beneficiary that they are heirs, and to what. And also the executor should know who is named.

It is hard to have to think about doing all this, but I have made some arrangements as a gift to my children. I have a file at the mortuary that handled my husband's services. I have an obituary written out, music I want played, what I want on my casket (one of my favorite quilts, which, as specified, after the services will go to my youngest granddaughter), a poem I want read - still have to put together the pictures I want for my slide show and have them scan those and put them in the file. I've also filled out the booklet "Five Wishes" detailing who should be my POA for medical cares. Look for this booklet on the Internet - it's legal in many states and you don't need a notary - just witnesses.
My plot is paid for, my marker has my name and birthdate on it - this all because my husband died almost 2 years ago. It doesn't bother me to see my name there - reassuring, in fact, that all these things are already taken care of and decided, and it brings me a certain peace of mind.
My financial matters will be simple - everything is POD for my three children equally. I have a file in my file cabinet - a red file - marked "Read This First" which includes all the important information - where this account is, where that one is, the arrangements with the mortuary, etc. etc. I've shown it to my children, and my brother.
I've begun decluttering alot since my husband died - getting rid of tons of "stuff", and I'll eventually start giving some things away too, as some have mentioned.
My brother, who is my POA for the health care issues keeps saying "DW and I should also do this" - but as yet he hasn't. As I said, it's a difficult thing to do, especially when you're not yet very elderly (60's) - but then my husband died at 67 and I never expected that.

I think another aspect to consider is who will get the important family mementos from YOUR side of the family. I have a crystal water jug and worn silve cake plate that was my maternal grandmother's; some of my mother's wedding gifts of silve plate serving pieces and (now chipped) crystal goblets. A ring of my mother's and all my real jewelry and the antique bone china which DH bought me from a PBS auction. All of these I want to go to my children only, and not a future second wife or her family.

Scraphappy: The quilt idea for your funeral is a lovely thing!

i'm starting now with some things...like gifting dd2 with stuff i know she'll use where dd1 won't, or doesn't have the space for...

your're so right shiela about not wanting some things to leave the family and end up with goodness knows who...or on ebay, sigh...

Pammyfay - Thank you. I am a prolific quilter - there are dozens of quilts that will need to be divided up (am trying to give away now, plus donate some) and when the mortuary asked about flowers and sprays for the casket, I remembered the flag that was on my husband's casket, and I said - "I want a quilt" and she very strongly suggested that I also designate who is to get it after the service, to avoid disagreements, and I said "XXXXXX" - as she has only so far just received one when she was much younger. If we don't make these decisions now, someone else will make them for us.

I'm bringing this back up because I heard about it on Len Tillem's radio show. He calls it the list of 11, and I think it's on his website..

The List of Eleven

One of the most tedious and difficult tasks in administering a trust or an estate is finding the decedent's estate planning documents and asset information. Frequently, children have no idea where their parents kept these important documents. After you pass away, the last thing you should want is for your children to have to search through your belongings in a tragic scavenger hunt to find your will, stock certificates, and other important papers.

To avoid these difficulties, you should organize your personal and financial data. This is where the list comes in. Collect the information described in this list and give a copy to your relatives, or put the list where you know they can find it. In case something happens to you, the List of Eleven is one of the best ways to ensure that your relatives can find all your vital records.

1. The name of the bank where you have your safety deposit box, its number, and the location of your key.
2. The numbers for all of your insurance policies, health, life, auto, home, burial, etc., and the names and addresses of the agents for each policy.
3. Itemization of your stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and the numbers of each, and the name and address of your broker.
4. The names of the banks or savings and loans for each of your accounts, and the account numbers.
5. The location of your cemetery plot or mausoleum niche.
6. The location of your Will and the name of your attorney.
7. Your credit card numbers.
8. Your Social Security number.
9. The name and address of your mortgage holder, account number, and the amount of the outstanding debt.
10. The name and address of your accountant, and where your past income tax returns are located.
11. The type of memorial or funeral service you want.

Interesting thread. I have to think about buying a cemetery plot and gravestone, as I still have my husband's ashes and my daughter Jill's. I assume three boxes of ashes (including my own) can go in one grave, but I'll find that out for sure.

My son once jokingly asked me to write my own obituary, but I told him I want wonderful things to be said about me--and I don't want to write them myself! :-)

I'll tell them my preferences as to memorial services, etc. (mostly I don't want to be viewed), but I think such things are ultimately for the living, and therefore my children should do whatever feels best to them.

I'm saving that List of Eleven--thanks!

Susan

I know of a woman whose body was buried with the ashes/urn of a niece... so I know that can be done.

The list of eleven is good... I'm saving that too!

One subject that can be embarrsing to the survivors is how much should the exector/exectrix charge for their service, or should they charge anything? This gets tricky when the exector also inherits from the estate. I suggest 10% of the estate. However, if the exector also inherits, this could be excessive depending on the size of the estate. If the estate is very large, say more than 2 million dollars, then a fixed sum would be appropriate. Discuss this with your exector/exectrix and get an agreement on the amount. It is probably wise to include this statement in the will itself to make it legally binding and thus difficult for any survivor to argue against it. It also gives the exector a legal right to be compensated.

You could word the statement in a manner to leave the exector some "wiggle' room. For example, you could state that the exector may receive up to 10% of the estate for his/her service and that fee is to be substracted from the estate before the remainder is divided among the inheitors. By this wording, the exector may choose any fee from nothing up to 10%. The exector may decide that a fair charge is one that cover his/her expensives and time associated with executuing the will.

You were wise to store copies of the will in different locations. A single copy of a will stored in a safety deposit box can be a problem. Upon the holder's death, the survivors may not be allowed to access the box until after it has been probated. Check with your lawyer. Laws vary by state.

You're right about the standards for executor's fees varying from state to state. Finding yourself in that position pretty much indicates you should seek local legal counsel.

Found this on Q & A INFORMATION ABOUT ESTATE ADMINISTRATION AND PROBATE:

"Customary fees for the person to administer a decedent's estate may vary from state to state. Pennsylvania and many other states have set guidelines for a reasonable amount a personal representative administrator may receive. For example, in Pennsylvania, a reasonable fee for an estate not exceeding $100,000.00 is five percent (5%) of the probated estate. The personal representative's fees are paid from the estate and generally must be approved by the court."

I'm guessing that estates over $100,000 would entail a sliding upward scale of customary fees.

My brother and I went through this a few times - me being financial POA, etc. while the person was alive and my brother being named executor. In all cases, he waived any fees simply because in a couple of cases our mother would inherit as a sibling of the deceased and he would inherit again from a family trust and my mother's trust. Taking additional fees (even though entitled) just seemed a bit greedy.

Tell everyone who is a beneficiary that they are heirs, and to what.

There are pitfalls to this. I'm just thinking in the lowest common denominator if you no longer have what is willed, especially with regards to cars, household goods, possessions, etc. Like you've promised a very large, highly appraised diamond to someone and it disappears in the hospital or the Ming vase gets knocked off the mantel - I'm guessing that heir is compensated fair value from other assets that were willed to someone else. It gets murky and takes time and real effort to juggle things accordingly.