Do you know any siblings who were provided for unequally and what was the result?

Yes, several. In one case, great wealth was involved. The father bought the first semester's textbook for his kids, but otherwise they were on their own to fund college. Upon majority the eldest, a male, received several million dollars. His sisters received significantly smaller amounts. I knew the man, not the sisters. He thought that they were justifiably angry. He spent very little of the money on himself. He used the bulk of it to set up a trust for a cause that mattered deeply to him. He said he'd make his own millions, thank you very much. And he did.

My mother's family was far more ordinary. Mother left home early because there really wasn't a place for her. Her older sister married and the couple moved in with my grandparents. That meant that my mother had to sleep with my great grandmother. Both daughters were difficult in their own ways, but the one who stayed was accepted. My mother followed her husband, but living far away was unforgivable. My mother was always deeply hurt that her parents favored her sister to such an extent. (She wasn't making this stuff up. The difference almost certainly there when the daughters were kids, and it was blatant enough for me to see when I was a child.) My grandmother genuinely did not see the disparity. She believed that she treated her daughters equally, and that the older one was more vulnerable. Over the years the house and property were transferred from my grandparents to my aunt and uncle. The only thing my mother received wasn't really for her. I was allowed to choose a cup and saucer from my grandmother's collection. This wasn't a surprise, but it still hurt my mother. Ever the lady, she didn't allow her feelings to show when we visited her relatives.

I don't have children, so I can only guess what I'd do. First of all, it would depend on how much money was involved. Would any of the kids need lifelong care because of illness or disability? Had one of the kids exhibited criminal behavior? Those would certainly skew the distribution. If the local kid was providing significant caregiver services that were saving us the cost of assisted living or nursing home, I'd want to try to recognize that in the bequest. Otherwise, I think I'd keep it pretty even.

Our children will be provided for equally in our will. To do otherwise would, I think, forever engender resentments and make impossible a good relationship between them after our deaths.

The only things that would change this have been mentioned by Yogacat: if one child needed care because of disability, or if one child had a drug habit and couldn't manage money (even then, a trust can be set up with certain conditions that have to be met).

People have different personalities. Some are open and generous, others can be curmudgeons. But curmudgeons aren't necessarily bad people.

My grandfather was slighted in his parent's will, actually more than slighted. He never again spoke to the brother that was favored, even tho the brother, in his later years, wanted to reconnect with his only living family. The hurt for my grandfather ran too deep.

Wills can break up families and what you can end up leaving behind is alot of anger and resentment.

I only have one child, so it is a no brainer. However, I do have friends who have differing numbers of children, divorces, pre-nups, second wives, third wives, etc. Most of these people have family money. What I know for sure, is that alot of kids (I use that term loosely - as a I am referring to them as kids only in the respect that they would be the direct heir, if any) aren't inheriting squat unless there are well drafted pre-nups and there has been at least some, or at best, extensive estate planning, and that they haven't managed to behave too badly necessitating a trustee.

Being 50, I believe you should have your house in order just in case. Whether it is a regional thing or what, I think many here don't consider planning until they retire which is too late.

I will add that those who are in a situation of inequitable estate distribution, are not alone. Many people with money plan, but some can't face their mortality and do minimal planning which they amend two, three, four times over the years depending on who has the dunce hat on. Lets just say I have an extremely eccentric FIL who has really pulled some doozies over the years. When his estate is probated, it will be a hoot. Nobody has a clue ~ it will be made of up of what was on his mind at the time of his last visit with his estate attorney or, whomever has seen him last who was at all involved with his estate planning. Could be his masseuse will get the whole ball of wax.lol

His father before him planned during his long illness. Many hard feelings still exist 25 yrs. later as DH's siblings feel that their DF had a loose screw when he (FIL) refused everything (land holdings for sale, homes, golf course, along with the rest of the family $$) which went to his sister. The only thing FIL wanted was the four generation family business which his now-2nd-ex wife has walked away with clean and simple. To make the situation even more of an open sore, the ex has managed to completely ruin said business.

My own parents are a perfect example of what you are talking about. I do 98% of the necessary for my aging parents. DB and SIL do about 2% and that is being generous. My parents estate will be split evenly between my brother and I. Would I have it any other way? No, I have been blessed with the things in life (DH, DD & my four legged kids), and have many things that my brother does not. I have done what has come naturally to me and the time I've spent with my aging parents could never be measured on a monetary scale. I have benefited greatly from being there with them through their trials later in life.

I have vivid memories as does DD of "being there" for my parents as they age. As I did not return to work after DD's birth, I fell into a pattern of seeing/doing for my parents, as I was able and had time to do them. I didn't have to be accountable to a job outside of my home whilst raising her. I am glad DD had the opportunity to spend time with her grandparents through her entire life. My DF retired when DD was 4 mos old, DD is now 20. It is a good lesson in what it is to be accountable, and how much you are willing sacrifice of your free time when you step up with an offer of help with no expectation of personal gain. This may be a daughter dynamic, I just don't know. I know I do and he doesn't or can't, or just believes that I have it covered. Does that make me feel he is less entitled to an equal inheritance, not at all.

Me, if I had two, it would be a 50/50 split, probably because that is how I was raised. I brought them into the world, when I leave it, I would want to leave each child equally set up.

Interesting topic.

Do both siblings have children? Another option is to leave everything to the grandchildren. If they're young or if there is a possibility that another child may be born in the future you can put it in a trust that only pays out at a date in the future - it could be when the youngest hits a certain age.

Unless there is some other factor to consider as yoga and barb mentioned - I'd leave it equally.

When we updated our will our attorney said something that I remember - if you were to give all your assets to your children today - while you were still living - would you be comfortable living with that decision?

I have no children so I'll offer another perspective. I was not very loving to my parents in my 20's & 30's. I moved far away from home, seldom called or wrote, seldom visited--you get the picture. If my parents had made a will based on our behaviors back then, my DS would have deserved the majority of my parent's estate. She was a loving, attentive daughter. However, things change. DS and I are now in our 60's, and Mama at 95+ is at the end of her life. I'm the one who moved back home to care for her. I'm the one who handles the finances & medical issues, I'm the one who sees her almost every day. My life allowed me the freedom to do this for Mama, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. We've spent all of Mama's assets in her care, but if there had been assets left, DS & I would share equally as I feel we should. Sometimes circumstances change; sometimes people change; sometimes the prodigal son or daughter comes home.
Pat

I have three sons and would leave things divided evenly amongst them. I worry more about my DH's brother who isn't really financially secure and who we tend to help out on a casual basis. I wonder if we should provide something for him - but that's another topic!

Honestly, I've always been befuddled when families treat money as a way to punish/humiliate/reward one child over another yet one more time from their grave.

If you feel one child has done more, and you'd like to compensate them for their generous care then give them a gift before you die. Personally, I hope to help my children with any extraneous money I have when they need it, not have them hoping we kick the bucket soon so they can now start that business they want, etc.

One wealthy family I know set aside in a trust a large amount of money for each child. They received the interest each year in cash, and when they turned 40 they could take control of the money. The remaining funds the parents had which was considerable, would be donated to charity when they passed away. Everyone knew up front what they were getting and what they were going to inherit from the parents. I think that was sortof a fair way when you have a very large financial portfolio.

Have any of you ever BEEN the attentive, delightful and helpful daughter, with a sister who rarely seems to care about anyone else and is often in a snit not speaking to the family? It could change your perspective.

I no longer think a 50/50 split is always the best & fairest option just because there may be hard feelings or whatever... IMO if the current situation is serious enough and long term the resentment & hard feelings probably already exist.

"Being 50, I believe you should have your house in order just in case. Whether it is a regional thing or what, I think many here don't consider planning until they retire which is too late."

I just wanted to comment on that. I'm not 50 yet, but hubby and I have already worked these things out. PLEASE don't wait, especially if you have children. Personally, I think if you have children, a will and arrangements for those children should be made, no matter what age you are. Life can change in a moment. Make your wills, plans for children (if you have them), power of attorney and a medical power of attorney (name has changed but can't think what it's called now!). Very important legal documents to have, even if you are a young adult.

We don't have children, so this question doesn't really apply to us, but I have seen the same situation, very closely. I agree with the others that have posted to leave it equally. Don't leave behind a possible cause for problems. Even if there are already problems.

I agree completely with this "Sometimes circumstances change; sometimes people change; sometimes the prodigal son or daughter comes home." And really, it isn't all about the money - at least in my way of thinking. Actually, I am in the same boat with my grandmother (who has considerable assets) and the other grandchildren. The grandchildren are heirs to all assets other than her home and property. I was executor to my grandfather's estate and will be to my grandmother's. I am her POA and have acted in that capacity for several years, handling all financial and day to day living for her. My sister has her medical POA and we are the only ones who had to recently deal with the sorrow of placing her in an assisted living facility. My mother is ill and had been my grandmother's caregiver. She cannot do so any longer. We have a brother who lives out of town and bless is heart, is so very immature. He is all to pieces about the current situation(s), and very little help. There are two other grandchildren, one who stole from my grandmother after my grandfather's death, and another who has not seen her in over a year and maybe never again. On average, she has seen my grandparents twice at year at the most for the last 20 years or so. At my grandmother's death, they will be equal heirs to the other grandchildren. However, they have missed more than money could every buy in the relationship that my siblings and I have shared in with our grandparents.

tina

My mom is one of 5 siblings. One of her brothers spent his early decades chasing fun and getting into debt. He was always asking his parents for money and they often bailed him out, over and over. When they drew up their will, they had their estate divided 9 ways. After they died, each child received 2 portions except for the son who'd received so much money over the years -- he received one portion. It was explained ahead of time how & why things were split this way so that it wouldn't come as a surprise.

As for the situation Oceanna describes, I honestly don't know what I'd do. If it were me, I think I'd split it 50-50 but as Caroleoh suggests, give the attentive child more now, before the estate is split. That's easy to say, but a person can't just give away big chunks of $$$ while not knowing how much longer they might need that money. Maybe the inattentive child doesn't even want part of the estate.

This is a fascinating subject and I'm enjoying reading about everyone's experiences and suggestions.

That's really a tough one. I think the idea of a trust is a good one, however.

My story...my Greatgrandparents were very well to do. When my GGM passed away, her estate was divided between her 4 children, one of whom had passed away years earlier, but his share went to his 3 daughters. His wife received nothing. The remaining children were all well to do also. The big issue became the furnishings of the home, which ended up going to Sotheby's to auction. A giant grandfather clock was one of the few things kept as a family heirloom. It went to my Grandmother, because she was the one who had sons to carry on the family name.

My father, the eldest grandson, should have inherited the clock, but because he had moved to Oregon (the rest of the family remained in California) the clock went to his youngest brother...so it could be 'kept in the family where it could be enjoyed by all the cousins'. My father was extremely hurt because he was the only one of his siblings and cousins who had sons, thus the only ones who would carry on the family name. He'd been told since he was a child that clock would go to him one day.

When my Father died, my brother thought he'd eventually wind up with the clock, but it won't happen. It's firmly entrenched in my Uncles home. When my Grandmother passes away, her estate is to be divided between her surviving children and Dad's quarter goes to my brother, sister and I; our mom is not listed in the will. At one time Grammy told mom she'd get a part of Dad's share, but then Mom remarried and THAT is off the table completely. There was a lot of talk because one of my uncles sons never married or had children, so was it 'fair' that he got 1/4 of the estate? Really, who cares!

I need to change my will...thanks for the reminder. Mine was written when I was still a single (divorced) woman...my DH reminds me all the time that my sister will get guardianship of my kids when I die. (even though they're all adults now!) But I DO have my life insurance set up to pay out differently, equally between kids & DH. If I predecease my DH, he'll inherit and I guess my existing will, which sets out the 'specific' things I want to go to the kids will still stand.

The one thing I don't have is my stepson. We're estranged from him and he's not listed as a beneficiary of anything for DH or I. I think that until the time comes when he comes around and accepts us as parents who love him, we won't change that. Seems cruel, but it'd be more unfair to the kids who are part of our lives than to the kid who has kicked us out of his life.

I was the dutiful daughter. My mom split everything 5 ways and that was fine with me. I didn't do it for the money. Peace of mind was all the pay I needed. The sisters who weren't present and "didn't want to hear how mom was doing, didn't need to be there when she died BUT don't take anything out of the house before they get there" don't have peace of mind. I've heard that three of them feel very guilty.

I gave away my inheritance.

I'm the poster child for a loving daughter who did everything for my dad and got screwed.

I've worked for the family business for minimum wage from 11 until I was 28. I was always told by my dad that I would get the business since I was the only one that worked there. I gave up a career cutting hair because he couldn't afford help. I worked 6 to 7 days a week, no paid holidays or vacation; don't think I had health insurance either. My last full time check was $18,000 (7am-9pm).

Dad retires - who is there? Me, my 2 kids (although daughter was too little) & hub to move his stuff. My son has also gone up for the summer to help him with no pay. He's then diagnosed with cancer; we get him moved to his new house 7 blocks from me. He does a will - my 2 kids & I get the bulk of his 1/2 (wife did her own will) with my older sister getting 33%. Another sibling had not spoken to him in 10 years - he had not seen his grandson in that long either. She did not visit him when he was diagnosed & did not answer his calls or emails. He did the will to leave her & her son a certain amount which I did not agree with - felt nephew should get what my kids got & my dad was going to change it when family drama broke out.

Youngest got wind of what was left to her - wrote dad a nasty letter telling him he deserved to have cancer & that she would use the money she got to fight me in court because there was talk about my DNA; which a DNA test later confirmed I was his child. In the end; a week before he passed; they tricked him into writing a new will, taking my kids out & giving their share to her.

After he passed they tried to push me out of being a trustee & I eventually settled. By the time I was done paying the attorney, I didn't get much.

I don't care who has what will; if someone doesn't like what's in it; they will fight it. Had my dad done things different, like paid off my sons car while he was alive (was going to after his house sold) and giving us the possessions he wanted us to have; I may be able to stomach it more. My son who didn't do anything to anyone is the biggest victim here. My "mother" sold the tool box he was supposed to get. We couldn't even get reimbursed for money we put out to fix his old house; we spent months fixing it up. I asked my BIL to look at the roof while they were here; he couldn't be bothered.

The oldest did not need an inheritance; while the myself & the youngest did. It hurts that my retirement nest egg is gone because I worked hard for it. My father would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the outcome. Hopefully karma will even the score.

Share and share alike. No matter what their personalities are.

The one who isn't as attentitive seems like a very sensitive soul who could get their feelings hurt easily, so we have to accept that's the way God made them. I'm a firm believer in that which is why I forgive anyone who has hurt me.

It doesn't mean that child doesn't love you dearly. :)

What you need to do though is be specific in your home furnishings, that's the part which can become tricky.

Golddust, I agree; I also did not do things for the money; I did it because I loved my dad and he would do anything for me too. It's why I settled for so little. I very well could have stepped down as trustee & waited but I did not; I wanted it over; didn't want anything to do with any of them. The last time I saw them; they wanted the ashes I got (had them for 2 years at that point) because they said mine was the biggest - which was a lie. My dad got separated into 7 boxes; I took the last 3 after they picked theirs out.

They can't take away any of my memories nor can they take away that I was his favorite even though he knew I may not be his kid. I hope they enjoy the money that I worked so hard for. They both had high paying careers; but that was their choice verses a quality relationship & no money working for dad.

Individual items can be named in a will. My grandmother did that also. She has also given to me most items that were my great-grandmothers because I am the only ggc who knew her. She did give my sister a few things. Specific pieces of jewelry, silver service, furniture is all spelled out in the will. Doesn't need to be tricky.

Yes, there is always a chance someone will fight a will. Doesn't mean they will win though.

I am sorry to hear of hurtful issues here, it is evident some family members have been hurt. I'm sorry that anyone here has gone through that.

tina

roselvr, I think our siblings deserve each other! I was so sickened by the sibling drama that I couldn't keep my share. I gave it to my DD for a down payment on a house.

DH and I are the Trustees of my MIL's estate - which means I'll do most of the work. I plan to pull in my SIL to help and forego any of the Trustee entitlement $$. DH's siblings will be grateful and satisfied. MIL is 87 and going strong. She may outlive us all!

Our estate is to be divided equally but there is a few stipulations for the younger boys. I want them to be settled and more mature before they get money.

Hi Oceanna! Good to see you posting again even if you're (wisely) staying away from you-know-where.

I'm the dutiful daughter of the two children. I will be the executor -- I'm also the trustworthy one. Supposedly the monies lent to my brother are noted in the will. Otherwise everything will be 50-50. I don't really need the inheritance, but my brother does. I do foresee problems about expectations and speed of disposal of the house and other assets.

I don't resent the time I've spent taking care of my mother -- I want a clear conscience, and have the comfort that I have done what my late father would have wanted me to do.

Tina, even if items are left to someone; it doesn't mean they will get them :(

Gold - I told my dad to take my share & give it to the grand kids but he refused.

Absolutely agree with tina61. My reference marker of age 50 to set out your estate, was an "at the very latest". We actually started doing our wills when DD was born. Trusts, trustees, physical custody, education provisions and medical decisions were all spelled out plainly. Traveling often for business, medical needs of DD and just being prudent, motivated our decision to put our desires in writing. If you have children, you definitely need to do estate planning as soon after they are born as possible. Of course, we have amended our documents over the years, but our initial wills were drafted and signed when DD was born. DH and I were 30's at the time of her birth.

rilie - I am the attentive one. I make all arrangements for medical care for both of my parents as well as transport them to and fro. Errands, needs, wants, all are my gig.

My DB works hard and has little free time. However, he is also MIA when it comes to family occasions and holidays. He avoids it. Also, there have been no children born to the marriage. Seems as tho it may have a bit to do with his DW. She's an odd sort, very hard to get close to. I think everyone has a story, and her childhood may not have been a walk in the park. Her attitude toward family (her own) I think influences his decisions about being part of ours. I cannot blame her, he is an adult and should/would and perhaps does not get involved because he choses not to do so? Just figures I'll cover it, as that is the way it has always been.

I still believe my parents' estate should be equally divided.

WOW! I am overwhelmed by the huge number of very thoughtful and loving answers here. Thank you all! You've given me a lot to think about.

When my parents died things were rough. My older sister (the only rich one, and the only one with no kids) ripped off everything she could carry -- all the jewelry, china, linens, all the precious and beloved keepsakes. She even took all the family photos. I wish I had my high school senior picture and my childhood pictures to give my children. Oh well. She even took the family tree book my mother had worked so hard on for years. Mom had asked her to make copies for the rest of us, which she didn't do. She tried to make off with all the money too, but fortunately I saw that one coming and was able to stop her.

The aftermaths of deaths in the family can really be a huge emotional thing that causes lasting pain and resentment. My heart really goes out to those of you who were treated unfairly.

That's what I want to be is fair. It's hard to decide just what fair is at this point, but as several of you pointed out, things can change.

What is the typical payment for the child who is the executor of the estate?

Nancy, thanks for the warm welcome back! It's good to see you too. I looked in over there and I had to laugh because not one teensy little thing has changed a bit. Still the same people saying the same things. That certainly puts things in perspective and makes me know I made the right decision to spend my time on other things. I always enjoyed your posts there, btw.

I've not heard of someone being "paid" to be an executor. I, personally, would not want to be paid.

tina

Tina, sometimes estates are complicated. My Aunt and Uncle passed away and having no children, left their farm to their siblings. If the sibling had passed, that siblings share was to be divided between the siblings heirs. Sounds simple enough until you realize that there were 15 siblings, many of who had passed. Fifteen siblings can create a lot of heirs.

My dear Aunt deserved every penny of the 20% she received for tending to the estate. The farm was in a different state and she made the most money she could for every one of us.

My DH's cousin handled another childless relative's estate where every penny was going to the church. She deserved her percentage of the Estate. Being a Trustee is no picnic. It is exhausting work and records must be kept.

Tina, have you ever done that job? Having served as executrix on my parents' estate, I put in literally hundreds of hours and lots of miles on my car and other little expenses that ended up coming out of my own money -- not to mention a great deal of stress in dealing with difficult situations. This was NOT a fun job. Executors definitely deserve to be paid, and traditionally they are.

Even noting in the will whether you want certain furnishings, mementos, etc. to go to one person or to another won't ensure that happens.

There will always be someone who will say "Mom really wanted me to have this ring" or "these curio cabinets" and then if that person sees an opportunity, those things will somehow suddenly disappear.

The gall relatives have after a death just stuns me. Someone once said to me "Those material things won't bring back the person, so just let them go." It's not that easy--sometimes you want to keep those memories alive, and that can happen easier with that ring, that curio cabinet.

To the OP: This was a topic heavily debated over on the Garden Web "Kitchen Table" forum, if I recall correctly. It's been a while, so probably that posting's gone.
One poster's suggestion was to sit down with the "more giving/caring" child and tell him/her that you want to not create any further friction between the siblings (if there is any--or is it just with you parents?) so you are thinking of splitting the $$ 50-50, and how would he/she feel about that. (And adding, "I know you have done more. I am so thankful for that. And I wouldn't be surprised or hurt to hear you say that YOU would be hurt if I did a 50-50 split. So just be honest with me.")

It can cost a ton of money from the Executor's own pocket if they don't get a percentage.

My dad's executor had to travel to two counties in the state which are a couple of hundred miles apart, dealing with various real estate, us two kids who live in two different states. They literally execute the Will. The time and money can be enormous depending on the assets the deceased left.

My dad's best friend was his Executor, and I felt blessed that Bob took care of everything for my brother and myself.

Oceanna - if you read my first response to you, you will see where I stated I served as my grandfather's executor. I will also do so for my grandmother - and it is a sizeable estate. I am currently her POA and for the past several years have paid all bills, handled her investments, stocks, etc. household needs, yada, yada, yada. Yes, it is time consuming, but I do it out of love. It in no way compares to what my grandparents have done for me throughout the years. I will also serve as executor for my parents (oldest child, oldest grandchild). Again, I would want no payment. Reimbursement for expenses are one thing and the estate does that (if there is money of course). That is even written into their wills. So all i'm putting out is time and a little headache from time to time LOL. They live in the next city so I don't anticipate alot of mileage. I really cannot see any big expenses as executor.

Yes, Oakley, I know what an executor is and what they do, see my reply to Oceanna. My grandparents asked me to do this many years ago and I was honored and happy to do it for them. Same with my parents.

Goldy, I can understand your aunt being paid. That is a bit different in my eyes from a child or beneficiary handling things.

Maybe things are done different in different areas? I've not heard of an executor being paid. Reimbursed for expenses, but not profiting.

tina