Love my alone time. DH went to Atlantic City this past Friday n didn't
come home until the next evening. He stayed overnight. I stayed
at home n enjoyed it every much. Call had dinner deliver.watched a
movie . Alone time is great.

Gee, I thought I was the only one like this! I need my time. Hate it when I round the corner coming home after work and see that DH is already home.

My favorite time of day is my lunch hour because I almost always spend it alone - if one of my grown kids is at my house for some reason, I won't go home - I will get a sandwich and sit in my car at the park instead.

It's hunting season, so DH spends a lot of time away on the weekends this month and next. I tell him, "Gee, you are going to be gone overnight? *insert sad face here* But I will miss you!" While all the time I'm thinking, "yeah, miss you like a sore toe!"

sheilajoyce -- that's been my strategy for over 40 yrs! But I miss my daytime alone time since DH "got retired" in May and went on SS. I help our daughter take are of the babies about 30 hrs. a week, but when I am home, he's there jabbering about this that and the other thing. I stay up later than him, but miss that daytime alone time.

I love my alone time. Husband works at a golf course since he officially retired from the state years ago. He starts in April and will quit for the season next week. I hate the fact when I get up, he'll be here. Now he comes home at 3 every day. I dread the winter , but he does start work at a ski resort but it's only a few days a week.

I need my alone time but so does my husband so we make sure we both get some time away from each other most days. We try to give the other quiet and space in the morning because we both wake up slow.

This post was edited by jkayd_il5 on Thu, Nov 14, 13 at 14:37

lol, love these stories...shows that in a big world; we're all more the same than we know.

I love love love alone time. I usually have big plans to accomplish something and end up puttering around the house for hours doing little to nothing....love it! :)

I must add though that women that have lost their husbands, I'm sorry. You'd probably trade places with anyone of us. We're not making light of all the alone time you must have!

Some of these posts are funny! But alone time is really essential to everyone's well being. Even though I know that Robert and I are very compatible, we've actually talked about "alone time " when he retires in a very few years.

We're very much a 'peas and carrots ' kind of couple now and I love all of our time together, but I know that we will have to develop a well rounded lifestyle that provides that much needed time that we all need and benefit from.

We already know that he will be able to consult as much as he wants to, which will be so great for him. He's always very interested in my consulting, so much that he has asked to come along sometimes. NO WAY, DARLING! Lol

Bless you all for sharing your honest (and healthy) feelings. (((Hugs)))

Love it so much, and needed it so much, I haven't been on a date in five years now after 11 years of being married--for the third time. I love men! Fantastic past time. I am a flirt and could date any old time, I choose not to. I'm not even close to being ready. Nah. No thanks. But y'all enjoy it! My alone time is from my son. He's 14 and if you don't know (never had kids, forgotten what it's like), they have mouths on them. Right about now, they start really getting really sassy. ugh. My alone time is short and sweet every night for a half hour or so, after he's gone to bed, and before I drift off. Much needed, so that I am a better me, a better mom.

This thread made me laugh, remembering a time, shortly after I was married (eons ago), when my husband told me he would not be home until late. I came home from work, took a long bath, put my comfy robe on, and settled down to watch tv. . . and he walked in the door! I started sobbing. "What's wrong?" he asked. "You came home!", I said through the tears.

Being married was new to me, and even then I did need that alone time to recognize the 'old me', and know that she was still in there, even though I had moved on to the next stage in life.

My hubby and I work together, that's no problem for us though. I have Tuesday's off, he has Friday's off. Those used to be our alone times which we both enjoyed. A year ago we moved my mom in and so much for our alone time. We each take her to see her husband in the nursing home for a couple of hours. That usually turns into our alone time. Sometimes I really crave that alone time where there's no one asking me what I'm doing, telling me what I should do or suggesting what I should do. I'm generally a quiet person and not a big talker. Mom likes to talk.

Since I was worried about wall-to-wall togetherness, I viewed the prospect of retirement with some misgivings. So far, it has worked out remarkably well. I get some alone time by doing volunteer work, reading and gardening. My poor husband is probably just as glad that I do. He retired 4 years ago and had to get used to having me around every day too.

It has been fun and insightful to read your responses. I am surprised to find that so many of us need space.

Everyone needs some time to decompress; some need more and some need less. IME it is a troubled person who can't be alone, enjoying his or her own company.

I had a roommate who couldn't tolerate silence. She had the radio on constantly -- sometimes a record and the TV too!. I think of her when I see young people always listening to some 'beat' on their earbuds or texting inane non-events to one another. Can they be decompressing? I doubt it.

DH and I were both only children. We were raised with a lot of 'alone' time.

Silence is golden if it is your *choice*.

I love alone time. I do feel sorry for those who have lost their spouses. It would be very hard for me, knowing I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. But, being alone is sort of my preference when it comes to just doing "my things". I don't mine going out to eat or anywhere else alone. I like being home alone....doing what I want. I have so much to do, I am never bored. I was not an only child, but my sibs were grown when I was born, and I grew up in a very quiet house. I love quiet. I need alone time....just so I can breathe and relax.

Lots of people need and love their alone time. I do. But that doesn't need to mean a dislike of together time, does it?

I'm really stunned by words in this thread like hate and dread, and especially the stories about not going home when a family member is there or to "hate it" to see her husband is home ahead of her.

It makes me wonder why some of you stay married. Wouldn't a divorce remove these negative feelings from your life?

Even though I have a new man in my life and am spending a lot of time with him, I too still love and need my alone time. It's a relief after four days of togetherness (usually Thursday through Sunday) to have three whole days to myself.

DH is in Construction Management and travels constantly. Sometimes the projects last 6 mos. but most of them last much longer. He comes home at least every 2-3 months or I fly to where he is. I stay at home and take care of the Beefalos, dogs, and cats.

Several years ago before we reached retirement age, we built DH a 40'x40' shop so that he had his own place to enjoy his quite time or to go out and work on things if he wanted to. I have a greenhouse to go to. We agreed that we could not spend all of our time together in one building or we would become blithering idiots. Both our adult sons live on our property in their own homes which are far enough away that I don't walk out our back door and run into their front door. They are always welcome at the house, but they know not to plan on hanging out there. I answer the phone for our plumbing company which our youngest son runs, and do spend at least 1 day a week doing things with a friend who lives down the road from us.

I feel sadness for those who have lost their spouse and have had to adjust to having alone time they did not desire.

I understand what you are saying but rarely feel like that myself. My husband is getting something fixed on the car right now...and I miss him...it's ridiculous I know...we are 66 and he's always had jobs where his time was pretty flexible, great for when the kids were young and had to go to the doctor, or I was sick and needed him home. Our own daughter wonders how we don't get tired of being around each other, we go shopping together, go with each other to Drs or dentists appts....most everything. When we are home I'm usually on the computer if I'm not interested in what's on TV, in another room, but we can still call out to each other....even today he asked if I wanted to come along....if I'm bored with car repair he would drop me off somewhere else until it's done....a lot of togetherness works for some people. If I wanted to go off by myself he would understand, he wants me to be happy....I'm lucky...been married 43 years, known each other 51 years. I wonder if anyone is like us?

I'm remembering a TV commercial -- think it was Kohler -- where a husband and wife raced to get home first, to get into a wonderful spa shower. Each was looking forward to that relaxing 'alone time'.

snidely -- Nobody said they didn't love a spouse. But most couples are happier as two separate individuals, not joined at the hip 24/7, enmeshed.

We've seen the older couple at the restaurant who eat in total silence. Neither has been anywhere or done anything individually for so long that there's nothing new to discuss.

My DH is at a two-hour lecture this afternoon. He'll be gone about three hours. I'm *alone*, but not *lonely*, and I'm looking forward to hearing about his day when he gets home. I can't be happy to see him again if he's always HERE.

juellie1962 - "I love love love alone time. I usually have big plans to accomplish something and end up puttering around the house for hours doing little to nothing....love it! :)"

Exactly!

snidely- I don't have negative feelings toward my DH at all. But for some of us, when you are counting on a certain time frame or number of hours for alone time and someone disrupts that - it is not always (or ever) a pleasant surprise to have that alone time disturbed. For me, I may not be finished needing my alone time, I may not have finished re-energizing, I may not be finished thinking my thoughts, I may not be ready for talking and interacting with people.

My DH and my kids are necessary to me but alone time is vital to me as a person so that I am a better wife and mom. I can't always be "on".

I also stayed up late when the kids were little for my alone time. I would complain about being tired and DH would chide me for staying up late and I would tell him it's the only time of day I have to myself.

I could never be a "joined at the hip" couple.....gosh, I've even heard of couples where one won't go to bed unless the other one goes too, even if one is exhausted and the other is not. We were both pretty independent when we met and have our own interests and like doing our own thing. It's a happy balance...alone time and together time.

I very much enjoy my own company. I have one day a week totally to myself, and would not mind more. Also I am an early riser, usually before 5 am, hubs wakes around 8, so those wee hours in the morning are very precious to me.
We own out own business, so spend 5 days a week togather all day long, then on Sundays we are togather.
So my one day off alone(he goes to work 6 days a week), and my mornings are my alone time..

NO Snidely it doesn't mean a divorce would be the answer. When we were first married my DH was doing a mail route at night. Then he had a job where he was out of town a lot. Then he got a job trucking so he was out of town even more. I think that is the reason we have been married for almost 40 years. I like the time I am with him too, but I still like my alone time. Maybe more married couples these days should have some alone time then there wouldn't be such a high divorce rate.

We have been married 35 years. I've not been able to work for the past 5 years because of health problems, and he lost his job 2 years ago because of the recession. That makes us unexpectedly "retired".

I've heard it said that retirement is "half the income and twice the husband".
That's certainly true for me.

No, divorce isn't the answer, Snidely. I never said I didn't want to see DH - I said I hated it when I come home and he was already here which means I didn't get my alone time. I really NEED that after work - 30 minutes would do it. Then I'd be happy to see him.

Same thing on my lunch hour. I need down time in the middle of my work day. Quiet time. No talking. No turning on the TV. No one sitting in my favorite chair or eating the leftovers I was going to eat.

Mmmmmm .. . . maybe what I really need is to retire. :)

I have the best of both worlds.. We have two homes. Hubby goes south a lot during this time of the year. I'll go the weekend after Thanksgiving. Here he has his own space in his newly built barn. He has cable tv, heat and cool when needed and a lazy boy chair for his naps. All the tools he could ever ask for. Even a frig all stocked with whatever he wants.. Here in the house I can do what I want.. I must say retirement is good!!

Snidely-My heart still skips a beat when I hear Prince Charming drive up or walk in the door. With his Navy career I got used to being alone for months at a time. It was difficult to have alone time when you have small children, sometimes I felt like a lab rat being studied every second of the day.But as a full time parent I had to put aside my alone time for the sake of my kids.I knew that when PC's sub pulled into port I had my alone time back. He was/is a very involved parent & missed the kids like crazy (he missed me too) but he would take the kids and spend the day with them going to the zoo, bowling or whatever leaving me alone to get re-charged.

Now that we have moved he has a man cave that he can escape to. His computer is up there and he can play games for hours. I have my little corner of the garage where my laptop stays, and I can smoke. I am looking forward to his retirement, but that is several years away. He is only 44.

I thought I was the only one who loved being alone. I would rather not be alone at night but I love it during the day. I always have. Maybe it is because I was an only child and could always go to my room and be alone.

I am my own best friend. I am never bored. I have plenty of solitary activities I enjoy. As it turned out, hubby has a chronic illness (multiple sclerosis) and can't get out of bed. I have to do things without him.

Wouldn't it be possible for you folks to have a place in the house for your "alone time" when the other was there, and indicate that the space was off limits at that time by hanging a note or other indicator on the door of that/those rooms(s)?

Would that put your loved one's nose so badly out of joint that the situation would be worse than now?

And if you get tired of hearing the chatter when the significant other is present, could you indicate that you wanted some quiet space by something like putting your hand up, facing toward him, like the traffic policeperson does to stop the flow of traffic, before letting the cars from the other street move?

Or, if that seems like too much of a roadblock, how about something like putting your hands over both ears, or something, to indicate that you'd like some time to cogitate, or meditate, or think your own thoughts ... or just do whatever?

Isn't that part of having the give-and-take needed if a couple is to operate in a way where each feels respected and highly prized, regarded, and otherwise cherished?

ole joyful

I'm another one who likes to stay up late, alone. DH is retired, I'm not. While we enjoy doing a lot of things together, we both need our alone time.
I have a friend whose husband works at home, and she is at home all the time too. Their house is very small, and she can't drive. It drives her crazy that he is always there. She says she lives in her bedroom. She makes it sound like a prison. I feel sorry for her.

My husband and I dropped our 11 year old off at a church activity and then went out for dinner. On our way back to the church I told him I was so glad that he and our daughter were leaving the next day for a three day school trip and from there he would leave for another four days for business. I told him I was looking forward to some down time- - no meals to cook etc. He seemed a bit hurt until I pointed out to him that he also enjoyed it when I went to visit my sister out of state. He agreed and said he loved to turn on the music as loud as he wanted and eat junk for dinner! The next day while on the school trip he died suddenly of a heart attack. This was 12 years ago. I miss him every day and wish I could take those words back. Satine

satine: I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you had a wonderful marriage - the kind where you could be honest with one another, the kind where you could appreciate your differences and the kind where despite your differences you also enjoyed being together. You were able to say those words because of your confidence in your love for one another. There are many who would envy you. He is lucky to be missed.

There seems to be a bit of a misconception about those of us who need our alone time. Holding my hand up in front of my face to my husband?! You have got to be kidding. That is unforgivably rude.

I am an introvert ( and that is very different from being shy) and my husband is an extrovert. He is at a hockey game tonight with some friends being re-energized by the energy of his socializing. I am being re-energized by being at home by myself with my all important downtime. For those of you who don't understand the importance of alone time for some people, it is important that you not be critical of it. The beauty of human beings is that we are all different.

I love being with my husband and we both enjoy doing things together, I hate alone time when he's at work! Very lonely even with a dog that constantly wants to be doing something with me. I enjoy alone time for a tiny bit just so I can get some work done around the house and go to the store etc. I don't understand hating to have your husbands around, they must not be very nice people.

Susie53 - your life sounds pretty perfect!! :) You are one blessed lady! Hope you get to enjoy it for a long, long time!

Snidely - do you live in Wisconsin?? Cause I think I know you.............

No, my husband is a very nice person and I would be lost without him but I just like some alone time. I don't think we should have to justify needing, not wanting, alone time. I know it helps keep me calm and rested to not have constant togetherness. I would feel this way with anyone but just my husband.

I don't think it's a matter of "hating" to have our husbands around; it's just wanting some time to ourselves. There is nothing abnormal about that at all. My dh and I are separate people. We're married, yes, but that doesn't mean we should be together 24/7. I like the opportunity to think my own thoughts, to read a book without interruption. Things like that.

I've known people who were very young when they got married - almost right out of high school. They never lived alone, never learned to enjoy the quietness of their own minds. They also want to be with their husbands constantly. Perhaps that describes you, Arkansasgirl, and Snidely? I was older when I got married, so I learned to enjoy my own company, to enjoy time to myself...I don't know if I'm overgeneralizing the situation? :-P

juellie - I'm in California.

When I was single and unattached I had plenty of alone time and independence. How I spent my time and who I spent it with was entirely my choice. Getting married meant giving up much of that. Taking a demanding job meant sacrificing more of myself. Having children meant having only a hour or two for myself most weeks, at best.

I wouldn't change a bit of it, one needs to adapt to new realities as things evolve. My life was enriched by it all. Sorry to say, I think some of you are rather "me"-focused.

Ladies, I hope you understand that many men take jobs that require out of town travel because of the freedom it affords. Many of your husbands didn't spent their away evenings sipping hot chocolate and watching movies.

arkansas_girl: I understand what you mean when you say that when you are alone you are also lonely for your husband. Now, what you need to understand is that when I am alone I am never lonely. I am glad to see my husband and sons when they come home. I am glad to see them and chat with them and spend lots of time with them.

What is also important for you to know is that I NEED alone time- as jkayd mentioned. This isn't selfish wanting, this isn't selfish me-time, I don't hate my husband and he is the nicest of all men. I'm not watching movies or sipping hot chocolate. I might be reading but I'm probably puttering about the house, alone with my thoughts and just decompressing.

I've attached a little blurb about introverts (and don't confuse this with being shy or depressed - because it's neither of those things). I love socializing as much as the next person, I love being with people and family and my husband as much as the next person, however we just *need* more alone time than most others to rest and re-energize. It's the way our personality works, it;s the way our mind works. For those of you who are not introverts you will probably never understand it. For those of you who are, you will get it.

When I discovered the study of introverts/extroverts a few years ago I was like HA-HA - there is nothing wrong with me. Even though many of you here think there is and in a most critical way. I accept that you don't need alone time, please accept the fact that I do. There are more of us out there than you think but you only see us in social situations. You don't see us sneaking back to our homes and not answering our phones. We need the quiet, alone time to find our center.

There is a book by Susan Cain called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that can"t Stop Talking" The title says it all.

Anyway, read as much or as little or none of it as you wish.

Here is a link that might be useful: introverts and alone time

I don't think wanting/needing time to yourself is being selfish. To the contrary - time to myself means I'm able to recharge and energize myself for time with my dh. He benefits when I have alone time. At the same time, I am flexible with my alone time. I may have planned for a quiet afternoon by myself, but if dh comes home unexpectedly, that's great.

Sure - when I got married after decades of being single, I enjoyed at last sharing a home with someone! It's been great! And yes, I've adapted. But that doesn't change decades of enjoying an afternoon to myself, or an hour by myself in the library. I still enjoy my own company!

I agree with the idea that extroverts seem to have a hard time accepting introverts. But hey - we're normal, loving people even though we aren't like you (extroverts). How about a little acceptance? ;-)

I am a very social person..my husband is not..2 of my 3 boys are as well, the middle one like his father.

My husband decompresses on Sunday nights..after we all go to bed..
Sometimes he takes a day off..and has a mental health day while were are at work/school.

He really needs it..

I like the quiet of my own space too.. But I don't need it near as much as he does...I can be found in my garden...in my room on the bike with the door shut...in the kitchen baking...Saturday mornings on non sport days..I'll be up for an hour alone..sipping coffee..I enjoy those moments...but they are not necessary to my existence.

I think the "hate" being thrown out here is more disappointment not disgust or distaste.

And quite frankly those that are saying "how dare" you feel that way..
It's not your choice to make...their decisions do not affect you at all.

And they are not being selfish..they are breathing.

If you are one that requires others around you, with you, next to you..if you breathe deeply in that space..then you will never understand those that can't.

It is unhealthy to be unable to be alone.

Everyone is different...do whatever floats your boat. As long as both parties are OK with that sort of living arrangement then it's what works for you and your marriage. This is actually an very important thing to consider when finding a mate/life partner....you need to both be on the same page with this...if one person loves alone time and the other hates alone time...the marriage will not work or will have a lot of problems. Luckily, my husband and I are very similar in our personalities.

Forget the introvert/extrovert stuff.arkansas_girl and get this. There is a difference in having alone time and having too much time together. I am a better wife & mother if I get alone time and so is my Prince Charming. We got married to spend the rest of our lives together, we weren't joined at the hip! His tastes are not necessarily my tastes. I enjoy the cooking channels & he enjoys the science fiction station.I enjoy cooking and so does he, and most nights we cook dinner together. I get up at 3am usually to talk uninterrupted with my best friend in NE. It seems like the only time we can talk without someone bothering us, At 5am I start breakfast for PC & I make his lunch. During the week he is served breakfast in bed!! We eat breakfast together every morning and catch up on the news. When he comes home we catch up on eachother's day. Then if we fill the need to be alone he goes to his man cave and I hit the garage for a couple of hours especially if h has had a hectic day at work. He needs to play his computer games and kill aliens and I need to play on the computer or watch tv, But come bed time we reunite and we always kiss eachother goodnight..If I go to bed earlier than he does he "tucks" me in....What we have works for us, since we have been married for 23.5 years...

That's what I just said Laura and I don't know why you got all bent out of shape...I just said that everyone is different and whatever works for you is what works for you. I was not the one that mentioned the introvert/extrovert idea either. I am an introvert just as an FYI.

BTW, I am what I am and I've always been this way for as long as I can remember. It's what makes me ME so I guess being ME is quite unhealthy then...so whatever....

This post was edited by arkansas_girl on Sun, Nov 17, 13 at 10:01

My dh could never understand why I didn't go to bed as soon as the kiddies were down and I was exhausted, and I never could make him see it. I think he would be perfectly happy with my company (and certainly our dds!) at all times, probably because he grew up in a very large family. I cannot think straight if I don't have some daily time to myself, most of the time. It is no big deal, and it seems that a few here misinterpret this difference in personalities.

Maxmom, you made me laugh out loud!! I would have had the same feeling.

"I'm *alone*, but not *lonely*, and I'm looking forward to hearing about his day when he gets home. I can't be happy to see him again if he's always HERE."

Lol! I guess this is such a common issue that someone wrote a song about it! Has anyone ever heard it? Its quite catchy! ;)

Dan Hicks - How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away

"I've talked to your mother and I've talked to your dadâ¨
They say they've tried but it's all in vain â¨
I've begged and I've pleaded, I even got madâ¨
Now we must face it, you give me a pain.

How can I miss you when you won't go away?â¨
Keep telling you day after dayâ¨
But you won't listen, you always stay and stayâ¨
How can I miss you when you won't go away?

Your never ending presence really cramps my styleâ¨
I dream that it won't always be the sameâ¨
At first I was attracted but after a while
â¨Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?

â¨â¨How can I miss you when you won't go away?â¨
I keep telling you day after dayâ¨
But you won't listen, you always stay and stayâ¨
How can I miss you when you won't go away?â¨
And I mean it, tooâ¨â¨

Out of three billion people, why must it be me?â¨
Oh, why, oh, why won't you cut me loose?â¨
Just do me a favor and listen to my pleaâ¨
I'm not the only chicken on the roostâ¨â¨

How can I miss you when you won't go away?â¨
I keep telling you day after dayâ¨
But you won't listen, you always stay and stayâ¨
How can I miss you when you won't go away?"

Links that might be useful:

www.songlyrics.com/dan-hicks/how-can-i-miss-you-when-you-won-t-go-away-lyrics/#eIvHhRTh805w5KY7.99

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW9-FOLG-iA

Sorry if I offended some of you with the suggestion that one hold up one's hand to notify a spouse to desist for a while. All that I meant was that it would be well to agree on some signal, whether an action or a word, and perhaps an action would be preferable, to indicate that one found the talking somewhat too much, at that point, and is requesting that the partner allow her/him some time to think his/her own thoughts for a while?

Such action would be best if jointly arranged and agreed upon, it seems to me.

ole joyful

I sometimes get too much alone time. DH works a lot of hours & always has. Even when he's home he's often working. He travels sometimes too - usually anywhere from 2 - 7 days, but his travel is sporadic. It's unusual for him to be home before 7pm. I usually have plenty of alone time.

I just saw this and think it explains us introverts so well, and clearly shows the need for alone time.

Here is a link that might be useful: Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introverted