New here and have a simular poblem as almoststepmom

15 years ago

I posted this below but noticed that the last post was in Sept 07......I really would like some advice on this so I'm posting in it's own thread

I am going thru same situation as almoststepmom with a couple of differences. I love my 9 year old SD very much we talk a lot when she comes over every weekend as well as do things together, when her father is not around. She enjoys spending time with me when her father is not around, but when he is, she doesnt want nothing to do with me she is all over him. My DH also has a 15 year old daughter who I've only seen maybe 6 times in 1 Â½ years. I have three children myself DD 5yo, DS 8yo, and DS 13yo, I also just had a DS with my DH 2 1/2 months ago. My DH and BM divorced 2 1/2 years ago and she moved another woman into her house. My 9yo SD is very clingy with her dad when we are all together and has to be touching him the whole time sheÂs here. For example, holding his hand, hugging him, sitting on his lap, being carried by him....ect....This doesn't bother me since I think a father/daughter relationship should be close since I lost my father to death at the age of 7. But lately SD has been acting in a way I think is inappropriate for a nine year old. Last weekend she wanted to put make-up on and dress scrimpy (mini skirt and tank top that belonged to my 5yo DD). And then just the other night she sent DH a picture of her getting out of the shower. I take this as a sign that she is trying to make her father love her in a different way . Almost like, to make her father see her as attractive. He said it was fine because she had a towel on. I donÂt agree I said it is not CUTE anymore. It might have stemmed from a comment he made to ME a few weeks back. I had just got out of the shower and was dressed and made up and he came to me and held me from behind and told me how beautiful I looked and he kissed me on my neck. As soon as he let go of me she ran and leaped into his arms and wrapped her legs around him. SD is not a small build she is 4Â 5" and 85 lbs. I am old school, no make-up till 13, dress appropriately and basically live like a 9yo not a 35 yo. I do tell DH my concerns when we are alone but he thinks its because she only sees him on weekends and that I am jealous. ThatÂs where my story is different. He encourages this behavior. He even talks to her like a baby most of the time. I try to tell him that at 9 years old she should be a little more independent. She should not be carried like a baby, not be talked to like a 3 year old and not be catered to the whole time sheÂs here. He doesnÂt agree. I think, he thinks she wonÂt want to come back if he alienates her in the slightest way. This wouldnÂt upset me as much as it does, if DH wouldnÂt alienate my children and I the whole time she is around, itÂs like we donÂt even exist and sometimes acts like we are a burden to him. He is very strict with my children (not physically) discipline wise, but he is very blind to what his daughter does. He says he doesnÂt see it. I think he doesnÂt WANT to see it so he doesnÂt have to yell at her because he might upset her. For instance, if one of my children want to hug me or sit on my lap while we are together he immediately pushes them away and says "Back OFF!" Like I said my relationship with my SD is wonderful she gets along with my children and I very well. ItÂs the relationship I have with DH when she is around and in addition to her actions that bothers me. I must add that he calls her every night to talk to her and bought her a cell phone so she can call him at anytime. She also stays extra with us when she doesnÂt have school. As for spending time alone, my children arenÂt around every other weekend and I usually leave them alone so they can have alone time. IÂm afraid this situation is going to ruin OUR relationship if he doesnÂt change HIS ways and he tries to change HER ways. It is a shame, since we have a newborn together. I havenÂt approached SD about this but I think I will now since she has produced different actions that are inappropriate. I donÂt have the problem of sleeping arrangements but I do have the problem of stomach aches and head aches when DH and I are conversing or doing something together. These actions have been going on since we met 1 Â½ years ago. It was real bad in the first year where she wouldnÂt even talk to me, since then we have grown to get along but she is still overly attached to her father. I have learned a lot from these posts already and I hope to learn more after you all read mine. IÂm just glad IÂm not the only one going thru this because IÂm tired of being called JEALOUS. And that a 9 year old can be held accountable for her actions and that I shouldn't just leave them alone and let them have there relationship. DH and I also need a relationship she needs to except his feelings for me as well as I need to except his feelings for her or the relationship will fail and for my newborn's sake I will not let it fail do to a 9 year old who can't stop acting like she is the only one in his life and him acting like she is the only one in his life. Life is full of hardships and things we don't understand but that is life, you learn to get past these obstacles from birth thru adulthood. Please comment/question on this as I would love to hear responses whether they are possitive or negative I'm here for guidance and support.

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Comments (9)

gigglemonster
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi momof6,

It sounds very confusing and with a new baby to boot! Congrats.

A couple things stuck out to me throughout your post that indicates that this is a DH problem, not a SD problem.

"And that a 9 year old can be held accountable for her actions and that I shouldn't just leave them alone and let them have there relationship"

I'm not sure that it is appropriate to hold SD accountable for actions her father approves. It would seem to me that this is the cause of conflict for you, you disagree with his parenting not really SD.

"I havent approached SD about this but I think I will now since she has produced different actions that are inappropriate."

I'm sure there will be much debate about this, but if DH does not consider it inappropriate but you decide to approach SD about it -- it does not signal a united front to the child. You will have shown cracks in the sidewalk. You have also stated that you do have a good relationship with SD when DH isn't around, I think this may interfere with that.

Personally, I'd be very concerned about this. It is not fair to your children and not fair to SD. The trick is getting you and DH on the same page. Perhaps taking a parenting class would help DH.
ashley1979
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Here is what I put on the other post:

I know I will take a bunch of heat for this, but I don't want you to feel alone. I have dealt with a very similar situation with my FSD.

I grew up with lots and lots of boundaries put in place. I had a close relationship with my father, and do to this day. It has never been inappropriate or less than functional. I credit those boundaries for that. I have no "daddy" issues that I need to work out through my relationships with other men or my son. I feel as though I had a well-rounded influence from both of my parents and I have always wanted that for both my DS and FSD.

I had a HUGE adjustment to make when I found out all people don't have boundaries like mine. When I started dating BF, I felt that he was a little "too close" with FSD. I figured that was because of the divorce and he was trying to help her feel secure. But it just kept getting worse as the years went on. It was to the point that if, for whatever reason, I wasn't home at night, he would let her sleep in our bed. Now we're not talking about a small child. She was almost 8 when we met and this continued for a few years. A few times she would intentionally walk in on me naked. I knew it was intentional because she would have to go through 2 sets of doors to get to where I was getting dressed. There were definitely other issues. One day, she left her backpack at our home. BF took the backpack to her house early that morning before she left for school. He rang the doorbell and FSD answered the door stark naked. First of all, why is SF allowed to see her naked? Second, why would she ever think she could answer the door to her own father naked? There were definitely boundary issues. That was his fault. He never actually talked to her about what proper father-daughter relationship should be. He never explained his and mine relationship. I feel as though she thought she and I were loving her dad in the same way. I tried talking to him, but it did no good. I e-mailed him articles and stuff. Those helped a lot, but it was still weird.

But, as Serenity said, my suggestion is treat each boundary issue differently. Dont lump them all together. Maybe start with the sleeping issue. Both of you can talk to her in a loving and concerned way, but also be plain and clear. Then maybe go into a modesty issue (re the towel). Tell her that's she's getting boobies now and blah, blah, blah. Let her know that there IS a difference between your relationship with her dad and hers. Once she learns that, she'll understand. Plus, when she gets her period, I doubt she'll want dad to have anything to do with her. LOL!
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finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
open the door for her dad completely naked? ouch. and sleeps with dad in the same bed? ouch. com'n, people, is this for real? where are moms of all these girls? what are they teaching their daughters?
ashley1979
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think that in my FSD's case, they weren't seeing her as growing up. They were seeing her as a "little girl".

Then BM talked to her and told her that she was too old to kiss daddy on the mouth. So she stopped that, but when we had her on the weekends, and her SF was working at night, she would make FSD feel guilty because she had to sleep in the bed alone. To me, that is just as unhealthy as sleeping with her dad. That even goes on to this day! They call it "girls night".
theotherside
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"open the door for her dad completely naked?"

I'd be more worried about what could happen if it weren't her dad. What if it were the FedEx guy? Or what if the neighbor across the street happened to open his door at the same time?
justnotmartha
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"open the door for her dad completely naked? ouch. and sleeps with dad in the same bed? ouch. com'n, people, is this for real? where are moms of all these girls? what are they teaching their daughters?"

FD - I wondered the same thing. Is no one teaching safety these days, much less a littel modesty? TOS is right - what if it wasn't dear ol' dad? I think it's great to be comfortable with one's body, but this kinda scares me . . .
ashley1979
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Not to mention what if my 5 or 6 y/o DS was with BF when he did it? He would've seen her naked and I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be healthy.

One of BF's main concerns was SF seeing FSD naked all the time. First of all.....it's not his child and it's a female child at that. Second of all.......no offense to any SFs on here, but how many news stories do you see every day or week about a SF doing something bad to a SD? Honestly. Sometimes people don't make the wisest decisions on the SOs (we've all mentioned that). They had only been married a little over 2 years and knew eachother for about 2-1/2 years. What if he wasn't the wonderful guy she thought he was? Does it take something bad to happen to her daughter for her to not give him an all-access pass to her pre-teen and now teenage daughter? FSD wouldn't even let me go into a dressing room to help her try on shirts, yet she runs arouond naked in front of another man?
organic_maria
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi momof6,
This behaviour is normal from your SD. She needs to be reassured by her father that he loves her but he also needs to start telling her what is inappropriate. She just copied the situation in her way with the bathroom scene cause she felt threatened.
I went through the exact same reactions with my SD 6 years ago when she was only 6 1/2 . She was 5 when her parents divorced. They were separated when she was 4. So its normal behaviour.
My sd would hold his hands and make sure she would separate us down the street or on the couch but my DH put a stop to this. He would place us on either side with him in the middle. She would protest and he held his ground. He would have constant pep talks to reassure her that he loves us both but in a different manner. Marrying me and having a child with me would not take him away from her. (it didn't help that biomom would keep telling her that she isnow losing her dad and that he wont want her after my son was born, well that backfired in her face and only made biomom show her true colors)
Hang in there. Be patient. THis behaviour does subside after a few months . once you SD finally feels sheis secure in the nitch of your new family these little things wont occur.
But your husband must speak to her about the shower thing. I know what she was doing but it didn't come out right and she is too young to realize what that signafied. Your DH must have many talks with her and tell her the shower thing was inappropriate between a father and daughter. That he loves her very much and that loving his new wife will never take his love away from his daughter.
I'm also old fashioned and this towel thing shouldn't be blown off by dad. Tell him to be her father and she has to respect herself not to show herself in skimpy stuff. She's only 9!
chrisb123
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sounds like dh is scared of losing this daughter too, but he's letting it get out of hand. He isn't taking your word for it that boundrys need to be in place so go out and buy the book: "Emotional Incest," place it on the coffee table and let him see it. Hopefully it will turn him off so much, he will see your point. I do NOT see this as normal behavior for a child that age. Not at all.

New here and have a simular poblem as almoststepmom

Comments (9)

gigglemonster

ashley1979

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