Disrepsectful teenager and ADD - need advice

15 years ago

I have just become a member in search of some advice. I am the Significant Other of a divorced, full-time Dad (BD) with a disrespectful teenager. WoW! Does that surprise most adults these days? The problem is that it is getting worse and it tears me to pcs to see the two of them struggle in their own battles. The BM does not want anything to do with the child except to see him on Bdays or Christmas and often cancels on promised dates. Yes, there is resentment from the child because his mother walked out of the family for another man 7 yrs ago, when he was 11. The BD has struggled with the teen's behavior for many years and we are all at a roadblock as to how to get our new family on a happy note again.

The child/teenager is turning 18 next month and thinks that he knows better than ANY adult (BD, BM, Me, teachers, even the police). He has ADD and is on meds that are working pretty well but he has started having extreme outburst and disrespect for any adult because he now sees himself as an adult but does not act like one.

BD and son have been to counseling but the son won't talk to the counselor (who specializes in ADD children). But the BD continues to go and is learning "coping skills". The son has failed 2 yrs in school and only by our helping him with summer school (and I mean constantly sitting with him and reviewing his work) did he pass this year. He is a Jr in HS and still doesn't have a Driver's License because he won't take the time to read and understand the driving manual. BD is able and ready to purchase a car anytime that he is legally ready to drive AND responsible enough to do so.

BD is very loving to his son, and to me as well, and looks to me for advice. I have never had children and often am at a loss of how to help other than be there to listen to the both of them.

Unfortunately, the son consistently lies about his grades and when this comes to light through IEP meetings, progress reports, report cards, etc. he becomes very defensive and always has excuses of why it is someone else's fault. He even allowed another student to change his report card last year so that he could attend a special event. Only after a very embarrassing IEP meeting did the BD find out about this and went straight to the professional counselor for help. His advice was to let the child suffer his own consequences.

He has been smoking behind our backs and lying about that too. He has been caught drinking as well. He won't adhere to timelines either. Basically, he will not take responsibility for his actions.

Finally, there was a huge "blow-up" and the son decided he wanted to go to counseling again....that lasted one session because he doesn't want to listen to the advice from the Dr.

If I am around, I can usually smooth the situation between the two but we are not getting to the root of the problem. The child/teenager/adult is irresponsible in many ways and must be constantly reminded to do routine chores that he had always been responsible for (take out trash and feed the pets, etc) and becomes resentful when reminded. We have offered our real world experiences from work and families as examples of how he can improve the situations instead of making them worse but he is stubborn and we are stupid. BD has worked with him over the years on accountability and talked with him in non-confrontational situations asking his son for input and agreement to how they should work together to accomplish these things and the son agrees, makes a plan, but doesn't follow through.

We are afraid to leave him alone because he doesn't know how to say no to bad influences, nor can he manage simple tasks or decisions. This has taken a toll on the relationship between BD and myself. We include him in just about everything we do (or offer to), but we need some alone time as well.

We have empowered him to make choices and reward or punish based upon his behavior but if punishment is issued, he becomes disrespectful and arrogant which leads to additional stress and anger between all of us.

We are worried that he is never going to able to manage his own life. He is in a terrific Martial Arts program, but doesn't apply himself there either. He has never had a job, but we feel that school is his #1 priority, then MA and contributions to the household chores and then fun-time.

Over the years BD has spent lots of $$$ on private tutors but the son ends up manipulating his tutors into coddling him and he doesn't put forth the effort to learn.

He has plenty of time with his BD and BD tries to do fun things with his son as bonding time (dirt biking, boating, pool time, etc) but recently the son isn't interested in doing anything with just his BD. There is anger built up in him and he will break, punch and destroy things just to get the anger out.

Interestingly enough, after these outburst and hours of talking they come together and hug and say "I love you". However, BD is about ready to kick him out of the house because he is at his wits end. When this is presented, the son is sweeter than apple pie for a couple of days, but then returns to his previous behavior.

We love the child/teenager/adult but I am afraid that he will still be suffering from his habits many years from now. In addition, this is becoming very time consuming with no real results. I cannot stand to see this situation go on......How do we get this child/teenager/adult to understand what is ahead for him in life if he continues down this path.

Anyone got ANY ideas???? Please....

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Comments (6)

silversword
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm so sorry. I have no idea. I'm the mother of a six-year old girl with no ADD, so I have no experience. But this is what I tell my six year old:

That I have to follow rules too, it's not just her. If I don't wear my seatbelt, I will get a ticket. If I don't pay attention while driving, I can get into an accident and hurt someone. If I don't follow the rules, I will get in trouble too.

What came to mind was visiting a prison. If he could meet people who had made poor choices and hear their stories it may help him make better ones.

You write that "We are worried that he is never going to able to manage his own life. He is in a terrific Martial Arts program, but doesn't apply himself there either. He has never had a job, but we feel that school is his #1 priority, then MA and contributions to the household chores and then fun-time."

If he's not applying himself in school, then he's not making school his #1 priority. You shouldn't either. Let him crash and burn. He's 18 next month, he's legally an adult. Take away his safety net, while telling him how much you love him, and that it seems he doesn't want to be treated as a child, so you're going to back off. Give him a time frame in which to move out and get a job. Then enforce it. Let him know, if you are willing to do this, that he can move back in at any time if he wants to make school/education a priority.

Once he sees how hard the "real world" is, I'm sure he'll come around. But letting him continue to abuse you and himself is not doing him any justice.

This may sound a little harsh, but I tell my daughter that all the state requires of me is that I feed her, give her a clean place to sleep, clothes, and send her to school. I'm not required to give her her own room, toys, nice outings, presents, special food, any of it. I do those things because I love her and I want to do them for her. But she is not entitled to those things. She gets these big eyes, and I think she understands. Bill Cosby would say something like this to his children "none of this is yours, the house, your room, the cars. It's mine, and it's on temporary loan to you".

When my daughter says she wants to be a princess, I talk about Princess Diana, and how hard her life was. I tell her princesses are always polite, and kind, and considerate of other people. They have good manners, and must sit for hours and hours in boring situations. Princesses are not waited on hand and foot. I know he's a boy, and much older, I'm just trying to show my theory of child raising.

I feel for you. This must be a very difficult thing to go through. Please keep us posted how it all turns out.
imamommy
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
None of my kids were diagnosed ADD and I'll admit I am a bit biased regarding ADD/ADHD diagnosis because I feel it's 'overdiagnosed' and many kids that don't have it are diagnosed with it and needlessly medicated. I'm not saying your SO's son is or isn't but I have to admit my bias and lack of experience with a true ADD/ADHD situation.

However, I do have three grown kids. None of them got their driver's licenses until after they were 18 and it was by their choice. I would have liked them to get it at 16 but all three of them said no. I was baffled by that but now they are all licensed drivers. My youngest is 18 and got hers last week. My sons are 19 & 21.

I can also relate when you say he thinks he's an adult because he's 18. I went through this with my sons more than my daughter, but they both decided that once they were 'adults', they didn't have to follow rules, can stay out as late as they want, don't have to come home at all (or even call), etc. It's taken a lot, I mean A LOT of tough love with those two. I did not kick them out but I did lay down the law and told them if they don't abide by my rules in my house, they were welcome to leave.

My older son packed up his car the day after he got it, quit his job and was going to move back to the town where all his friends were. That lasted a week and he came back, now he was jobless and when he thought he would 'kick it' at my house, not work and be a 'grown up', I let him know the rules hadn't changed. He left again and bounced from couch to couch because nobody would put up with it. My mom enabled him for a year when he begged me to come back and this time, he did get two jobs but moved out when I wouldn't let him bring a GF home. So, he left (that was about five or six months ago) and he got an apartment with a guy from work but when the guy moved, he also had to move. He joined the Army and went off to boot camp last week. I'm proud that he decided to join, even though I was not happy he did it, I'll support him. I just wonder if he's going to be able to live with their rules if he found it so hard to listen to me and mine. We'll see.

My middle child is very smart. He finished HS a year early and started college. He has also had the 'I'm 18 so I'm an adult' and I gave him the same speech my older one got. He does not want to leave my home, but he also doesn't like following the rules. If I don't stay on top of it, he tests the boundaries constantly. As long as I am on top of it, he has done what I ask. Of course, he blames my husband for my consistency and I admit, I was not so consistent when they were growing up and I was a single working mother. I didn't always have the time/energy to be consistent and that, I take responsibility for. But, he is also learning through a little bit of tough love that he is a grown up when he starts acting like a grown up. We helped him get a car (because grown ups get their own cars... we made him pay for half) and it was an older car that we told him he needed to do regular maintenance, check the oil, water, etc. and he didn't. He never did anything but put gas and drive. The radiator started leaking and he continued to drive it. Now, it has been sitting in the driveway for almost two weeks because it overheats every time he drives it. He doesn't know how to fix it and he refuses to ask my husband to help him with it, which he has a right to but a grown up would have to figure it out. So, now he has mom driving him to school and picking him up (or one of his friends does). It did adjust his attitude a little when he realized he can't drive himself anymore. He also has to be reminded to do his chores (which is not much... mostly cleaning up after himself) and when he argues, I simply open the front door. He has a choice, because adults have choices. If I choose to ignore my creditors, they will take things away from me and sue me. If I choose to not pay my bills, I will be sitting in the dark with no phone or computer. If I choose not to work, I have no money for food, gas in my car, or other things we need.

My daughter is a different story. She's never given me any problems but she does get into a mood where she can have an outburst and a couple hours later, says sorry & I love you. I don't know how severe your SO's son's outbursts are but I know my daughter doesn't like conflict and maybe bottles up feelings until she bursts and lets it out and then she'll feel sorry for things she says or for getting that angry and I'm concerned about that. She really needs to learn how to express herself and I think she is working on that. She doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings so she keeps it inside when someone upsets her.

In your situation, it sounds like dad has been a softy and enabled his son for a long time. When my kids were very little, my dad had a talk with me and told me that if I don't stay on top of it, I was in trouble because my kids outnumbered me. I was a single parent of 3 by the time I was 21. I was too lenient and inconsistent when they were small and by the time they were going into middle school, I was having some serious problems with them (boys). (I wasn't always as controlling as I am now, I was pretty much a doormat I think) I decided I needed to stop being so soft and I admit I parented a lot from guilt over them not having a dad around, but I stepped it up and did what I had to keep them in line. They were not happy with the changes and it was very hard because I felt guilty that I had raised them to be used to walking all over me and now I expected them to listen to me, follow stricter rules and they didn't like it one bit. (and it was hard for me to stand up and do things differently than I had done all their lives) Then, I met my husband and a year later, when he moved in, he was supportive of me and I was even more consistent than I had been. That was when my oldest son moved out... just before my husband moved in. He didn't like ME telling him what to do, he sure didn't want my husband to tell him anything (or to be supportive of me as my husband would step in if my kids try to argue: ie. 'don't talk to you mom like that' or 'your mom told you to XXXXX'.)

I would say that you and SO need to stop worrying that he is never going to manage his own life because if you are worrying for him, he doesn't need to worry about that himself. If he thinks he is an adult, treat him like an adult. Adults have responsibility and rules. It's not a picnic to be an adult. I think it's funny when my SD says 'when I am 18, I'm going to eat as many twinkies as I want.' because she can't eat the whole box now. She's 9 and they think 18 is a magical age and they are somehow transformed into 'grown ups'.
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kathline
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I feel for you. Its not easy to watch someone you care about make all the wrong choices.

But they are his choices to make. You and your husband are beating yourselves up, tearing your hair out, worried sick over how to get this boy to see what mistakes he is making.

Except you cant "make" anyone see anything. Change only comes about by self discovery, especially at the age your son is at. All you are doing is causing yourselves distress, while not helping your son at all by continually stressing over it and trying to force him to change.

As hard as it will be to do, I would suggest letting him suffer the consequences of his own choices. Do not tell him what he should or shouldnt be doing. DO not oversee his school work. Do not nag at him or tell him how he is ruining his life. Do not judge his choices.

BUt do not rescue him from those choices either. Dont pay his bills. Dont buy him gas for his car. Dont let him have a cell phone on your plan.

In order for him to change, he has to want to. Change, when he is stuck in a state of inertia, will come slowly, step by step. If he wants to get a job, casually suggest he start part time, rather than trying to take a full time job at once. Start with no expectations on him, and add them gradually. Life gets pretty bad pretty fast if you have no money, no transport, and no cell phone. He will want to work, but he probably cant handle a full time job right off the bat because of his past laziness. It will be a slow process. Try not to get discouraged. Every small step will help him to become who he is.

Keep remembering, his way may not be the way you want him to go, and it may take him longer than average to get to his place in life. He may never become the person that you envision him, and thats okay. He has the right to be who he is. At 18, he has lots of time to fix what he is doing wrong, and it may take years before he figures it out h imself and wants to change. IN the meantime, dont let it make you crazy. He is responsible for his own life and choices, not you.

It has been my experience that most kids will eventually find their way, if they are not badgered and pressured constantly, and most of all if they are not rescued continually. Struggle builds character, and there is nothing that will drive a lesson home faster than not having the resources to continue to do nothing. He doesnt want to be told what to do, so dont tell him. Dont react at all if he drops out, drinks, smokes, etc. Dont support it financially, and dont allow it in your home , but let him make his own mistakes. If necessary, find him somewhere else to live. Dont "Throw him out", but if he chooses to go, help him go. Put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you are tempted to tell him what he is doing wrong, Twang it. Every time you are tempted to rescue him, twang it twice.

Again, he will only change when he makes that choice, not when you or anyone else pressures him into it. ANd the degree of change will be what he is comfortable with, and not necessarily the degree you would choose for him. THe most important thing is to keep the relationship intact, since that is the only way to have any influence at all over the direction he takes. He will probably lash out and be angry at first, since he has come to count on being rescued, and given things without any expectations on him. Endure it. Let him rant. Let him fracture the relationship if you have to. Dont get angry. Dont react. But dont back down either. His choices. His life. His consequences.

And stop blaming yourself and worrying. IT really will be okay. This is his life, and his choices, and even if you see them as wrong, its not too late for him to fix it, he has years and years and years. At 18, he can afford to spend the next few years confusing, trying differnt things, and becoming who he is. If you dont let him struggle now, he will be struggling at 45 living from job to job in your basement. Thats unfair to him and its really unfair to you and your husband.Its more important for you and your husband to stay close.
doodleboo
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"There is anger built up in him and he will break, punch and destroy things just to get the anger out."

This really stuck out to me because when I was 17 I thought I would try to punch the wall of my parents home when one of them pissed me off. I put a fist sized hole in the dry wall. Around this time I had been acting out,throwing tantrums and just generally stressing my parents out.

I had the attitude "What are they going to do...kick me out?" My poor attitude lasted untill my dad told me that was PRECISELY what they were going to do...hahahaha. He informed me that I would not be turning the house upside down and causing everyone to walk on egg shells all the time. My mother was a wreck and I had two younger siblings that were having to weather my storm. Dad told me shape up or ship out. I stopped with the drama act pronto. He wasn't kidding. I would have gotten the boot.

I'm not saying you guys should kick the kid out but I don't think it is OK for an 18 year old to have everyones lives topsy turvey either. He needs to understand that his outburst hurt everyone in the household and he has the option to either live amicably and follow rules or go out to "discover himself" on his own.

I have nothing against the let the child find himself approach but he can't stress everyone out and wreck the house in the process. No one wants to watch their child hurt themselves...the drinking and smoking would NOT be going on if he lived at home still. He could at the very least respect THAT.
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Somebody, maybe Bill Cosby, once said something about the subtle bigotry of reduced expectations.

Having ADD does not mean a person is incapable of controlling his own behavior, of being responsible, of being expected to behave like a civilized human being.
Although your BF's son is old enough to get married, to join the military, & to buy a home, it sounds like no one has *ever* expected him to act his age & behave himself.

He has no idea how to be an adult, & yet...
he's an adult.

I'd be angry & confused, too, if I were in his shoes-
angry at people calling me a child & confused about what to do with myself, having no training to act like anything but a spoiled, demanding child, having no expectations from anybody that I control my own behavior & no consequences for not controlling it.

The fact that you don't know what to call him ("child/teen-ager/adult") shows how confused *you* are;
how much worse must his confusion be?

This *man* is entitled to be treated as a grown-up & to be expected to behave like a grown-up & to face the consequences of his actions like any other grown-up.

"BD is about ready to kick him out of the house because he is at his wits end. When this is presented, the son is sweeter than apple pie for a couple of days, but then returns to his previous behavior."

This is a classic abusive cycle-
rage builds up until the abuser explodes, then (when the abused person leaves or threatens to leave or the police investigate), everything's calm & there's a "honeymoon" phase where he's very sweet & attentive...
& then the rage begins to build up again.

By allowing his son to get away with it, time after time, this father is teaching his son to be an abuser.

Although it's very late in the game, this dad needs to set up a rigid structure & schedule, with rewards & priveleges dependent on the son's doing what he is supposed to do & with consequences (loss of rewards & priveleges) for not doing what he's supposed to do & for engaging in prohibited behaviors.

I wish you the best.
kkny
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If anybody could figure out a surefire way to deal with problem teens, he'ld have more money than Bill Gates. its not easy. Its hard to be supportive without being an enabler of bad behaivor. Disrespectful to some people is slamming doors and not saying hello. This is more. Dad needs to see a counselor with help for dealing with his son. I am glad son enjoys MA, but to me that is a hobby. 18year olds need school or training. Where I live there are programs for children above age for their grade. But it sounds like dad has considered everything.

Disrepsectful teenager and ADD - need advice

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