I am single and for many years dreaded the holidays because of my mother's and siblings' demands that I come home. I am the only sibling who settled elsewhere from the family town and due to the stress of my professional life and travel, despise flying during the holidays. Plus there were many spoken and unspoken demands about what subjects could be talked about, what were taboo, etc. It was exhausting and, frankly, made me miserable. After attempting to meet these demands for many years I gave up and claimed my right as an adult to spend the holidays my way. I never went home for them again but endured (and endure) much anger from them still over the choice. I simply try not to let it bother me but, frankly, it does. I guess we all want to play the "dutiful daughter/loving sibling" role. I wish I had some advice for you, but don't.

We work on a rotating basis between Thanksgiving and Christmas - one year is ours for one of the holidays and the next year we switch. It works because my DD and SIL are strong people and said this is the way it's going to be to his parents. Now that my son's kids are older and want to spend Christmas at home(this is another wrinkle in the Christmas saga), we often get together the weekend after Christmas(esp. if it's not our "year" and DD keeps track of it). It's the all being together that's the most important thing. I would be delighted to have someone else take it over but they seem to like to come here. Being flexible makes your children's life easier. Good luck

Is everyone in the same town? It is sad that people become so demanding and unreasonable, especially during the holidays. I seriously doubt that they realize the pressure and inconvenience it creates for those who feel obligated to make the commanded appearances. Maybe it is time for daughter and son-in-law to start their own family holiday traditions. They can invite family rather than demand their presence.

I am now divorced, and do at Christmas what ever I want. :)

Last year was the first time in 40 years I went "home" for Christmas. It was fabulous. This year, I plan on going to Florida with a girl friend.

My daughters were raised to have their own lives at adult hood. My youngest is married and has to precious kids. She is flying to her inlaws this year, cause I am not going there. I am glad. Her husband used to always go home for Christmas and hasn't done so in years, cause of job situations.

My other daughter is a self appointed atheist, and what ever works for her should be fine with me, and it is.

I miss my extended (ex hubbies family) and the Christmas get-togethers, but life goes on.

I hope, your daughter can decide what she wants to do, and stick to it.

Moni

You are very thoughtful and wise in encouraging her to start her own family traditions.

I feel so bad for the kids that have to be dragged from house to house to make everyone else happy. That is NOT what the season is about - whatever your beliefs.

I would encourage them and support them in staying home and enjoying their new baby. There is plenty of time to stop and visit family before and after the holiday - and the visits are so much better without the chaos and EXPECTATIONS! Everyone expects joy and happiness - but good grief. How can you drag kids around and pull them away from home and expect them to be happy.

It will be very hard for them to say NO - but they can do it with your support. But they have to be firm and fair to both sides.....

In the early years of our marriage and for many years we spent Christmas Eve at my parents and Christmas Day at his. Worked for us. Now Thanksgiving or Easter was different. Noon at one parents and eve at another.

Sue

One thing we decided as a couple and stuck to our guns was this- we will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day in our own home, no long distance travelling. We wanted our kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning. Anyone who wants is welcome to drop in for a meal or dessert or whatever, but we refused to travel on Christmas. All the older generations are gone now, but we are glad we kept that rule.

I really feel bad for your daughter & her husband. They need to explain to everyone all the demands that have been put on them and that they just can't be with all of them in different places for Christmas. Any reasonable person should understand this. Perhaps one person in her husband's family could step up and offer to host and have everyone there. That way they could all be together and it would't be so stressful on your DD & SIL. What struck me in your post is that all these people are being demanding on your DD without any regard for the stress or inconvenience that it causes her little family. I understand that everyone wants to see the baby, but there is no reason to demand that someone spend the holidays with you. It seems that all these people making the demands aren't the ones who will be stressed or inconvenienced. As the baby gets older, she will begin to hate it. Instead of being able to open her Santa gifts and enjoy her Christmas, she'll be in a whirlwind of trying to make it to as many places as possible. That's not a way for children or adults to enjoy Christmas. Your DD (and probably SIL) will begin to hate the holidays just as you did. They should put their foot down now and come up with a reasonable plan that doesn't stress them. You are being extremely thoughtful about the situation; your SIL's family and your MIL should take a lesson from you.

DH's family has always been very easy to deal with. We've had Thanksgiving and Christmas with them before, but if one of the kids has plans with their spouse's family that's ok. My family was demanding in a different way. My mom was usually stressed out from all the cooking, etc. She suffered from SAD too, so Christmas wasn't her favorite time. My dad is a big believer in tradition even though he really doesn't like the holidays at all. He wanted to have a big family dinner, but then he'd complain about it for months - someone got there late, there was something wrong with the food, people stayed & visited too long, they didn't stay long enough, etc. Like marita's family, there were certain topics not to be discussed. My dad also insisted on telling everyone how to dress - no jeans, no sweatshirts, nothing remotely casual. It was the same at my mom's mother's house; she is a very demanding person too.

I like how you said that you'd like to see your DD's family develop their own family traditions. Marita is right in saying that we all want to be the dutiful one. It's clear from all these posts that Christmas has been anything but enjoyable for a lot of people simply because of demanding relatives. I hope your DD & SIL can and will develop their own traditions so that a few years from now they won't be saying the same things many of us are.

If I were your DD I would be looking for employment in a far-away location. One of our DIL's sisters (a psychiatrist) was wise enough to locate far from her huge extended family BEFORE she married. I think our DS and DIL would have done the same were he not our only child.

So...if his and her relatives want to keep seeing your DD and her family, they better BACK OFF! It's up to this couple to establish THEIR rules, immediately. This is the perfect time to do that, with their first, very young child.

If further persuasion is needed, let your DD consider how this will play out when all of these demanding relatives are no longer able to host dinners. I have been there, done that. As the only daughter, guess who will have to host all the 'competitors' for years to come -- and learn to dread holidays, trying to please everyone, or at least keep events civil.

You can't *demand* love or loyalty. Try it, and see what you get instead.

An hour visit for tea or coffee per demanding relative sometime during the season is adequate -- if the relative really wants the company and not some sort of family 'possession'. (I wouldn't be interested in participating in the latter.)

We had a large family with similar circumstances. Our firstborn was first grandchild. etc. etc. etc. The first couple of years, we basically did a Cavalcade of Homes on Christmas Day. It wasn't until the kids were a little older that we realized....hey, THEY wanted to stay home and play with the things Santa brought them. We turned it around...WE sent invitations to everyone for a Christmas Open House beginning at 4 pm. It grew to become one of the kind where everyone brings a dish. I wish we had done it from the first! I hope your daughter can explain to everyone that her baby likes to nap in her own bed and be in her own highchair, etc. They CAN'T get furious with a baby! No one should be able to DEMAND someone else's free time. If they get mad, so what?

Now's the time to make the break if that's what you DD and SIL want to do. If they accommodate the relatives this year it won't get any better next year. People that selfish and demanding will continue to insist that your DD go to their place.

But it's not just Christmas- what about Thanksgiving or the baby's first birthday. Some families are able to compromise but it sure doesn't sound like that's going to happen here.

We were fortunate since my parents lived 350 miles away and my in-laws lived across the country. DH often had to work on the holidays too. When we had our children we simply told everyone that we wanted to make our own traditions in our own home.

My niece had the same problem and she solved it by having an open house for the relatives on a day other than Christmas. There were still disgruntled relatives but at least my niece felt that she was disappointing them all equally.

I hope things work out for your family.

Maire

This post was edited by maire_cate on Sat, Nov 30, 13 at 10:20

Maire,

I LOVE this!! LoL

"There were still disgruntled relatives but at least my niece felt that she was disappointing them all equally."

And Scissors, I like your attitude!

I agree with some of what others have said... your DD and her husband should make a pact to stay home on Christmas day. Anyone who wants to go to their house would be welcomed. This is what my brother has done ever since he's had children and it's worked very well for him.

I am with those that say they should make a pact to stay home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. But offer invitations to anyone that wants to visit with them at their home! There is no sense in dragging that poor baby to hostile environments, just to be held until she is sore. Tell them to stick to their guns and stay HOME!!!

I agree that is is easier to start your tradition now. It amazes me that people can be so self centered. Especially those demanding you come to them year after year, not taking into consideration that there is another side of the family.
I love the idea of a potluck open house.
As someone who has a tiny extended family, most of which lives too far away, I am a bit wistful of your problem:)

I remember having to go to my grandparents' house every Christmas and leaving my toys behind. As a kid, I hated that. I agree with other posters that Christmas day should be for the baby and her parents at their home. If they choose to invite others to visit that day, that's their choice, but they shouldn't feel obligated to do so. I also agree that they should start their traditions right away. It's hard to change things down the road.

Wow - scissors, judging by the length of the responses you sure hit a nerve for a lot of us.

I have a very demanding MIL and knew that it would be nightmare if I didn't establish our own traditions right from the first day of our marriage, never mind when kids came along.

Like many here, the first Christmas after our first child was born the questions started - when are you coming over, you have to be here by such and such time so that so and so can see,.......blah,blah, blah......

Right from that first year I put my foot down - we are staying home until 4:00 at the earliest and if you want to stop by, please do so between noon and three. I soon took over alternating Christmas with my brother and my MIL and now I always do it. But that's for different reasons.

My niece has let her in-laws run Christmas to the determinate of her family and it has become a nightmare. Her sister has learned from that experience that when her baby is born next year that Christmas will be controlled by her and her DH and they will set their own traditions. It may include going out during the day and it may not.

It is so important that she put her foot down this year about what she wants to do and what she wants the day/season to look like for her and her family. If she caves in this year to the demands of others, the expectations will be set for the following years and you can never put that genie back in the bottle. Everyone will remember what she did this year and either expect the same next year or demand their share of her next year.
` It sounds like you will support her regardless of her decision but if she needs some backbone or support to say NO back her decision to the relatives.

What we now do is have a Christmas dinner for our family in early December which allows the nieces and nephews, and in the future my kids, to go where they "need" to go, or to stay home if they wish on Christmas Day. We've done it for about 5 years and it has worked out really well.

I wish I could give your daughter a hug and tell her` to be strong. I've been there.

Wow, those family members are just plain mean! Yeah, the answer has to be that your dd stays home and invites others in; however, she might want to do this the day after Christmas or so, in order to have a peaceful Christmastime. As her children grown, they might really hate the idea that they have to be entertaining relatives at a time they wish to be with only Mom and Dad. Your dd and ds-i-l will have to come to a decision ahead of time and lay down the law. No guilt allowed!

I was a single parent for several years, my growing up family had no real traditions. I started doing Christmas Day at my apt for my bro and his family and my mom (we are a small family). When I married my DH, his DB told us every one of their holidays was spent with his wives family. OK! We got together a week or two before Christmas.

We did our Christmas always on Christmas Day, even after older DD got married. She had 2 kids and we switched Christmas to her house so the kids did not have to travel~~SIL did his big family dinner at his mom's on C Eve, worked perfect for years. Then she divorced him~~Christmas came back to our house .

Then she and her new DH bought a big ole house, and she took Christmas day back. Then they had a baby so of course we all went there.

3 years ago, I changed it back OUR house the Saturday before Christmas~~new SIL is hard to deal with and controling;( DS's is married, his wife is an RN, she can come to our house for a few hours before work~~the traffic was getting horrible to drive to my DD's house on CDay. Everyone of my kids and the older grand kids are more than fine with this DD#1's DH hates it, but I told DD#1 that he does not get a say in it.

What we do not does not cause any problems for the rest of us and leaves them to their own Chrismas Eve and Day! So this is it for now;) Mom has spoken~~~

I don't know what the solution to this problem is, other than developing somewhat of a backbone and learning to say no. I don't like the solution of inviting family over to her house instead of going to theirs. I think back to when I was a young mother and we lived in a small duplex which was not conducive to many visitors. I don't know what your DD's living situation is, but even if she lives in a spacious home there is still the cleaning and having to provide refreshments and entertainment to the visitors. From the sounds of this demanding family, it could be an endless stream of people. Not my idea of "establishing traditions".

I agree that your dd and husband need to decide what is best for their family now.

My first few Christmas holidays with kids were ok because we all lived within a two hour drive of both sides of the family. Then we moved out of state and couldn't get home one year. That was a great Christmas. A few months later, my fil was diagnosed with brain cancer and we started going back home four times a year. We did that for three years and then fil died. Then we moved four hours from home. It royally sucked.

My family understands, but my in-laws don't. My sil didn't want to have kids, but we were expected to go sleep on the floor at her house every holiday so she could be surrounded by family and have her traditions. We never got to wake up at our house one single Christmas during the time all three of my kids believed in Santa. My families traditions were ignored. After fil died, I put my foot down and said I wasn't traveling for Christmas. So I ended up with inlaws at my house for Christmas. My mil and sil came to my house and were real jerks about it. I had planned a Christmas meal and they screwed it up. They started telling the rest of their family that I was trying to keep my husband from seeing them and causing other problems.

Dh has one other brother. I sometimes think he and his wife just say they have to work so they can ignore the drama. My mil has never paid attention to my kids, her only grandkids, even when they lived near her. There are 365 days in a year. If no one can be bothered to visit or make phone calls during the other 364 days, why are they worthy of Christmas? I'm really tired of the dysfunction. I want my children to remember the holidays as a happy time.

I forgot to post what we do now for holidays. It does not really matter who has Christmas or Thanksgiving. Whomever volunteers will do it. Most don't have other side they go to for one reason or another. Most of them have their gift exchange on Christmas Eve and when we do get together for our meal, it is noon or one, so they have plenty of time to be up and about. None live very far apart, so it is not like they have to travel much distance. Just one granddaughter that lives probably 25 miles away.

Sue

Another one who says your daughter must make her own traditions and not try to answer to everyone else.

I insisted that we have Christmas Eve dinner at home, just us. Santa comes around on the fire engine in our neighborhood and that evening was fun. We always had chocolate fondue for dessert.

The kids woke up at home and we opened presents. Then we'd get dressed and go see both families. We alternated as to where we ate dinner each year. My sister and her family stayed with my parents since they lived out of town and her in-laws live up here, too. She also switched off where to eat dinner.

Because of all the switching, my sister and I barely saw each other on Christmas. One year they were pulling out as we were arriving and we passed the gifts through the car windows n the driveway! We always saw them the next day, which was fine.

Myk ids did not mind heading over the the grandparents houses because there were more presents there. They had a good time in both places.

One silly tradition we had was feeling sorry for the Christmas trees that no one bought. We drove past our fire house (they sell trees each year) to get to Grandma's and there would be a pile of forlorn, unloved trees. We felt so bad for them.

The whole process requires cooperation and understanding on all sides. Somehow we made it work and fell into bed exhausted at the end of the day. I miss those days now. My family has shrunk and the holidays are pretty quiet.

We had no relatives to be demanding. My parents were dead. We lived across the country from my siblings until we settled here. Now my younger sister and her DH join us for the holidays.

I had no in-laws. They did not even bother to raise their son; the paternal grandparents did, and their poor health confined them to their home. We were across the country for the few years they were alive after we married. DH always had to work on the holidays, so no travel.

We treasured our holidays in our own home when we had children. Our DD is married now with 2 little boys. They trade holidays with their in-laws and us. We live an hour away, so they are able to see us during the holiday season, and then for the actual holiday, they either come here or entertain their in-laws, who fly in from the south. Once they had the boys, they announced they were not going to be doing airports at the holidays. They did it once, and that was enough.

Wow, nobody seems to care what the new young family wants, only what they want....Doesn't send a very good message...When we were young with 3 kids the families lived in the same town so Christmas Eve my family came to our house, exchanged gifts....Christmas morning we were at home, kids playing with their presents from Santa, dinner was at my husband's parents home with their relatives...It worked out fine.

"...So, my question - how do you or did you handle the demanding relatives at Christmas? ..."

I joined the Air Force and moved 5,000 miles away! Since then I've never lived closer than 1,000 to any family members. I'd love to spend holidays with my Mom, but too many dependent brothers to deal with. 1,000 miles is far to close to his mother.

I have a dear friend that as been married for 32 years and has two grown children. Not once in those 32 years has this family had a Thanksgiving or Christmas day in their own home. Not one. Holidays are shared between his and her families and the allotted time at each house is actually timed by the clock.

I think it's so sad for the children that their childhood holiday memories are of driving 10-15 hours and spending 3.2 days at one house and then 3.2 at another and then driving 10-15 hours back to their home...that didn't even have a tree set up.

If I had had children I would have wanted them to enjoy holidays in our house, stress free, and with our own little celebrations. Grandparents could visit at will.

Just tell everyone that the baby has a routine and doesn't adjust to change easily. Then stay at home.

I've never felt the pressures of Christmas most of you have. I am the youngest of 13 children and we all spend a few hours at Christmas together, but we all live within 15 minutes drive. We rent a building at church and have a dinner, Santa comes by to exchange gifts for the children, and we all sit around and visit for a few hours, then we are off to our individual traditions. The time has always been the same, noon til four on Christmas eve, each family brings "their special dishes" and a dessert, with the understanding you will be there if you can. If any of the family has other visitors, be it in laws or just friends, they are always welcomed to join in. Most times the number will be between 125 and 150 and we miss anyone that isn't able to join us. We do this same thing for Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day and Thanksgiving,. With a family as large as mine, there is always a few missing, but my kids are growing up knowing their family instead of wondering who people are at family reunions.

It seems like everyone is in agreement! It's one of the joys of being a new family with young ones.....discovering ones own sweet traditions. That the matriarchs of the extended family would insist on keeping it in their own backyard is terrible.

The most important celebration is the one where your heart is.

It is up to your daughter & her husband what they do for Christmas. They just have to remember whatever they decide this year is what they will be doing for a very long time.

When we first got married & the kids came along we decided Christmas is for our family alone. There are lots of days before & after Christmas for a visit. Unless they decide to stay home there will be hurt feelings.

I hope they make a choice that makes them happy & no one else.

If there appears to be conflict, start a new tradition, stay home, with a open house in the afternoon with a potluck for about 2-3 hours. Enough time to share so no one gets too tired. After all there are 364 days in the year left to share love with everyone and visit--picnics, vacations together, weekend visits at a park etc. Spread the joy around.

Thank you, scissors, for posting this. My in-laws are very nice people, but were very demanding about Christmas. My friends who haven't been through it often don't really understand the level of intensity people like that feel about being at all their family Christmas functions.

Those posters who say things like "I seriously doubt that they realize the pressure and inconvenience it creates" - yes, yes they DO understand the pressure and inconvenience it creates. It's not that they don't understand and it's not that they don't care, but it is bone-deep critical to them that you be there no matter what the cost.

Those posters who say blame it on the baby, or "they can't be mad at a baby" - that doesn't work either. They don't care if it doesn't suit the baby's schedule, or if the baby has a routine and doesn't respond well to changes, or anything like that. As far as they are concerned, what the baby wants is completely, totally immaterial. As far as they are concerned, it's a baby. The baby will get over it. It doesn't matter if the baby is cranky, tired, has been dragged all around the state in the past two days in the name of Christmas, the baby and the parents can/should handle it. The ONLY acceptable reason for the baby not to come is if the baby is sick. Not just a cold or the sniffles, but running a fever, etc.

Again, it's not that they don't understand and it's not that they don't care. They do. But it is unthinkable that they don't have all their family at their Christmas functions. NO other holiday will substitute. Not a family reunion in the summer, not Thanksgiving, nothing but Christmas. I don't understand it, I'll never understand it. I tried to understand it, and after all these years I'm glad I don't understand it.

My son is 24 years old and for the first time in his life we are going to have all of Christmas Day at home. He told me just the other day that he is "totally pumped" about the awesome Christmas Day we can have at home. Knowing my son, I thought "Oh my goodness. What on earth are we in for?!!! Are we driving to some spectacular mountain biking spot, driving for 6 hours to some place where we can snow tube?!!!!" Nope, what he wants is to stay in pajamas, cook a big breakfast, play games and cards and watch movies like "What a Wonderful Life". He's never had that.

How did I handle demanding relatives at Christmas? When my husband asked me to marry him, I kid you not I told him that I would like to marry him, but we had to agree that we wouldn't go to all 4 separate family Christmas celebrations his family held for the rest of my life - no way was I dragging my kids to all that.

If my family had had the same attitude as my husband's family, we would have had 8, yes 8 separate family events complete with travel, large meal and gift exchange.

Ahhhhh, thanks for letting me vent!!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you that there is someone else somewhere who understands. Hugs across the internet, scissors!!!!

I forgot to post one more thought. Sorry I'm so long-winded. I could rant all day....

When you said there are only 2 days - Christmas Day and Christmas Eve...

I hope your daughter thinks long and hard about it if some of them suggest moving their Christmas celebrations to weekends before/after Christmas. That's what some of my in-laws did. When your daughter's kids get to be school age, their lives will be so busy at this time of year. Dragging the family celebrations out all over the month of December just made the whole month unhappy for me instead of just those 2 days.

Good luck whatever she decides!

I did not read the thread...but here is what we've done. Once we started having kids and they hit 3 or 4.... When they really understood Santa....we stayed home on Christmas and enjoyed our family....opening presents and breakfast Christmas morning...playing with the new toys throughout the day and a low key easy Christmas dinner. I was so exhausted by the time the day came, I couldn't stand the thought of having company or getting everyone ready to go somewhere. We did not live near relatives so it made it easier. Several times my parents spent Christmas with us and that was fine. When my brother and his family moved 4 hours away, and then one hour away...we kept up staying home for Christmas. It evolved to them hosting Thanksgiving and we host Easter. Works out well...Christmas is a relaxing family day. In fact, when old friends moved here 10 years ago we did go to dinner there the first year...I didn't have the heart to say no as they were away from family as well. But I really hated to have to dress up, get something ready to bring, etc and have our family time interrupted. So, the following year I did speak up and told her I preferred to have it just be a day for our family to be together. She understood (I hope)and we spend New Years with them instead.

Bottom line, now that your daughter has a baby, she needs to establish a precedent....the sooner the better. And she shouldn't give in to family pressure....she and her husband need to decide what works for them and stand firm.

My son got married this year and I am letting them decide what they want to do...her family lives in the area as well. Last year, before they were married, they came over Xmas eve day for appetizers...he came over alone Xmas morning for breakfast and she came over in the afternoon...then they had dinner with her side. I did say this year dinner instead of appetizers...because the rest of us didn't want Xmas eve dinner after noshing on appetizers all afternoon...but I'm letting them decide if it's eve or day...

The tyranny of family "expectations" and "traditions" at holiday time can be oppressive and can take the joy out of holidays. It sounds like many of you have felt free enough to do some independent thinking about what works for you.

There's nothing like a bit of distance and driving or flying hours between family members to improve relationships.

Luckily, there is no tyranny here, and we were never subjected to it. Since we had no parents, my kids missed out on knowing grandparents, which was a real shame. But they know we want them to come IF they want to come here for Christmas Day or that whole week. Sometimes they go to their spouses' parents even though they prefer to come here. I have taught them well, though, and remind them that their spouses' families are their family now too. We have been lucky these past 50 years. Our holidays together are pleasant and everyone pitches in to keep the little ones happy. We still live in the large home where they grew up, so we have lots of beds and bedrooms to accommodate our growing clan.

Thanks for all the responses. From the looks of this post, it seems there are lots of us with the same issues.

For a little background, my daughter lives about 45 minutes from us and his family is about an hour the other direction (so about two hours from us). She just called and said that for this year only, she is doing Christmas with her side on Christmas eve day and early evening. They wll stop at grandma's (my MIL's) on Christmas Eve day for about an hour. Then they will go to my sister's for a meal/games etc. They will do his side on Christmas day. The hard thing for them is that his parents are divorced and my SIL's father remarried when my SIL was very young. So his step-family is considered family. This adds to their problems. I guess one could say it's a good problem to have but adds difficulties during the holidays. DD said that his mother called and is flying and staying at their house (she lives out of state but the rest of her family lives close by.) So, they'll spend a leisurely morning with his mom and they'll go to his dad's side in the late afternoon. They will not go to his mother's side of the family this year or his step-family. She said that next year, all bets are off.

I think she is feeling a bit better that they are learning to put down some rules. Next year they may try something different such as having an open house at their house but for this year, that was their decision. As for our Christmas (and exchanging of gifts and such) we will get together some night either before or after Christmas for a couple of hours. I'll bring them supper and then maybe they'll go to a movie and we can spoil our granddaughter - LOL.

learned along time ago if you live away from all the parents only the closest ones come! lol

now, by the luck of the draw, we do manage to get all the kids and 9 grands together in the afternoon on Christmas day...a long time ago dh and i decided to never ask or make demands that the families come...if they came for dessert wonderful...but now we're in a set pattern, thank goodness!
see? by not demanding you're going to have the best of times! a happy dd, baby, and sil...

I'm a little late to this party, but thought I would chime in. I have to say that while I agree that no one should be pressured to do what they don't want to do, I disagree that it is important that kids spend Christmas in their own home. My kids loved spending the holidays with both sets of grandparents. Santa always managed to find them.
We had a problem at first with my MIL. We had decided to alternate every other year with my folks and in-laws. We were doing that for all major holidays so we were there at MIL and FIL for Thanksgiving, and she didn't speak to us all day because we weren't going for Christmas. The next day my DH called her up and told her she was going to have to grow up and get used to it.
We always offered to host a holiday dinner on the weekend following Christmas, with them and my BILs and their families, and we did this with my own family also. The kids loved having two Christmases. The only bad part was that on the year that we weren't there my MIL did not want to have Christmas. Neither of my SILs had any famliy,so everyone just stayed home and did their own thing, although they could have all been together. MIL said she didn't believe in two Christmases. Oh well.
Now all three of my kids have followed suit. We alternate. but they are all on the same schedule because they want to be together. They have also managed to coordinate their schedules with spouses siblings on the other side.It helps that all the parties involved are reasonable, flexible, nice people.
This year I had them all at Thanksgiving. They will be with in-laws on Christmas. DH and I will be going to my parents for Christmas eve and Christmas day.(MIL and FIL are no longer with us) We stay overnight. And we will get to see some aunts and uncles and cousins, Then on the weekend all the kids and my folks will be coming to our house.
I do want to add that since my in-laws have passed, we have not spent any holidays with one BIL and his family (their choice) . But I include my other BIL who is now a widower. along with my family.
I don;t understand all those who say Christmas should be at home with just your own little family.It just does not feel like a holiday unless we have somebody here or are going somewhere. Yes, it is sometimes hard for children to leave their new toys, but they knew there would be something to open wherever we went, and they loved being with their cousins, just as I did when I was little and now my little grandchildren do.
Merry Christmas Everyone!