Maybe she is scared this could happen to her, or she was "never" your best friend. Sometimes we overlook the personalities of others until something like this happens. I hope you are recovering from the surgery and PS__hope your DH did not make the chili. Or even better, hand her a can of chili. Just sending hugs to you and wish you complete healing.

She's not a current friend, just a used-to-be friend with assumed privileges.

Just tell her you're busy a few times, and you'll never hear from her again.

Having the kind of surgery you had is very serious and you have every reason to feel as you do....It sounds as if your friend is very self centered and probably doesn't know any better...I have a daughter in law that is exactly the same way and as much as I care for her, she really, really irritates me no end...Both my husband and I have had serious health problems and when she calls, there's never a , how are you, do you need anything...It's always, I've had to see a doctor, etc., very much an "I" person....We've learned to just ignore and move on....
I think it's time to just say, Do you really understand what I've just been through? Do you have any idea what I've been through?, or something like that....And there is no way, she'd get any more chili and I'd tell her what to do with that invitation to pampered chef party......
I sure hope you take good care of yourself....Feel better soon.....

She sounds like someone you don't need in your life. I think of my relationship with my bestie, and there's no way she would treat me this way. I hope that you are feeling better :)

Tell her there will be no chili and you are the chef to be pampered. Hope you're feeling better. I didn't for a long time after mine. That woman is thoughtless to say the least.

And if that gift isn't wrapped yet, don't do it! And one more thing, don't let her hurt your feelings ever again. Either just hang up on her or give her "what for".

Mariend and IDGram.... actually she had cervical cancer about twenty five years ago. I was the one that took off from work to take her to radiation and dr appts and prepared meals for her family.
NO DH did not make the chili, although i would love to have a bowl myself, I don't think I need to for a few weeks. Too spicy.
Monica. you are probably right :" a used to be friend". MY DH has found it necessary today (and he never does this) to enumerate to me how many time over the years that she has not been there for me, and all the excuses she has had. He has a good memory. Usually he never badmouths anyone, and he likes her (well tolerates her) and he does like her DH. we used to go out to dinner with them, but we were dropped from the "A" list a few years ago. So I eventually stopped inviting them to join us.
DH thinks that because i have known her so long and know about her background of poverty, that she does not want me to be around their more high falutin' friends.
Irishdancersgram... you are so right she IS very self centered. One of those people, who ..if YOU have the flu, she has it worse, whatever you buy, she has one better, etc. I guess I have just learned over the years to ignore it, like you and your dil.
And honestly since I am dwelling on this today, I think that I have put up with this all these years because I felt like I did not have any one else. But now at the ripe old age of 60, I have found that I DO have other friends. And I choose to not be a doormat any longer. I think I am going to meet her at the door and hand her the gift, and not invite her in.

((((jennava))))
I hope you are feeling better after your surgery and the recovery goes fast and fine. I wish I could bring you and hubby a nice comfort food casserole and a shoulder for you to cry on. Learning a special friend is not all you thought them to be is a tough lesson.

Your friend seems to be a bit pushy and self centered. If your DH spoke so disparaging of her then there may be a lot of truth to his statement. 99.9% of real men know not to talk bad about a wife's BF unless it is really in the wife's best interest. I would call her and let her know the gift can be picked up any time but since you and the hubby are busy taking care of you and your present needs there really isn't any time or strength for visiting, the chili she asked for would not be possible. Apologize for not RSVPing the invite but it was not a high priority during the importance of making sure everything for the life altering surgery went well. Finish with "Oh by the way I'm fine, thanks for asking and I'll call you when I'm well enough to get around and socialize again." The ball is in her court then and if she is a true friend she'll be calling back with a different attitude.

LIL

I'm sorry you're dealing with this; I wish you lived near me. I need someone to both BE a good friend to and to have a good friend as well. I had my share of users/abusers way back in school; consequently, as an adult, I haven't had a lot of lady friends. Luckily I have a very nice sister! :) hope your recovery goes quickly and smoothly! :)

sleeperblues... I would never treat HER that way. And I have recently reconnected with two bff's from childhood, kindergarten through HS. They live 800 miles away but we are catching up through FB, emails and phone texts. They both offered to come here if I needed help. I think renewing these old friendships has helped me see that my friendship with her is not the BEST thing for me after all.
Patti, thank you. I am doing better, resting a lot. And the gift is sitting here in a gift bag. I tried to drop it off to her before my surgery but she could /would not give me a time that was convenient for her. so here it sits, oh well.

liljunkr.. thanks for the hugs. and DH says he has bitten his tongue may times over the 20 years we have been married, and has wanted to say something but hesitated to. I know he is right. and i am going to take your advice and call her and tell her to pick up the gift but that there will be no chili (even if he makes if for us) and that "Oh by the way I'm fine, thanks for asking and I'll call you when I'm well enough to get around and socialize again."
then we shall see, if i even hear from her again. I told DH it is hard to let go of a friendship of 35 years, he says she is not my friend,she uses me, and I have other people in my life that treat me better. Maybe time I listen to hi?
Thank you all for the encouragement.

thank you Juellie, I wish I lived near you too!

(((Jenna)))...you have got to let this one go...she is not worth your dirty dishwater...you've been thru major surgery and if I was closer to you...I'd be makin you chili and doing anything possible to make you feel better...

thank you Liz. I know you are right. I need to just let it go. Still it hurts when you have bent over backwards for someone that cannot be bothered to return the favor. Shame on me for letting it get me down. I promise to stop obsessing, and just need to remind myself to not be so available when she needs something.

Jennava, your DH sounds like a wise (and loving) man.

thank you Susan, yes, I got very lucky the second time around. I am so thankful to have him.

Hi Jennava, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I had a similar situation several years ago when I had surgery to remove a brain tumor. My best friend or so I thought, never called to see how I was doing, but did call to see if I could babysit her son. I was so upset. My DH said the same thing yours did. I didn't realize how much of a taker she had been thoughout our friendship, until I needed some help. DH said he always saw it. I was always there for her no matter what and helped her through two surgeries of her own. After my surgery I started saying "no" to things she asked of me. At the end of the day, I have to feel good about doing something for others and when I looked back on it, I didn't feel good. She and I are no longer friends.

I had my hysterectomy in June of this year and I am thankful for the wonderful friends who helped me though. It's through times like that, where you see who your true friends are.

How are you feeling? Are experiencing much pain?

hi Matti5.. I am doing okay. Not a lot of pain, and when I start feeling guilty that I am not up and doing more around here, I check into the hystersisters website to see where everyone else is in their recovery. helps me to remind myself that I need to take it slow. I am pretty stubborn, and need reminding that I am not superwoman.
I am so sorry about your brain tumor and your need for hysterectomy this year. I hope you are doing well? I am sorry to hear you lost your friend too. I guess that old poem about people coming into your life for a season or a reason is true isn't it?
You take good care of yourself

Hope you get a clean bill of health and your recovery time is minimal. I don't know why people disappoint us; I just know they do --often the ones we need the most and expect the most from. I suspect she has been a friend to you at times, but she may simply just not have it in her (for whatever reason) to be the kind of friend you need right now.

I'm wondering if she may not also have something going on in her life (that she's not sharing) that may help to explain her indifference to you. Possibly she has forgotten what you are going through (literally forgotten) or maybe misguided and thinks her questions or her help may look like pity to you. She may think if she treats you a if you are well, you will be well. I know my mom tends to try to do that with me.

I know many have suggested to just write this friend of 35 years off. I don't think any of us here knows enough about you, or your friendship with her to be telling you that. I think it may be in your own best interest to assume maybe something else is going on and not just write her off. I'd be prone to do what Liljunkr suggests... maybe even come right out and tell her your disappointed in her and ask why she hasn't asked about you. (why are so many people afraid to talk, confront, etc...--You can write a friend of 35 yrs off but you can't openly talk to her about it first?) I have a feeling you'd be surprised and feel better if you know what she's thinking. You may not agree with her or even like it, but it may help.

Hope all is well with you.

Wow, your husband has shown amazing restraint by waiting until you were ready to hear it.
I'm really sorry - 35 years is a long time and I know that this is difficult, but
I congratulate you for seeing the light and taking action.
Take good care of you. I hope you have a quick recovery!

carla,,, you are correct, she has been a friend to me in the past. when we were young, with young kids, she and I helped each other. i am sorry if it came across that she has NEVER reciprocated. Maybe there IS something going on in her life that she has not shared. And also, since I have always been, and had to be, very strong, perhaps she doesn't think I need anything from her. I don't know. I will not just write her off, but I am going to be a little less willing to be at her beck and call. I will still be her friend, but I think I need to be my own best friend right now.
thank you gardenspice, for your best wishes.

I'm on Hystersisters too. It's been a godsend!

Glad your pain level is at a minimum. Mine was low too and I was quite surprised. Gas pain was another story LOL

Matti... oh the gas pain! wow, it took several days, I think if you had stuck a pin in my belly, I would have gone flying around the room so much gas would have escaped. lol Yes, hystersisters was so much help pre and post op.

I don't have friends that treat me like that, I would not tolerate it. I have a friend who does have a friend like that. One day she was complaining about her friend using her for taxi service and bad mouthing her right to her face. She asked me why her friend does that. My reply was "because you allow it".

Yes Vala I have allowed it too. I am very non-confrontational. but, enough. I need to stand up for myself. It is difficult to change a lifetime behavior of letting people walk all over me. But I am going to try. One day at a time.

The "user" people always seem to find nice, giving people that are willing to be used (for a while) and as soon as that person asks for or needs something herself, the "user" gets upset and acts all put out, as if it's a personal affront.

I am with your DH, you don't need her. Concentrate on the good people in your life. As for this woman, start saying "NO" everytime she asks for something and then you can always think about it and change it to a "yes" if you want to. It's a lot easier to change a no to a yes, as opposed to changing a yes to a no. (I actually do that with everyone, if I have the slightest doubt about something.)

I hope you feel better soon and get a clean bill of health!

Sorry Carla, but after being a "friend" for 35 years, ignoring Jennava's surgery and asking for something is just plain rude and self-centered. If there is something going on in her life, she could have at least alluded to it and offered apologies. Jennava's DH clarified just what kind of person this so-called friend is. Sometimes we just need a wakeup call and he provided it.

BTDT and sometimes we just have to move on and let go of the baggage.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having major surgery takes a big enough toll without the emotional baggage that your "friend" is trying to hand over. I hope your doctor tells you that the cancer was only suspected and not a reality!

As for this "friend" ---

"I think I am going to meet her at the door and hand her the gift, and not invite her in."

If I were in your shoes, I'd have my husband meet her at the door and hand over the gift. If she asks if she can come in, he should say that, no, you are recovering from surgery and need your rest. He should tell her that because you are recovering from surgery you will not make it to her Pampered Chef party. He should then say, "Gotta go, bye." and shut the door.

Hi
My Dr gave me this to read and heed when I was having a very difficult time in my life.

Dealing with toxic people

Toxic people. If you are experiencing this in your life, let me share with you what I have learned. I think I can help you to feel better.

* Be comforted in the fact that you are not alone. Every person walking the earth knows at least one toxic person in their life. The toxic person is a family member, friend, associate, workmate, boss, etc. Toxic people come in all shapes and forms as they know no boundaries.

* Realize that until you stop allowing a toxic person to hurt you and your life, they will continue to do so.

* The most important thing to remember is that you have the power to stop a toxic person. You do this by controlling your own actions and reactions. As you probably already know, you cannot control the actions of other people. But the good thing is you can control yourself and your life. You have the power to walk away from a toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore. Freedom is a wonderful and liberating experience.

* Realize that toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. It helps to move away from toxic people and move towards people who are positive and uplifting. Positive people are a blessing. Rely on your instincts, they never lie. Train yourself to move away from what hurts you and move towards what feels good. This is one of the smartest life skills you can learn, and also one of the best gifts you can ever give to yourself.

* Toxic people are extremely negative, nasty, narcissitic, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible, selfish, and abusive. They can be criminally minded, mentally ill, or just plain evil. Toxic people are also the ones that abuse alcohol or drugs and then hurt other people. The toxic individual exudes the dark side of human nature all of the time. They cause other people pain, craziness, and aggravation. They are not hard to recognize. Just take notice of how you feel when you are around one of these people. It will be easy to determine. You will immediately feel sick and experience physical symptoms like a headache or stomach pain. Or you will just feel like you are going crazy, but don't worry that is the true mark of being with a toxic person. Remember this so that you will be better able to identify a toxic person. That is the first step towards eliminating one from your life.

* Know that when a person is toxic it is because of their own issues. Sometimes these issues can consist of mental illness. Accept that a toxic persons behavior has nothing to do with you. In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Remember that when dealing with a toxic person, they are responsible for their own actions, but often do not. Realize this and you take back your power.

* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk away and not allow them to hurt you anymore. If you cannot walk away, then mentally walk away. You can do that by being kind to yourself. Allow yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is a process of not caring.
It is something you do for yourself. It is a mental skill that takes some time to learn at first, but once it is mastered, it can help you to become stronger mentally and physically. Detachment is a necessary skill for preserving your own mental health. Detaching from people and situations that are not good for you is healthy and can help you to feel better. Begin detachment by repeating affirmations. Affirmations are powerful because over time, the mind believes what we program into it. The following are some good examples to help you, but feel free to make your own that speak to you personally.

I do not care about ***.
I will not allow *** to hurt me.
Detaching from*** will help me to be healthy on many levels.
I control my own life and decisions.
I am strong.
I feel good about the decision to detach.
Detachment is healthy and necessary.

* When dealing with toxic people remember that exercise is your best friend. Exercise relives both mental and physical tensions. It helps the body to produce healing chemicals that will repair your body and help you think more clearly. Exercise also encourages the release of endorphins, chemicals that relieve pain and help you to feel good both mentally and physically.

* Most importantly develop supportive relationships with your life partner, friends, family, workmates, and associates. There is strength in numbers. Talking things over with the people in your life who love and care for you, can help you to overcome the negativity of toxic people. Just as animals and children instinctively can sense when someone is good or evil, the people who love you are very good at recognizing when someone is toxic and hurting you. Loved ones are a good defense against toxic people because they can offer you good advice and support for eliminating negative influences in your life.
* *
* *
I have learned to get rid of these people by being staight
forward and telling them I don't want them in my life anymore. It works like a charm but is very hard to do.
Hugs
Dolly

Yeah, by all means, don't let her take the gift from you and do you a favor. Even if the gift is for her daughter, it still sounds like she is doing you a favor by picking it up, no? And, wow, she asked if you were coming to her party? Was she cursing you for not rsvping or just asking if you were up to coming? That's just too much! I just hate it when toxic people try to do me favors and invite me to parties!

Good morning everyone. Flamingo,, I am going to take your advice and just tell her no.
wantoretire did.... yes it was a wake up call. still hurtful that someone you bent over backwards for time and again cannot come through for you. I do not expect every thing i do has to be reciprocated, but sometimes.............
dollydolots... thank you so very much for taking the time to post that article about toxic people. I am printing that out and keeping it handy. very good information. I need to read that often, not just because of this one 'friend'

Carla.... the gift was for her daughters second baby, born in July. I had the gift for some time, just couldnt get her to tell me when I could deliver it. In hindsight, Maybe I should have just mailed it to her daughter. And the invitation for the PC party came on Friday. I had no intention of going, but I had not made the effort to call and rsvp. Truthfully, I was very put out that she couldn't call BUT she could send me an invitation to buy something from her.

You don't need friends like that. Let her come get the baby gift, forget about making her chili, and ignore any future contacts she may make. "I'm busy, sorry" works just fine.Some freiends are in for the long haul. She doesn't make the cut. Consider her an ex-friend.

Lindsey CA... i am very sure it is NOT cancer. The test done during surgery was negative. I am not even sure what the other pathology tests were for. I should get those results on Thursday at my two week check up. Thank you for your good wishes.
Jannie... no chili for her. But I have talked about it here so much that i am craving it. lol I guess she hasn't really 'made the cut, for the long haul', and I just need to let it go.

It looks like you already got some great advice and you are well on your way to recovery. I am hoping that you are feeling well today! Your DH sounds a lot like mine. When it comes to reading people he is always spot on. One of these days I might listen to him and avoid some of the stress that certain people bring to my life! Now you have me craving chili by the way. I will keep sending up some good thoughts and prayers for you that Thursday brings good news for you.

Trish

-jennava,

I was being sarcastic. It just sounds like you are mad that she is doing you a favor. I truly think with what you are going through, you are probably more emotional than usual, and will probably feel better about things in a few weeks. I'm sorry, I don't think you should write your friend of 35 years off for this, and from what you've written I don't think she is necessarily a toxic person either.

There are personality types that are givers and some are takers (just like there are leaders and followers) and they often work well together as friends. She may tend to be more of a taker, and you more of a giver. As long as she is not taken advantage of you, I don't see a reason you can't still be friends. The two types together often strive... because you may really enjoy and want to be able to be the giver in the relationship. And, people if you say all your friends are givers, you may look at yourself... you are probably more of a taker than you realize.

I hate to condemn some friend of yours without even hearing her side of what is going on. I find it irresponsible that people give such strong advice here about ending long relationships and even marriages, etc.. without knowing a lot more. I can't even tell from your post if you invited her for lunch and she said she couldn't stay but joked about taking chili home, or if she just called you to ask for your husband's chili (and, I don't really care...that's not the point..the point is we don't really know how your relationship is). And, I don't know your husband..yes, he could be all knowing like some other poster's husbands.. or he could be sensitive and just trying to commesurate with you, or sadly, he could be conrolling and might not want you to have any friends. Again, I don't know. But I do know that just because so and so's husband is spot on, doesn't mean yours is.

I understand you are very disappointed, but we tend to dwell on the negatives about people when we want to. I could put my best friend (who happens to be the dearest person I know) into the Toxic people category if she disappointed me and I were in the mood to do so (and so could my husband). Just give yourself some time. Talk to her if you can and feel like it. I have really never met these people/these perfect friends that everyone seems to have that never disappoint them or let them down. People are human; they make mistakes... If you are her true friend, you'd understand that too. Again, probably not the best time to have to understand that for you... but with some time things may seem better and you may be glad you kept her for a friend.

I'm interested to know what happens long term...

Hi Carla, No I am not mad at her for doing me a favor by picking up the gift. She preferred to do that rather than have me come to her house, and I did tell her that i appreciated her driving here the four miles to pick it up. I did not invite her to lunch. I did not mention lunch, I was not up to preparing lunch so soon after having surgery. The request for the chili was from her, she likes my husband's chili. My husband is not all knowing, and not overly sensitive nor is he controlling. He is just protective of me. He really is not one to voice negative opinions. I think he was just trying to help.
I am her true friend, I have been there for her in some pretty tough times. But I do not claim to be perfect either.I am just disappointed that she is not able to be here for me in this situation. I am not writing her off. But after her brief visit today, I am just going to give myself some time to recuperate and get my life back together. If she wants to talk, I will be available to listen.
No you don't know me, or my DH, or my friend. I posted here to vent, and I rarely do that, after reading other's post and some responses they get. I am not very articulate, and tend to ramble. I guess all I was looking for was a little
bit of empathy.
Carla, I appreciate your taking time to respond. And I will consider your remarks very carefully/ Thank you for listening and adding the calm voice of reason.

Jenna, I'm sending good thoughts of healing:)

Be good to yourself by not feeling guilty about accepting help:)
We didn't come into this world alone, so no need to act as if we did.
Most of us have had to "divorce" someone dear to us. It's hard to disconnect from someone you've given emotional energy to. Give yourself a big pat on the back for coming to the place of strength by saying enough.

I've made this saying my mantra during times of strife:
"Indifference is the worst insult...Forgiveness the best revenge".

Wishing you a strong week ahead!

Thank you Deborah

She gets a gift (for her kid).

She asks for (puts in order now for delivery tomorrow) your hubs to make her some specially enjoyed food.

What do you get in return?

"Too busy to call/talk".

Yeah!

ole joyful (who's read your later update)

Deborah - Excellent Mantra!! I wish I could say I used it more myself; I'm learning in my old age though.... thanks for the reminder!