You told your family to go...you should not be upset...
I say...don't make a big deal out of it.

I didn't tell my family to go, when it happened they said that they wouldn't go, and then they did. And he told me 12 hours before the wedding when we had already gotten everything ready to go.

Stacie

I'd try to work through your problem with their going. Of course it was a big deal, and I totally get why you're upset with them. You wanted them to stand with you.

But they were in an untenable position. Did you really want your mother to miss her son's wedding, no matter how bad he's been to you?

And you say you didn't tell them to go, but that's how I interpreted what you wrote, too. Could your family have interpreted it that way?

I guess I'm saying, don't let this one incident determine whether you're going to cut yourself off from your family, no matter how justifiably angry you are.

And about the rehearsal dinner, did your brother know you were coming? I may have misunderstood, but it sounded like you declined the invitation, and then showed up at the last minute.

It is their right to go.....let it go.
The wedding is over, they went, you didn't and you made your kids feel badly because they didn't get invited.

Stacie, I am so sorry that he did this to you, that was very immature. You did the adult thing, you chose not to add stress and strife to the day and you stayed home. I'm sorry that your children were hurt, I'm not sure I would have explained it to them other than to say "We are not going." Depends on the age and maturity of the children.

Do not avoid your family, you will regret it, trust me on this, you will regret it. Try to let go of it and move on, love your family as you always have. They were in a bad situation as well, and they tried to deal with to their best ability.

I'm sure your brother hurt you terrible, no doubt, but it sounds like your playing him along too. Changing your mind at the last minute, than telling your kids in a way that would make them cry. I'm not feeling empathy yet.
He sounds like a lousy brother all right but you have to make the adult decisions based on his character and it didn't turn out your way because he is STILL an ass of an alcoholic. Don't act all surprised that he's upset with you and then pull the kids into it. Keep them out of it and away from him. After all you said he exposed himself, they don't need to be around him anywhere..
I agree you should try to move on with your family (mom, etc). I can't comment on how to get along with them, I suppose it depends on each person. I wish I could support you on this but it sounds like wishful thinking on your part thinking he had changed. You don't need to regret not going, you need to keep the chaos at a minimum for your kids. IMO! I do hope you can calm your thoughts on this. He isn't worth the anguish.

Wait, you told your brother a year and a half ago that you and your kids wouldn't be in the wedding and your kids are still crying about it? What did you tell them? That their uncle didn't want them? How would they get that impression?

Something's fishy here...

Blessings,
Haley

Haley, I told my brother and the kids that they wouldn't be flower girls but that we would go to the wedding.

First off, when you told the family to not boycott it, that was the right thing to do. Good for you.

I don't understand a lot of this, obviously we're only getting bits and pieces but what did you tell the kids was the reason they weren't at the wedding? I hope you told them that you refused to go and because of that, they couldn't go. That's really the reason it started a long time ago. If you're not going to be there and presumably the kids are minors, then I'd agree the kids shouldn't go unless perhaps they're under the care and supervision of someone you trust. But if you were going to go, I don't understand why you kept them out, other than for revenge.

Another positive for you was reassessing and going to the dinner. What happened there? Apparently something big happened. By chance was it the issue of you attending but not allowing the kids in the party? If you were going to go to the wedding but not allow the kids to be in it, why? I don't understand that. If I understand the situation, and admittedly there's a lot of guessing, but if you said no a year ago, and now said yes but no to the kids being in it, I don't really think under those circumstances that he's out of line saying in that case don't come. You're really slapping him in the face.

Is there a feeling he might do something to the kids? They're not going to be alone together so that shouldn't be a concern. Seems to me he was making a peace offering and got cut off, which can be OK, but there's consequences too.

Clearly there's animosity. But planning a wedding is complex and stressful enough without a sibling throwing monkey wrenches into it. I applaud your attempt at a reconciliation for the dinner but if you held the kids out, that wasn't really fair to the kids, your brother or for that matter the rest of the family. They probably would have loved to have seen the kids in there.

I'm still very confused.

You didn't want your girls to be in the weeding party.

You decided to attend as guests to keep the peace.

After the rehearsal dinner your brother gets drunk and un-invites you. you told the family to go ahead and attend anyway even though your immediate family wasn't going.

The girls are disappointed they did not get to go to the wedding at the last minute.

If those are the facts you did nothing wrong.

Your feeling are hurt by your family acting like they didn't miss you and the girls?

Don't expect to get them to change. If you expect them to validate your feeling it just isn't going to happen. The squeaky wheel gets the attention. In this case your alcoholic brother.

You're upset for yourself and for your children's disappointment. Now straighten up. Dry your tears and hold your head high. Tell your girls how wonderful they are and how lucky you are to have them. Take them out for ice cream.

Right now the wounds are fresh. Later on you can decide whether to interact with the rest of the family and how much interaction there will be if any. But you never ever have to be supportive of your brother's behavior nor their enabling him. You will also have to accept that your feeling will never trump his. I watched the same thing in my DHs family. His brother got all the attention and validation for just breathing. DH took the role of the red headed stepchild.

It's over and done and you can't change a thing. You'll try your best to pacify your kids, but you handled it well as far as I can see. Let is go. Life's short--there are too many other important things right now, i.e. your children are probably getting ready to go back to school. Give it up and go. Let your heart heal.

He is doing exactly what alcoholics due best: tear families apart. Don't play.
Don't punish the rest of your family for what he did. If he has a beef with you, he will delight in the power that he wields. (Yes, I've seen this happen with alcoholics - they seem to work out their childhood sibling competition all over again and again.)
Your family might continue to refuse to see his random behavior as a problem, but don't waste energy trying to point it out. Unfortunately, if your brother is an alcoholic, chances are they won't be able to deny it forever. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I'm confused, too. You said "So I decided that my family wouldn't be attending the wedding. I decided on Thursday that someday if we got along I would regret not going so I went down on Friday for the rehearsal dinner and that went fine."

You decided you weren't going, then 2 days before the wedding you decided to go? That's just not right. I must be misunderstanding and, if so, I apologize.

I think part of my confusion is who you mean when you refer to "my family". You use it a few times. Do you mean your husband and kids, or do you mean your mother and siblings? Or sometimes one and sometimes the other?

It's a shame that your 4 little kids were upset that their uncle didn't want them at his wedding, but I think it's wrong of them to be told that. He absolutely did want them to not only be AT his wedding but IN it. The reason they weren't was because of you, not because of him. I hope you didn't make him out to be the bad guy who doesn't love them. And, I agree that they were probably given more info than kids their ages should have to handle, anyway.

Sorry - but given what you've written, I'm confused and think that the errors were on your side. However, yes, it's over, perhaps an apology is in order, but either way, let it go.

Suzieque

Sorry, but you seem to contradicting yourself in a few places. In any case, I would NOT drag your mother into it; she deserves to see her son get married, alcoholic or not. I think SHE is the one in the really crummy position, seeing her children bicker and fight. That would KILL me to see happen between my kids. I would move on. jmho

Isn't this the brother you don't want your kids around, considering his past? I do hope you've been able to keep them away from him, especially if he's still drinking!

Sorry, but in reading your post yet again, I think I'm starting to get it. Am I right that 1) you decided not to have your kids in the wedding, 2) decided to not go to the wedding at all, 3) decided at the last minute to go to the wedding, 4) when told not to come to the wedding you told your mother/father/siblings to go, anyway, and they went? If that is pretty much it, then I am afraid that I don't see the big deal, either.

What is it about it that you're upset with? 1) that you were uninvited (after you declined then went), 2) that your parents and sibs went to the wedding, 3) that your kids were upset, or 4) something else? Just trying to understand what is the upsetting factor (or factors) and help answer your question of whether I would consider it a big deal.

I'm not trying to be mean or suggest all these issues are your fault but I strongly suggest you attend an Alcohol Anonymous for relatives of alcoholics. Your issues with your brother go further back in the past than just the wedding problems. You might also want to find a support group for women who have been sexually molested (forced shock exposure is a form of molestation) by family members. You seem to have been reared in a very dysfunctional family environment and can use the therapy to help you handle the stresses of adult life and interactions with the same dysfunctional family members. With out getting some help you are very much in danger of ending up rearing your children in a dysfunctional family also. I know you probably don't like to hear this but please take it as intended. Only to help you get over the pain caused by having to deal with baggage that is carried by the survivors of Dysfunction Familial Abuse. When you see why they are what they are and what you can to to prevent them hurting you and your children you will be in a much better place.

Bet wishes for a better future
LIL

I had to read this twice. Looks like from the second post that the OP did not encourage the family to attend the wedding - the 'adult' part of her simply decided not to push the issue and agreed not to attend, herself.

Dirtunder, are you upset by the events, or are you upset by the silence?

Sometimes the elephant in the room left undiscussed is far more painful then the event itself.

At any rate, we all benefit by setting emotions aside and by learning how to talk to our families about what upsets us.

BTW, is anyone talking about the fact that brother is an alcoholic and had (has) sexual boundary issues? This seems like a forest through the trees topic to me.

This guy exposed himself to his sister.

I think OP had the right idea in the first place, not to have her children around him at all.

Her mistake was in allowing herself to doubt & then to change her decision;
wonder how much family pressure was involved in that?

Sometimes it looks like only one member of your family is causing you distress, but that person isn't doing it in a vacuum;
if OP was getting pressure from the family to act as though her brother is a normal, benign human being, as though her lack of contact with him was her fault, she may have to disengage from the lot of them to get healthy & to stay healthy.

Liljunkr and Sylviatexas are exactly right.

But I'.ll be darned if I would let your brother win but alienating yourself from the rest of the family.....You didn't go, your choice and a good one considering the circumstances...they chose to go.........did you want them to stay home just because you didn't go.......

My family means more to me than the actions of one brother whom I disliked already.....Don't screw it up so that your daughters don't have access to the rest of your family because your feelings are hurt......Kids are very spontaneous...tomorrow or next week they will forget about the wedding and it won't be an issue unless you choose to make it an issue..........

I agree that I wouldn't have anything to do with the brother. My concern was what YOU tell the kids, how YOU portray the situation to the kids. You can still be guilty of bad-mouthing someone and being just as dysfunctional in how you handle it while at the same time trying to do the right thing and protect your children. I say try to pull your boot straps up, have a relationship with those that really do mean something to you and tell the kids the TRUTH, age appropriate of course.

Blessings,
Haley

Oh by the way, your reaction to the whole charade is classic co-dependent. (IMHO) I know, before I sought help due to living with an alcoholic mom, I was EXTREMELY co-dependent. It takes some work to get beyond this, but you can do it through groups, a counselor, self monitoring, etc. and BOUNDARIES! Boundaries! Boundaries! :)

Sylvia,

You hit it right on the head of the nail. My other family members are pushing to get us to get along. My dad says that I need to sit down with him and get over things and be loving family members again. My family treats me like I am the one that causes the problem and they don't understand why I don't just "accept" my brother.

Hale you also are right, I have some very classic co-dependent behaviors:) wanting to make things right and bending to family pressure. I am really seeing that I need to continue on in counseling.

Stacie

Lilyjnker,

You are so very right as far as being a member of a dysfunctional family. I am determined to stop the cycle with my kids and raise them in a functional family. This is the main reason that I am distancing myself from my family. They are all welcome to come here or I will make plans to see them. But any event where my brother is at, me, my DH and kids will not be at, and if he shows up we will leave.

Stacie

Sounds smart, Stacie.

I'm still trying to figure out why you were at the rehearsal dinner.

No offense, but it seems kind of rude that you just showed up the day before the wedding. And I can't believe that you would expect your siblings and parents not to attend the wedding because of your issues with your brother.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease, but I hope you won't let your brother's problem separate you from your whole family.