Payton, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you are going through. I just lost my mom on January 1st of this year. She was a young 50 years old, and suffered a horrible painful death due to Scleroderma and Pulmonary Hypertension. Basically, she couldn't breathe anymore, and her lungs and heart failed her. I just turned 23 years old a few weeks ago. Life sure does seem unfair doesn't it? We are so young to have to endure this kind of pain and emptiness. The only thing that gets me through it is having faith in God and the love of family and friends around me. No matter how alone you feel, you are NEVER completely alone. There is always someone else out there going through a similar situation as you too. Unfortunately death is a part of life that we all must learn to deal with. My mom was my best friend, and sadly I realized just how much she means to me after she was already gone. I wish I could have told her that she was the best mom in the entire world and that I am a good person because of her. I would consider myself to have been a good daughter, but there is so much more I wish I would have done. I took for granted that she would always be there for me, and that she would never dieat least not for another 20 or 30 years. God had other plans though. You and I both need to realize that no matter how much we did, we never would have felt like it was enough. I guess it's hard to repay the person who gave you life and loved you unconditionally like no one else could. This journey of grief you face has only just begun, as has mine. However, I choose to believe people when they say it will get easier. Not a day goes by that I won't think about my mom or miss her deeply, as I'm sure this is the same for you, but with time maybe we can learn to cope with their passing. I think losing one's mother is possibly the hardest thing to go through, so if we make it through this then there is nothing we can't handle. When I feel really sad sometimes, I try to remember how my mom would want me to be. She wouldn't want me to stop living my life and be depressed during the days I have left. She would want me to make her proud and be a good person, and that's what I'm going to try to do. Treasure the memories you have with your mom, and never forget how much she loved you. She knows you loved her too, and wouldn't want you to feel any guilt. One thing we can be thankful for is that our moms' arenÂt suffering any longer, and they now have the most beautiful heavenly bodies. My mom couldn't handle anymore physical pain, and I'm grateful she doesn't have to be trapped inside that failing body anymore. I selfishly want her here with me of course, but she was too good of a person to endure so much pain. Remember, someday soon we will join our moms' again, and be reunited with big hugs from them! Try to make her proud everyday, and remember it's okay to cry too. We will always miss them, but death isn't the end. It's just a temporary separation until we join them again on the other side. Take care and remember you are not alone. You will get through this and always keep your mom's memory in your heart. She may be gone, but her love for you will never die. I wish you well, Lisa

Marie, Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I have been doing some research on so good books to read, thank you for the advice. I also called my insurance company today to get the name of a good therapist, I am hoping that will help. I do have 2 sisters, 3 sons and several very close cousins. I just feel so bad calling them and crying all the time. I know they are all there for me as I am for them but like I said I hate getting them upset by hearing me upset. Pictures? I think you mean as in my family that passed? If so yes I have thousands. The only problem I am having is I had to hide all of the pictures as I cannot look at any of them. I feel so bad for doing that, it just hurts so bad to see them. I think a journal would be a good idea thank you for that suggestion. It was so odd that you said "I saw a pretty butterfly", I say this because a few days after my mom passed away I asked her to please come and visit me, I knew that she loved butterflies so I asked her if she could come visit me as a butterfly. I cannot tell you how many times I have been out on my deck or any place where I was thinking or crying about my Mom when out of nowhere a beautiful butterfly appears! I know that sounds crazy but it helps me to think my mom is around me. It does look like I am going to be going through a second divorce, I hate to say that because I am so against them, I just dont know what other choice I have. I have a 2 year old granddaughter and 2 year old grandson that have become my whole world, I dont mind being alone and watching them grow to be wonderful people. Its also interesting that you talked about volunteer work as I have been doing some research for my area on volunteer work, I am hoping that maybe I can keep my mind busy and at the same time help someone else. I just wish I knew how long it will take until I can get by just one day without crying for my family that has passed. I love them all dearly but like I said for some reason when my mom passed I feel like my heart just shattered. Thank you again for your kindness and good advice. I will update on this forum from time to time to let everyone know how I am doing. I was reading other stories this evening and my heart goes out to everyone who is going through the same thing. I tried to write to a few but just as I started the tears started. Just please anyone who knows this feeling or who has lost a loved one, I am thinking of you and understand how bad it hurts. Thank you again... have a wonderful week. Lorene

Marion, thanks for the kind words. Funny thing is my parents next door neighbor at their old house in Detroit is named Marion. And she was one of only a few people that called my mom on the phone to talk. My mom was blind for her last 15 years on Earth and the phone was a lifeline. I called her twice a day religiously and took her shopping (she loved to shop..even being blind..I would describe things to her and she would 'feel' them). I should call her friend Marion. Every summer I would take some of my homegrown tomatoes to her and I didn't do it this year (shame on me). Anyway, I have had several 'signs' from my mom. The first one was a couple of weeks after she passed. I was half asleep and wandered out to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get a drink. I heard a loud voice say 'DUANE'. And since I was a little groggy I said 'what?' I thought it might have been my wife. But I went back to the other end of the house and my wife was fast asleep. My mom got one word to send me from the other side. Just my name, but it was very surreal. Twice after that after awakening and lying in bed a strong smell permeated the room...it was like fresh cut flowers...very strong smelling..but natural..not perfumy. That scent stayed in the air for about a minute and a half...and as the flower scent faded I got just a whiff of fresh cinnamon. Those three events have convinced me there is another 'side' and somehow my mom was able to get the word out. Thanksgiving 2006 the family was gathered for dinner in my mom and dads basement rec room. There was a knock on the window...3 knocks actually...knock knock knock. I ran upstairs and went outside...nobody there....then the phone rang...my sister has a friend who is a renowned psychic (I don't know her name) and she called to say she had a strong message come over from my mama. She said my mom said 'nice glasses' and I like the roses. We aren't sure what the rose comment was about, but my mom always insisted on drinking her diet coke out of a glass...and we were all drinking out of tin cans (I know..on Thanksgiving?) and we are sure she was either being sarcastic about our choice of dinnerware...or not..because both my dad and I were wearing new eyeglasses..his new and I had on an old pair that was taped up (pending my new pair from the optometrist). I also had a dream where my mom was lying dead ....and I cried and begged her to return to life...and she did...and then she said to me 'Duane...it's not good'. I hope she meant it wasn't good I brought her back...and not it wasn't good on the other side. That still bothers me. All for now. We are supposed to get 7-12 inches of snow over the next day and I better make sure the snowblower is in working order. I hope everyone has a good weekend and makes it through the holiday season. Cry when you need to, but try to find joy in the season. Remember earth is just a stepping stone on our spiritual journey. This is not the end, but just the beginning. Duane

Vickey-MN, my feeling is contrary to that of so many. To me, true friends are far more important than family. Sharing a gene pool means nothing if they are slimeballs. Sometimes the gene pool needs some chlorine and you're just the person to give it what it needs! You know right from wrong and you have not only the courage to stand up, but actually HAVE stood up for what is right, even to your own detriment. I first said "possible detriment", but changed it. You have been damaged. I know how it hurts you to take sides against your family. Oh, how I know the conflicting feelings. I'm sure you've shed more than a tear and had some sleepless nights over this. I'm sure you've had an upset stomach or something too. Doubtless your blood pressure doesn't need the strife. But I also know how good you must feel knowing you're doing what's RIGHT. And that takes guts that few people have. What really makes me respect you Vickey-MN, is that you don't just take a quick view, form an opinion and go off on it. You've agonized over it, you've considered it carefully. You've rationally reasoned out that there's other possibilities. You've weighed the evidence and made a calm and logical decision. Not a lot of people do that. Though we have never met, I feel confident that you are doing the right thing. You're following not just your mind, not just your heart but both coupled with logic. So, hold your head high. Stand tall, be proud. You are a rare person and one of which this world sorely needs more. Not just a hug here, but a pat on the back to ya! I know that what you're going through is not easy. But hang in there. You know you're doing the right thing. You wouldn't do it otherwise. And your friends know you're doing the right thing too! Have a great week and don't let the stress make you forget to change your clocks!