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bulldinkie

How Do I Handle This One??

12 years ago

At dialysis theres awoman maybe 60 shes got her nose in everybodys business including mine.Ihad lapband surgery to lose weight for a kidney transplant.She wanted it but her insurance wont cover it,she did have kidneytransplant but it failed.Shes on first group Im in second when I come in shes in waiting room comes over.Its about 25 people sitting there.Shell say you look bad,next day you look sick,next day you look tired,really tired on and on .One day my lunch didnt agree I threw up before I went in .She says oh you & your hubby fighting you look like you were crying.What did he do to you? .I said I threw up..geeze.She told a nurse this am doesnt kim look bad?Ive been trying to keep quiet not to upset all the elderly people or she would have gotten it by now.

I told her one day I said Ilost weight,Im on transplant list,I met my goal Im happy.but she dont quit.Shes a troll. Im really tired of being assessed every day what does she think we're doing in there?I need to say something to shut her down.

When this all started she kept telling me how bad she needs money.Every day I went inI said my hubby and I gave out a lot of money to help people out didnt get any back, no more..can anyone help before I just lose it..I think shes mad I lost weight Im on list I think thats what all this is about,I guess she figured shell bring me down I wont have either,not gonna happen.

Comments (48)

  • 12 years ago

    It would be easy for me.........she isn't a friend. you don't like her so tell her to mind her own business and stay out of yours. Tell her you don't care to have any more contact with her at all. Why should you be worrying about her or how to tell her, she obviously has no thought to your well being....tell her off and be done with her.

  • 12 years ago

    I think if I were you, I would just ignore her. There really isn't anything kind you can say to her that will make her stop with the negativity. And I doubt you'll feel good about being mean or nasty. That would just bring you down to her level. I know, easier said than done. But if you are determined not to let the things she says get to you, just let it roll off you back and act like you can't hear her.

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  • 12 years ago

    First of all, you need to stay calm. You don't want to get in a yelling match with her. Just calmly say:

    "How I look or feel is none of your business and frankly we are ALL tired of your negative opinions. So just go sit down and be quiet and leave the rest of us alone." Then turn away from her and ignore her.

  • 12 years ago

    Is it possible to bury your nose in a book? I'd quit answering her, but I know that's easier said than done. Don't look at it as her trying to "bring you down", think of it as her showing you her weaker side...AKA...jealousy towards you!

  • 12 years ago

    First, tell her this is none of your business and you would appreciate it if she would keep her opinions to herself. If that fails, discuss it with the staff and have someone there talk to her and tell her how it upsets the clients. If she continues, just tell her to shut up.

  • 12 years ago

    Boy she really is a toxic person you don't need! Talk about someone who always looks at a glass as half empty.

    Whatever you do, do not let her get you down.

  • 12 years ago

    I would tell the head nurse that you feel she is violating your HIPAA rights and violating your privacy. Considering that HIPAA violations carry fines of up to $250,000 the facility should make sure that patients are comfortable, secure, and assured that they have privacy. Doesn't sound like that's happening. Good luck, make a stink. I would.

  • 12 years ago

    Shell say you look bad,next day you look sick,next day you look tired,really tired on and on .
    I'd 'try' and smile and say, "I'm really feeling pretty good today. How are you today?"

  • 12 years ago

    Well, you sure don't need that stuff. I imagine she is envious that you are doing so well and, sadly, that's how some people handle it. I'm sure if you said anything to her she'd just say she was concerned about you.

    But she crossed the line when she brought your DH into it. How dare she assume he "did something to you". That would've been the end of her right then. She has no right to say something like that.

  • 12 years ago

    If she speaks directly to you, whatever she says, you respond with a smile and say a few nonsense things about the weather. Something like "isn't this weather something? Warm one day, cool the next. Never know what to do.......", and go on and on, not letting her get a word in edgewise.
    Ramble on until she turns her attention away from you.

  • 12 years ago

    I would laugh and tell her I felt pretty good until I talked to her and walk away.....or, I would tell her "We're not at dialysis because we're in the best of health, you included".

  • 12 years ago

    Please take it up with the manager of the clinic. This woman is violating your privacy, and that's unacceptable. Present the info to the manager or supervisor, and request that your time/date gets changed and that someone explain to this woman that she is bothering other patients.

    It's the clinic's responsibility to make all their patients comfortable, and this woman is making that impossible.

  • 12 years ago

    One day she said I really looked bad,I said ya know I treached my goal,lost the weight Im on the list,I feel great...didnt work,we passed each other in the hall one day she stayed to see how much I weigh now imagine.
    I dont want to cause problems because we had to sign a note if we dont follow rules they can make us leave the facility.Its killing me to not just tell her off,It would make for an awkward time till I get my kidney,having to see her..

  • 12 years ago

    And I'd take a little hand held voice recorder with me next time. After an attck you can replay someof it and tell her you're tking this to your attorney, the staff and any other agency that would like to be involved.Almost forgot either before of after say Hey I forgot your name care to share it?
    (so it will be on the recording)

  • 12 years ago

    Why is she always there when you are there? Could you reschedule your time?

    I would not take time trying to think of clever answers or ways to reply, because this woman cannot be stopped except by ignoring her. She is not listening to your replies.

    I agree with what Sushipup said.

  • 12 years ago

    If you don't want to say anything to her then go and tell the head nurse of manager........she's crossed the line and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

  • 12 years ago

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Not what you need. As others have suggested, I'd report it to the proper person at the clinic and hopefully they will handle it.

    I saw this quote this week and you may need to use it. :)

    "Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again."

  • 12 years ago

    Good one, mammie!

    bulldinkie, are you saying she stood around waiting and observing while you were getting weighed? If so, that is WAY OUT OF LINE and the person weighing you should have told her to back off. If she does that again, I'd suggest you ask her to give you some privacy!

  • 12 years ago

    Ignore her. Just because you see her every day and you're thrown together, it doesn't mean you have to be nice or be her friend. I would speak to a social worker, nurse or doctor at dialysis and ask to be moved as far from her schedule as possible. Explain the situation, I'm sure they will understand.

  • 12 years ago

    I don't like the sound of this at all. You need protection
    because you are being bullied and this affects your overall health. After I tell you I am very sorry this is happening to you I want you to go ask for help and protection from the staff. Start at the top of the staff if you want to. When you tell them how long you have taken this they will understand why you asked them. The lower supervisors will not take it upon themselves because they are hoping that one of you goes away. You can tell them you need help NOW and that if this continues you want Adult Protective Services brought in to take care of you because this woman is bullying you and you are scared of her and your health is being affected. You don't have to be afraid or annoyed by this aggressive behavior anymore. Got it.

  • 12 years ago

    I'd still take a tape recorder

  • 12 years ago

    Im not scared of her Im 6' shes 5' maybe,round .Im just saying shes in everyones business.She pretends shes sleeping and listens to nurses conversations then goes out in waiting room and spreads the news.
    I have told the dr whats going on,he asked why I park where I do to get away from her.I said do you understand he said oh yeah,Ive told nurses and the dr.Also a nurse that I am pretty close to said the other day she had this woman and the woman said dont you think Kim looks bad.She said who do you mean she explained (me.)Quite a few patients overheard her and commented to me about it.
    Yes I was getting on the scale she was leaving ,she came right over and stood next to the scale to see what I weighed.

  • 12 years ago

    BD, she is pathetic!

    You don't have to put up with that crap.
    I agree with all of the above come backs & comments. AND I think a phone call or in face visit w/the office manager explaining how she's infringing on your privacy.

    I especially liked the "found your nose" line. haha!!!

  • 12 years ago

    I hope you or the clinic workers can do something about her behavior. Whatever happens, she'll be bitter that she's been asked to leave you alone, so she'll make a point of trying to make you feel bad and embarrassed. I'm thinking that she'll go to other people near you and complain loudly about you, and that type of thing. That's how bullies work. You'll just have to ignore it and she'll eventually stop, once she sees that she's not getting a reaction from you. Then she'll leave you alone for good, I hope.

    Good luck, and let me add, you look FANTASTIC today, Bulldinkie!

  • 12 years ago

    I believe my approach would be ...

    Why would you say something like that? Every one of us here, is here for the same reason ... we want to stay alive.

    Why in the world would you tell ANYONE in this position, that they looked bad? I don't understand.

    I would think, if you said a variation of that each time she made a nasty comment, that she'd move on to someone else.

    And if she came over while you're stepping on a scale ... step off. Give her a pointed look and don't get back on until she leaves. If needed, tell the nurse who is weighing you, that XXXX needs to move away before you'll get on the scale.

    You really don't have to be confrontational, just don't allow her to control the conversation.

    You've been doing all the right things, Kim ... everything the doctors have told you to do, even when you didn't want to, or when it was wearing you down. You've been amazing.

  • 12 years ago

    I think Stoney's advice is right on the mark. You don't have to say the things in a mean voice, just quizzically, as if you're genuinely confused as to why she would say/do those things (I sure am!).

    As Stoney said, "Why would you say something like that? Every one of us here, is here for the same reason ... we want to stay alive. Why in the world would you tell ANYONE in this position, that they looked bad? I don't understand."

    And then wait to hear how she responds. And repeat it in various but similar words every time. Remember - not mean, just sincerely asking.

    Yep - everything that Stoneybaloney said.

    Keep us posted as to how it works out!

  • 12 years ago

    As far as watching while you weigh in or during any other procedure, and repeating what she hears the nurses talking about, There is such a strong emphasis on HIPPA, that it should be a non-issue. They shouldn't be discussing anything about a patient within earshot of her or anyone else. I've been told by a hospital nurse that some have lost their jobs because of relaying info to relatives/friends of patients that was considered private under HIPPA.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that the STAFF SHOULD BE TAKING THIS BULL BY THE HORNS AND SHUTTING HER UP, and if possible keeping her separate from the other patients. They should also be more careful about being overheard while discussing patients.

  • 12 years ago

    Ditto to what Stoney said.

    (((((Kim))))) You amaze me dear lady. All the best to you.

  • 12 years ago

    It doesn't look like the medical staff are discussing Kim at least Kim hasn't said so. It is Mrs. Nosy that is making the comments. The scale should be moved to an area where others can't overhear or see the weigh-ins. My guess is that Mrs. Busy-Body would find a way to discover the result by snooping by a door.

    As Kim states, she is doing this to everyone.

    Kim is in a difficult situation here. If she complains to management, it might put Kim in a bad light and it may not be in her best interests to rock the boat with the medical staff.

    My feeling Kim is that you may have to tell Mrs. Nozy directly to her face that your health is none of her business and you would appreciate it if she didn't spread gossip around. You don't want to hear ever again that she has been discussing you behind your back. I'd pull her aside to say this to her so that others didn't hear. When I was working I always did say that if I had a problem with someone, I would tell them to their face what was wrong and give them a chance to change, before I went further with a complaint.

  • 12 years ago

    I also think Stoney and Heather have the right idea. It is amazing how that sentence "Why would you say something like that etc." works more than harsh words or flip remarks (altho it might feel good to say them!). Been married forever, and FINALLY learned that THAT remark stops DH dead in his tracks when he is just wanting to "get me" if you know what I mean. Sometimes people say things without really realizing that they are causing hurt feelings. With DH, my voice and body language also show that I am really questioning his motive when he says hurtful things....and usually that is not his intention and it makes him stop and think. (sometimes he means it, but also has to rethink his remark) Anyway, it is a very useful remark.

    So sorry it is happening to you and I am glad that you have vented a bit here and I hope all the good advice helps your situation. You know that we all think you are on a remarkable journey and we are pulling for you every day. ((((Hugs))))) Nanny

  • 12 years ago

    This woman saw nurses looking up a flower at work ,she went to head nurse complained they shut off internet,she thrives on peoples misery,my daughter said just wait outside the door let her have it.Just tell her its gonna stop.Ill probably see her tomorrow,Everybody there tells me how good I look then she comes along.

  • 12 years ago

    Awful!

    So how will you handle it when you see her tomorrow?

  • 12 years ago

    Do you have any *other* mental cases there at dialysis?

    Tell the staff this person is harassing you and how she is doing it, and ask what they will do to keep her out of your business. If nothing happens, go higher. In the meantime, IGNORE her. Don't speak to her. Don't respond to her. Remove yourself from her presence. Color her 'not there'.

  • 12 years ago

    Chisue - My point exactly. The staff should be handling this. It shouldn't be BD's problem to deal with. Are the inmates running the asylum?

  • 12 years ago

    Next time just tell her politely that you'd prefer it if she just let you alone and not speak to you. You'd rather make this a quiet time for yourself. If that doesn't work tell the staff they'll have to change something so that she's not there to bother you.

  • 12 years ago

    I disagree with everyone who says this is Kim's problem to handle. As I stated earlier, HIPAA violations can be fined up to $250,000.00. If Kim would tell the head nurse or clinic manager that XX is violating her HIPAA rights, that behavior would stop lickety-split. I can guarantee you of that. Please take my advice, Kim, and demand your right to privacy. This problem is not going to go away until you make it an issue to someone who has the authority to do something about it.

  • 12 years ago

    I agree with sushipup. Me personally, I would ignore her, to the point of me turning my back to her even. Let her talk to herself for a while and unless she's tragically an imbecile, she'll realize she's having a one-way convo.

  • 12 years ago

    Hi BD,

    Have you tried "THE LOOK"?

    Have you practised it, lately?

    Think that such might work ... or would it just roll off of her back?

    ole joyful

  • 12 years ago

    I tried all, I wouldnt look at her while shes talking,had my back to her only for her to say I like the back of your hair!!!!!!!It just wont end,Ill either just tell her its got to stop,or I might just go in ask to see The social worker..Im done though, no more.I didnt want to just lose it front of all those elderly people,I bit my tongue hard,but its gonna stop tomorrow.

  • 12 years ago

    How did Mrs. Nosy find out about the lapband surgery in the first place? Did Kim tell her? If she found out by overhearing the staff talking, then Kim has a right to complain. If Kim told her in a patient to patient conversation, then it puts a different light on the whole topic. My guess is a lot of this started as friendly conversations in the waiting room and now it has gotten out of hand with a lot of jealousy thrown in.

    I can tell you that in the NICU waiting room, there is a lot of parent to parent conversations and comparing of babies and their conditions that goes on. When parents get together with one another on a daily basis, they get quite familiar with the medical conditions of each others babies. It isn't the staff that is telling them. They have eyes and ears and do get nosy too. It does become a problem.

    We don't know that the staff has conversed with Mrs. Nosy about Kim. They may have reminded her that they can't discuss Kim. We also don't know that the staff knows what is going on in the waiting room.

    If it were me, I would say to her, "You know it really bothers me that you continue to criticize how I look when I am really feeling quite well. Please keep these comments to yourself as my health is private." If it continues, then I would take it further.

    My only other suggestion would be to ask if your dialysis times can be changed so that you don't run into her.

  • 12 years ago

    I'll bet those elderly people will clap for you!

    I was going to suggest one of those headphone things we always see people walking around with in their ears. They look oblivious.

  • 12 years ago

    Everybody in there knew I had surgery & why???Im gonna give her the vulcan grip,theres a spot on your shoulder if you pinch hurts like the dickens,you can pass out.Hows that sound?No
    I tried everything..

  • 12 years ago

    You have gotten some good advice here. It is your choice to follow it or not. It doesn't seem you have tried everything, but it's hard to tell. Hope you can find a resolution to your problem.

  • 12 years ago

    If this woman is just another patient then she is not in violation of HIPAA. The entities that are governed by HIPAA are health care providers, health plans and insurance companies or medical clearinghouses.

    However she should be governed by common sense and a general sensitivity to others.

    Here is a link that might be useful: 'covered entities'

  • 12 years ago

    Hi B D,

    Don't ... repeat, don't ... touch her!

    If you can find a way to put her in her place, whether more or less gracefully, or substantially less so, I expect that the other residents of the waiting room will applaud you - you might even get a standing ovation.

    Try to find something about what she says that you can comment on, shifting it a bit, then to laugh about. And if that doesn't alleviate her forays into your affairs, see if something that she says can be shifted a bit so that you can laugh at it ... and her, at the same time: folks who take themselves really seriously like that can't stand to be laughed at!

    ole joyful

  • 12 years ago

    A good technique for dealing with difficult people is to never answer a question, no matter how direct. Don't answer the question, but ask a question....

    Why do you want to know?
    Is it important to you?
    Do you think that information is your business?

    Etc. But never answer the question asked in any way. If your are consistent, she will shut up, because she isn't getting what she wants from you. But be consistent!

  • 12 years ago

    The minute she approaches you, say "Wait, I know what you're going to say" (do this in a loud voice so all can hear you) then say what she usually says to you and then laugh. When she responds (and she will) say "you've told me this more times than I need to hear. Do you enjoy saying that because I don't enjoy hearing it" Then walk away.

  • 12 years ago

    Nitpicking, watered down responses will get her nowhere. This woman is not going to listen to reason or disparaging remarks. Why do so many of you think that this is BD's battle to fight? Doesn't she have enough on her plate than to have to deal with this BS???

    Bulldinkie, turn it over to the powers that be (management/supervisors) and let them deal with it. This is part of their job. Try to change your dialysis time if you have to so you don't have to deal with her.

    Here is a link that might be useful: How to deal with problems