I agree with you 100%...I think there's a major difference between the 2...One is being responsible, the other is, in my opinion, just plain crazy....My kids are all grown and married but I do have grand daughters that are in relationships and I would certainly hope they are responsible and I'm happy to say, not 1 of my 13 grands have taken up smoking.....

I think you did something right for her to came to you and tell you what she did. I was honest with my Mom about going to a club while they were away, she didn't punish me but she called my friends mom and told her and my friend was punished. I didn't share anymore. The thing about it was...it was nothing but an adventure, didn't want to go again and didn't. As far as the smoking goes I agree with you. Sex and smoking are very different issues.

dotmom, I think it's 2 different things. I don't think that you had double-standards. I agree with what you said. I think I would've told my daughter that, although I didn't approve of her activities (due to morals I'd hoped I'd instilled and emotional and physical risk issues), and would rather that she not engage in them, I would accept that she was active and that I was happy that she was being responsible. By the way, I would say the same to my son if he gave me the same information.

For my son (or daughter, if that were the case) who was smoking, yes - I would not make it at all easy for them to smoke. Not doing it in my house (heck - I wouldn't let the above-mentioned kids have SEX in my house, either!).

I'm in full agreement with you.

Suzieque

I think it may be unrealistic for us to expect our kids of this generation to remain virgins until marriage. That's not to say that some of them won't, or that we should be ok with promiscuity, but just that we have to be realistic about today's culture.

I think it's better to teach kids how to act responsibly than just to fold your arms and say "no sex!". Anyway, that's how I handled it with my kids. So I'm right on the same page with dotmom and I commend you for raising a daughter who both trusts you and feels comfortable enough with you to tell you this.

And I also agree with the smoking thing. I would completely flip out if one of my kids took up that habit. I think I'll never have that problem as they both have HATED cig smoke since they were little. But the point is, premarital sex CAN be handled safely and responsibly. Smoking is bad for you and for those around you no matter how it's handled.

As far as him sneaking off though, I would have probably made it crystal clear that I knew what he was doing, that I didn't like it, and that he was not to smoke anywhere on the premises. I don't own a barn, but I wouldn't want him smoking in there any more than in the house.

You know, when they get to a certain age, you parenting on some levels has ended. You've either gotten through or you haven't. For me, I know I can no longer control a lot of their behavior. I just have to hope that I've done things right all along. However, I can (and do) control what goes on in my own house (and property). So, while it might have been too late to stop him from smoking if he wanted to, I would have had no qualms in saying, OK, but not on my property!

Just to give perspective, my boys are age 20 and (almost) 23. They both have, up to now, acted responsibly in these matters and both do keep me informed as to what is going on in their lives.

I agree with you, Dotmom. I only had a girl but from the time she was little, I taught her that sex brought on responsibility. She never asked me for birth control, but if she had, I would have gotten it for her. She wasn't sexually active until she was 21, and met her current boyfriend that she has been with for almost 9 years. She is extremely conscientious about birth control. I also stressed the dangers of smoking. No one in our family smokes...except my father, who died in '68 and my brother who lived in Indiana and died a few years ago at 84. I taught her that not only was it a dangerous habit, it was smelly, causes you to age prematurely, and is very expensive. I am sure that when she went to college, she gave it a try, because I smelled it on her clothes. I was
paying for her college and a lot of her other expenses and I told her I was disappointed in her that she didn't use better judgment, and I didn't want my money going for that.
I know for a fact that she doesn't smoke now, and neither does her boyfriend. He is a reformed smoker and one of those really neat freaks...which has been good for her.

Hmmm... I kind of have to agree with your friends... I think a lot of it is about the age though... Would you have done differently if your daughter was 14? Or, you son 30?

Did you express condoms must still be used to your daugther --because many kids that age when they get on the pill will resort to not using condoms --and we all know that can sometimes create a bigger health concern than smoking.

I mean everyone can argue the point back and forth... but no 19 year old girl has to be having sex IMHO... I was in a sorority and many remained virgins... and it really did usually come down to the fact if the kids where raised in families with it being ok or not. I hate "the kids are going to do it anyway" argument --sorry, but it's not true--they will be though if you have that attitude. Many 13 year olds are having sex now so should we be condoning it at that age? What age is it ok to condone sex? What age is it ok to accept that someone smokes (you know, because many kids are going try that too)?

OK, so to clarify, I didn't mean "the kids are going to do it anyway". I didn't mean "the 19 yo kids are going to do it anyway" or "the 13 yo kids are going to do it anyway".

What I'm saying is that there is a greater chance they are going to do it before marriage than there used to be, in great part due to the fact that they are getting married at much older ages than in the past.

Although some will, I don't expect most people to remain virgins until they are married at age 30 or later. I don't think having this expectation is the same as saying that if a 13 yo is going to do it anyway, I condone it.

Right or wrong, you did exactly what I would have done. Your daughter is being responsible, your son is not. You cannot control your son's behavior, but you can tell him you strongly disapprove and that some day he will be very, very sorry.

My first thought was that you handled both perfectly. On second thought, I wish you'd offered to get your DS help to quit smoking -- or required that he try. (If you discovered he was doing any other 'drug' you would have done more than say he couldn't use it in your presence, right?)

I had a friend who's philosophy on underage drinking was "they'll be drinking anyway, so I'd rather have them here where I can watch out for them." One of her sons ended up being the drunk driver who killed one young woman (just graduated from college), maimed another, and injured two others. She still has her head in the sand about this kind of thing, about her part in the young man's mindset.

A terrible, terrible tragedy for everyone.

Wow, I didn't expect so many responses. First, it was 30 yrs ago when my daughter came to me, a different time, health-wise, in my opinion, so I really didn't think of condoms. I just was glad she thought to protect her self against getting PG. She wasn't "sleeping around" she had a steady boyfriend. Actually, her romance with him lasted a couple years. Then she met her, now husband. Just a side note about that....it was obvious she was no longer on the pill after getting married, because she has 3 babies in 3 years. Then she convinced her hubs to 'get fixed', LOL
As for the son's smoking, no I wouldn't allow him to smoke in the house, but his Dad smoked so preaching would have been difficult but he knew what I thought of it and that smoking had killed my mother. So if he wanted to do it, he had to go through the trouble to sneak.

I'm with you dotmom.

You instill values in your kids long before age 19 and they are going to do what they are going to do at that age. I think your daughter acted responsibly and that the fact that she confided in you showed that she trusted you and that you had raised her well. Like someone else mentioned, I do hope she also knew to use a condom as well. You know, when I was that age our parents worried we would get pregnant if we had sex. Now you have to worry that your kids will be exposed to AIDS and that's a whole different worry!

I also agree about not approving a child (even an adult child) smoking. I wouldn't make it easy for them and I wouldn't tell them it was ok to do it in my home.

It has nothing to do with the sex of the child.

My daughter and son are 31 and 28 years old. Neither of them smoke and I don't believe either tried it. They were too grossed out by the videos they were shown in school of a smoker's lungs. Their dad and I never smoked, so they were never exposed to it at home either. Sex, I'm not so sure about. I know neither of them had sex as a teenager. Both are married now (for several years) and I expect both had sex before marriage and I never talked about it with them at that time but I expect they handled it responsibly. All the talking had been done years before then and they had a good solid education and good morals.

My 15 year old step daughter is a different matter. She'll never smoke. I know that. Her mom died when she was 11, of COPD. She had to watch and live through that and she hates smoking with a passion.

She doesn't like drinking either.

She has, however, been 'dating' since she was 12. I wouldn't have allowed that, but I wasn't in the picture then. By the time I was in her life, she had been dating for several years. Keep in mind, that at that age, dating was hanging out with the boyfriend in a group setting. They don't actually go out on dates, but they feel the bond. I think starting 'dating' too early, in any fashion, leads to more in depth feelings at a younger age, more pressure, more chance of early sex. Her dad had even told her (back at 12 or 13) that he wanted her to come to him before she became sexually active, and he would help her get birth control pills. I'm all for the responsibility he showed but NOT at that age! I'd have held off on the dating until probably late 14 or maybe 15. I'd have helped her stay a child a little longer. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she has not had sex at this point, but I'm also sure she has 'experimented'. I also know she is under a lot of pressure, from previous boyfriends as well as her current boyfriend (who is a nice guy and who we approve of).

She's not mentally mature enough to handle sex. She is responsible and mature, yes, but not to handle the depth of commitment and possible hurt that having sex would open her up to. She and I talk, when the moment is right, from time to time, and I try to instill good values and common sense. Sometimes it seems to work :-)

I hope she holds off at least a couple more years. I worry about her like she was my own baby and I love her dearly. I wish I'd had more of her growing up years to nurture and love and teach her.

I think you did right. I don't like smoking by anyone so smoking would not have been allowed in my house.

I raised my kids to have responsible sex when THEY were ready and I was not disappointed. Taught both my DS and DD the same. Told them only to have sex when they decided it was time and both parties were equally willing. Also stressed the importance of using their own birth control and not relying on what their partner said. I did stress that my son should use a condom even if the girl was on BC and the same for my DD.

I knew I did a good job when one morning my DS awakened me early to say he needed to borrow my car. He had a condom failure and even though they were using double protection he wanted to get the morning after pill immediately.

My DD didn't become sexually active until after high school. I think giving them "permission" to have sex in many ways takes the pressure off.

Neither of my kids smoked because they knew both DH and I quit for them. We figured we couldn't expect them to do something that we did ourselves.

They both tried pot of course but never got into it. DS did the cigar thing for a time but it didn't last long.

They both had lots of exposure to drugs and other alternative lifestyles but didn't fall into the stuff. Both have minds of their own and use them. I never censored their friendships because I trusted the foundation I'd built for them. They didn't disappoint me.

When my kids were pre teen we had "the talk" and I also told the neighbor girls about sex and the responsibilities that go with it.....yes, their parents knew I was going to talk to them.
When DD was 17 she told me she needed to see the gynecologist in our office (I worked in a large medical clinic)
so I set up the appointment. After her appointment she came upstairs to tell me how nice the doc was and how much info he gave her and wanted to know if we had any samples for BC's. I thought she would be embarrassed to tell me in front of the other nurses.
Two of the neighborhood girls came to me to tell me they were sorry they hadn't taken my advise and they were pregnant. Both were 18 and the father of one of the babies was only 15.
I feel knowledge is power.

If a child results from pre-marital sexual adventures, seems to me that both parents should bear equal responsibility ... and with DNA testing, lying (or claiming that the girl had multiple partners) gets a bit difficult.

Takes two to tango.

ole joyful

I'm very liberal when it comes to teen sex and I raised my DS and DD from their very early years that sex was normal but came with a huge responsibility along with a need to respect oneself and their chosen partner(s). The knowledge they carried not only kept them from early parenthood and STDs but also had the effect of them waiting longer than many kids to have sexual relations.

We have a non smoking household so smoking was zero tolerance. if they smoked they would have had to go do the nasty deed elsewhere. If we were a smoking household that would have been hypocritical but we weren't.

Neither took up smoking. DS did take up fine cigars for a bit but it a was something he only did for a year or so and not in our house.

So I don't believe you are practicing a double standard at all Dotmom. You are keeping you DD safe and making it harder for your DS to bring harm to himself.

Sorry for the double post. Didn't realize I'd responded earlier.