i got a very big approval rating for my kitchen

13 years ago

this may not seem like a big deal and to be perfectly honest, i'm not sure WHY it is to me, but MY MOTHER IN LAW LOVES MY KITCHEN. she was here yesterday and did a walk through. she told me today she didn't say anything then but she can't stop thinking about how beautiful it is, and i am elated.

what the hell is wrong with me? of course it's nice when people compliment but coming from her, it's just ...i don't know! what??

when dh and i bought our first home 18 years ago it was a dump. a big, old, ugly dump with a fantastic floor plan and stunning original wood work. it took us ten years to completely restore and renovate and when we were finished it was beautiful. but "too dark" for MILs tastes. my own mother (now passed) never really got to see the finished outcome but when we bought it she expressed her dismay as well.

why the hell do i care? should i go back to therapy?? (oh, God. please say "NO"!)

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Comments (25)

pinch_me
13 years ago
Did you die and go to heaven or is the world going to end today? Must be one or the other! Lucky you, she actually said it to you.
dianalo
13 years ago
I'd have to renovate if my mil liked my kitchen. She is the one who said she does not like antiques because to her, they are just old things.
She is not welcome in my house, so the issue won't come up ;)
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lavender_lass
13 years ago
Kate- I think, maybe, you answered your own question. Your own mother never got to see your finished kitchen, so maybe that's making this even more special.

Since your mom and MIL both didn't see the full potential of your home, having your MIL recognize all that you've done and really appreciate it...I'm guessing your mom would feel the same way.

I'm very happy for you! Congratulations and job well done :)

By the way, have you posted any pictures, because I'd love to see it, too!
plllog
13 years ago
You're worried because you're happy that someone close to you loves your kitchen? I would be thrilled if anybody couldn't stop thinking about my kitchen at all, let alone for its beauty (and mine is a love it or hate it kind of place). How much better is it that it's someone who is close enough to you to give you her totally unvarnished, unfiltered opinion of what you've done? You've suffered with her dislike of your endeavors when they don't please her; why shouldn't you enjoy it when she loves what you've done?

I'd worry about you if you weren't over the moon.
kateskouros
Original Author
13 years ago
ok. i think i'm better now. thank you!

lavendar lass: we're not in the old house anymore. we're building a new home. we turned an outstanding profit on it's sale and when dh told his mother she said, "you should have waited for more." HA! never was able to gain her approval. i posted a few progress pics on this thread:
http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/kitchbath/msg112243025801.html

pillog: you're right. as always thank you for your very reasonable and sound words.
honorbiltkit
13 years ago
While I certainly understand why your MIL's opinion has to loom large in your consciousness one way or another, Kate, what I really want to hear about is the opinion of your neighbor BRUUUUUUUUUCE.

Cheers and happy playing in your acres of stunning marble.
juliekcmo
13 years ago
OK....are we talking about a "Bossy" neighbor here? Do tell! We are big fans.

Your kitchen is spectacular. Scale, color, light, finishes. layout. It's just breathtaking. I can't imagine anything better in the space.

Also, I want to thank Kateskouros for posting, especially at Thanksgiving time. I want to go on record that I have the world's best MIL, and is nice to be reminded by my good internet friends that it is a true blessing.
macybaby
13 years ago
I think I'd need therapy if I got done with my dream kitchen and my MIL actually liked it. DH and I consider her a "negative indicator" if she likes something, than we can expect that we won't.

So if she loved my kitchen, I'd be worried that I'd end up hating it.
houseful
13 years ago
What a wonderful feeling! Your kitchen IS beautiful! And I'm sorry about your mom. :(
formerlyflorantha
13 years ago
Am very glad that you heard the words and that they were said sincerely. How wonderful. For both of you. You would need psychiatric help if you chose not to listen to them.

I can empathize. Here's my story:

Mom age 87 has only been here once since the kitchen remodel began in earnest a year ago. Otherwise, she's only seen it from a car window on the street. I forced her to visit the kitchen for the first time in August, er, ah, well, trapped her into it actually. I backed up the car into the garage (had previously cleaned out a walkpath, since it's a working workshop for DIY until further notice), offloaded her and her walker. Then she entered up two steps, whining and shouting that I was going to make her fall, but when she got in, she was dumbfounded. Yet, "Well, I guess this better be big enough for you" was her only real comment. Thanks, Mom.

Wish me well--we're having her here for Thanksgiving meal tomorrow. After that Aug. visit, she refused to help me with planning handicap access railings on our newly poured front step when the weather was good, so I missed the prime moment--darn it anyway--and we still don't have the grab bars at the front. DH will be here to help her with garage stairs and she'll have to come in the same way as last time, probably kicking and screaming. But at least she'll have some real experience in this place and will be able to roam about with less fear. (Crossing my fingers in hope.) But all she will probably see is the unfinished parts, the dust, the haphazard and temporary placements of stuff, the missing mouldings and the cracks in the old plaster and the jarring joints between floorings, all magnified by the fear-mongering weather predictors. I'm already braced for that.

--a daughter who understands complexities of family relationships and new kitchens
rococogurl
13 years ago
It's a huge deal, going on for a long time. It's your baby, your taste on the line. You want everyone to love it and if she does it means the DH won't get any static -- quite the opposite.

Sure it means a lot. And it's always nice when someone is truly happy for you, especially someone in the family.
dianalo
13 years ago
Wow, Florantha, your mother is lucky you are even inviting her to your home.
Some words jumped out of your story about her, such as:
"whining", "shouting", "kicking and screaming", "refused to help me", and how you are already "braced" for her visit.

I am grateful that I woke up 6 years ago and gave myself permission to not associate with negative people any longer. I had spent over 9 years trying to make it work with my mil and she was getting progressively nastier to deal with. My own parents put me through 39 years of trouble before I freed myself of them as well. It was sad to finally acknowledge I did not have the family I needed, but very freeing to realize that they never would be and to try any longer was counterproductive. I am an adult and do not need their approval or involvement to live a full life. In fact, my life is so much happier since I took the trouble and drama out of it.

I will spend my Thanksgiving with my immediate family and will be grateful that I do not have to spend my holiday or any other day with people who do not wish well for me. I did not realize the enormity of stress I had been carrying around until it was lifted. I may have some of the same blood as my parents, but that does not mean I have to spend my life with people who I do not like or respect and who are miserable to be around. Ditto for the monster-in-law.

Just a little food for thought the day before we all eat for real and think about what we are grateful for ;)
holligator
13 years ago
Why do we do these things to ourselves?? I am actually lucky to have an incredibly sweet MIL who would never, ever say a bad thing about me or my house. But, what do I do? I worry that she may think bad thoughts--oh, horrors! What is THAT about?! The thing is, I know she is an immaculate housekeeper and I am not, so I worry whenever she visits that she sees some dirt or dust that I don't even notice. Yes, families are weird, and the effects they can have on us are weirder. Congrats, Kate, on what was certainly very well deserved and overdue praise from your MIL!
chicagoans
13 years ago
Congrats Kate! This is hitting home for me as it came at a moment when I was kind of feeling sorry for myself (OK, actually feeling kind of pi$$y) because of our Sunday dinner with the in-laws. For over a decade now, it's always been us and only us who host family dinners for the in laws (parents, siblings, spouses and kids.) Since that's the case we've started hosting DH's side a few days before the holiday and my side (rotating with sis, cousin, aunts) on the holiday. Why not... we're doing all the work and paying for all the food; we pick the day.

So I figure, the in-laws can help, right? Well I asked for an appetizer, and SIL brought... a bag of TOSTITOS! Yes, for Thanksgiving. (Should I mention that she doesn't work and I work full time?) BIL and sons showed up early; I was folding laundry and DH wasn't home.

I'm crazy about DH, but his family... well they just make me crazy.
drjoann
13 years ago
Kate - you've been through so much with this build that I'm glad your mind has been eased by getting your MIL's approval.

I know we're going to have a similar situation when DH's brother & SIL come to visit the new house. Most people would be hurt if they got no comments about their new home (or reno or whatever) from a close relative. But, we will be relieved because if SIL doesn't say anything that means she hasn't said all the hurtful, nasty things that she could. We've braced for it & accepted that is just her way. I'm just thankful that I can enjoy life and not be perpetually miserable and trying to foist that on others.

I had only seen your kitchen from the build forum so it was nice to follow the link, above, to see more of the kitchen. What a marvelous job you've done. Marble heaven ... drool!

Jo Ann
bmorepanic
13 years ago
My step mother came over for the first time and saw the mostly finished kitchen and said she hated it. She enumerated why too. Yikes.

I was devastated for a bit. I understand completely about getting validation from a former critic.
dianalo
13 years ago
Chicagoans - if you have hosted every single family/holiday meal for your in laws, then you are part of the problem. Why should they bother shopping, cooking and cleaning if they have someone who will do it for them every time? They have now shown you how much they value your contribution. I'd announce quite clearly very soon that you have done your share and that should cover your end of things for a few years. Ask who will be stepping up to do Xmas. If no one does, then no ones has Xmas dinner that side of the family. Choosing what day you have it is a small silver lining, but why put yourself out year after year, resenting it, if no one appreciates your effort?
When dh and I had a small co-op in our early days, we'd always show up with a pre-approved homemade dish (or more) and a bottle of something or another hostess gift on holidays. We expressed our gratitude and made sure to start hosting when we got our own place. Guests have a responsibility to express their gratitude and be as helpful as they are allowed to be. Anyone (family) who does not pitch in either beforehand or during is showing poor form.

Drjoann - I find that if someone says something nasty, the best response is "now, why would you say something as hurtful as that?" and then do not say another word as they try to explain. If no one calls out a bully on their behavior, then it will continue.

Maybe it is getting older (crankier), but my tolerance for people treating me poorly is not what it used to be. I used to steam internally and let it ruin my day until I realized that if I offend someone who hurt my feelings by telling them they hurt my feelings, then who cares about them being upset at that point? I also think that as a parent, you set an example of how to allow people to treat you. Kids see and hear more than we think and if we show them boorish behavior from relatives and act like it is ok because that is "just how he/she is" then that tells them they can act like a jerk with no real consequences. I try to teach through words but also by example. I may be less popular now with people who act like jerks, but that does not bother me any more. The people who I like and respect do not make it a habit to act like jerks.
pinch_me
13 years ago
dianalo, You've nailed it. -my tolerance for people treating me poorly is not what it used to be.-

My philosophy is: Insult me or take advantage of me and I'll let you know it had better never happen a second time! If it upsets you, too bad, you started it.
kateskouros
Original Author
13 years ago
oh my God. i didn't realize i would be creating an emotional outlet with this post. it wasn't my intention and i'm just so touched by all of your kind words. i'm a bit teary here. my husbands parents are very dear people. they are kind and considerate and generous. they take care of our children and spend as much time with them as is possible for a woman of 78 and gentleman of 89. thankfully they are in good health and physically able to take care of themselves as well as spend summers at their family home in greece. so while MIL was often critical of our old home, there was never any malice intended.

they are just so different from my parents. and i often don't know how to fit in. i sometimes feel distanced from my own children, since their experience thus far has been so vastly different from my own childhood. it is a happy unit for sure. i never knew how to operate within a family so find myself taking cues from them. i know none of this makes sense.

i am so grateful and relieved to learn so many of you have learned to live your lives happily; without the toxic madness that is sometimes our very own immediate family. and indeed my kitchen ...albeit my home serves as respite away from the chaos outside of its doors. for me specifically it represents my claim to happiness and successful relationships.

ok. there it is. i always seem to get a little weepy around the holidays. i was not prepared for this at all. a very happy thanksgiving to you all. it seems this forum is far more than kitchen talk.
flwrs_n_co
13 years ago
Kate, enjoy the hard earned compliments. Your kitchen is really beautiful! My mom is our only parent left and we all cherish her. She lives 5 minutes away and will be joining us tomorrow (we see here frequently as you might guess). That said, DH and I both had/have great relationships with our in-laws. I miss my in laws and my dad.

Dianalo, I'm glad you were able to separate yourself from the pain family was causing. My DIL is from a very toxic family. She's trying to separate herself, but it is very hard as we're out of state but her family lives relatively near. DS supports her efforts but they just won't let go. The pain her family causes her breaks my heart.

I think the holidays frequently seem to bring out the need for a family therapist! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!
doonie
13 years ago
kateskouros, Happy Thanksgiving to you! I am very happy for you that you got positive validation from close family members. It means a ton even though all this kitchen renovating or building is only "stuff", we all put a lot of ourselves into it. I love your new kitchen. It is elegant and gorgeous and I enjoy seeing your photos of progression.

dianalo, I am thankful that you are able to finally embark on your kitchen renovation and are sailing forward freed from negative people. I can't believe that people can be so cruel. Life is too short for us to try and swim through it with dead weights!

florantha, Your story touches my heart. I wish I could gather you and your mama up for a ginormous hug. I hope all goes very well for you on this Turkey Day!

chicagoans, Seriously?? A bag of Tostitos? That is horrible. I work full time too. I hear what you are saying and how upsetting all of it can be. I invited over a couple of friends the other night and spent all day cooking. She texted me (which I didn't get because...I was cooking!) and retexted me 3 times a half hour before that she wasn't coming because her husband's back hurt too much. Up until that time, she gave every indication she was coming. So, I wrote back that we could sit him up in front of the tv, with some wine, and they could dine and dash, she sent back "no", so then I said, "why don't you come by and just get a couple of plates then?" So, then she texts that they have already ordered takeout. And that was that. I held out hope she might call and say something the next day. No such luck. This is the same one who came to see my reno and I felt like she had a clip board and was severely judging everything. When she came over and looked at my vaulted eating area she actually said, "It turned out better than I expected. I thought it was just going to be a wierd box." That was it. DH is the only one I talked about this too, because I don't want to stir everything up and I need to let it go, but it does hurt. Anyway, sorry for going on and on, but I guess I needed to vent and like dianalo, I am going to shed the negative people.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a very wonderful family and awesome inlaws, although they all live very far away. It seems like that is the exception rather than the rule. Holidays can be very rough on us.

Happy Thanksgiving to all ya'all!

doonie
blondie859111
13 years ago
Well, I just checked out your kitchen and I can't stop thinking about how beautiful it is, either! Stunning!
(FYI- when I told my MIL I was planning a white kitchen, she said, "Oh, no dear, another room with no color?"
dianalo
13 years ago
Doonie - I like your phrase that "Life is too short for us to try and swim through it with dead weights!" I may have to borrow that, lol.

Chicagoans - your story reminds me of the saying "with friends like that...."

It is funny, but in the lead up to the holiday when people ask and hear me say that we have going out to a restaurant as just the 4 of us (dh & 2 sons), they seem to feel sorry for me. In truth, my dh and one son do not enjoy the full blown turkey with all the fixings dinner and our other son and I do. By going out, we each get what we want and it is easy. I much prefer our holidays since breaking free of the negative people. Dh brings the boys to visit the grandparents early in the day (he has fewer issues with them than I do) and I get some quiet time at the beginning of a 4 day weekend. I feel sorry for the people who are headed out for a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving and end up with family drama that is all too common. I don't think every gathering is like that, as I have spent many lovely Thanksgivings with friends and their families before I met my dh (my parents used to travel around Thanksgiving time), but when you speak to people after the big holidays and the stories start to flow, you hear about the feuds, hurt feelings, resentments and drunken uncles that are often as much a tradition as turkey.
I am grateful that I have a wonderful immediate family and we are all healthy and happy. I do have many nice in-laws, but those are not the ones we'd be with on Thanksgiving as they are not dealing with my mil anymore either. The only thing I do miss is I make a killer fresh cranberry sauce that while it comes out different every year, is always great. Even my non-Thanksgiving-food-loving dh mentioned that he misses that. I guess I will roast a chicken in the next few days and make a batch after all.
I am grateful to have a peaceful and fun meal with those I love most. Oh... and the not cleaning up afterward is a treat ;)

I hope everyone is enjoying their Thanksgiving with loved ones in whatever form it takes. May your turkey be juicy and the pumpkin pie be topped with whipped cream!
formerlyflorantha
13 years ago
Update on Mom's visit to our house for Thanksgiving...
She came in up new step and through the new front door, a helper at each arm. We tactfully thereafter avoided the topic of the entrance. She headed with her walker directly to dining room, plunked herself down in her designated seat at the table, and sat for the duration of the event. The kitchen was not mentioned and there was little comment about our house project in any form.

The afternoon went very well. Mom never got up to explore at all. She likes to feel secure. As long as she's not on her feet, she's still nearly herself.

I don't want to be a Grinch here. She's my mother (87) and I'm her daughter (63) and we're doing pretty well, all in all. We're down to 4 people at these events, from a high of about 20 years ago. Our relationship--DH, my sister and I-- with Mom is very personal, very intense, very day to day because her health and happiness have become overwhelmingly the major issue in our interactions. I'm belligerently trying to keep Mom involved with the outside world, which rocks her equilibrium. It's so easy to cocoon herself in her sr. residence building with telephone and cable tv and daily meals and a bridge game and a church service onsite and someone to come in and shut the windows when there's a storm warning. The tremendous effort that it takes to go about when you've got osteoarthritis and your body looks like the number 7 has to be incredible. I must seem so insensitive sometimes.

But the other factor in our relationship is the old Scandinavian Lutheran ethic--be humble, don't have a big head--very Lake Wobegon. Our kitchen project has violated this ethic, I believe, which is why I suspect our new kitchen is the topic of gossip among the old ladies of the family. They had tiny kitchens and they were good enough for them, after all. When an aunt broke that mold and re-did her kitchen, they all got on the phone and gossiped about her even back in late 1950s. A given--this is how it's done around here.

Thanks for the therapy, everybody! I had a good time messing with the new dual oven. Turkey was great, baked goods need a reread of the owner manual. DH and I set a fancy table, ate well, and have no regrets.
red_eared_slider86
13 years ago
Kate, I hope you enjoyed Thanksgiving in your beautiful new kitchen!

And I, too, understand what you mean about the approval. Why do we care? We do this for us, right? Not for them. This is the space that we share with our families. They only visit occasionally. Why should we care whether or not they approve? We shouldn't.

And yet we do.

My sister seemed excited for me when I was in the planning stages, but she got quiet once I posted pics of the nearly-finished kitchen. I'm sure it's too dark for her tastes.

My brother's wife, who is always talking about remodelling her kitchen, shows no interest in mine. (Of course, she and my brother are almost always all talk and no action, while my DH and I actually *do* the things we talk about.)

My husband's sister, OTOH, really ooh'd and ah'd over pics of our kitchen. As silly as it sounds, that did make me happy.

i got a very big approval rating for my kitchen

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i got a very big approval rating for my kitchen

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