my husband died

18 years ago

I am a frequent lurker and occasional poster here. I have spent the past 2 months caring for my husband. It started as a backache. Eventually, they found he had stage 4 lung cancer with multiple metastases. I was making arrangements for hospice at home, and he died about an hour before he was due to be transferred.

I dont know why I am posting this here, except I know there are many of you who can and will pray for me.

anettemartinrn

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Comments (100)

gwanny2three
18 years ago
Prayers to you and your family~~~
katlan
18 years ago
Annette, I'm mostly a lurker also. I'm sorry for the illness you had to deal with and the loss you have suffered. Come anytime to chat, cry, vent. Don't spend
too much time alone, not at first anyway. Only time will
ease the hurt. God bless your husbands soul and God watch over you.
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Nora, I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my husband in February after a crazy wonderful 6 1/2 years of marriage. This past few months have been a feeling like I have never felt before. Before I met him, I was an independent single mom who took care of everything. When I met him, I met my best friend and fell in love deeply. We had our ups and downs like every marriage, but the one constant was that we loved each other and didn't want to be without each other. We supported each other through everything. The last few years, it was more me supporting him while he went through some tough personal times but that is what a best friend and a wife does. In February, my husband died as a result of multiple blunt injuries to the head during a motorcycle accident. Before anyone starts talking about how dangerous motorcycles are, please understand that he was not a careless rider and he was doing the speed limit and wearing a full faced helmet. The truck in front of him was leaking oil and it got all over his bike and made him go into the median. He made it through the median but when he went to get back on the road, the tire caught the lip of the road and in turn made him flip. When his friend who was riding with him (and unfortunately saw the whole thing)called me to tell me he was in a serious accident I thought my world was crashing around me. I hopped in my car and rushed the 2 hour drive to the hospital where I sat by his side until it was time. He was a tissue and organ donor and unfortunately his organs weren't viable, but his tissue was. When I arrived there, there was no brain function so i never got to say goodbye. I just had the memory of our last kiss and last hug that morning before he rode off.We had talked about what to do if the time ever came so I knew what needed to be done, I just hated that i had to make that decision. That night was the hardest because I had to tell our children, my son/his stepson is 18 and he knew as soon as he saw me and i saw him grow into a man right in front of my eyes. His son, who was living with us, is 13 and his whole world was up in the air. He had finally found a spot where he fit in and loved being and now it was not the same and he knew he would have to go live with his mom again. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by friends who took care of everything that dealt with the service. I of course had the final say so on everything but they made it into an event that people will always talk about. There were 300 people at his service and there was standing room only. It was an amazing site to see how many people loved and respected him. I on the other hand was falling apart inside. I had to go back to work that following week because if i didn't then i didnt get paid. I did take some days off and the paycheck reflected it, but i got past that. My days were fine for the most part, it is the night time that has been so utterly terrible. I cannot sleep in our room, so I sleep on the couch. We did everything together and talked constantly, so the feeling of being all alone is overwhelming. I can be strong one minute and break down crying the next minute. It just sucks, there are no other words for me to describe how i feel. I go on with my days and try to muddle through the nights, but the pure fact is i miss my husband and my friend. I don't know what to do next, I am back to being the single mom again, but now I don't have that feeling of being a strong, independent person i was before him or with him. I do take help from people when i need it, but in all actuality the only thing i need is my husband. I miss him making me laugh, i miss him making me mad, i miss every little thing about him. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Hi again, senior gal ... ... wow! when I saw the title of the thread ... I thought ... "What a quick reply!". And, now that I read the substantial missive, written in that short time ... it looks as though I'm not referring to the same husband that you were caring for when you joined Gardenweb. But ... a great story! Thanks for sharing (with this old fart)! I met my ex-, an Iowa gal, on a blind date when she, who'd transferred from Iowa State to Cornell (hospital diet program) met me, a missionary who'd helped refugees re-establish in Korea just after the Korean War ... ... and she wasn't my date. We began seeing one another ... and there was talk of marriage ... but I suggested that she finish her degree, which she did, then travelled to Korea, where we were married, with no member of either family in attendance. Son born there, has dual citizenship, and the Japanese shopgirls went ga-ga over his fine, flaxen hair when we were en route home when he was about 20 mos. Daughter born here ... Sue back to her career when she entered kindergarten, worked as second head and head of food service in a substantial psych. hosp. near here. We were together for 11 years, apart for 40 years. When there was talk of closing her hosp. or a similar one nearby ... she took early retirement, had 10 years to have a ball ... ... and she, who'd fed millions - ironically, contracted colon cancer, died 7 years ago, at 66. "Kids" (50ish) said that in the ordinary course of things, she'd have retired the year before, and I added that she'd have been sick for most of that ... ... but, having taken early retirement ... she'd had 10 years to have a ball (including travelling in her RV from FL to TX between about mid-Dec. to mid-Mar. - and to AZ when daughter lived there). Good wishes to you and your loved-one-deferred. ole joyful
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sharon_fl
18 years ago
Annette,
I'm so sorry to hear you have lost your soulmate. May your heart be filled with loving memories and each time you look out your window, remember there is hope and peace in the valley that you two shared together. Sharon
mombondo
18 years ago
((Anette))

May your fond memories and happy times help
get you through this difficult time.
mcmann
18 years ago
Dear Annette,

You are so right when you say that there are many here who will pray for you. I am so sad to hear about your husband. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
kathy813
18 years ago
My prayers are with you. May you find strength from above.
deemarie5500
18 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort and peace soon.

Dee
Linda Wayman
18 years ago
Annette, you have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. I will pray for you to find peace and comfort. Please come here anytime you want to talk or need a hug. We are here for you.

Linda
lindaohnowga
18 years ago
My sincere thoughts and prayers for comfort are with you.
joyfulguy
18 years ago
Sending good thoughts for you especially, and the others who loved your husband.

And prayers for all of you.

As you said in your profile ... he has been your best friend. Along with your pain, please be thankful for the years that you had together ... quite possibly his spirit may be near, thinking of them and hoping that you are, as well - and wanting to offer an arm to help assuage the pain.

I hope that some of your loved ones can be available for you in the coming days - when step-mom had died, I spent about a week with Dad before travelling hundreds of miles back home ... but it was easy for me to get time off from my (part-time) work. Dad, in his early 80s at the time ... spent hours reading some of his favourite books.

Different strokes for different folks - people respond to such pain and loss in different ways.

I hope that you have one (or more) friends who'll be willing to have you call them at 3 a.m., when you have slept for a while, awakened, and can't get back to sleep ... such offers are really wonderful.

Thank you for coming here to share your suffering ... as several have said, they have themselves lost loved ones recently.

Many of us here are retired, and live alone, so are freer than many as to how we use our time.

Would some of you, possibly who live not too far from Arkansas, be willing to email Annette privately, giving her your phone number ... especially if you wouldn't mind being available at such lonely hours?

Do you have a good relationship with a faith counsellor? Many of them, being familiar with the situation, are sensitive, can perceive what is going on within you, and offer just what you need at a given time.

Do your offspring have such support, as well?

May God's grace meet your need ... and fill your heart, at this troubling, gut-wrenching time.

((((((((annette and family))))))))

ole joyful
caflowerluver
18 years ago
Annette. - I am so sorry for your the loss of your husband. You have my most sincere condolences.
Clare
OklaMoni
18 years ago
Annette, I hope and wish you can get through the next few days ok. Telling you things will look up, is just not good enough I think.

Please, realize, most all of us are shocked by your news, and wish you nothing but the BEST.

My condolences.

Moni
janemarie5
18 years ago
I am so sorry for our loss... you will be in my thoughts.
luckygardnr
18 years ago
Anette, I'm so sorry! My heart goes out to you and your family. Just know we are thinking about you and send you hugs. Come talk to us anytime you need to. We're here for you.

Laurel
Lindsey_CA
18 years ago
My deepest sympathies on your loss. You'll be in my prayers.
donna37
18 years ago
So sorry for your great loss.
aprilflower
18 years ago
(((Annette)))

I have no words, only healing thoughts and prayers of comfort.

april
springer_mom
18 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
molly109
18 years ago
Annette - I am fairly new, so you wouldn't remember me.

But, I can relate to your terrible pain and sadness.

I am a widow, and I am so sorry that you are having to
deal with this. Please take care of yourself - it is
very important now, that you stay as physically strong
as possible. Let time help you make some decisions.

I wish I had some magic words to help, but I don't. But,
I can pray for comfort for you - and I will.

Hugs.
buzzard
18 years ago
Annette, I am so very sorry for your loss. My DH died a year and a half ago. I do know how you are feeling.

(((((Annette)))))
yborgal
18 years ago
Annette, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll say some prayers for you and your DH.

My uncle was just diagnosed yesterday with the same lung disease, stage 4 with metastases. I expect we'll be facing the same battles you dealt with.
donnakt_gw
18 years ago
I am so sorry, you have my thoughts and prayers.
I am like Gillian, I lost my husband 3 years ago.

Hugs,
DonnaKT
des_arc_ya_ya
18 years ago
Annette, I, too, am so sorry to hear of your loss. You're right - prayers and good thoughts are going out to you and for you.

Come here anytime you need to talk.

((Annette))
wildchild
18 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss Annette. You will be in my thoughts.
ritamay91710
18 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
And you are right, there are many people here who will pray for you, and keep you in their thoughts... including me. Take care.
Rita
kathi_mdgd
18 years ago
Annette ,i also am sorry for your loss.Please accept my sincere condolences,for you and your family.May you find comfort and peace in the days ahead.prayers going up for you.
Kathi
liz
18 years ago
Annette...I am so sorry for your loss...My thoughts and prayers are with you...
sheilajoyce_gw
18 years ago
Our condolences. How very sad. I hope you have lots of family and friends surrounding you now.
linn_z
18 years ago
So sorry for your loss, add me to the Kters who are praying for you and your family at this time.
cheryl_ok
18 years ago
Prayers from Oklahoma...you have our sincere condolences
donna_loomis
18 years ago
Oh, Annette, my heart goes out to you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that you have other family members around you to lean on.
anne_ct
18 years ago
I, too, am a relatively recent widow at the hands of cancer. My heart and prayers go out to you, Anette and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of Molly109's words.....

"....take care of yourself - it is very important now, that you stay as physically strong as possible. Let time help you make some decisions."

That's extremely wise advice that I'm very thankful I followed during the months after my husband's death. I have no close family so there was no one but me to greet each day. Eating a balanced diet and getting a good nights sleep made it far less stressful. I had to follow these guidelines because I'm a diabetic but the wisdom behind this advice helped me survive as a diabetic as well as a grieving widow.

Anne
minnie_tx
18 years ago
So sorry to hear of your loss!!
bunglogrl
18 years ago
(((((Anette)))))
hounds_x_two
18 years ago
I am so very sorry. Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
ladonna
18 years ago
My thoughts and prayers are with you (((((((hugs)))))))
Im so very sorry.
ronf_gw
18 years ago
I am so very sorry, Annette.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ron
Kathsgrdn
18 years ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. ((((Anette))))
gramzeeinmd
18 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
Love
Deb
Zipper_TX
18 years ago
I am very sorry to hear this, you are in my prayers. May God bless you.
Jacquelyn
18 years ago
I am so sorry for you loss...May God bless you!
Mickey15
18 years ago
Anette, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear husband. You will be in my prayers.
Hugs,
Tammy
creekgirl
18 years ago
Anette.....

You will be in my prayers. I know that this must be a terrible time for you & I pray God that you will have the strength to bear up under all that you are facing.

God will help you through this.

Creekgirl
gardenspice
18 years ago
Oh Annette. I am so very sorry.
I am sending my most comforting thoughts.
Peace be with you,
Gardenspice
LorifromUtah
18 years ago
I am very sorry for your loss anettemartinrn.
I will keep you in my thoughts.

Lori
wendylynders
18 years ago
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will surely keep you in prayer!
User
18 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Take good care of yourself and know you were there for him , took good care of him and gave him love.
mamatoad
18 years ago
I remember you, Annette, and I am so very sorry for your loss! I will remember you in my prayers and I hope that you will continue to come and join us often. Bettye/AZ
intherain
18 years ago
Annette, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sheryl
mrsmarv
18 years ago
Annette ~ I am so sorry to hear of your dear husband's passing. My thoughts and prayers will be with you during this difficult time.

(((Nora)))

my husband died

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