my husband died

15 years ago

I am a frequent lurker and occasional poster here. I have spent the past 2 months caring for my husband. It started as a backache. Eventually, they found he had stage 4 lung cancer with multiple metastases. I was making arrangements for hospice at home, and he died about an hour before he was due to be transferred.

I dont know why I am posting this here, except I know there are many of you who can and will pray for me.

anettemartinrn

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Comments (100)

gwanny2three
15 years ago
Prayers to you and your family~~~
katlan
15 years ago
Annette, I'm mostly a lurker also. I'm sorry for the illness you had to deal with and the loss you have suffered. Come anytime to chat, cry, vent. Don't spend
too much time alone, not at first anyway. Only time will
ease the hurt. God bless your husbands soul and God watch over you.
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I had the most remarkable experience this weekend. Please indulge me with a little background. My husband and I have been in the construction industry all of our lives. His last job was a Manager of Construction for a large telecom company. In earlier years he was a project manager, superintendent, foreman and initialy a journeyman carpenter. I am still a construction project manager. Over the years we did many projects together. Our last was the cabin at our hunting ranch, before he was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was a general contractor and did a lot of work for the Army in WWII on Fort Sam Houston. In the late forties they had thousands of wooden quanset huts they were trying to get rid of. He brought one here to the lake house. It was a playhouse for me, we turned it into a bedroom for our teenaged son and eventually it became a tool shed. It's a sad little building now, the roofing had blown off of it, door falling off etc. We discussed tearing it down, but Kim didn't have the strength and I couldn't do anything without making him feel worse. So it just sat there. About three weeks ago I decided to restore it. I have the tools (nail guns etc.) and the know-how from all of those projects we did together, and my Bachelor's degree was in Architecture although I never practiced. But I'm 60 years old and could never do as well as Kim. But Saturday I decided to get started. I went and bought my initial materials. My first priority was the roof, so I could stop the water from leaking in. All afternoon I could hear Kim's voice in my head. I couldn't find my 12 ounce hammer and I could hear "If you put it back where you got it every time, you wouldn't have to look for it". I was choking up on the hammer handle and I heard "If you're not going to use the whole handle, I'll cut it off for you".....and just silly stuff like that. My biggest problem is that I have wanted so badly to feel him around me. I sleep on his pillows, wear his shirts, put his toothpick in my mouth...everything I could think of, but nothing worked. My grief was crushing me. So Saturday night I fell into bed and I dreamed about him for the first time. We were at a dinner party and I looked at him and said "But Honey, you can't be here because you're dead". And he said, "But I am here". Then two men came up to me and said they were doctors and they had cured him. Then he disappeared from the dream, but I knew it was alright because he would be back. When I woke up Sunday morning I felt as though a thousand pound weight had been lifted from my chest. I was happy for the first time in months. I was raised very Catholic (Grade School, High School, College). My standing joke now is that my religious beliefs run from A to Z, Agnosticism to Zen. I believe in everything just in case one of them is right. I told God (if there is a God) "If you're going to rip the heart out of my chest, the least you could do is send me some salve or something. You're killing me here". Maybe the dream was my answer. Maybe my mind made it up because I needed it so badly. But I choose to believe that it was Kim, telling me that he is here with me. I still grieve. I miss him terribly and still cry every day. I have a long, painful road ahead of me. But that crushing weight is gone. I wish that for all of you. Anniebear
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Oh my goodness, it just doesn't seem fair for one person to suffer so much loss in such a short period of time. My heart aches for you. Please know that one day you will be through the grieving and crying, but it does take time. I think it's important to cry all you want, because eventually you will be through the crying. Do you have a good relationship with your son? He probably does not feel as much grief as you do about your parents, but surely he is feeling the loss of his father. Try to establish communication with him, sharing your feelings and letting him share his. Is there a chance that you two could do something together like a day trip to the beach or even an overnight trip. I think it helps to get away a bit, and when you come back you are still facing all the reminders of your losses, but you've had a chance to "catch your breath" so to speak. Also, see if you and your son can plant a tree, go to Dad's favorite restaurant, put together an album, make a donation to a leukemia foundation. Try to do something together to help in the healing. But it will take time. Of course, there is always grief counseling and group sessions which you can seek out. Your loved ones now gone from you would not want you to stay in bed. I think a certain amount of that is helpful, but soon you have to put your feet on the floor and move on. I'm so very sorry for all your losses. Take care. Susan
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Hi baggytrews, I cannot even begin to imagine the depth of your grief. I understand your feelings though. I lost my Momma last August and the world has not been the same for me since. I feel lost and sad alot of the time now. It is getting better for me but I will tell you it is only a little at a time. The first month was horrible, I could not stop crying if I had wanted to but now.....I have my moments, about two weeks out of the month, that I am horribly depressed and sad and I cry my heart out. There really is nothing I can write/say that will make you feel any better but I do know from reading the posts here that there are other women that have walked in your shoes and have felt or are feeling your pain. Remember, love is more than a feeling and forever is more than a word. The love you share with your husband will never die. Everyday you are here you are one more day closer to "being" with him again. Bless you, may you find some measure of peace to begin enjoying the time you have left. I believe I must get up and face the day to make my Momma proud. I try to keep the following in my mind - And for my sake and in my name, live on and do all the things same Feed not on your lonliness on empty days but fill each waking hour in useful ways. This is what I believe my Momma would ask of me and I try....boy, do I try. Blessings to you and we are here if you need to "talk". Lisa
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sharon_fl
15 years ago
Annette,
I'm so sorry to hear you have lost your soulmate. May your heart be filled with loving memories and each time you look out your window, remember there is hope and peace in the valley that you two shared together. Sharon
mombondo
15 years ago
((Anette))

May your fond memories and happy times help
get you through this difficult time.
mcmann
15 years ago
Dear Annette,

You are so right when you say that there are many here who will pray for you. I am so sad to hear about your husband. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
kathy813
15 years ago
My prayers are with you. May you find strength from above.
deemarie5500
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort and peace soon.

Dee
Linda Wayman
15 years ago
Annette, you have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. I will pray for you to find peace and comfort. Please come here anytime you want to talk or need a hug. We are here for you.

Linda
lindaohnowga
15 years ago
My sincere thoughts and prayers for comfort are with you.
joyfulguy
15 years ago
Sending good thoughts for you especially, and the others who loved your husband.

And prayers for all of you.

As you said in your profile ... he has been your best friend. Along with your pain, please be thankful for the years that you had together ... quite possibly his spirit may be near, thinking of them and hoping that you are, as well - and wanting to offer an arm to help assuage the pain.

I hope that some of your loved ones can be available for you in the coming days - when step-mom had died, I spent about a week with Dad before travelling hundreds of miles back home ... but it was easy for me to get time off from my (part-time) work. Dad, in his early 80s at the time ... spent hours reading some of his favourite books.

Different strokes for different folks - people respond to such pain and loss in different ways.

I hope that you have one (or more) friends who'll be willing to have you call them at 3 a.m., when you have slept for a while, awakened, and can't get back to sleep ... such offers are really wonderful.

Thank you for coming here to share your suffering ... as several have said, they have themselves lost loved ones recently.

Many of us here are retired, and live alone, so are freer than many as to how we use our time.

Would some of you, possibly who live not too far from Arkansas, be willing to email Annette privately, giving her your phone number ... especially if you wouldn't mind being available at such lonely hours?

Do you have a good relationship with a faith counsellor? Many of them, being familiar with the situation, are sensitive, can perceive what is going on within you, and offer just what you need at a given time.

Do your offspring have such support, as well?

May God's grace meet your need ... and fill your heart, at this troubling, gut-wrenching time.

((((((((annette and family))))))))

ole joyful
caflowerluver
15 years ago
Annette. - I am so sorry for your the loss of your husband. You have my most sincere condolences.
Clare
OklaMoni
15 years ago
Annette, I hope and wish you can get through the next few days ok. Telling you things will look up, is just not good enough I think.

Please, realize, most all of us are shocked by your news, and wish you nothing but the BEST.

My condolences.

Moni
janemarie5
15 years ago
I am so sorry for our loss... you will be in my thoughts.
luckygardnr
15 years ago
Anette, I'm so sorry! My heart goes out to you and your family. Just know we are thinking about you and send you hugs. Come talk to us anytime you need to. We're here for you.

Laurel
Lindsey_CA
15 years ago
My deepest sympathies on your loss. You'll be in my prayers.
donna37
15 years ago
So sorry for your great loss.
aprilflower
15 years ago
(((Annette)))

I have no words, only healing thoughts and prayers of comfort.

april
springer_mom
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
molly109
15 years ago
Annette - I am fairly new, so you wouldn't remember me.

But, I can relate to your terrible pain and sadness.

I am a widow, and I am so sorry that you are having to
deal with this. Please take care of yourself - it is
very important now, that you stay as physically strong
as possible. Let time help you make some decisions.

I wish I had some magic words to help, but I don't. But,
I can pray for comfort for you - and I will.

Hugs.
buzzard
15 years ago
Annette, I am so very sorry for your loss. My DH died a year and a half ago. I do know how you are feeling.

(((((Annette)))))
yborgal
15 years ago
Annette, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll say some prayers for you and your DH.

My uncle was just diagnosed yesterday with the same lung disease, stage 4 with metastases. I expect we'll be facing the same battles you dealt with.
donnakt_gw
15 years ago
I am so sorry, you have my thoughts and prayers.
I am like Gillian, I lost my husband 3 years ago.

Hugs,
DonnaKT
des_arc_ya_ya
15 years ago
Annette, I, too, am so sorry to hear of your loss. You're right - prayers and good thoughts are going out to you and for you.

Come here anytime you need to talk.

((Annette))
wildchild
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss Annette. You will be in my thoughts.
ritamay91710
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
And you are right, there are many people here who will pray for you, and keep you in their thoughts... including me. Take care.
Rita
kathi_mdgd
15 years ago
Annette ,i also am sorry for your loss.Please accept my sincere condolences,for you and your family.May you find comfort and peace in the days ahead.prayers going up for you.
Kathi
liz
15 years ago
Annette...I am so sorry for your loss...My thoughts and prayers are with you...
sheilajoyce_gw
15 years ago
Our condolences. How very sad. I hope you have lots of family and friends surrounding you now.
linn_z
15 years ago
So sorry for your loss, add me to the Kters who are praying for you and your family at this time.
cheryl_ok
15 years ago
Prayers from Oklahoma...you have our sincere condolences
donna_loomis
15 years ago
Oh, Annette, my heart goes out to you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that you have other family members around you to lean on.
anne_ct
15 years ago
I, too, am a relatively recent widow at the hands of cancer. My heart and prayers go out to you, Anette and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of Molly109's words.....

"....take care of yourself - it is very important now, that you stay as physically strong as possible. Let time help you make some decisions."

That's extremely wise advice that I'm very thankful I followed during the months after my husband's death. I have no close family so there was no one but me to greet each day. Eating a balanced diet and getting a good nights sleep made it far less stressful. I had to follow these guidelines because I'm a diabetic but the wisdom behind this advice helped me survive as a diabetic as well as a grieving widow.

Anne
minnie_tx
15 years ago
So sorry to hear of your loss!!
bunglogrl
15 years ago
(((((Anette)))))
hounds_x_two
15 years ago
I am so very sorry. Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
ladonna
15 years ago
My thoughts and prayers are with you (((((((hugs)))))))
Im so very sorry.
ronf_gw
15 years ago
I am so very sorry, Annette.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ron
Kathsgrdn
15 years ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. ((((Anette))))
gramzeeinmd
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
Love
Deb
Zipper_TX
15 years ago
I am very sorry to hear this, you are in my prayers. May God bless you.
Jacquelyn
15 years ago
I am so sorry for you loss...May God bless you!
Mickey15
15 years ago
Anette, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear husband. You will be in my prayers.
Hugs,
Tammy
creekgirl
15 years ago
Anette.....

You will be in my prayers. I know that this must be a terrible time for you & I pray God that you will have the strength to bear up under all that you are facing.

God will help you through this.

Creekgirl
gardenspice
15 years ago
Oh Annette. I am so very sorry.
I am sending my most comforting thoughts.
Peace be with you,
Gardenspice
LorifromUtah
15 years ago
I am very sorry for your loss anettemartinrn.
I will keep you in my thoughts.

Lori
wendylynders
15 years ago
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will surely keep you in prayer!
Lily316
15 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Take good care of yourself and know you were there for him , took good care of him and gave him love.
mamatoad
15 years ago
I remember you, Annette, and I am so very sorry for your loss! I will remember you in my prayers and I hope that you will continue to come and join us often. Bettye/AZ
intherain
15 years ago
Annette, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sheryl
mrsmarv
15 years ago
Annette ~ I am so sorry to hear of your dear husband's passing. My thoughts and prayers will be with you during this difficult time.

(((Nora)))

my husband died

Comments (100)

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