Family problem regarding medical choices - long

15 years ago

This is a long story that I'm trying to shorten. About 4 years back we noticed my brother losing lots of weight, when we questionned him he said it felt like something was stuck in his throat and he just couldn't eat. Fast forward to last year, after lots of tests and other stuff, they found out he had to have his aorta fixed. This seemed to work for awhile until more problems developed. A couple of weeks ago he had heart surgery to have a new valve put in. Now his kidneys are shutting down and he's doctoring with this.

That's the long and short of his medical problems but by no means the end. What I didn't tell you is that my brother is an alcoholic - he went thru treatment and has been clean for about one year. Because of the alcohol, he started having seizures and now he can't remember anything and is EXTREMELY agitated. My sister handles all his money because he can't (He's on SSI.) My brother refuses to see a doctor but when we question him about what is going on, he just tells us off (add your own words there.) We do not believe he is able to think straight. Yesterday, he decided he wanted to go to the kidney doctor but when we got there today, he flew off the handle and thought we were just tricking him. To make matters worse, the doctor is of a different nationality and DB really said some bad things.

If we do nothing, he will die. While I know that this is his choice in the end, I don't believe he has the capacity to make this choice based on his history and based on the fact that he can't remember anything really except how to swear at us.

So, anyone got any ideas on what, if anything can be done? Where do we turn? Is it possible to get a judge to let someone else make his medical decisions?

Please I don't want anyone to tell me it is his decision. That is not my question. I can live with it if his choice is to die. I can't live with it if he did not understand his choices in the first place.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (9)

mimi_boo
15 years ago
Can you file papers to have him Baker Acted? I'm so sorry for your troubles. ((hugs))
0
workoutlady
Original Author
15 years ago
What is Baker Acted and how do I go about it or who do I contact?

The thing that really makes me mad is that the doctors all say there is nothing they can do because it is his choice. But if he were 85 years old and acted as irrationally as he does now, they would do something in a heartbeat. Because he is only 49, they say it's his choice.
0
Related Discussions
Ideas regarding sandbox problem
Q
Comments (20)
I have eight cats. I so pity my neighbors that I offered the one without dogs (which are ideal cat-repellants :-)) to buy him an air-gun (harmless but they'd hate it and shoots from about 20' away) to use on them. Those big powerful squirt guns are good too. Obviously these require you be there, though. He bought a dog instead. He had indoor yappy dogs but now he has a medium dog in back. I try to keep them inside but until my ex returns and takes his 4 (which got added to my 4 when he temporarily returned), it's not very practical doing that either, given the nature of cats, and that they will tear up wood in the house of doors/frames to get out if they really want out (the more there are, the more they act like a wild pride, rather than civilized tame). I observe this with them: 1 - they like sand. 2 - they like wood mulch. 3 - they don't like hard mulches like gravel. They might lay in it sometimes but they don't generally poop in it. 4 - they love dirt. 5 - they love plants. 6 - hot pepper as some recommend can cause cats to claw their own eyes out scratching. Have mercy. Don't do it. Besides, that will not really keep cats from your garden. It will merely cause them to mutilate themselves IN your garden. 7 - they don't like sudden motion things. small items that move with wind for example. 8 - they don't like water. motion-sensor sprinklers for example. 9 - they do love catnip. Plant some elsewhere where it's shady and comfy and they might hang out there instead. 10 - cocoa hull mulch is poisonous to cats and dogs and some other animals, fyi. Technically you can use it, since it's not your cat, and it's less horrifying than the pepper option (and one can hope a given cat doesn't feel like eating it) but not very nice. Aside from which you know you'd have those things mixed in your soil forever, it's like using rock in landscape and then you end up mowing lawn with the junk mixed in and hitting the blades forever. If you spring mulch with black landscaper mat, and plant your plants in holes in that, then there isn't anything for them to dig in really, and it's a nice weed block too. Best, PJ
...See More
Any opinions on 11 year family disagreement. Long.
Q
Comments (57)
This is a really tough one. It sounds like your brother has done everything possible to try to mend fences, but it's not possible because your sister simply won't let it happen. It seems like she's transferred her difficult relationship with your parents onto your brother and isn't willing to let go. Here's what I'd do: 1) Make sure your brother knows that you support him, that you know that this isn't his fault, and that you love him. He's had to bear the brunt of her animosity, and I'm sure it's been very difficult for him. (You've probably done this already, but it wouldn't hurt to do it again!) 2) Everyone (including your brother) needs to make a joint decision to refuse to discuss this with your sister ever again. I'd say to her one time, "Sister, we're all tired of hearing about this grievance that should have been forgotten years ago. We will not discuss it with you again, and we will not listen to you badmouth Brother." And I wouldn't discuss this decision with her, I'd simply tell her that this is how it is now, and then implement it immediately. 3) Whenever she tries to bring it up, I'd say "I'm not discussing this with you" and turn away. Or simply say nothing and turn away. Do not ever specifically address anything she says related to this grievance and don't ever get drawn into a conversation about it - just shut down immediately. If she's willing to talk normally about other things, I'd be interested and talk to her normally. But as soon as she starts to bring up this grievance, ignore her and turn away. If she starts badmouthing your brother, I'd say "I'm not listening to that" and hang up the phone, walk away, stop responding in any way. This will be hard to do because she won't want to give up her dramatic audience, so everyone will need to be very consistent. She'll probably even escalate her behavior for awhile to try to get everyone to respond like they used to, and it's important that you don't give in. The last thing you want to do is reinforce the idea that all she has to do is behave really really badly in order to get the response she wants. Whenever she's willing to talk about other things, I'd be interested and engaged to try to encourage the behavior you want from her. But I'd shut down immediately whenever she brings up the past or trash talks your brother. The hope is that over time, she'll give up on badmouthing and attacking your brother because it never gets the dramatic response she wants anymore - it just gets her frozen out. And even if she never quite gives it up, at least you'll be spending less time and energy on it by refusing to give it any more of your attention.
...See More
Carpet choice for high-traffic family room
Q
Comments (9)
I agree with those who suggested to just go for the wood and put in throw rugs for the sound deadening. If you do go with carpet, definitely check with the manufacturer to see if they have an approved vacuum list. Many of them actually tell you not use Dyson on some products. You are on the right track looking at nylon and smartstrand for a high traffic area. Most pro tests I've seen indicate that Nylon is still top dog as far as durability and not crushing, but Smartstrand is very close. That said, smartstrand is generally easier to clean and more stain resistant. Nylon has the advantage in resisting soiling and if you go with a solution dyed nylon, you can match smartstrand in ease of cleaning. Solution dyed nylon for residential is not the most common yet, though it has been expanding in recent years but I don't think they have it available in nearly the same softness as your soft nylons and smartstrand products. I generally don't look for softness if I am looking at a high traffic area. Other considerations for high traffic - keep to a lowerpile cut or loop carpet. If cut pile, go with a lower pile frieze or textured. Color plays a huge part in hiding soil so look at your mid-tones in particular. Twist should be at least 5.5, 6 preferable, and should have fairly high density.
...See More
baby name choice causing family split
Q
Comments (65)
I was adopted as a month old baby and have often heard how the whole extended family gathered in celebration ahead to discuss what my name would be. One grandmother was really pushing for Opal, Dad wanted Christina, and the other grandmother wanted Maria. Thankfully, I was named Holly, a name I have always liked because it's common enough but not weird. My husband has an unusual name and he is the staid accountant type, while I am the artistic one. He has always hated his name and when he left home, abbreviated it to something common. It grieved his mother somewhat but she and the rest of the family still call him by the given name. I have always found his given name interesting but he said if we have children, they will be either William, John or Mary! Or something equally foolproof! I had a friend who named her son William and I was dumbfounded, it seemed so uncreative. (not that it's not a perfectly respectable, historically noble name).
...See More
kittiemom
15 years ago
Make an appt. with a psychiatrist & have an evaluation done. They can order an involuntary committment. This would be the first step to having the court appoint you or you & your sister as guardians.
0
workoutlady
Original Author
15 years ago
That's part of the problem. He is refusing to see any medical professionals and that includes a psychiatrist. I do believe he is truly insane. I think his regular doctor he had been seeing up to the point of the last heart surgery 2 weeks ago, could give some insight into his sanity but I'm not sure that would be good enough for the court. I know that right now my sister has permission to talk to his doctors so maybe that is the way to go. It seems the medical professional he has seen so far, just want him to go away so they don't have to put up with him.

Thanks for the support though. I really do appreciate it.
0
wildchild
15 years ago
You cannot make him go to a psychiatrist any more than you can make him do anything else. You can possibly have him put on up to a 72 hour hold for a psyche evaluation next time he goes off on you. If you ever need to call the police make sure they are alerted to the fact that he is mentally ill and see if they have a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT), officers trained to deal with these issues.

I'm sorry. I know how hard this is on you and family. But your brother told a long road to get to this point and it will be an even longer one back if he is is willing to take it.

Take care of yourself ((Scissors))
0
dirt_yfingernails
15 years ago
My sister and I had to become our brother's guardian when a series of strokes left him incapacitated. At first he had to go to a nursing home, which he was not too happy about. He was only about 58 and much younger than the other residents. Then after about a year, he ran away from the nursing home and was missing for several months. He had run off to a friend's cabin. When we found him, the sheriff said there was no electricity or running water and DB had been drinking raw lake water. He hadn't bathed for months and the temps were over 100F. He spent about another year in a different nursing home, then his social worker found a spot in an adult foster home. This has been wonderful for him. Barb and Ben treat DB like a member of their own family. They are so loving and kind of spoil him, but are firm with him when he needs it. And he does - sometimes he gets ornery and uncooperative.
0
acey
15 years ago
If his kidneys are shutting down, then his electrolytes must be out of whack, thus contributing to his confusion and agitation. If he could get a mild tranquilizer, then some labs drawn or visit the kidney doc, you might get a clearer picture...or he'll decline until he has to be hospitalized and then you hopefully will get it figured out. Can you get a social worker to help out? Or call a mental health center...maybe they will have suggestions.
0
monica_pa Grieves
15 years ago
Is he rational in other aspects? Eating and sleeping? knows who he is, where he is, etc?

If the only irrational activity is refusing medical treatment...it may not be irrational at all, but a decision he has made. There may be an aspect of his medical condition that you know nothing about, and he's not telling you.
0
mrsmarv
15 years ago
You say he's on SSI...if it's for mental incapacitation/illness then you may be able to get some intervention. I would speak with his doctor and also find out if you can pursue having an advocate assigned to him.
0

Family problem regarding medical choices - long

Comments (9)

mimi_boo

workoutlady
Original Author

Related Discussions

kittiemom

workoutlady
Original Author

wildchild

dirt_yfingernails

acey

monica_pa Grieves

mrsmarv

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Family problem regarding medical choices - long

Comments (9)

mimi_boo

workoutladyOriginal Author

Related Discussions

kittiemom

workoutladyOriginal Author

wildchild

dirt_yfingernails

acey

monica_pa Grieves

mrsmarv

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

workoutlady
Original Author

workoutlady
Original Author