ever written a letter to your mil or fil

17 years ago

thanking them for raising such an incredible man/husband?

I'm trying to write one to my FIL for Father's Day. He's in the last stages of pancreatic cancer and I start crying just trying to start the letter.

I need help with some ideas for wording, I'm just drawing a blank...

And we lost our beloved Kita this morning. She was 14. Our English Setter won't be long for this world without her either. *sob*

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Comments (4)

jannie
17 years ago
So sorry about your pets. And FILs illness. I never wrote such a letter, it seems like such a great idea. I did write my parents a letter like that once, thanking them for raising me.
shellm
17 years ago
Sorry to hear aabout the loss of Kita,very difficult thing to go through.I hope yor other dog wont be too distraught.Sometimes they do better than expected.When our yellow lab Emily died 18 months ago,we thought Drake would have a hard time,as he had always lived w/other dogs.He adjusted great.Sorry to hear about your FIL,the idea of writing him a letter is very sweet.

Hugs,Shelley and Drake
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neesie- you really need to take a few steps back, and look at how much of the mess is your responsibility - and how much of the stress you're obviously under is your own fault. you have the idea in your head that this is your responsibility, and you 'know' what to do about it... so much so that it's become more about having your way than it is about taking care of a man who you clearly don't understand very well. yes, packratting is irritating - but instead of coming off like a busy body, why not tell him that there's a class project, and one of the kids ( or your local church, or an impoverished daycare) needs a bunch of cottage cheese containers, like a shopping bag full? I'll bet he'd be willing to spare them for a good cause, yes? you're creating 'win or lose' situations that are sure to cause strife in a family that's got to be all tied up in knots already - if you think you're worn out, frustrated, and at your wit's end...think about how people who were actually raised in this family are feeling...and then add the weight of guilt for every mug that lost its handle, every broken promise, and every letter of phone call someone was too busy to attend to. it's great that you're trying to clean up the place - but it took us two YEARS to clean things up after my father's death. two YEARS before we sorted out the papers and the trauma and really got the house cleaned up... and for the first year, a puzzle sat unfinished on top of the piano, and not even my brother, who's as practical as the rest of us are superstitious, could bring himself to touch it. this is part of the healing process, and you simply cannot rush it. instead of starting with the photographs - why not start with the curtains, which I'm sure need laundering? when you DO get around to the pictures - start by buying a large 'collage' frame, or a big album, and get your FIL to help you (or someone else) make sure that the photos are documented (who, when, why)before they're stowed. that will help it be about rememberbering, and honouring the past, instead of creating the impression that you do not actually consider yourself part of their family, and find it all so much stuff and bother.
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"...many adoptive mothers are overly possessive..." That doesn't come close to describing the MIL I have to deal with. She's a controlling, manipulative Queen B. She adopted a son because several of her friends had adopted children and it was very important to "keep up with the Joneses." She let him know from infancy that he was adopted, and he should be grateful he was adopted, and that he was "a sorry little SOB (her words) that was more trouble than six kids". In fact, he was "so much trouble" that she quickly decided she wouldn't adopt any more children. On the other hand, if someone dares to say "adopted son" she goes off on a tangent. No one is supposed to "know" he's adopted after all these years. She detests the fact her brother raised two step-children, loves them and loves their children. He calls them his "sons" and "grandchildren," which they are. She went off on a tangent to her brother that they are "only step grandchildren and no real blood relation; they're not family" and to quit calling them "grandchildren." She was violently angry about his choice of words. And yet, her son is adopted. I pointed out DH is not from her blood, no more than Tom's kids are from his, so I asked if she considered him not "real family" too. That she shut her trap...for a minute. She makes a great show of always "hiding" his adoption papers, and then telling me where they are, and saying he must never, ever see them. She moves them about every six months, calls me to tell me where they are, and then goes into the song and dance that I'm to keep them hidden after she dies. Yeah; sure thing. He's 47; you'd think she was over it by now. Since his late teens he has desperately wanted to find his birth family. He "feels" he has a brother, and he longs to know for sure. I tried to explain this to her. She said "well he doesn't need a brother at his age so he can just %$#@* forget about finding out." I've been trying to find out how to go about finding his adoptive family but keep running into brick walls. I'm sure there are wonderful incidents of adoptive parents loving and caring for their adoptive children. I'm sure there are adoptive children who feel special and loved, and even more specially loved because they were adopted. Sadly, this is not the case of the dear, wounded man I live with.
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country_bumpkin_al
17 years ago
I've never written a "letter" to either of them (FIL died in 1999), but I did have a plant sent to my MIL on my husbands birthday (April 29th). I knew that day was going to be especially hard on her and wanted her to know I was thinking about her. I had the lady at the florist to sign "Thank you for giving birth to and raising the wonderful man I married"!

Sometimes I think you can say a LOT without writing a long letter. Let your FIL know how much you love & appreciate him. Maybe mention a time when he especailly touched your life in a special way.

I'm so sorry about him and your furbaby!! Sometimes life just deals us a rough hand to play!!
stephanie_in_ga
17 years ago
I've done something similar twice. First, at our wedding. We wrote our own vows and other statements made during the ceremony, inlcuding a stantement of gratitude to the other's parents. I don't remember exactly what I said, something about teaching him to love unconditionally and setting an example of family, his strengths in character that he learned from them and "thank you for raising the person I love."

Couple years later I wrote a mother's day for MIL, back when Hallmark had the computer station to create your own card - before everyone just had the tools to do it on a home computer ;o) I spet a long time on this little poem, it was chronological, citing significant stages a mother helps a child through to him be stronger, the "firstsm," the battles. It was specific about those times in DH's life. She loved it and carried around to show off for a long time, which is not like her.

I'd keep it short, less is more (this from the Queen of longwinded!). Talk about the qualities you most appreciate in your DH and how you see he learned them from his father. That planting the seed for qualities that made a good boy grew into not just a good man, but a wonderful husband. Like a legacy.

I had a spontaneous conversation with my father a couple years ago. We were visting them, everyone else had gone to bed, and he was up late working on a community service project. He told me someone at work had asked him what is proudest moment as a father was, and told me how he answered that. I was breathless, it was not what I expected. I will NEVER forget it, it was a gift. Taking the time to tell a loved one how much and what we appreciate about them is so significant. Just a few words can give a person strength when they need it, sometimes even a bad day years after the words were spoken.

Good luck finding the right words. It is a great idea, so don't give up.

Wow. Way too many typos, but I'm too lazy to fix them.

ever written a letter to your mil or fil

Comments (4)

jannie

shellm

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