Mom....and Harold. :-)

My first DH's parents - I called FIL by his first name and MIL by Mrs.last name. Second DH - his parents both died before we got together.

I usually use her first name. Sometimes I call her Mom, but it just seems strange to me. My FIL passed away 15 years ago.. I called him by his first name.

To their faces, I called them Ruby and Willie. lolol

Couldn't stand those people.

By their first names, Josie (Josephine) and Victor. My husband is Vic. By the way, he hates being a junior, when he was a kid they called him "Vicky" which he considers feminine.

MIL is deceased but was Mrs...... I call FIL Mr. ..... I was never invited to call them anything other than that.

I have 3 DDIL's. One calls us Mom and Dad, but her parents live in Indonesia. The other 2 go from Mom, Dad to Kathy, Gary to no name at all. Since we are grandparents I told them to just call us Grandma and Grandpa, easier on all.
Our 1 DSIL had a problem for the first few years, but now he's come around.
Kathy G in MI

My MIL was a real pill but I called her Mother. FIL was wonderful and I called him Dad. Hubby called my Mom and Dad Gene and Kate. We all got along great...

Susie

About a week after our wedding I jokingly asked the MIL if I was to call her 'Mom' now. (As if, my Mother is my Mom and no one else can be 'Mom'). I figured she'd just say "Call me Pauline, just like always."

Her response; "Hell no, you're not to call me 'Mom.' I'm Wesley's mom; not yours."

He's adopted by the way.

So, I call her "Pauline" to her face and "The Old Bat" any other time.

She hates me. She's still scheming to get me out of the picture.

I think the happiest I ever made her was once, while discussing her health problems, and mentioning mine, I told her that in all seriousness, she'd probably out live me. That actually made her giddy with delight. She kept discussing the possibilities of her son moving back in with her when the "happy occasion" took place and I am out of the picture.

Hey, anything to please The Old Bat and keep her off my case!

I usually use their first names & sometimes it has been Grandma & Grandpa. My DIL usually calls me "Mom", but sometimes calls me by my first name.

First names. If I send a note or card in the mail and I am going to sign it from both/all of us, I start off "Dear Mom and Dad." (Yes, I always send the cards and write the notes. DH used to just sign it, but now he doesn't even do that.) Otherwise I never call them mom and dad. DH also calls my parents by their first names. My brother's soon-to-be-ex wife called my parents mom and dad-- which annoyed my mom to no end! LOL. Mom never liked her much, but tried for brother's sake. Now the wife wants a divorce, she's "met someone else."

I don't remember what I called my FIL, but I do remember my MIL, Mrs____. She laughed at me for doing in front of the rest of the family, didn't bother me at all. They knew her far better than I did and they understood.

When they were alive, I called them by their first names. Jennie and Al. I already have a mom and dad and it would seem weird to call someone else by those names. NancyLouise

I called them mom (always mom, she was the only one between us) & your dad when Dean and I talked about them...but Generally Mom to her and Joe for dad...everyone called him Joe!

Mine are both gone now but I called them by their first names.DH also called my parents by their first names.My DIL calls us by our first names as do our two son-in-laws (sons-in-law??).It would have felt strange calling my in-laws mom or dad.

When she was alive...I didn't call MIL anything.
She always referred to me as "Frannie's wife"...never in all those years introduced me by name.
FIL, I called "Dad"...as he asked me to.

They were divorced, and I understood why.

FIL was deceased before I ever met my husband, but I dearly loved my MIL and called her my "Udder Mudder" (other mother) or just "Mudder" on the phone or in person. She loved her special name.

I called them Mamaw Mac and Papaw Mac...Their last name was McNeill. This was the name given them by the first DIL.

I seem to call them both by their first name and also mom and dad. Just whatever comes out of my mouth at the time. I adore them both.

Trin

Called my first set by their first names. Called Twinkie's mom by her first name. Twinkie's dad died before we were married.

My first husband's father died several months before our wedding, so never had to call him anything as a father-in-law. I called my mother-in-law by her first name, Margaret, as did her other daughters-in-law.

My second-and-final husband's parents both died before we ever met, so there was never an issue as to what they'd be called.

My parents both died a few months before my first wedding, so neither of my husbands had to decide what to call them.

I always called my FIL Ed. I loved him to pieces.

MIL? I call her PITA! Pain in the you know what! She doesn't like me. She never has. Her son doesn't deserve me...my experiences (because I was married before)...or my kids. She told me this! Well, 15 years later, I am still around. My boys adore him and they, like me, see through her fake niceness, I love you's and promises. Unfortunately, she is living with us and I hate every second of every day around her. Even the way she breathes ticks me off. LOL

Aren't you glad you asked?

Early on, my mother in law asked me to call she and my DH's dad by their first names.
Lu

Always by their first names, Barb and Hal. They are the BEST ILs ever. At the beginning, DH (not-so, currently we're divorcing), warned me against MIL (Barb) insinuating her "black widow" tendencies...I see now that she has always just wanted to be everybody's BFF, before the term "BFF" was created; the downside was she could not keep confidences. But it was a good warning since I had just lost my own mother and would have been much too vulnerable to outside motherly influences. So I kept her at a respectful distance for most of our marriage, but in the past few months, she has been such a trooper in supporting me in this horrible time in which not-so-DH has taken a new, incomprehensible direction in his life.

in private or public? actually don't have a mil right now only a "gf" of fil...sweet lady but difficult to communicate with as she's had a stroke...we use first names...

DH's parents both died before we started dating. I called my ex-H's parents (DS's grandparents) Eleanor & Rudy. They were nicer to me than their son ;o)

Just an aside question to the above comment..."He's adopted by the way."
What does that have to do with a hill of beans?

I call them Pat and Jon. Brody will call them Nana and Pop when he finally talks. Sometimes I call MIL "Nana Pat" which I think is cute. I've never called them mom and dad though---I still have both of my parents around and they are mom and dad to me.

DH's father died when he was nine. (BTW, he's an adoptee too.) My parents separated when I was two and later divorced.

I called my MIL by her given name; after DS came along she became Grandma (Given Name). My DH called my mother by her given name; after DS she became Grandma (Given Name).

mrsmarv -- As an adoptive mother -- and leader of a search and support group for adult adoptees and birthparents for 15 years -- I can tell you that many adoptive mothers are overly possessive and extremely reluctant to give up their hard-gained role as 'Mother'. That wasn't the case with my MIL though. She never wanted to adopt; it was her DH who wanted a son.

"I can tell you that many adoptive mothers are overly possessive and extremely reluctant to give up their hard-gained role as 'Mother'."

Just a little info ~ I was adopted at birth and I thank goodness every single day that I had such wonderful parents. My mom (dad had died before I married DH) never had a problem with my DH calling her "Mom". To her, it was a sign of affection, love and respect. She was never reluctant about sharing her title with him ;o) As an adoptee, I never understood the need for adoptees to find their "birth parents" later in life. I have always been puzzled by that...but that's just me.

And I cannot imagine not wanting to know your birth family, who you look like, what you have inherited (medical information at the very least). It takes absolutely nothing away from your love for and belonging to your adoptive family.

We feel lucky if we have and know four grandparents or if we do genealogy on our families.

Our DS has two sets of parents, with very different roles in his life, but all are important to him. It's also been a gift to his birthfamilies to know firsthand that he is well and happy.

But, you are completely right, it's a choice.

Mrsmarv, my husband's little sister was adopted. She never had any desire to find her birth parents, either. I don't think it matters one whit what possible ailments you may have inherited; you have to deal with the hand you're dealt if and when something happens to you. When my nephew needed a bone marrow transplant, not one single person in the family was a match. He got his marrow from an anonymous donor. I am the first member of my family to have had cancer, as was my husband. My dad was diabetic, none of us kids are. FIL dropped dead of a heart attack on his 59th b'day, hub's heart is as strong as an ox's at age 69.

I called MIL by her first name. Hub calls my mom Grandma, which she loves, called my dad by his first name because they knew each other professionally. Hub and I are called by our first names by all our kids-in-law.

"...many adoptive mothers are overly possessive..."

That doesn't come close to describing the MIL I have to deal with. She's a controlling, manipulative Queen B. She adopted a son because several of her friends had adopted children and it was very important to "keep up with the Joneses."

She let him know from infancy that he was adopted, and he should be grateful he was adopted, and that he was "a sorry little SOB (her words) that was more trouble than six kids". In fact, he was "so much trouble" that she quickly decided she wouldn't adopt any more children.

On the other hand, if someone dares to say "adopted son" she goes off on a tangent. No one is supposed to "know" he's adopted after all these years. She detests the fact her brother raised two step-children, loves them and loves their children. He calls them his "sons" and "grandchildren," which they are.

She went off on a tangent to her brother that they are "only step grandchildren and no real blood relation; they're not family" and to quit calling them "grandchildren." She was violently angry about his choice of words. And yet, her son is adopted. I pointed out DH is not from her blood, no more than Tom's kids are from his, so I asked if she considered him not "real family" too. That she shut her trap...for a minute.

She makes a great show of always "hiding" his adoption papers, and then telling me where they are, and saying he must never, ever see them. She moves them about every six months, calls me to tell me where they are, and then goes into the song and dance that I'm to keep them hidden after she dies. Yeah; sure thing. He's 47; you'd think she was over it by now.

Since his late teens he has desperately wanted to find his birth family. He "feels" he has a brother, and he longs to know for sure. I tried to explain this to her. She said "well he doesn't need a brother at his age so he can just %$#@* forget about finding out."

I've been trying to find out how to go about finding his adoptive family but keep running into brick walls.

I'm sure there are wonderful incidents of adoptive parents loving and caring for their adoptive children. I'm sure there are adoptive children who feel special and loved, and even more specially loved because they were adopted.

Sadly, this is not the case of the dear, wounded man I live with.

*Dances cannot reply to this thread, as she seems to have bitten her tongue off, then each finger one by one.*

My kids call their grandmothers "Grandma Josie" and "Grandma Wood."

"I'm sure there are wonderful incidents of adoptive parents loving and caring for their adoptive children. I'm sure there are adoptive children who feel special and loved, and even more specially loved because they were adopted."

Wonderful, loving relationships are the norm in adoptive families. Your DH's situation is not. I don't think it matters whether or not your DH was adopted. She's just a pi$$ poor example of people who should never, ever have children, natural or adoptive, and it wouldn't matter if he was of her loins or not. If her actions are as you describe, she sounds mentally ill.

Excellent post, Mrsmarv! You have it exactly right!

Mrs Marv, I've been wondering the past few years if that's not the case. MIL says and does rather bizarre things, even by her standards, more often now. What we use to consider just her mean-spiritedness and vindictiveness does seem to border on a deeper problem. Some of his bizarre childhood stories point to an illness, too.

I've taken to saying she's "ill" and not in control of her tongue" each time before calling her. I try to not take her attacks on DH and myself personally. I call to check on her daily. I arm myself with happy news, quotes, or incidents I think she might enjoy and try to keep the conversation short.

Her latest issues to discuss with me are DH's job and clothing. She won't tell people about his job. She said she's "embarrassed" that he's "only" a police officer. He's a civilian police officer on the base; for the first 10 years of service he was a military police officer.

I sent her a group of photos recently. She told me she won't show her friends his recent photos because she doesn't like to see him wearing work boots and blue jeans. She actually said she was ashamed for people to know "how he turned out."

Twenty-two years of stellar military service, off to the desert four or five times, two college degrees, a wonderful "uncle" to my niece and nephew. Volunteers for all sorts of projects. People of all ages, from babies, to his hunting buddies, to the young military people he now works with, to old ladies, just adore him. And she's "ashamed" because he's not wearing wing-tips and suit every day. She wouldn't care if he was a mass-murderer or bank robber, if only he dressed the way she wants him to.

Sad, sad, sad. For both of them.

Caroline, that is sad. She and my MIL must have gone to the same school of motherhood. I say the exact thing about my DH and his mother, sad, sad, sad for both of them. He is not adopted, actually he was born after 10 years of longing for a son and being told she could not have another child. She doted on him as a boy. Now... not so much. He called her on Mothers Day, his dad answered the phone and then came back to say his mother would not come to the phone to talk to him! Bizarre. Now it seems like every thing he does disappoints her. And like you say, there is nothing to be disappointed about! We just cannot begin to figure her out and often wonder about her mental/emotional stability being the cause of some of her most strange moments. Her birthday is coming up, and we don't know if we should call or not! I can let it wash off me, it's not my mother. But I feel bad for DH being in this position with his mother. It just shouldn't be this complicated.