We lived in northern Indiana for about ten years when our kids were small. Terrie was 12 and Chris was 11 when we moved back to Oklahoma. How I hated it there! Snow on the ground before Halloween. Everybody had to wear coats over costumes to trick or treat. Incredible wind chill. Snow upon snow upon snow -- it didn't melt in between snows. The snow plow kept the roads clear but buried my AMC Gremlin every time. Not completely melted till around Mother's Day. On the up side, we only needed air conditioning about one week out of the whole summer, and we could get by without it by spending most of that week in the basement. Because of the sandy soil and good drainage, most homes had full basements. DH had to carry a shovel, rock salt, sand and some old tarps in the back of his truck in case he slid off the road and got stuck, or had to stop and help someone else who did. Everybody had studded snow tires and carried tire chains to boot. A few times he had to stay at work in East Chicago and sleep on a desk because visibility was just too bad to try to get home. We got caught in a snow storm one night, coming home from a party. We literally could not see the road in front of us and I was closer to freaking out than I had ever been in my life. We were 30 miles from home. If it hadn't been for that truck that got in front of us that had it's lights all on all around the back of the truck, we would've been in a ditch in no time. We had a CB radio at the time and the trucker talked with us. He was going to Valparaiso, which was just a little past where we lived. So we followed that wonderful guy all the way to our home. Angels come in all forms. I was really glad the kids were staying all night at DH's brother's house. The kids would ride the bus to school, bundled in layers, with knitted scarves over their faces because the wind chill would burn their tender bare skin. Gloves inside mittens. Two pair of socks inside shoes inside galoshes. Brrrrrr! Hard to get to the grocery store, and to get home sometimes. Luckily we had a well-stocked pantry and deep-freeze. One time DD and I both had strep throat and had to make our way to the doctor's office in the bitter cold. I stayed in so much I'd have cabin fever every winter. We moved there because DH's brother lived there and said that wages were so much higher there. He failed to mention that so was the cost of living. After getting used to that, we found winters here quite balmy. Been back here now since 1979 and I don't like the cold and ice any better than anyone else, but I sure do appreciate the fact that we don't get all that snow and bitter cold. And that we do get some warm days even in January.

Wow, lots of responses to address. Thanks everybody, for taking the time to give me your input. I agree with the comment that perfectionism can just be another word for controlling. And really taking the time to analyze this whole challenge I'm up against has led me to recall several other examples of times where I've been hurt by this personality trait (flaw!!) Some of them are just so obvious to me, I truly can't believe he doesn't realize the damage he causes!!!! Ex: When we moved a few months ago, I had been boxing up everything we owned for two days straight. And in the days prior to that, making all the runs to U Haul to get boxes, bubble wrap etc. By Friday, I was exahusted. Only our toobrushes and a few pairs of clothes remained. We could barely walk through our house, because the boxes were stacked so high--that's how steadily I had stayed on task. My back, my legs were so sore from all the leaning down and lifting, my fingers had paper cuts and I felt worn down, unshowered, and just flat out exhausted. (And I'm NOT a housewife---all that was ON TOP of putting in a full week at work.) All I wanted to do was get out of the house and go see a movie to relax and unwind and reward myself. But my husband's sister was in town with her two little kids for the weekend, and my in-town in-laws had already made a reservation for all of us at a restaurant--in an hour! I told my husband I was NOT feeling up to a long night out with everyone, and actually that I was pretty awed by their insensitivy and expectations knowing we were in the process of MOVING. I offered to visit his sister the next day after I had gotten some rest. But no, he wanted to go through with the big dinner, said that "the moving would get done." I told him it was easy for him to say when all he had done while I was breaking my back was make little runs to Lowes or Home Depot, coming back with a roll of tape or a new hammer, etc. (By the way, I hadn't complained at all about him being gone because I knew if he was around, I wouldn't have been putting things in the boxes the right way or I would have been using too much bubble wrap or taping it the wrong way, etc.) Anyway...point being, one of his famous quotes during times like that is "Don't worry, calm down, It will get done." HOWWWWW does he think it will get done if we don't spend time on it? Are all the lamps and paintings and cookware and china supposed to find their way into the boxes themselves??? And WHHHYY is it so hard to tell his family "Look, we can't make dinner tonight, she's been packing for 2 days straight and is totally worn out. I'm gonna take her to the movies so she can relax. We'll see yall tomorrow instead." P.S. We had just seen his sister about a month earlier, so it's not like we hadn't seen her in a year or anything! Ok...back to the present. I think, as yall suggested, it's a good suggestion to talk with my husband about all this on a day when we're calm and "an episode" hasn't just happened. Because our most recent talk DID happen that way, and it's always hard to stick directly on topic when recently angered.... Then we just end up on other tangents, and make the situation worse. I bought a book over the weekend called "Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget." The author (Legato, probably mis-spelling it) sounds very qualified and a lot of her analysis includes scientific backup--about how literally the female brain, female hormones, etc. operate so differently than the male brain, etc. I thought this approach might reach my "smart" husband better than "just another self help book with a woman writing about male vs. female communication." And it IS quite interesting. Talks about how men and women handle stress differently,and gives reasons why. Like how oxytocin and cortisol are produced at faster rates when women get stressed or upset. Enabling us to feel the situation more deeply, and also remember it in greater detail ( No wonder I can still recall our fights over the past year as if they happened yesterday!) And as for why "men never remember" there is lots of info. on the basic "instincts" of how males operate. How they are "wired" so to speak, NOT to remember...going back to the days of men being the hunter gatherers and if they remembered every detail of the last battle, they wouldn't have the bravery to go out there and do it again! Anyway, after reading a few pages and some of the anecdotes of husbands and wives, I was relating and laughing...and read him a few. We both laughed a little and I think it kind of broke the ice. Hopefully it will lead to some more conversation. The other day I tried what one of you posted..about praising him for the positive/wonderful things first and then stating the issue that's bothering me next. That seemed to reach him a little bit.

A few more items to add to my earlier post: This country pulled together during WW2. Everyone contributed to the effort. I believe it was because we as a nation was scared. When you become scared enough, you are willing to deal with desperate measures. It was a shock that the Japanese could easily sink a large part of the Pacific Fleet in one pass. We knew that Japan had a navy including submarines. Their fighter planes powered with Mitsibushi engines were equal to ours. After Pearl Harbor, we feared Japanese attacks on the west coast. There were more rumors floating around than truths. The problem was, there were enough actual incidents to fuel the rumors. Many things were tried to demoralize the population. It was tried to float incendary devices with baloons over the west coast. The idea was to set cities on fire. It did not work, but a few forest fires were set. In the Alantic Ocean, our merchant ships were being sunk by German U-boats. Submarine conning towers had been sighted off the east coast. Germany had war planes as well, but we feared their navy more. With both oceans filled with danger and Europe falling to pieces, we at last became scared for our lives and entered the fray 110%. Great effort was made to improve our fighter planes. In 1940, we did not have a big bunch of capable fighter style planes. A rush was done to make aircraft carriers more effective and equipment them with better planes. One the planes that became a premier fighter was the P51 Mustang. It set off to war with an underpowered engine. By war's end, its power almost doubled and it becanme a force to be reckoned with. The gull shaped wing Corsair had an interesting development. That plane was chosen to be adapted for carrier use. There are two requirements for carrier based airplanes that is different to gound based aircraft. It was desired to have folding wings so that more planes could be stored ina given space and the landing gear had to have almost more ft of compression to deal with the very hard deck landings. Now that extra compresion brought on another problem and that was banging the propeller into the deck. The Corsair had been under deveoplment as a land based airplane. Its designer needed to make it ready for carrier use in about 6 months. He did not have enough time to develop a completely new landing gear and figure out how to fold it insde the aircraft. This is what he did. He aimed the first part of the wing downward so that the shortie landing gear would hold high the nose of the plane. The hinge of the folding wing was right over the landing gear. The engineer gave the outer part of the wing a greater angle upward than normal practice. He did this in hopes it would negate some of the negative angle of the inner part of the wing. Designers of the day were building wings that were bent up a bit to aid stability. That negative bend was a worry. The engineer had not a clue if this would work. He more or less 'eye balled' the design making a guess as to what was proper. This gave the plane a distinctive gull wing shape. It was a nerve racking day when the test pilot put the plane into the air for the first time - It worked! And our designer became an instant hero. He had an equal chance of being panned and ridiculed. Radar development was fast and furious as well. Some pretty awkward designs were pushed out the door. There was no time for refinements. A sister development was SONAR for under water use. Penicillin was another WW2 development. It probably saved more lives than anything else. Down on the farms, fertilizers came into widespread use and unfortunately, DDT too. A national speed limit on trucks was 45 mph in the interest of saving fuel and wear (and tires). I'm not sure this was an effective thing because it slowed moving overland freight and extended driver's time behind the wheel. The city of Portland, Oregon became a ship building center. Many Liberty ships were made there. But you may ask, "Why Portland? Its 100 miles from the ocean." Its distance from the ocean was the very reason is was chosen. That portion of the Columbia river is deep enough to float ocean going ships (if they do not have too much draft). Nets made of heavy chains were placed in the stream to prevent a sub from navigating upriver. These chains were far enough below the surface to allow small boats to pass over. Anytime a large ship was to pass, these chains were dropped to the bottom. Listening and observation posts were established along the Aluetian chain of islands of Alaska. This chain stretches far across the northern Pacific. The poor souls who manned these posts were expendible. If anything happened to them, the military was not going to spend extraordinary rescue effort. The reasoning was the probability of success was low and it would be wasted effort. These hardy souls were on their own. Once settled in during late summer, you be spending the winter there. One of my cousins was one of those people. During the early part of the war, a country wide scrap metal drive was made. Independent truckers (mostly farm trucks and private businesses) canavssed the country side gathering scrap metal to send to the smelters. Iron based metals were of high demand followed by aluminum and copper. The first drive was sucessful but soon aferward, the government believed it needed more. A second drive was made and this time, there was not much to be had. After the second drive, there was no spare metal left on farmsteads. The local blacksmith managed to keep enough metal to keep his shop running. Before the war, it was common practice to pick up hitchhikers. The great depression had made hitchhikers out of many persons. In the rural communities, it was the thing to do, to give you neighbor a lift if you saw him trudging down the road. By war's end, this changed. As happened more than a few times, a soldier on furlough would make a home visit or to a relative or sweetheart and then use hitch hicking augment his trip back to base. The general population would offer rides if they were traveling his direction. Unfortunately, low lifes of our country began to take advantage of that situation. They might sit beside the road with a duffle bag and be clothed in a tattered and dirty uniform while their only purpose was to rob you along some lonely stretch of road and maybe take your car. A number of victims were killed. That was too bad, because a few soldier boys did get into bar fights, became unkempt, and maybe lost their money. They'd be AWOL if they did not get back to base. A nation wide campaign began to avoid hitch hikers. You gave a ride to only those you knew, and never to strangers. This was one of the negative effects on our society. The decline of small country churches began when farm communities became depopulated during the war. This trend continues today and the small country church is disappearing. First it was the close of the one room schools followed by the churches. The churches had been the social center of rural populations. It served up more than religion. It was the place to catch up on community news, arrange other social events, and maybe go to someone's home after church for Sunday dinner. There was no television and movies were frowned upon on Sunday. Boys and girls arranged dates. In summer, swimming and picnicing were popular. Chowders and family reunions were common. That all began to evaporate with the population shift and the tremedous advances in communications, both personal and public.

Springermom, I am stunned that your uncle was so mean. You might try writing a letter to this Uncle. Not to ever send and since he has passed perhaps simply put it aside for a little while to burn later. Writing down how he hurt you, may help you deal with this pain. Crying makes us vulnerable and you were in the most vulnerable spot imaginable. Your uncle was a weak and insecure man. His anger at your show of emotion was wrong. I was not there to say if he did this with malice. It may be that he was unable to deal with his own grief and attacking you was his way of coping. There are many ways he could have handled his own angst at this funeral. He could have walked away or remained silent. What he did by yelling at you was that he stole your ability to heal yourself, express yourself and let the pain out. Crying plays an essential role in our biology as well as our social and cultural experiences. We can't always stop the tears from flowing, but crying gives our bodies and those around us a moment to pause. It is a time to either be alone, be hugged or let those emotions out. A famous British psychiatrist Henry Maudsley said "The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep." For those of us who have trouble letting the tears out we must remind ourselves that it is okay to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to have moments of emotional expression. Thinking of you and wishing that if the tears decide to flow you will know that you are allowed to cry. ~boxerpups