Don't blame.

Use "I" sentences rather than "you" sentences ("I feel ..." rather than "You always/never ...")

Focus on solutions (and don't get sidetracked).

Try the solution for a while, revisit at a preset date and see if it's working.

With 2 boys 5 and 9?, give up now.

Having said that, maybe google storage solutions. For my kids, I bought tote bins that fit under their beds where things that they *had* to keep such as school projects etc, were stored.

Be ruthless about doing a clean-up of the house once a year and get rid of stuff that no longer fits (clothing for the kids, their sports equipment),, is no longer used (games or toys that are no longer played with), go through all the paper that comes into the house once a week (that was always my problem) and deal with it.

Once a year in the spring I would take all the shoes in the closets and put them by the front entrance with a box. The kids and DH had to go and put the shoes that no longer fit or were worn out or no longer worn into the box and they were thrown out. In September I would get out all the sports equipment and lay it out and try everything on everybody (ski boots, soccer cleats, ski wear) and if it didn't fit it would get recycled.

It wasn't having the stuff around that bothered me so much but rather the stuff that was no longer used that bugged me.

However, my sons are now 25 and 27 and I just got rid of their little kids sled to my niece for her kids.

If it's more important to you than to the rest of the family, take charge of it quietly, that's what I had to do.

Great suggestions by bfenton.

We have 3 boys and the youngest is now 17, the house is SO quiet and I miss the messes they make.

When I think of the early years I remember living in a perpetual mess with things cleaned up only on the weekends because we always a church group meeting at our home om Saturdays. My boys knew the clean up drill and one told me in his early teens while cleaning up that I lived a life of deception. So now cleanup is called "Deception time!" It's also very handy to host large parties and have overnight visitors because it forces you to keep the usual hiding places cleaned out once in a while also. Also hubby could be pressed into small home improvements at those times. I am the clutterer in our home and was much more willing to dump old stuff when faced with having to clear out the spare bedroom for visitors. Otherwise it would have gotten fuller and fuller.

It may also be helpful to hire an organizer to set up systems in your home that makes putting things away easier. That has really helped me this past decade and it helps to have someone asking "might you ever use that again?"

So enjoy your young boys while you can, perhaps you can schedule events and visitors to your home to have forced cleanups. Don't stress too much about it otherwise. The boys will not see the mess but they will remember that you spent time with them. Memories are more important than things. Soon enough they will leave and you will have lots of time to get your house in order.

~Oh scrappy your talking about cleaning reminds me of one time when the kids were young and I was vacuuming the front entrance and they wanted to know who was coming over!

Always a struggle!
DH just got home from a week at a golf resort.... I don't get why he thinks this is where his clubs go?

It's a perpetual problem here too. Dh doesn't like to let go of stuff. But we have a small, old, house with little storage space. It seems to work better for him if I only ask for a few items at a time. Going through all of his t-shirts, for example, is too challenging for some reason. I trade foot rubs for items (yes, I'll rub your feet if you will give me three t-shirts to get rid of). We also try to have a one in, at least one out rule. New pair of shoes? Pitch an old pair right now, better yet, pitch two.

In our house, things that are unused just 'disappear' especially clothes. He never notices.

Linda

Lol Kitch, my DH hangs his gym shorts and tee over one of our living room chairs. Then, his jackets go on the back of the dining chairs. I don't mind one, after all he lives here too, (that is what he says when I complain) but I dropped ew the line when there were four out of the six chairs taken up with a hoodie or jacket.

But, back to the original post. Melle, go easy on yourself. When my daughters were growing up, I tried to keep a neat (not necessarily clean)!home. I held weekly Girl Scout meetings and it gave me the incentive to keep clutter at bay.

With a small home, I agree that you need to look into all kinds of storage options. Go to The Container Store for good storage solutions.
Do as much as you can with the stuff you are in charge of.

I give away my old clothes to the poor and needy. I don't throw them out.

I read this that you need tips to get hubby to compromise. You're not really having problems with the boys. I do remember the post about wanting to reclaim the LR from all the video equipment and hubby having none of it. I remember a post in Home Buying where it sounded like you were not given much choice in buying that home, which is at the root of the problem. You guys quickly outgrew the home but you're stuck there for the foreseeable future.

I think if you clarify the problem, you'll get some useful tools to deal with hubby. I am always impressed with the quality of responses here. I have felt sad reading your posts and feeling your unhappiness with your home. One of the worst things is feeling we have no choice in an unhappy situation.

Amen May, I agree that it's tough to be stuck in a position where one person is always the one who compromises. Believe me I speak from experience.

Everyone made excellent suggestions. Having a smaller home makes it even more difficult for you. Is there any unused space that you could use as storage? Under the bed storage is a wonderful idea as that is unused space that could be utilized. If you have any empty wall in the garage you could put up shelves to store items that are often unused.

Daisy is right that when you discuss use the word I instead of you as that takes away the blame factor.

Aw may_flowers, thanks.

To all -- thank you! It's really not my boys that are so much the issue, I've worked hard to get their stuff under control. I'm struggling more w/getting DH to compromise, or to figure out a good way to be realistic about myself and whether or not I'm truly compromising.

But sometimes it feels like a turf war. I don't want that. Is DH right, is he trying really hard? Or is he just being a jerk?

I do feel like there's a lot of wisdom here on the decorating forum, which is why I posed the question.

Maybe a question to ask yourself and your DH is why he feels that way? Is there a valid reason that he is unwilling to compromise, and could you possibly talk about that?

The older I get, I realize that people rarely behave a certain way just out of pure jerkiness. There's always a bigger reason, and maybe if you could work on that, you could find some ways to compromise? Maybe start by asking if he's happy with how the house is?

If you do all the cleaning and decorating here’s the compromise… Anything left out by husband goes into one bin or vacant drawer. When the one bin or drawer is full throw half of the contents out. Usually if they have stuff they never look at they put it up high. Get rid of most all but leave a few things so you can look puzzled if they ask. 1) Don’t touch tools. 2) Don’t touch mementoes from childhood. 3) Don’t throw away any sports related stuff. If 1, 2, or 3 is left out and not put away in its proper place hide it. Make them look for it and explain why.

This is a matter of no respect and laziness toward one part of the relationship that has the responsibility of orderliness and cleanliness.

If the husband does at least half the house work and at least half the decorating you can still set some rules but the rules should be drawn up by both of you and agreed upon. If it is 50/50 there may be some things that you do that he does not like and that should be addressed as well.

Cry and tell DH that you're very unhappy, are ashamed to bring people into the house as it and you either want to move to a larger house or make changes to the existing house that makes you want to stay where you are.

Well these ideas certainly run the gamut!

You've all given me much to ponder, which I appreciate :-) I do contribute to part of the problem, my sewing stuff takes up more space than it probably should. I'm going to eliminate one sewing machine, so I'm down to three instead of four -- two in the garage and only one in the house. That will help (the one I'll eliminate is borrowed long-term, I'll give it back). After holidays I'm going to seriously evaluate the fabric situation. That's about the time we're going to start tackling the living room and all the electronics mess etc...so that will help.

k9arlene -- IDK if this gives insight, but my DH says that if our friends are going to judge us based on our house, they aren't friends worth having. That said, both of us only ever have very close friends visit, never acquaintances.

The smaller the space, the better organized it has to be. One or two things left out in a large room fade into the background. In a small room, they grab the spotlight and make the whole room look messy. And once people see a "mess," they feel better about leaving more mess. In a neat, clean room, they have a greater tendency to pick up after themselves.

Stop making the argument about wanting a tidy house when friends come over. Tell your DH that *you* want a tidy house, for *you*. That living in messy, chaotic surroundings bothers *you*. That *you* feel unloved when DH creates more mess, or won't let you deal with existing mess. It's harder for him to say that you and your feelings don't matter.

And you want to set a good example for your children.

Down to specifics.

If you run a business out of your home, you should have a dedicated space for that business. A separate room, if at all possible. You should not have to store basic equipment, like sewing machines, in the garage. Take your home business seriously and create a space for it where you can leave your machines set up and have a decent amount of fabric storage.

It may mean turning your dining room into your workspace, or carving out space in the garage. It may involve adding built-in storage to the space, in terms of shelving or closets. You could take one wall of a room, with no windows or doors, and run shelving along it, and a drop-down work surface, add electric, and then use bi-fold closet doors to hide it all, creating a custom work space for your business that can be hidden away at the end of the day.

It takes a bit of money to do this. But I think that spending that money will send a message to DH that your business is a serious business. That it is worth spending the money on it, so that you have an organized work space--and having an organized work space means that you will be more productive and make more money. But I have found that buying a small organizer here and another one there eventually doesn't work. You end up with many small pieces of furniture and/or plastic drawer units and they just look cluttered. Taking to the time to work out a total solution for storing your fabric and equipment in one place will pay off in the end, I promise.

As for DH, I agree with the "I" statements. "Dear one, it bothers me when you drop your jacket on the kitchen floor. First, it looks cluttered. Second, it is a tripping hazard when I'm walking through the kitchen carrying hot pans. Third, it sets a poor example for the kids. Can we work on why this is the best place for you to put your jacket, and see if we can't come up with an alternative that works for us both?"

And then ask him what it is about the coat closet, where the jacket is supposed to go, that makes him not want to use it. It could be as simple as the coat closet is by the front door and he usually comes in the back door. Okay, so you need a place for his jacket by the back door.

Then he might say that he's in a rush most times as he comes in, and doesn't like having to open the closet, find an empty hanger, get the jacket on the hanger and shove it back into the crowded closet. Possible solutions could include putting a hook just for his jacket and his alone on the outside of the closet door, or clearing out the closet of unneeded or unused items, or getting a special hanger in a bold color just for DH's jacket so that he never has to search for one.

And if he pulled the line about how the mess doesn't bother him, so it's okay to leave it, I'd come right back and say that the mess bothers *me*. I would feel disrespected if he didn't at least try to work on the issue, once he knew it was important to *me*.

37 years ago I, a very neat person, married a messy one. The solution for us at the time was to designate a husband-only "mess zone." It was a little corner (actually in a closet) where he could throw his clothes, shoes, etc. If I found things lying around the house, he understood that I could throw them in the "mess zone" for him. The rest of the house was left unmolested, as long as he didn't have to go to the trouble of actually hanging things up. I could handle the mess in the "zone," if he could handle leaving the rest of the house neat.

Well, this lasted a while, but eventually he became as neat as a pin, without any coaxing from me. I think the "mess zone" became just too messy, even for him.

I agree with everyone here who has urged you to let him know that the condition of your house is important to you, not just when guests are expected. There must be plenty of areas of life that are important to him, which I would bet you respect.

Sometimes I think that men just don't want to be told what to do, even if they agree with the outcome. If you're anything like me, your mental health depends on a living space that is not chaotic. I think he might be able to understand that your definition of chaotic is different from his and reach a solution.

I am almost done with a massive craft room re-do. I have a LOT of fabric, plus all of the things needed to make things out of fabric, PLUS supplies for all sorts of other crafts. I could open my own Joanns with the mountains of things...Even though it's a separate room, there's no door to close it off and hide the mess, and it's visible from the living room. It had to be more functional, but I wanted it to be pretty.

Anyway, clear tote bins stored on a heavy duty rolling shelf ($100 Walmart) holds a LOT of fabric. I sorted fabric by color, so I can quickly see which bin to grab.

I took an old hollow core door, added table legs, painted, and added a fabric skirt (attached with Velcro at the top). It creates a huge flat work surface, but stored underneath are all of those tacky plastic rolling drawers, a paper shredder, equipment, etc. Visual clutter is zero, the skirt is washable, and I have a new work surface. Score!

I made a small narrow rolling dolly for the sewing machines that fits under my sewing table. When I need a machine, I just roll it out and grab one. When I'm not sewing, the machines are rolled under the table, so the tabletop is clean and uncluttered.

Install a pegboard, either on the wall or inside a closet door. Go as big as you can. If it's hidden you can leave it as is, or paint it if it will be seen.

None of this was expensive or difficult to do and the room looks 100% better. My DH is messy and struggles to get rid of anything, but that room was all on me. I had a hard time getting rid of some of it, but now that the room is almost done and looks So. Much. Better. I don't regret tossing anything.

Melle...I've got a drapery workroom and can sympathize with the fabrics & supplies getting out of control. Before I got the shop, I had eleven (yes, eleven) sewing machines at the house and tried to contain everything in an 11 X 12 room. We've since sold that house, but there's a pic of the old sewing room below.

Is there enough room in the garage to add some storage? When my sewing room got too full, I had to steal space from the sitting room in our bedroom. I used tall bookcases for the flatfold fabrics and trims. Long panels that attached to the top of the bookcases kept everything hidden and dust free. Small bolts of fabric went under the bed, but the larger ones (linings and such) stood up in the sewing room.

The room was tiny, but very functional. I made a wall of cabinets using things from the big box store. Drawers were used on the bottom row and then I stacked cabinets with doors on top. I used pegboard to keep often used items at arms length.

The small cutting/pressing table has sides that fold flat so that it can be pushed against the wall. For the large worktable, I cut a piece of plywood in half and attached a piano hinge so that it could be folded in half. It was then finished out with high temp padding and canvas. I kept it stored in a closet under the stairs and put it on top of the kitchen island when I used it. Worked great!

My poor DH has figured out that when I'm on a binge of organizing he needs to stay out of the way until I get to his things...then he'd better join in and help or he may never find his things again.

When our boys were little, they had to pick up their own things and put them away. If they didn't do it when asked, I'd pick them up and put them in a basket that I kept on a top shelf in the closet. I put everything in there...shoes, coats, toys, etc. If the boys wanted their things back they had to BUY them with their own money that they earned doing chores. The cost was 25 cents per item. They learned to pick up after themselves really quickly! Don't think it would work on husbands though. :)

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This post was edited by k9arlene on Sun, Oct 26, 14 at 13:36

DH is not a hoarder, but I can see those tendencies in him...extreme sentimentalism... whenever we're cleaning stuff out. I find that if I let him be completely in charge of the decision making, he throws more stuff out and asks me more questions about if I think he should keep something. If he feels himself losing control of the decision-making process at all, he suddenly wants to keep everything...I find it helpful to comment that he's in charge or he's the decider or it's up to him several times while we're in process...it seems to keep things moving along better.

"IDK if this gives insight, but my DH says that if our friends are going to judge us based on our house, they aren't friends worth having."

That is not the point and I'm sure he knows it; it's just a lazy excuse not to change. My former MIL (long gone now) had a tiny - and I mean tiny - home and three stairstep kids. It was crowded and cluttered, but when he complained, she told him she could care for the kids or clean. End of discussion. Despite the post-hurricane appearance, their home was a hub of activity. She was a fabulous cook and I think that made up for some of the disarray.

That's not you. If I understand all you've written, you're home 24/7 (or nearly) and want a pretty house. Yet, everything you've suggested has been rebuffed with one excuse after another, despite many, many practical solutions offered here - and that you've come up with yourself. Have you been able to make one single change?

You are looking for compromise from someone who is determined to hold the reins of power. Your "DH" is either happy with the way he is or happy to remain miserable (there are both kinds of people) as long as he gets to make every decision, either through action or inaction. If you want to change anything, you will have to do it yourself, without 'permission' from him. You're supposed to be equal partners; take your half of the power and use it.

I don't know if my comment will be appropriate for your situation or if it will even mean anything.

I was home a lot as well and I remember years ago asking for something wrt to the house (I can;t remember now what it was but knowing me it wasn't anything major) and DH said "no" you're just a SAHM (Ok red flags regardless of the situation and the last time he said that) but what I explained to him is that he goes off everyday to his nice office and this house, our house, is MY office from where I do MY job and I deserve to have it, for the most part, set up the way I need it and want it.

I took my power in what I thought was an appropriate situation and manner and in a way that he understood. He actually handed over the reins to me and he has, funnily enough, been happier for it as well.

My house would look like a hoarder house if I didn't clean up everyday. Is there a neat gene? You can't control DH, but I agree with the poster who had a closet corner for hubby's stuff that neglected to put away. A wrinkled mass of clothes might motivate him to use a hanger. My only advice is to get your children involved. The best thing I ever did was to post a chore list (make it age appropriate) and have expectations of when their chores MUST be completed.Kids can bring clean laundry to rooms, empty trash etc. While they won't always do the greatest job, they learn the value of helping the household run smoothly.

There is no doubt that clutter leads to stress...some studies suggest women feel the stress from clutter more than men. Perhaps share this with him so he can help you be a less stressed wife.

Here is a link that might be useful: clutter and depression

About 5 years ago I left work FT to be SAHM -- started my home biz a couple years into SAHM ;-)

Being home all day, especially now that my kids are in school for a large part of that time, this place gets on my nerves. I'm sure that's a big part of it, everything that isn't how I would like is amplified by having to be around it day in and day out.

Maybe part of it is that I have unreal expectations -- like I do want an immaculate, minimalist kitchen but then I cook all the time, too, and so it's a functional work area as well.

persnicketydesign -- that's a great workspace! It looks to be about the size of our bedrooms ;-)

My kids have charts, and keep their stuff cleaned up for the most part. But clutter DOES breed clutter, that I have witnessed. Maybe I need to make greater effort to take care of the clutter before it breeds. Since it's important to me, maybe I'm just asking too much from my DH.
__________________________________________________

Since we'll be re-doing the LR early next year, I want to prepare for being reasonable about our things. I want to be ready to compromise and also be assertive. But my DH has an attitude of that the house is at least half his space so he should get at least half the decisions. He says he's doing the work (the installation or moving or whatever) so he should get to make the choices. I do what I can, but someone has to watch the kids too. It's just a big struggle, and with every project it only gets a little easier.

Perhaps suggest that you go to his workplace and arrange the space to suit you? Since your workplace as a SAHM is your home, it seems that you should have it suit your needs first of all.

It's really a power struggle and a means of putting down your contribution to suggest that since HE is doing the labor of moving, he gets to decide. Not much of a partnership attitude.

Since my husband died, I have devised so many methods of doing things that was so much easier for him to do because of his size and strength. I've moved bookcases upstairs single handedly, I've moved antique armoires around, etc. All by getting the feet one at a time onto a thick towel or upside down throw rug and scootching things across the floor. It's quite easy, once you devise the method.

If you have some close friends, maybe invite them over during the daytime and have them help you move/hang things. Perhaps if he doesn't feel so indispensable, he'd be more willing to compromise with you and agree that having a happy wife is a good thing.

" But my DH has an attitude of that the house is at least half his space so he should get at least half the decisions. He says he's doing the work (the installation or moving or whatever) so he should get to make the choices."

Why does he get to decide how to decide?

I think olychick is right and some of this is a power struggle.

I mean, even if you agree that his making 50% of the decisions in the house is fair, that doesn't necessarily mean that he gets to make 50% of the decisions on how to decorate and furnish every room.

Together, you two could decide that you get to make 100% of the decisions on your dedicated home business workspace, and in return, he gets to make 100% of the decisions on the garage and his own personal space, if you have room to carve some out for him.

Then you'd go 50/50 on the bedroom, because that is a private space that the two of you share.

But if you do most of the cooking, then it stands to reason that you should get to make most of the decisions on the kitchen.

And maybe you get to make 75% of the decisions on the living room, and he gets to make 75% of the decisions on the kids' rooms.

Or something like that.

And I would also insist that both spouses get veto power. If someone really, really doesn't like something, they get to veto it. The veto doesn't come into play if you just don't like the shade of blue the other one chose, but you do agree that blue is a good color for the room, for example.

You get to veto when you absolutely, positively can't stand something. For example, orange is my least favorite color in the world. I wouldn't veto an orange throw pillow, or vase, or flowers or artwork. Those are all small and easily changed. So my spouse could get touches of orange, but I wouldn't have to see it everywhere I looked.

But I would veto orange walls or upholstered furniture--things that are more expensive, or will be around for decades or are more difficult to change. Because orange reminds me of orange traffic cones, and emergencies, and that makes me nervous. I want my home to be peaceful and serene and a place to unwind. Orange counteracts that.

And making choices is work, don't let your DH forget that. Choosing the right sofa means researching the various furniture brands, shopping (which can be exhausting), remembering all the various facets that need to be considered--price, quality, durability, comfort, height from floor, stain-resistance, etc. You may be doing the work of the research and he may be doing the work of moving the sofa to the best position. Which takes more time and energy?

"He says he's doing the work (the installation or moving or whatever) so he should get to make the choices."

Taking this to its logical conclusion:

The person who cleans gets to choose how clean the house is.

The person who cooks gets to choose what the family will eat, whether the rest of the family likes it or not.

The person who does the laundry gets to choose when to do it, whether or not everyone in the family has clean underwear.

It's a straw man argument.

Tell him you feel disrespected that you get no say in how the home looks when you're the one in the home all day and the one who has to maintain it. Ask him how he would feel if his boss told him his work place had to be set up exactly the way boss wants it. Your husband is sounding like a bully. Stand up to him and enlist help from friends to do some of the things you want to change without husband's permission.

The thing is…you need a good solid plan. There is no point in making any argument until you have the details nailed down. Sometimes you have to impress with knowledge. This isn’t an uncommon thing in young relationships (the power pulls with no direction). If there is any construction of any kind you need to educate yourself on products, have a basic understanding of the process, know costs vs quality on items, measurements and have a rough time frame for completion. Know who is going to do what!!! Start a log with all the details above that include products to help with organization.

Maybe you could try not breaching the subject again until you have a very good handle on it. Looks like you are going to have to educate yourself in all the above to be a strong partner with a voice. This isn’t a bad thing because there will be many projects in the years to come that you will do together. Sometimes the men just get overwhelmed by extra work on top of a job and not really understanding exactly what you want or why. So, they come out with…I’m doing it my way. It’s not always meant to be against your wishes but is more about how neither party understands why their attitudes are what they are.

Posted by melle_sacto: At what point do you give up on trying to have a clean, nicely decorated, minimal space?

I'd 'give up' on decorating, etc as soon as the second boy is born or you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Minimalism and kids is like oil and water and ends up being frustrating to all.

Murphy's Laws concerning raising boys and keeping a household:

1. No matter how thoroughly you clean or inspect the house before the in-laws visit, the one dirty footprint on the wall that you missed will reveal itself later, in a photograph, behind your mother-in-law.

2. The magnetic attraction between a vase and a wayward football is in direct proportion to it's sentimental value.

Perhaps folks know other Murphy's laws about kids and cleaning?

Be honest about what you really need to be happy, not what you want, would like or think you deserve or should have.

Perhaps designate one room or area (your bedroom, the kitchen) etc. as the clean room. A no toys, no sports equipment, no mud, make-a-mess-clean-it-up-imeadeatly zone. This would be best if it was a room where you could go to chill or organize your thoughts, where you do the books, log on to the computer or read a book.

Compromise isn't always the best solution because a lot of territory and ownership issues may come from past experience, poor communication or power tripping (on both sides).

Communication and consensus might be a better route for long term satisfaction.

First communicate your needs and expectations, but rather than looking forward to 'compromise' (everyone is equally unhappy) look forward to 'consensus' (everyone is equally satisfied). Because often compromise gets bogged down in cross purposes.

Eample of Compromise:
DH "I don't want you driving the Buick"
DW "Can, I at least drive it on Thursdays when I pick the girls up for bridge"
DH "Fine"
Both are equally miserable with the solution.

Example of Consensus"
DH "I am often frustrated when I find out you have taken the Buick out during the day"
DW "Yes, it's a lot easier to find parking with it when I go to the salon, what's the problem?"
DH "I suppose it's easier to park, but you always leave it in the drive way and that's a hassle for me when I get home. I know it's a little thing, but it bugs me to no end."
DW, "I didn't know that. I don't have a problem moving the cars around when I take the Buick. I remember to do that in the future"
Both are equally satisfied.

In consensus you might look first to find each others needs and desires and then come up with an acceptable resolution, one that can be supported by all parties. That might include compromise, changing a habit, or doing nothing but understand and acknowledge each other.

Here is a link that might be useful: Consensus decision making

This post was edited by Lilylore on Tue, Oct 28, 14 at 12:14

Lilylore -- thank you for the link on consensus decision making!!!

I'm positive that a huge part of the problem between my DH and I are past power-struggles, poor communication etc.

I'm going to see if I can find a book on consensus decision making, in preparation for the the big LR project. We've done a major kitchen remodel (definitely had problems making decisions), a major master bath remodel (less of problem with decisions as I left some to him, but I'm not too happy with his decisions about buying off-the-shelf stuff just to finish fast) and now in-process major main bath remodel (fewer problems).

I want to be a team-player, and both he and I were always successful leaders/teammates in our respective jobs. For some reason, though, sparks fly when we have to work together. Reaching consensus sounds a lot more promising than reaching compromise :-)

Incidentally, after reading some of the tips here I've tried just taking the lead with MY things, and then mentioning to him that I left his stuff for him to address...he was pretty receptive to that!

Lots of good ideas here.

This is somewhat pertinent to my (our) current situation as my partner and I have moved in together (his house, mine is listed). So there have been many decisions as to which household items to keep or dispose of. My decorating style is 'more' and his is 'less' so at first it seemed there could be conflict. However, once he understood that many of my decorative accessories were important to me, and since combining some of his items with mine in a tasteful way he is quite pleased with the result. As others compliment us on the way the house is decorated there is no longer resistance. He also knows I am disposing of many of my belongings and soon we will shop together for things we both like to replace what needs to be.

Fortunately, he is quite tidy and I'm old enough to not stress about the small stuff!

Communication has been the key to resolving any potential disagreements.

I was really having a hard time de cluttering because of SO's attachment to things. Robotropolis suggest I read Peter Walsh's book, It's All Too Much. Really great book and was a huge help in getting over the "Your Stuff, My Stuff" hurdles.

I haven't read all the responses, but quite honestly, I think one needs to give up trying to change someone else's behavior. You can change your behavior, and you can change how you react to that of others.
Otherwise you find yourself in a power struggle and resentment.
And, yes, I understand that this advice is hard to follow.

Just wanted to say - great sensible advice in this thread. It should become a chapter in a "new marriage" handbook.

One thing that might help in this specific instance is for the two of you to spend some time planning what you want your living room to be. Sort of a mission statement.

Examples:

Our living room will be a bright, happy place where the kids can play and watch tv and our friends are always welcome.

Our living room will be a kids' play room during the day, and a quiet, serene adult space in the evening.

Our living room will reflect our family's interests of Lego, gaming, knitting and reading, while being open to all who enter.

Once you have agreed to a mission statement, then work on what activities you want to do in the room. Make a list of everything.

Then see if that list works with your mission statement. Or will you have to move some activities to other rooms?

Then figure out how to support those activities while still maintaining the mission statement.

The mission statement could have something about the room being easy to tidy and clean, so that less time is spent on housework and more time is spent with the family. That would mean that the living room would need adequate storage for all the things used there, and that everything the kids use would be stored at their level so that they can easily get it out and put it away.

The mission statement could mention an attractive room, which would mean that cables and cords would be hidden, tv boxes would be neatly stored in an organized fashion, etc.

And when decisions are being made, both of you can refer back to the mission statement to see if the decisions support it.

Great idea on the mission statement!

My DH is definitely willing to plan, but then has a conniption if the supposedly FINAL plan changes.

Maybe that's been part of our problem all along, in my mind the plan isn't final until it has been executed. In his mind the plan is final once we agree to something.

I'm excited about trying these ideas, so the rest of our marriage is smooth compared to the first 13 years ;-)

"... has a conniption if the supposedly FINAL plan changes.

Maybe that's been part of our problem all along, in my mind the plan isn't final until it has been executed."

Whoa! You just illuminated something about the past 30 years of my life! (I'm with you on the definition of final, and I never understood the fits, but you put your finger on it.)

Plans should never be thought of as "final"; that's why they're called "plans", not outcomes, actions or executions.

" In his mind the plan is final once we agree to something."

Maybe he just doesn't want endless talking and agonizing about what is, after all, "just a living room." The male members in my family don't care too much about decor as long as it's comfortable and convenient, nor do they care about the process, just the final product. So, honestly, lengthy discussions about a mission statement would be an anathema to them.

If nothing else, I'm hoping a mission statement would help get his needs/wants communicated -- sometimes it seems he feels like if I don't already KNOW what his needs/wants are, then I don't love him or consider his feelings. It's kind of crazy, it's like the things I read about what women do to men LOL.

No, he doesn't love lengthy discussions about decor, but he does want to know what is going to go where, and if we are going to buy anything...what's it going to cost and is it something he agrees we should buy. If any of you remember my other thread, his electronic babies all need proper whatever so he will want to participate in that portion of the plan.

At any rate, this has really helped me think through an appropriate approach. Chances are good we'll be here another 5-8 years so whatever we do needs to be functional, liveable, and I want to enjoy being in the room.