Fist you need to talk to your insurance agent. If you receive money you won't be covered. You also have the issue of liquor and licenses, and again insurance in case someone leaves drunk and gets in an accident. Make sure and cover your assets.

What fun.. and what an honor!! (and oh my, the work required!)

I'd love to see a photo of your outdoor patio!

Not meaning to rain on your parade, but I agree you should think carefully about the liability issues of having a lot of people you don't even know at an event like that. There is the additional prospect of having something at your home damaged or stolen (the guests would be coming in to use the loo, right?) and how you would be compensated.

I guess I also don't really understand why you would agree to a request like that from someone who is not a very close friend.

Sorry Annie I really sound like a downer! I assume you're just doing the one wedding. But there will be people there who you don't know and people do things that just amaze me. (And not in a good way.)

We went to one this summer at a place out in the country. Their biggest problem was they waited too long to reserve some things. Chairs, tables, and in their case the dinnerware. They actually went and bought place settings at the various Goodwills and did each table in different patterns.

You really want a bunch of strangers in your home? I'd come up with a good excuse to back out of it ASAP.

The wedding I mentioned they did it all outside. There were no guests in the house. They did porta-potty's behind the barn. One area was set up for the ceremony and another area was set up with the tables. They had a DJ come with his own equipment. It went fairly smoothly. I'm not sure what their backup plan would have been had it rained.

Downside is they had a terrible caterer and could have used more lights to get to and from the outhouse area and the parking area. They parked cars in an open field, so they also had people directing cars when they arrived.

A friend of mine was married at a location that was a home where they rented out the garden and pool house for weddings. The guests all stayed outside and used the outdoor restroom. The garden was very lovely and had a nice patio for dining. I know nothing about insurance, but if you have outdoor bathrooms, perhaps it would be feasible.

We had my neices wedding, years ago. Had 200 people and was mostly smooth (a few glitches which didn't cause major problems.)

We had a large tent with roll down, plastic in case it rained. We had a live band and dance floor. Everything was catered including the liquor. The caterer had a 'cooking truck' parked in the rear of our property.

Our concern was how to get the guests to leave. We hoped when the band finished for the evening, people would leave. The bride & groom left but their friends didn't. We had a large pool and many guests decided to continue the night around the pool.

Other than that, it was a beautiful wedding, everyone enjoyed themselves. It was June, it didn't rain, bugs weren't a problem. We had to notify the Town and the Police Department. We had to get permission to allow parking on the streets and the cars had to be marked with a sticker in case it needed to be moved in an emergency. We had to get permission from our immediate neighbors, which wasn't a problem as we invited them to the wedding.

No one ever mentioned liability risks and I never checked into that. Thank goodness, no one drowned in the pool (we were worried!)

Have fun!
Jane

Wow. I appreciate the heads up around the event. I will discuss these details with the family. The father of the bride, I've gotten to know very well and have met members of the groom's family, as they actually helped out with the remodel of the outhouse. I went to school for years with the father so they are from the community. I think the make or break on the deal will be the number of guests. Our place is not large enough to accommodate a huge wedding....it will have to be a small one. And I've already explained that. The bride has not yet seen the property, so her take on it may be a deal breaker.

We have a large field for off-street parking and we have another field where they could pitch a tent. The bride is talking about an October wedding so I think temperature alone will be enough to ensure people will leave. Also it means it would be a daytime wedding, so dark will also help ensure they leave.

Over 30 years ago, my brother got married at home...right next door... in a small wedding and it was really lovely....we had guests use the outhouse. A few years before that DH's cousin got married on this property in a small wedding and it was also lovely.

I think it would be a lot of fun, though a lot of work. We can see about keeping guests out of the house, but I can't let the slim possibility of a bad actor or two get in the way of what can be a wonderful adventure. My biggest concern, which I will also address with the bride, is my fear of the worst bad actor....the weather. It's not like we can accommodate an entire wedding inside.

Where I used to live one of my aerobics instructors was approached by someone to have a wedding in her fabulous yard. She was an amazing gardener, and her yard was on the river, too. So, she did it for them, and it went perfectly fine. When she got married, she had her own wedding there, too. I do not remember the bathroom situation. Both of these were smaller ~50 people receptions. I would have onsidered having our wedding there, but she had sold that home by the time DH and I were planning our wedding. However, she bought another amazing home, and old farmhouse with a tobacco barn. My family begged me not to have an exclusively outdoor wedding and reception. I wound up doing my bridal portraits there, which turned out super cool.

Gosh, I need to get in touch with her again!

What a lovely home, Annie. The patio is so inviting I can see why anyone would want to have a wedding there. What time of year would it be?

I think the family having the wedding should be prepared to have the space tented if need be. I hope it is a lovely sunny, sparkly day. I think it will be so much fun.

I guess it's a big never mind. He called this am to say that there will be at least 150 people which will be too large for our house. Part of me is relieved, but part of me is disappointed....I would've so enjoyed decorating for a wedding!

A one-off wedding could be fun, but here is another caution story:

A woman I've known for years was all excited about her young daughter's (budget) wedding. They booked a place in the sort-of-country at a lovely home with a large yard for an outdoor wedding. At 9 p.m. on the dot, the neighbors called in a noise disturbance and the police arrived. Evidently the neighbors call in a noise disturbance for every wedding on this property. Pretty much ended the wedding celebration. This woman finally ended up taking the wedding people to Small Claims where the costs were apportioned 50/50. Talk about a major bummer all around.

Moral of the tale: be sure your neighbors are cool with party plans before you throw a gala celebration.

Good point, Suzanne....usually when we have a party, we include the neighbors so they wont complain!

Our neighbors are pretty tolerant though, each having had their own noisy parties on various occasions.

I did a garden party casual wedding at my home a few years ago. We did the larger handicap accessible portapotties as there was no way my septic could handle 100 extra users in a short time frame. The hardest part was getting the garden "perfect" enough to please me. The bride was OK with whatever as long as she could cut her bouquet from whatever was blooming at the time. (Blush Noisette, Cecille Brunner, White Pet, and Colonial White antique roses, Henrii Clematis, Asiatic lilies with yarrow blooms and foliage as filler.) I actually had to hire in some help for a couple of months previous to make sure that it looked more manicured rather than my usual "cottagey" look. I had hubby clean out the workshop, and we sat up the potluck buffet in there. I did a Goodwill run for several months in a row and accumulated lots of blankets and comforters and had those in a pile for people to grab and spread out in the meadow to eat picnic style. The DJ and dance floor was in a large rental tent that could hold everyone smashed together in a pinch if it rained. Thank goodness it didn't! None of the neighbors were invited, but I did give them a heads up and the Saturday afternoon wedding ended by 8 pm.

I've used these luxury portable Kohler toilets at events. They are surprisingly nice and not port-a-potty at all. I have no idea what they cost.

Here is a link that might be useful: Kohler luxury toilet rentals

Well as I said, the wedding isn't going to happen here after all...and we do have an outhouse that's ready to go. The groom and his father helped us install it after the bride's father and mother worked on building it.

Wow!

That facility is not suitable for a large number of people, is it? It's quaint, but I wouldn't use it myself, particularly as there seems to be no water. And it may be inadequate for ladies' needs. Perhaps you have a lower level bathroom for women only, and leave the out house for the men? With plenty of hand sanitizer?

Well, Father of bride (fob) just called to ask if 75 guests would be ok...the couple really wants to get married here and they are willing to cut the guest list to do so. I think that would be the outer limit for our place. I still have the huge concern about weather. We had about 35-40 people here for Mom's memorial service and that worked well, but then the weather was great so we had a lot of people on the deck....but that was before we had the patio built. Again, weather means so much on how this all works and we have to have plans for both...after all, we have had hurricanes and snow in October.

Bride will come to see the place next week and then we'll discuss what's what. So in the meantime, I appreciate everyone's points they've made so far and would love to hear more. I'll make a list of things so we can discuss it with the family before a final decision is made. I also suggested that if they want the wedding here, they might consider a reception some place else as a wedding is much easier to handle...no dance floor, no catering, tents, tables, chairs, etc etc.

We do have a lower level bathroom that may be used for "handicapped" access so if someone really needs it. There's also the possibility of setting up a handwashing station if need be.

But I have a feeling that keeping the guest list that short is going to be tough. So I'm thinking they will change their minds.

What a lovely patio you have.
Why not suggest they use your patio for a shower for the bride and that way everyone might be happy.

Having the ceremony at your home with a limited number of guests and the reception elsewhere, with the full guest list, seems like a good compromise. We have been to several weddings for which the ceremony was reserved for close family, followed by a large party/reception afterwards. However, that was more common years ago. Nowadays the ceremony is not so much a sacrament or civil contract signing (as it is in some European countries) as part of an elaborately orchestrated day of attention to which everyone is privy. :-)

Well, I think FOB is looking at the $$$ and thinking that having it here will be cheaper than having it somewhere else. But I just started looking at the rental costs and when you start adding in tables, chairs, linens, place settings...let alone food...it starts getting expensive. So it's not clear to me that we'll be a cost savings. Of course, if he's using our place as an excuse to cap the guest list, then that will definitely keep the $$ down.

Then of course it also depends on how formal/casual they want to go....buffet is less expensive than seated. When DH's cousin was married here, it was very casual...after the bride went down the aisle, the dog went down the aisle, and the groom was barefoot...

In my experience of throwing parties (albeit never more than 100 guests), the costs of renting everything makes having it at home a push, for an average rental location. Of course, usually the at home setting is above average. You can also save on the alcohol.

I am most curious about your outhouse. Why did you build it?

mtnrdredux, DH's grandparents bought the property back in the 1930s and there was an old colonial house on the place that was built c. 1790. It was the family summer house...they lived in NYC. I grew up right next door. When we married, we moved one town over as it was what we could afford. 30 years later, family was all gone and we were able to move back. The old house, by that time, was a total wreck. It was only a small farm house. The footprint of the old house was only 25x25. No beehive ovens, no fancy moldings or anything. We pulled back the fascia board on the outside only to find the corner posts had rotted up into the 2nd floor and fundamentally it was the chimney that was holding the house up. Even at that, the ceilings were less than 7' high. To restore it would've been extremely expensive, and we'd still be stuck with a place we couldn't fit our furniture into.

So we tore it down and built a new, green house. But we kept all the out buildings that we could including a 200 year old barn, a garden shed, and of course the outhouse which we had restored...no point having one if you can't use it.

And I'm always so impressed with the wisdom of the colonialists...the door to the outhouse opens in, so no matter how how the snow gets, you can still get inside in a hurry!

I'm also reminded of the story of the fellow who was designing his home and told the architect that he wanted a real authentic colonial bathroom. The architect said, "Fine. How far from the house do you want it?"

Annie, a couple of other thoughts. A friend's daughter had her wedding outdoors at a farm with a beautifully restored (and added-to) farmhouse last Oct and it was very beautiful. There were around 100+ guests. It was late afternoon with the reception going on into the night with a DJ, and with dinner served in a tent with tables. The homeowner provided a place for the bridal party (bride, groom and their attendants, parents) to dress. The guests also were allowed to use the downstairs bathrooms (2) although the 'brides bathroom' was off limits until after the wedding, and it was not a problem except sometimes one had to wait in line. The wedding cakes were homemade, sliced in the kitchen and placed on the table for pick-up on the dining table. It was the only thing served indoors, just inside the back door in the large dining area just off the patio. It's hard to describe, but it all worked very well. All the off-limits rooms were cordoned off with a ribbon, like you'd see in an open-house or tour of homes where one should keep out. Very tastefully done. Her photographs (the photographer actually) were featured in a magazine a few months later and I'd post the link if I could find it again.

You mention someone building it and installing it, so I thought it was new.

You cannot mean anyone uses it?

Annie, I think you are very brave...it could be lovely, or awful. Weddings can be, how you say, fraught.

So here's what I would want to know before I committed.

How well to the two families get along, and how well do the bride and her mother work together?

How much prep work are the bride's and groom's families willing to do? If they provide the set up and clean up labor, and you feel you can count on them to do it, that's a check in the yes column.

How well organized are these folks? As you surely understand, big events have a zillion decisions and details, and if you feel confident that they can make the decisions and take care of the details with you, that's another yes check box filled.

And the trickiest one, perhaps...if they say 75, do you have reasonable faith that their invited guests won't feel free to bring unexpected companions?

B, all excellent considerations! I don't know the mother that well and don't know the bride at all. So at this point, I have no sense of how the process will go. They have 2 daughters and this is the first to get married, so I know they have no experience in wedding planning.

My bigger concern is not that the guests will bring others, but that the family won't be able to keep the guest list that small.

Wow, I so appreciate everyone's insights and comments, both positive and negative.

kswl, thank you for mentioning insurance. I wouldn't have thought of it at all. I called our insurance co. and they will check with the underwriters, but she said they usually recommend that people buy event insurance to cover any liability for the event. I'll be sure to tell the FOB of that one!

outsideplaying, I thought about the bride's room business, but I'm not sure how involved I want to get with that. We do have the guest room with an en suite bath....Even cordoned off, I'm sure some people won't respect the house. GF suggested staking out a friend or 2 on the inside of the house to make sure people know where to go and respect the property. Again, so much is weather dependent. If it can all be outside, it's fine; but if the weather is bad, then everyone will be inside...a total zoo! Then there's our elderly cat who is very intolerant of a lot of things. I'd have to lock him, his food and his box in the back and keep people away from him.

My cousin got married last year in VT (2nd wedding) and had a small reception at her house. Well, 2 days earlier it had been sunny and in the upper 70s, but her wedding day was pouring rain and in the 50s...so we all had our outerwear coats on in the tent, or ended up in the house to warm up. And there were probably only 35 people. And it was still a mad house.

mtnrdredux, well, it's a long story about the outhouse...let's just call it heavy maintenance was done.

The groom talked about cleaning out our barn to use it in case of rain, but I don't think they know what they are getting into....the place is full of bat guano, and there's no way to keep the bats out of there...let alone the squirrels.

At this point, I'm leaning toward discouraging them from this...only because, if it were me, I'd feel enough stress from the wedding without letting myself be vulnerable to the weather. (Of course, I made it rain in Vegas when I was there and I made it rain on the dry side of Hawaii where they only get 2" a year! And though I got married in June, it was drizzly and in the low 60s all day...not nice.)

I think I will also offer to have them come here for their wedding photos if they want...that's far easier to accomplish....and it would be a lovely setting for them.

Inspired idea to offer to let them use your lovely setting for photos... :-)

I think wedding photos is a fine idea, and that given what you said about how much you do and don't know about them, I think declining is exactly right.

Here's where a little social dishonesty can be very handy.

"Oh, dear, I have just learned that there is a family event in xyz, Vermont, at just that time, and we cannot decline the invitation! I am so sorry. But please, let's take your photos here, and I'll be glad to help you scout other locations."

Then you go away for that period, to xyz, Vermont, preferably.

It will be easier on you all the way around, and you will only have fudged the truth a little.

"Are" a fine idea.

Isn't they?

Sheesh.

Well, at least I won't have to resort to deception....I am free to decline as I wish...when FOB first mentioned it, it was either could back out, no hard feelings. He's perfectly aware of what an imposition he's asking. But DH thinks we won't have to decline at all, as bride will. We're supposed to get together on Sunday to discuss.

You also might want to discourage the cleaning of the barn or at least let them know what is involved in safely cleaning up bat guano. It is known to carry a fungus that causes Histoplasmosis. The recommended clean-up requires that the person doing the cleaning wear a HEPA filtered mask and wet the guano down with a bleach solution.

You sound like a wonderful person to even consider doing this. But if it were I and knowing all the possibilities for problems with people you really don't know, I would make the phone call tonight and back out now, with or without any excuse. Once you have the meeting Sunday with the bride she may very well love the idea of using your home and you are only deeper into it. Don't count on her saying 'no' and I think you have enough questions in your own mind to know this is more than one wants to do for anyone but a close friend or family. At least that's my opinion.

Sounds like a wedding at home is a lot of work for someone, that's why people don't often have them in their home. Are you willing to be 'the help' and have to do everything to meet the bride's expectations, as unreasonable as they might be? It's flattering that your house is so lovely that they asked, but I agree with patty and I'd say no now before she sees it and gets her heart set on it. What if the guest list creeps up? What if there are people who don't respect a ribbon barrier keeping them out of the house? I could understand doing it for an immediate family member but not for someone else.

I absolutely agree with patty0315. Agreeing to meet with them on Sunday is implying that you are still interested in having the event at your home. Weather alone should be the deterent. Make the call tonight!

DH and I must be more trusting than most. I understand it can be a lot of work and a big headache, but neither of us are particularly concerned about the people. It's not like we've never met them and someone just walked in off the street....and I know that all families have their share of "problem children", but that's not a major concern for us. Maybe it should be, but it isn't.

I'm thinking the larger issue is if this will provide the bride with the best wedding option for her, and I don't think it will. Our patio is nice, but our outside is really set up as "pods" of individual space....the deck above, the patio below, one field on one side of the house, the other field on the other side of the house and the wetlands and pond down below. It's not set up with a lot of continuity or flow between space to make for easy entertaining. This is especially troublesome if it rains where we won't be able to get people to and from the house and/or tent to the pots or the food or anything else easily. And it's an issue if anyone like gram or gramps has any mobility issues.

I think I will talk to FOB again tonight ....

Just talked to FoB and the wedding is not going to be at our house. They tried, but couldn't cut the guest list down to anywhere near 75, which is what I suspected....groom comes from a large family. Bride wants to come over anyway, so we'll meet tomorrow and I'll extend the photography option to them too. That would be far easier and not so weather dependent.

Part of me is disappointed for missing out on an adventure, part of me is relieved.

So it goes.

You have a beautiful home and felt honored that this family wanted to have this very special occasion there. You seem to love decorating and have a real knack for it, so I suspect you got swept up in the challenge of it all,
which is why you feel disappointed.
All of this said, I think you know from a practical point of view that this would not be a good idea.
I know many people have outdoor events. We went to a birthday party that was set up outside. After a while those hard chairs are just not comfortable.

If the bride still wants to come over, I'm guessing she's going to try to talk you into having the wedding at your house. Wedding pictures are done after the ceremony, and before the reception.

Just be ready. :)

I was wondering the same thing about the wedding pictures. You've mentioned several times doing just the pictures at your home. When did you plan on doing them- after the ceremony (held somewhere else) but before the reception (held somewhere else)?

Not sure why the bride is still coming over since FOB said they couldn't cut the list to 75.

Well, I'll find out tomorrow. The groom was here and loved the place and has been talking to the bride about it and her father has done a lot of work here that I'm sure she's heard about, so I think she wants to see the place any way. But I know they aren't going to try and have the wedding here as the father said it to me first, before I said it to him that they are not having it here. That's the best way....I offered....let them decide not. I suspect the father has sold them on my organization skills and experience with weddings, so I suspect he's pushing for them to come here for advice anyway.

Since he, like many FoBs, is worried about the cost, I told him I picked up a catering menu from Subway, and perhaps they can do 6' subs all around!
;)

Sometimes the wedding party will go to have pics taken after the wedding and before the reception. It depends on how far away the wedding is and the reception is. They live about 10 min from us so if they marry locally, it wouldn't be bad. Or sometimes they want to take pictures of the bride before the wedding which can be done on a different day.

You don't suppose they want to have the rehearsal dinner here, do you? I doubt it....they haven't mentioned it. Hmmm.

I think having the post-ceremony pictures at your house will be a wonderful compromise. Guests usually enjoy a break and/or the cocktail hour while wedding party has photos taken before the reception starts. Or you may offer bridal portraits at your home, too.

Be careful.

Ten days before my niece's wedding st a RI oceanfront private home, we had to scramble to relocate it. The owners were slapped with a court order that they could not 'rent' for large gatherings at the property.

We still used the house for wedding party and family accommodations. The vineyard at nearby Portsmouth RI turned out to be a gorgeous alternative venue for the reception.

What an almost nightmare though....

As I said, the wedding isn't happening here now. But I appreciate the heads up. We wouldn't be 'renting' the place...only letting them use the place to have the party. Also I did check with the insurance company and they said they had no problem with the party...other than the usual cautions about children and drunks. They said we could buy event insurance as, should anything happen and we need to make a claim, our rates would go up. (Which is why we all buy insurance and never make any claims!)