Aww, Mom2emall, I hear ya...The holidays are so tough on everyone...

I think your DH said that in anger. I think he realizes he was wrong in the way he was "coddling" ss and is trying to do right by you and by the other kids. I would just let it go, or maybe try to talk to him about it gently just the two of you, but we all say things we don't mean sometimes. Focus on the fact that he turned it around for you and the kids, he put ss in his place and he made it fun for everyone else!! Give him a kiss and say "I love you babycakes!" and he will know you appreciate his efforts...I always say "you get more flies with honey than with vinegar!!" ;)

With your SD and BM and the phone, I guess she is just "clinging to straws" that BM will call. My DH does this too with his kids. They can be just HORRID and he still sometimes hangs on the fact that "they might call"!!
Last night, we did dinner with SD17 and SD 19 was "working" and "couldn't come". She couldn't even call to see if we could change the date, she got him NOTHING for Christmas, she is so cruel and mean to him, and yet at the dinner, it's so sad but he says to SD17 "how's your sister doing?" Even adults grasp at straws and my DH knows how mean and nasty SD19 is to him, and to people in general. Cut your SD some slack, she is not "not appreciating" you, I think a lot of people just want the "dream family" of everyone getting along and living in "peace and harmony" forever...They know deep down that it won't happen, that these people that they think they "want" in their lives are jerks, but they still want it.

It's good that he turned his attitude around, but I think he owes you an apology for that line about "my own blood".

Request it.

Request it quietly & firmly & do it in private.

Stepdaughter....
well, it's her *mother*.

& we're all wired to cling to our mothers, no matter how unmotherly they are.

I think I've told this here before, but it was a long time ago.

A nurse in an emergency room was caring for a tiny child who had been badly burned, I forget if it was cigarettes or boiling water.

The little one kept screaming & crying for his mother.

turned out...
his mother was the one who had burned him.

Find it in your heart to love this girl & to feel for her.

When Christmas rolls around, she'll need you.

I can empathize with your situation. I think it was rude of your husband to make that remark, and maybe he will apologize, but I think it is one of those things that you just have to take in stride. I'm sure your husband is probably frustrated with this time of year because it is so stressful on everyone, let alone blended families. My SS, also 8, behaves similarly to yours. He is very attention hungry and I find myself in a foul mood around him because he can be very babyish and inappropriate. I have found that ignoring his fits and keeping my cool while following through with what I told him to do seems to make him realize he's wasting energy. He might carry on for a bit but he knows now that neither myself or his father will give in if he has a responsibility. I think it is just a phase because as he approaches 9, I can see him starting to mellow out.

As for the BM, that is the way it could be until your SKs move out. The BM in my situation causes scenes wherever she goes, if she decides to show up. My SKs know she is full of drama and they even complain about her, but they will run to the phone everytime it rings thinking it could be her. They told me they were mad at her, but when they found out the bad weather could prevent them from seeing her tomorrow, they said they would be really sad if they couldn't go. I think they are just very confused. Nobody wants to think of their own mother as an irresponsible person, but at the same time her actions aren't showing them any different. I think a lot of children who live primarily with their father have a tug of war on their feelings about their BM. All we can do is just show them our love and how our feelings won't change about them no matter how they feel about their mom.

"He then told me he will always defend and choose his own blood!?!"

This just totally p*sses me off! Who is taking care of 3 of HIS children while he's working?????? Give me a break! Yes, you deserve an apology for that. You deserve so much more.

Let's put this in perspective....he has custody of 3 kids that have a deadbeat mother. There's no way he would be able to take care of those 3 kids by himself and work. If it weren't for you, he would either have to live with his parents (or someone who can help him) or not have custody.

Obviously you love HIS kids enough to "mother" them like you do. But you don't have to do as much as you do. He would fall flat on his face if he had to take on some of the burden.

How would he feel if you just stopped doing things for his kids and said "well, my DS is being neglected because I am taking away my time with him to give to your kids. You know how it is when you have to defend and choose your own blood."

I agree with Ashley. Sometimes you've got to the turn the other cheek and let bygones be bygones; sometimes you've got to stand your ground - YOU are the glue for the entire family, including HIS children and he should darn well be appreciative of that fact. Yes, it was said in anger but given the fact that he said it at all tells me that he, at some point, thought of it as well. He needs to change his thinking and should be kissing the ground you walk on for being the psuedo mother to his children because if it weren't for you they would have NO maternal figure. He needs to start treating you like the superhero you are.

Ditto what Sylvia said. Try not to take your SD's behavior to heart - her situation would be hard for an adult to figure out and she's only a little kid who will most likely have major "mommy issues" when she gets older, however, hopefully she'll look back and try to model herself after your example of what a mother and wife should be like. It know it hurts :(

Thanks girls for your words of wisdom. I am still angry with what dh said. Today ss didn't want to eat dinner because he now decided he does not like what I made.....though last time I made it he loved it. I told him to eat it and deal with it. I also told him if he chose not to eat it he would not get anything else till breakfast tomorrow. Well as soon as I walked out of the room he ran to daddy and next thing I know ss is tossing his food out. I asked dh what was going on and he began yelling that he made the decision to let ss finish eating. I said I found it funny that as soon as I walk away ss stopped eating. And I asked if he was sticking to the no more food tonite thing. He began yelling and ss was standing behind him and looked at me and smiled. I told dh what just happened and I left the room. Dh yelled at ss and sent him to bed. I still have not talked to dh. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Ss and dh have ruined every day this past week.

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't improving. It seems to me that your DH's behavior is very confusing to even his children. One minute it seems like he has their back and the next he's yelling and getting after you or your SS. It is very hard as a step parent when the biological parent tries to override you and it's not right at all. I think if you make a decision, maybe you should tell your husband right away just so he knows that is what was said between you and the kids so he can't go right over there and make a new one. Hopefully he will be on board with things, but if not, all you can do is let him handle his son. If it is too stressful for you then he can handle it when he's home and he'll most likely end up wanting your input. I agree with Ashley...he should be very grateful to you for being the only real mother figure these kids know. Life is stressful but communication will really help you both to avoid further problems that may lead to something terrible like splitting up the family. Just take a step back and let your husband know how you are feeling. If he is feeling really frustrated he might not even realize how bad you feel. Just be open and honest with him. There is no rule saying that you can't take a moment for yourself. If your SS is too much to handle in a certain situation, tell your DH you need to step out for a minute, and just breathe. Even mothers need time outs!

It sounds like DH should go without dinner and be sent to bed too. The more Dh tries to 'defend' this child, the more problems DH ends up causing.

Dh is sending so many mixed messages to his son, why can't DH see this? That little smile behind dad's back towards you should be speaking volumes to DH, yet DH seems clueless to how he plays a major role in what is happening. And by running hot and cold with the child, hour to hour, day to day.....I don't suppose you could talk DH into a good parenting class? I think it may help if someone other than you helps 'teach' DH how to deal with the son, when it's coming from you the DH is just turning you into the bad guy. You're the guy trying to raise the boy into a functional well developed child/teen/adult and Dh's the one who turns to mush at the slightly sign of protest from the child. Is dad going to be lurking in the corners all this boy's life to jump out and make the bad guys (school, the boss, the future wife ect) stop picking on the child/man?

Frankly, with the dinners, I think I might try compromising just a bit. For example, tonight I'd make dinner, cut the SS's food up at the counter prior to placing it in front of him (yeah, not necessary but one less thing to whine over and one less thing to get attention from dad to do--what the heck is dad thinking spoon feeding an 8 eight old!). Then I'd ignore if child was not eating and pretend to not notice or care, enjoy your meal and chatter with the girls. I'd do a dessert night with nice bowls of ice cream or whatever and serve it up to you, Dh and the girls who have eaten and when SS howls, simply say something about being sorry but kids who don't eat their dinner do not then eat dessert. Then excuse him from the table unless he decides to then start eating (if so he gets the belated dessert even if it takes an hour for him to choke that dinner down). But this would have no chance of sinking in as lesson unless DH grows a backbone and plays along. Daddy is not helping the situation when he turns to mush at the first sign of protest, the smiling child last night should have been like a club over father's head as in a wake-up call.

This should not be to DH about defending son and chosing 'blood', this should be about a dad with kids who need parenting and he's failing them. With your DH's statement of defend and blood, I think it clearly shows DH looking for someone to blame for his lack of consistent proper parenting skills.

Well I ignored DH and SS until yesterday. DH was pretty embarassed that SS has been playing him for a fool and admitted it. He admitted to just wanting to make SS happy and that SS is his "baby" and he needs to realize that he is not so little anymore. He also sat ss down and talked to him about how he has been acting and how it has been ruining everyones days. He told ss he either eats or has nothing the rest of the night (that was our rule prior to lately anyways!) So on Christmas Eve we were at DH's families home and SS refused to eat his dinner (which was very little on his plate). DH looked at him and told him he either eats or he gets nothing the rest of the night. SS cried and DH's relatives tried to tell DH it was not a big deal and DH actually stood up to them and said it had become one. SS tried not eating. But when we all got up from the table he told SS that once he got up he was done eating for the day and reminded him of all the desserts there were. All of a sudden SS got his appetite and ate dinner!!

This morning SS also ate breakfast without any issues.

I don't want to get my hopes up too high though....so we will see how long this lasts.

Just a little suggestion:My DD's always been a picky eater & her dad & I got tired of the bribing,crying,fighting over a simple meal.So,instead we would excuse her from the table & wrap her plate up & put in the fridge.Later when she would say she was hungry I would reheat her food & put it back on the table!She realized it'd be better to eat it the first time.