I'm sorry for you all that it happened that way, especially the kids. What a difficult position to be in... because you know that if you say anything to them about it, you'll be accused of being ungrateful, "looking a gift horse in the mouth", etc. I mean, sure, they didn't have to censor themselves and make every little thing perfectly equal if they have a lot more money and felt like indulging themselves/their kids... maybe there was a misunderstanding about who was expected to pay for what, and maybe communication could have been clearer on the subject on either their part or yours... But it sounds like the discrepancy in provisions was excessive, and to not share at all with your kids was pretty heartless. Especially after it probably was evident that you were not going to be able to financially "keep up" with their spending at that time. They could have at least offered to temporarily *loaned* you the xtra sending money to make sure your kids enjoyed similar things to the others, even if they only really wanted to pay for the basic costs of your trip. Wonder what kind of point they were trying to prove... and to who? Gross...

As for advice, I'm not sure what to tell you. Other than try to gracefully turn down any future offers they make like that, or try to come up with alternative ideas so that trips, visits are a more "level playing field". If you're the ones "hosting" them, they have to do things on your terms, and you are still doing your part to be gracious and maintain relations (without being unduly controlled). I'm afraid if you or your husband tries to be emotionally honest with them about how it hurt, they won't understand and you'll be called ingrates with too big "expectations". Which is clearly not the situation, but that's how they'll see it in order to feel okay about themselves being so self-indulgent. So the only thing I can think of to handle it is just to make sure you're not put in that position, in the same way, again.

I am sorry that happened to you and mostly to your kids.
"We were told over and over again not to worry about anything everything would be taken care of." Maybe their idea of "everything" was different, even though DH's dad knew that your money is tight, he still expected you to pay for certain things. Everything to him might have meant the airline tickets and hotel. I don't know, that's how it sounds to me. It also sounds as though your DH's sister is more of his father's favorite for whatever reason.

I don't think you should not take such trips in the future, just don't go expecting the grandfather to pick up all of the tabs no matter what he says. God bless the child whose got it's own might be what he thinks as many people do. It sounds like he made commitments to be sure, but handled it differently once there.

As a former gf of a man with adult kids, now SM, I can tell you that many things are not always perceived correctly when the gf says them.

momof4,

I wanted to clarify my thoughts, it sounds like DH's father reneged on paying for everything. It also sounds like he had a different idea on "everything" but everything usually means just that. It was especially unfair to your kids.

I once visited my uncle (who insisted I come visit) in Germany who told me not to worry about anything he will take care of evrything. I absolutelly had no money at that point, he said I would not need any. It was the most awful vacation i ever had. I am sorry you had this experience. never do it again.

We decided while on the trip to never take a trip like that again. We told everyone involved that we literally had zero money for this trip not for anything and that because of that we did not think we should take this trip right now... but still "no no dont worry about we will take care of everything"

It is still so baffling... and to add insult to injury at christmas with DH's mom we realized that they bought a lot more than we even saw. Gifts for christmas for all kinds of people came from disney ... wine from germany scrap book from hollywood studios.... It is just even more of a slap in the face that these people bought for all kinds of adults but left the kids in the cold with no thought at all...

I could barely stomach dealing with DH's dad on christmas. I was polite and cordial because that is what DH wanted but let me tell you... the day he gives me the go ahead I will be letting ol daddy know what a piece of you know what he is to do this to not only his son but his grandchildren....
how can you play such obvious favortism especially in favor of a grown adult over children who dont understand all the intricacies.

The only positive thing I can say is that apparently Dh and I did our job well and the kids have yet to pick out the unfairness and rather have focused on the fun parts. My god.... it makes me so grateful for my children... and so so proud

Mom of 4..."The only positive thing I can say is that apparently Dh and I did our job well and the kids have yet to pick out the unfairness and rather have focused on the fun parts. My god.... it makes me so grateful for my children... and so so proud"
What else could possibly matter?...You and your husband have shown your children the values that are important in life. Your children behaved with more maturity and grace than the adults and you should be as proud as you are. The fact that they still had a good time is proof that The experience of just going was enough for them. They are wonderful kids so try and keep your focus on continuing the lesson here which is gratitude and forgiveness. seems to me you are a wonderful mother.

I am so sorry for you. Is is possible that your DH is the most acheiving of the siblings, and that even when he says he doesnt have enough money, they think he is spending his money on foolish things like food and mortgage? and that he really does have the money? and that GPs need to help the less acheiving? And that DH does have money for gifts, he is just cheap? Or does GP just think that men can pay and not women? I dont agree with any of these types philosophy and can only imagine how difficult it was. Cudos to you and your kids.

I couldnt even begin to guess the reasons why ol grand dad would be so .... I am not even sure the word for it.

Dh and his dad has had issues for a long time... there is a long standing tradition of dad shafting son in favor or other things... but DH had thought that dad was finally coming around. He seemed to be more supportive calling to chat and say I love you... showing up at our house.... all of the time.

I honestly think his dad is getting older now and perhaps seeing the end of his days and in his own way realizes what a lonely sob he is because of who he has been in the past... I think some part of him is/was trying to mend ties but he just doesnt have it in him... he likes for everyone to say oh thank you so much... and to be able to say look what I did for so and so. But with no real thought or effort involved.

yeah spending money on foolish things like mortgage and food ... what fools we are :-)