Problems with Adult Stepdaughter

19 years ago

Hi,

I'm new to the forum. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, together for 13 years though. He has children, all adults from a previous marriage. Since the beginning of our relationship there has been extreme tension between his daughter and me. I feel it worth noting that my husband is older than I am. His daughter is very close in age to me.

His daughter has spent a considerable amount of time trying to convince her father that our relationship is a mistake. The age difference is insane, according to her. We never let this affect our relationship, however. She has never lived with us and therefore the problem was easy enough to ignore.

Recently, it has become a problem. After 13 years, we got married. Shortly thereafter, she seemed to come around a little bit. Our relationship was strengthening, or so I thought. I got a phone call one day from my husband. His daughter had called him at work to tell him that I had broken into her apartment while she was at work. She accused me of going through her mail and deleting files from her computer. She claims her neighbor witnessed the break-in.

I couldn't believe it. I called her mother - who by the way I have always gotten along with. Her mother took her side. Again, I was shocked. I ended the conversation with her mother by letting her know that if I had been at her daughter's apartment there would be evidence - tire tracks, foot prints, finger prints, computer records. When someone could come forth with any evidence, including this elusive neighbor, let me know. I never heard back. I'm not surprised.

The daughter called my husband and told him I was no longer a part of her life and could no longer see or baby-sit her child. I was crushed, angry, hurt, but most of all shocked. This was over-the-top, even for her.

My husband chose not to defend me to his daughter. Rather he told her he would talk to me about "it." He has always avoided conflict with his children. He never wants his kids to be angry with him, and will do anything to avoid a bad situation. I'm his wife, don't I deserve a little more than that? It's amazing how fast your life can be turned upside down.

Now, the daughter visits her father at work, sends cards and letters to our house addressed only to him. She couldn't break us up, but she could remove me from her life and try to tarnish my image in the process. I will remain detached from her at all costs. She has proven herself to be a dangerous person to be around.

The anger and hurt I feel lingers, however. I don't expect my husband not to see her. She is his daughter. How do I get over this? How do I move past the anger I feel towards my husband?

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Comments (3)

brass_tacks
19 years ago
grinsalot,
First off, you defend yourself. Account for where you were and what you were doing that day in question and have your witnesses. You were accused of something that was not petty. If you think that you shouldn't have to prove anything, then you are making a statement that conveys that you can be walked upon. If you were some kind of angel, your husband could have defended you. Look, you don't have to get angry, but you don't give people permission to hurt you. Just so I don't get misunderstood--I don't mean that you have to be on guard all the time, but you have to know when to walk away and when to put up your dukes.

If the daughter truly believed that you were in her home without her knowledge, etc. that is one thing. But if she made that story up and you know in your heart that she did that, then you need to stay away from her, her mother and anyone else that has fun getting dirty. Certainly you would not want to have anything to do with her. Don't talk to her on the phone and especially don't babysit for her.

You are a threat to your husband's daughter and she is a threat to you. She visits her dad at work and she may even have some ideas about how to trump you. What are you going to do? Look for little ways to impune her? Forget it. It's just trouble. It just puts more roadblocks between you and your husband. While you are thinking about her, you are not enjoying life. So she gets to be alone with him--that's good. Instead of dwelling on her and your disappointment in your husband, get busy and spend time doing those things that you enjoy and look forward to enjoying your husband's company.

Give your husband some credit. Let him be responsible for the relationship he has with his kids.
fleurs_gardener
19 years ago
grinsalot,

I understand the anger and hurt you are feeling and the anger you feel towards your husband.

If i could give you one small advice to stop the resentment and all these ugly feelings is to start thinking of you, you and you. Tell yourself it's her lost if she doesn't want you to see her child!

I'm having a lot of problems lately with my SD - just thinking of her stresses me out! Everytime she comes to me mind, I whistle a tune!

Be good to yourself!
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martienne, I do have experience as a step parent to a step daughter who had her first child when she was very young. In fact, she did admit to me just a while ago, that it took her an entire year to realize that she was now a mother. During that first year, she would drop the baby off at our house (her father's and I) and we sometimes didn't even know when she would come back. Dear hubby noticed this but of course would not say one single word about it to his daughter for fear that she would no longer bring the child to our house. He loves, just loves, his grand children and would be ready to do anything in this world for them and his own children. Thus, it is very hard for him to reprimand his children when they are at fault. One day ...i had enough. We had been taking care of the child since the saturday morning and it was sunday night supper time and we still didn't know where the mother was. DH was not a happy guy. I was frustrated. The next time, she dropped off the child, i left. I was gone for the entire day. Came back home late and left again the next morning. Who did she think we were? I left DH with the child. He found it hard. Funny it never happened again that she left the child so long at our house! I think for the first time it his life DH made his daughter aware that he was not very happy with her. So...how about you talk the situation over with hubby. Tell him that from now on if plans haven't been made for these children's visits, that he will be alone with them. Tell him you are not doing it out of hatered but out of respect, that yhou understand his love for his grand children, and that you love them too but you just can't afford to spend time around them when they are sick. Why doesn't he go and visit them at his daughter's house? As far as your step daughter is concerned, i wouldn't even mnetion a word to her about the situation cuz you know it will just become an argument and in the long wrong her father will side with her. Think about yourself, your health. Oh by the way, for a very, very long time, I did not answer the phone at home when i knew it was her calling. I let dear husband listen to her phone message himself. If your step daughter wants anything from your home that used to belong to her mother, just give it to her and be happy about the fact that she will be happy with these things. Don't worry about it. There is a good book someone suggested we read on this web site. It's call the Dance of Anger. It reallly helped me with my relationship with hubby and the rest of his children. Keep posting.
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It must really hurt to have this woman treat you so poorly. I relate with the other people on this thread because my BF's 24-year old has treated me like dirt for the past 4 years and I was always kind and VERY generous to her. On a personal level I would not care if I ever spoke to her again, but because I love her dad I would like us all to get along well. I'd bet my bottom dollar that SD feels the same way about me too. We tolerate each other for him. I think it's great that you stood up to your SM because she was disrespectful to you. Do you feel comfortable inviting her out for lunch or coffee so that you can discuss her petty and rude treatment of you? Without accusing her of anything or putting her on the defense, let her know that you would like the family dynamics to not be so strained or something like that. I'm sure you know the most tactful and appropriate way to approach your SM. I would maybe address the incident your father brought to your attention (he may even know more than he lets on). Tell her how you felt as a 13 year-old; and then explain to her that at the age of 40 what you said here: you now realize how badly they (you folks) were for one another, but at 13 you didn't have enough life experience to understand it, and if you made it difficult for her or made her feel badly, it wasn't personal - just a young kid who didn't know any better. If you honestly feel like she is good for your dad, you can tell her that too. I think that this is the most you can possibly do. Should she still act like an ass, then to hell w/her. You rose to occasion and did your best. Again, I encourage you to speak with her. I wish that BF's D had the maturity to approach me. I tried to resolve our differences with her once and it was like poking a stick in a hornet nest. I wish you the best.
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sweeby
19 years ago
Is it possible that the daughter really believes what she's saying? That some neighbor actually saw someone (who resembles you) break into the apartment? Or maybe the 'helpful' neighbor was the culprit. Because if that IS the case, then the stepdaughter's position sounds pretty reasonable and understandable. Just imagine yourself in her shoes -- Accusing the stepdaughter of making up the story is almost as inflamatory as her accusing you of doing it. If there really was a break-in, accusing her of making it up and framing you is pretty ugly.

If you can prove you were somewhere else that day, I would urge you to do so. You might also express concern to your husband about the security of your SD's apartment complex and her safety. And urge her to get the police involved to find out what's going on. Because it's not fair to you to leave your name sullied and your reputation tarnished.

One other consideration -- This accusation is extreme and dramatic -- yet some people who know you seem to believe it's possible. You might want to take a brutally honest look at your conduct over the years to see why they find it credible.

Problems with Adult Stepdaughter

Comments (3)

brass_tacks

fleurs_gardener

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