This is such a typical situation: SM winds up doing the majority of the childcare for DAD.

You're not wrong for feeling however you may feel; what's important is to be consistent with SD, and not to take out any resentment you may have (rightly so, sounds like) towards her MOM on HER.

I am not getting the impression you're doing that, though.

I don't know what to suggest. I think some of this is probably normal tween girl behavior exacerbated by the fact that her mom is unstable, and it's a step/complicated situation.

I would just try to keep things as even and calm with SD and be consistent in your expectations---is your husband on board with you? What would he do/say if you said you are not going to be shuttling her to school activities anymore?

The big problem that many SMs seem to face is that Dad gets angry when his own kids become his responsibility. Not always, but this scenario seems to be replayed on this forum a lot.

I guess it all boils down to how much you can take. By all means, if you find the girl's treatment of you unacceptable, then you should place the parenting right back onto dad, which is really where it belongs, particularly in a difficult situation.

Let's see what Ima thinks.

Ima thinks she should back away for a while & let dad do what he will. Give her a taste of what it will be like if she does not want a relationship with you... she doesn't have to have one, but you also don't have to put yourself out there to do things for her that her own parents are not going to do. She may rethink it or stand with conviction but it will prevent the resentment that is likely to build when you are doing things for an ingrate and she is resentful you are doing the things she'd like her parents to do for her.

That's my 2 cents!

PS. When she complains to dad that she wants to do ____ but nobody can take her but you, he needs to make HER do the asking... do not let him become the messenger so she does not have to deal with you. Otherwise, you'll end up resenting the unpaid JOBS you are given.

Hang in there. I would keep bringing her to school if I were you. And I can relate! I often feel the same, actually today is one of those days :-)

My stepkids, 2 girls, are 12 and 14, they live with their BM (short for Birth Mom) 65% of the time. Their BM has major issues, anger issues, alcohol abuse, mentally unstable. She poisons the kids against us, always has and probably always will.

I don't know your BM's mental issues, but our BM might actually have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The major thing with that disorder is the fear of abandonment. Real or perceived abandonment. Once we understood this we could deal better with her antics, because we understood that it's not really personal. She lashes out because she's terrified the skids will choose us over her, not because she wants to get at us. So she poisons them against us, to try and keep them close to herself, it's all about her, not us! (Of course it's damaging for everyone all the same, mostly for the kids). Could it be the same for you guys?

My skids are very different to one another. SD14 is not in denial and knows her mum is not raising her well. Sometimes she'll reach out to us when she needs us. She's recently stayed with us for 3 weeks straight because things got so bad at BM's. SD12 is in complete denial and out of our reach. She doesn't let us in her life much, she feels the pressure of BM and she knows it pleases BM if she chooses sides. Her loyalty is with her mum, and that's normal for a kid so we understand.

Your SD is probably having a similar conflict within herself. She wants what every kid wants; a mum and dad who raise her. But instead it's you who takes her to school and does all motherly things for her. It's not about whether she appreciates it or not, at her age she probably doesn't consider your emotions/efforts as much, kids that age don't have that awareness yet (because the brain hasn't developed enough yet). She acts out because of the turmoil within herself, and she probably doesn't even realise she has the power to hurt your feelings. Don't forget she probably feels very much out of control of her life, after all she can't make her mum and dad get back together and live happily ever after. Most kids of divorced parents blame themselves for the break-up, to make things even worse. So there she is; a torn little girl who doesn't know how else to express her pain and her loyalty to her mum. Try not to take it personal, as hard as that is.

This is what I do to keep my sanity and to stay involved:

-Keep the above in mind and tell myself over and over.

-Accept that my feelings are hurt every time, but knowing that it's not my actions that cause this behavior.

-Talk to SD when the time is right, strike when the iron is cold! Don't discipline her in the heat of the moment, but instead have a chat when the mood is good. Show empathy. Tell her that you understand it must be hard for her when you do things that she might want her mum to do, like taking her to school. Give her time to answer. Then tell her that it's normal she wants her mum to do those things, all kids do. But because the situation is how it is you are taking her, and you like doing it, even though you are not her mum. Tell her that it's not her fault that this is how it is, and that if she finds it hard to say bye when being dropped off, maybe she can think of something she's comfortable doing. After all it's still important to be polite and respectful to people, even when you're feeling hurt. Ask her what she'd like to do: a hug, a kiss, waving, saying bye, anything. When you give her some control over the situation and the outcome she might change her tune.

-Look after yourself, be nice to yourself.

-I practise mindfullness, this helps me deal with feelings of anger and resentment, especially in the heat of the moment.

-Accept that you cannot save SD, she will struggle. All you can do is be there for her.

All the best to you, don't give up yet!

I also like Ima's suggestion, even though I haven't done it myself. I choose to still do the things that I've been doing, but i've been tempted to throw it back on FDH's plate a few times. However, my concern with that is that it shows the skids that they can change my behavior. In effect it shows that BM gets to change me, and what I do. So that's why I've continued doing what I normally do, I just put up with my feelings of resentment when I have them and vent when the skids are not around. It's not their fault.

BUT, and this is the big but hence the capitals :-), my SD's are not out of control or rude to me, just standoff-ish at times, so that is different to Ima's situation. They treat me with respect, so no issues there :-)

To me it sounds like OP's SD is not that bad (yet) and maybe a bit of empathy and understanding will make the difference. I think it's worth trying that first, and then you can always put the responsibility back to your DH if it fails.

In my estimation, girls are much more sensitive about not having a FULL family. If you have a chance, read the book callled "the motherless mothers", in which the authors collected hundred of letters from the women who had lost their mother. The sentiment and the pain from the lost of the mom lasted for years, even to some into their 50s or 60s.

I know. I have 3 daughters who had lost their mom. When I was dating and remarried,things were not always smooth as I would like. But I just kept my cool and continued to be kind and lovingn to them, as my Ds get older (>18), they behave much nicer toward their SM.

Just stay level headed. Use your love to dissolve any bumps out there.

If you expect them to love you instantly and be thankful for what you do as step parent, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Then you should not have married their dad.

I hated my dad's fiancee. HATED HER. Still do, actually. She had two younger daughters and she doted on them and treated me like crap. My dad was always really nice to them, so not only did I miss out on full Dad attention but I didn't get any of her attention. That said, he would have kicked my butt if I didn't say hello or goodbye or goodnight or thank you for the ride. And that would go for anyone. Anyone nice enough to give another person a ride should be thanked. I thank DH for driving, I thank my boss if he gives me a ride, right? This is just good manners.

I think Dad needs to have a talk with her. You need to decide what you'd like to be called as well. Either by your first name, or Miss first name I think is respectful, but then, we're from the South. Steplady is unacceptable.

My daughter calls my husband Papa-J (for his first initial) or sometimes just J___ and then her bio-dad is Dad.

Of course, I get it that your situation is much more complicated. DH and X will talk on the phone and be civil and there is no mental illness/crazy behavior on a day-to-day basis at our home.

Thanks everyone for your responses!

The advice was very helpful. @Imamommy - you have a really good point. The kids never ask me to do anything, their father does and I get the sense that they think it's just my JOB to do the things I do. If they had to actually ask me like they have to ask their father, maybe they would view it differently.

@silversword - I'm sorry for the confusion..lol I just put StepLady because that's my username on here. They call me by first name which is fine. I am from the South too, so I know what you're talking about!

There are a lot of issues with the way the children have been raised. The daughter has questioned the intelligence of her maternal grandmother in our presence and made derogatory remarks about her grandmother not owning her home (even though her own mother hasn't had her own home/apartment in over a year). She hears her mother speak poorly of people and it influences her. She even has recently lied to her father to cover up the fact that her mother is moving out of state...so the mom plays a huge role in her daughter's behavior.

When I came in I was appalled at their lack of respect and their manners and it has been a long struggle. Their father and their mother hadn't taught them basic manners like Thank you or that you aren't supposed to get up from the dinner table and dance and play. I had to teach them that. Sometimes both can be selective with their manners as well. If we go out and their father buys them a meal, they will both thank him, but if I buy it, there's nothing. And I'm the one that taught them to say Thank you!!!

I can dismiss a lot of stuff as just lack of upbringing, but when I see them using manners with their Father and not with me, I just feel it's done on purpose.

you always gt to have a bag of patience with you. However,you must still put parameters. Continue to be open to your fiance with how you feel about this. As long as you have a stable-good relationship with your fiance & you both are together in this, nothing can be so-so bad.

At times, reversing psychology trick works. try it to the kids.

@celine - I'm trying really hard with the patience. I was just hoping that things would have gotten better. But our family therapist warned both of us that the daughter has the power to destroy our relationship.

Ohhhh,.... LOL. Gotcha.

Kids are pretty selective with manners, IMO. Regardless if they are bio. What I tell my DD is that her saying thank you makes people want to do things for her, and vice versa.

She doesn't have to say thank you. But she needs to understand that if people are not made to feel appreciated they will stop doing nice things for her.

Maybe something to try would be to not do something that they are expecting. Nothing big, just something that would have been nice. When asked, tell them it surprises you because they haven't seemed to care before, and that if they like doing something, something you do for them, they should acknowledge it to encourage you to do it more often.

It's Pavlov. We do things that feel good. If we get no reward, eventually we stop doing them.

I have a biological son about that age and if he gets upset about anything in the morning (doesn't like his breakfast, is running late, argued with stepbrother, etc.) he tries to leave for school without saying goodbye to me or hugging me. All I do is make a joke out of it. I run through the house to get to him and make a huge deal out of saying goodbye. I also tell him we could say goodbye with a huge hug outside in front of his friends instead! LOL That usually gets him to smile!

My son has adhd....not sure if your sd has any issues like this. My sons counselor told me that when a child with adhd gets upset about something it is harder for them to snap out of it than a typical child.

wow! these kids are so arrogant and ignorant! speaking in demeaning manner of people who don't own their houses?...Most of the world population never owned houses. In fact most of, so called, homeowners in the US do not own their houses, banks own them and people pay their mortgages for a privilege of living on those bank owned houses. I think it boils down to how spoiled and ignorant are some kids (thinking if their mommy and daddy live in the house they actually own it).

I think their poor manners come from that, from being raised in a bubble and naivete.

I think it is dad's job to remind to them to say thank you, hello. My DD was never spoiled or unkind to people (especially people who are less fortunate) but she can be moody. I always taught her that you must keep moodiness to yourself and show respect to others, your moodiness is your business, you have no rights to be rude to others no matter your mood that particular day.

As about doing stuff for SKs, my SDs are adults, I really do not have to do that much but I have been doing things for SKs that I probably do not have to. I could see how it gets annoying especially if they do not appreciate and are rude. My SDs are entitled and very spoiled but they are not rude, in fact they are polite. If they were rude I would have hard time ever doing anything for them.

@parent of one - What's so amazing is that SD was talking about her grandmother in that fashion and SD's own mother moves from house to house to whoever will take care of her. But SD doesn't ever mention anything about that. Every time BM moves in with someone else, that home instantly becomes BM's house.

When I hear her put down her grandmother, I just sit there and shake my head. I know if I had ever uttered anything like that, my parents would have made me regret it for the rest of my life.