From my personal experience BM will continue to do so until SD gets tired of her BS and tells her to kiss off.

It's damned sad that she can't grow up, stop being selfish, and be a mother to this child.

When BM was allowed to see SS, we never used to tell him that his mom would pick him up ahead of time because of the repeated disappointments. We always just let him assume it would be one of us picking him up, and he was then usually plesantly surprised to see his mom on the days when she actually did it. We thought it would spare him some of the disappointment when he's little, but we knew he would figure it out later as he grows up. It's a bit harder now - because she's not allowed to see him so there are no more days where she "surprises" him at school. It's just me and boring dad...but at least he knows we'll always be there when we say we will be.

It is sad.

Once, her mom called after she was in school and I went to pick her up. She saw me and asked me to help her find her mom. She didn't even realize that the reason I was there was because her mom wasn't going to be there. I'm just tired of DH or me being the ones to break it to SD when mom cancels at the last minute.(or makes changes)

My heart goes out to her, Ima.

Well, her mom didn't show up on time. We ended up offering to meet her. She agreed and we drove almost an hour. While we were driving SD to meet her, she texts me to say she's inside Starbucks waiting for us.

Irritating how we are the ones driving and she's having a coffee. She finally got SD at 9pm.

it is annoying. Don't you hate when people do that? It always drives me nuts when people do that! How hard is that to stick to a plan!!!

when we first got divorced my X sometimes did that, made plans and then something would come up-usually emergency at work, which was true emergency, but how do you explain it to a child? For him picking her up tonight or next morning was not a big difference, but then it was for her! And for me too because I could not make any plans!

Or sometimes he would say he'll be here at 10AM, and then at 8AM on Saturday he is a the door, decided to pick her up early! We are sleeping at 8 AM! It used to drive me nuts!

MY BFs' X does this all the time. His DDs are grown but still she follows no plans whatsoever, they go there with the planned visit and she is not even home, she changed her mind and wants to see them tomorrow instead.

I have very low tolerance for this kind of behavior. Your DH has to tell her to stop driving everyone nuts!

I've been in the same position as you have. I finally stopped making myself available for switches like the ones you described because I was the only one making any concessions and it got to the point where I became a doormat for my DH's ex, his son, and his parents. I shifted responsibility to my husband by reminding him that I wasn't available for taxi service or babysitting duty when things like these happened. I stopped caring that his ex and family was always going to manipulate the visitation schedule to suit her/their own needs. I only complain when her antics interfere with plans that directly affect me and my DH (like date night). When that happens, DH knows better than to cave to his ex or his son.

What does your husband say about her changing times so much?

I seriously think she has some mental health issues....

It's interesting, because last weekend, she told him she'll be here at 9:30 pm and showed up at 8pm. Of course SD wasn't ready. She had wet hair. Her mom insisted that she told him 8, but she had also left a voice message. She never said a word about this being anything other than a one time thing. Then she calls Friday morning to "remind" DH that she'll be there at 8. (It couldn't be that she knows we have our "date night" on Fridays when SD isn't here.) So, we decided that we'd take SD to dinner with us and her mom could meet us there. She got irritated that we weren't sitting at home waiting for her (which from the time she met us, would have been close to 10PM). She called and said she was 30 minutes from where we were so we offered to meet her halfway... at a carls jr. She told us she was a few miles away from there so we assumed she'd beat us there. When we get there, she's nowhere to be found so he calls her. She repeats that she's a few miles away inside Starbucks. She'll just wait for us.

If SD wasn't sitting there, I would have made DH tell her "no, we'll be waiting HERE until YOU get here." but instead, we drove the few extra miles to where she was. We missed our movie and ended up going to a later showing. Then, she doesn't even have her other daughter with her and she's dragged along her BF's kids too. There's no reason she can't pick up her girls at 2pm when they get out of school and be back home before BF gets off work. I would think they would have a more enjoyable evening that way. But seems she would rather ruin ours.

Let's see, BM hasn't seen SD since my last post (well, we got her on Dec 16th~early of course) and now she's supposed to get her today and has already called four times since yesterday morning and text me three times asking me if it's snowing (I think she's looking for reasons to say she can't come get her because she's already tried to get DH to drop her off at BM's mom's house) She has a habit of dumping her kids with her mom when she wants to party and she likes to party on New Years, but she's supposed to have SD. Her other daughter will be with her dad that week. We don't live in an area that typically gets snow and even if it does snow, we don't see more than a couple inches and it doesn't stick. Her last text said to dress her in warm clothes, like I'm an idiot that's gonna send her back in the capri pants she sent her to us in. Well, that's my vent for the day.... so far. I'll have to see if she shows up on time or at all. She likes to give us a time range and is always late, making us wait which screws up our schedule or plans. We're letting her come early because she was worried about snow on the road and needs to get back to her town so she can go to a holiday party tonight.

Why can't it just be a simple exchange without all the drama every time? We agree to just about everything she wants and she still has to change it five times. I realize it's just a game where she's trying to get us to react but we refuse to get sucked into it. Very frustrating. (for her daughter too)

I have a friend who was in a similar situation with her ex. He would change plans constantly to try to mess up her plans with her new hubby. Sometimes he would not show up and she would call him and get "oops...I can't get the kids today.

So, the first plan was the one she stuck with. If her ex said Saturday at noon, then that is what it had to be. If he tried calling and changing them she would say no, I have plans so if your not here Sat. at noon then don't bother coming! She would not even tell the kids daddy was coming Sat. at noon and when 12:30 rolled around she took the kids to run errands and did not answer her cell. She would call x later and say sorry you missed your time, you can try again next weekend. The kids didn't know, and after a while her x became punctual and stopped switching plans.

Is there a court order stating times and days of pick-ups and drop-offs for your sd? If so start strictly enforcing them.

Our court order (by agreement) says 6pm when she's not in school. She asked for 12 but then changed it to 11, just for today because she has a party she wants to go to tonight. My head is pounding from this. After I posted this morning (which was at 10:04 my time), I sent her a text to make sure she is coming at 11. Well, she says no, she got up late & she'll be here at 12:30. I had a lot of work to get done today and postponed thinking that when she gets her at 11, I can leave to run errands. So, I told her that she could have called when she woke up to tell me & I could have been back by 12:30 instead of sitting here waiting for her. If I had left, I wouldn't have been back by 11. She kept blaming DH because he didn't want to wake up SD at 6 and drop off SD at BM's mom's house. (which grandma is working so SD would have been home alone with her sister-12) until mom got there, whenever she felt like it. DH didn't like that idea and said no. She finally met me around 1:15 PM in town while I was running errands.

When I told her that she could come at 6pm, she went ballistic, called DH at work and left a nasty voice message. Then wrote back to me saying she would be here at 12:30 and I told her fine, she can wait until outside my house I'm done with my errands and get back. She supposed to have her for ten days straight and I didn't want to be a b*tch about it and it's not up to me to cancel her time, but I am running a business and she only cares about herself. It's bad enough when she does it to screw up our "date night" or other plans but I'm not losing income to sit and wait for her. and the messed up part is that her daughter knows when she's supposed to go and if we took off & didn't answer the phone, SD would be upset and of course, when BM did get to see her, she would make it our fault. Nothing is ever her fault.

I'm just venting here because what I'd really like to do is tell her what I think of her as a mom but that won't do anything to help, except maybe make me feel a little better. It's not worth it. It's up to DH if he's going to agree to "accommodate" her again. But she needs to realize that I'm not going to kiss her a$$ while doing her a favor.

When I wrote my last post, I was reeling from BM's attitude that we don't "accommodate" her enough because she has called us every weekend for the last three months and then is even late for the "late" time she gives us, which usually messes up our plans, makes SD upset and frustrates everyone, except BM and we finally told her "NO".

Well, it's her weekend and she already sent DH a text yesterday. She's supposed to pick up SD from school, so I planned to get some out of town work done. DH also works an hour away. Nobody will be here in the afternoon, but BM says to have SD ride the bus home and she's picking her up at 6:30 pm. Then a couple hours later, sends another text, "Make it 7:30". She didn't ask, she's telling us. When DH got home from work, I told him I won't be here to watch SD and he told BM that she needs to stick to the agreement. She then suggested that he take SD to her on Fridays and she'll bring her back, which is stupid because he works on Fridays & I would have to take her (and it would still affect my work the same as her being late). Then, we'd have to worry about her calling on Sunday with some stupid excuse why she can't bring her back & we'd have to go get her. That's not happening and that's what he told her. He told her if she's 90 minutes late, the visit is canceled, per the agreement. She didn't respond until this morning to tell him that "He's punishing SD by not letting her see her mom".

I'm just sick of this EVERY WEEK! and of course, it's always OUR fault. We are the bad guys.

Last time she was late and I left to go get some work done, she threatened DH that if I was taking HER daughter on serves with me, it was going back to court.. and that's no F-ing lie.

But today when he tells her that I will be gone doing work (serves), she wants to know why I can't take SD with me. DH told BM that she didn't want SD on serves with me and I guess it's okay now because it's convenient for her. She's practically begging because the threatening act wasn't working and neither was the guilt trip.

(BTW, I don't take SD on serves with me, but I do take her to the courthouse or lawyers offices if I have her with me.)

We went through this ... mom was supposed to pick them up afterschool on tuesdays every week she would call on monday night and say she would be here at a different time on tuesday afternoon. The kids were so confused.

She was taking them on sunday nights monday was a holiday so she was to drop them off at 8am. I called her a few days before said I won't be home till about 10ish I have a drs. appt. I will pick them up right after.... she hung up on me called hubby flipped out on him saying she had stuff to do and couldn't keep them on monday. He turned around and said .... well from now on you will meet the bus on tuesdays or get a babysitter to do it, Because if my wife has to meet the bus again you will be compensating her time ... she gets $10 an hour for babysitting.

She has only missed one day since then the wednesday before thanksgiving ... and she didn't get them that day "because her paper said 3 pm" ...

Called her on that one too ... said it was implied as being afterschool as it has been implied for 2 years ... so if the paper said 2:35pm you would go in school every day at 2:35pm and have them released? because if thats what you want we will have exact times for 365 days a year.

When they go back to court "again" next week... hubby has a list of every day of the year with exact drop off and pick up times.

lol, I told DH to tell her I get paid $25 an hour for sitting around. (really I do, which is cheap. Stake outs are usually $75 for a PI to do it) and if I have to come back home (an hour away) to meet her bus and sit here the rest of the day so her mom can show up when she feels like it, it's really costing me a lot sometimes. (not to mention, her mom says 7:30 but that usually means she'll call at 7 and say, "we got a late start, we'll be there at 8 and then show up at 8:30) It wouldn't be so bad if she lived nearby but she then has a two and half hour drive back to her house, so SD doesn't get there until ten or eleven (later if she goes to get her other daughter, which she hasn't been.)

I really don't want to go back to court again.... even if we do, I don't think the judge is going to see her side of it like she does.

Here we are in March and still the same BS. BM missed the last two weekends and even though Easter is DH's weekend (she had last year), we don't have any other young kids and thought SD would like to spend it with her sister & BM's BF's kids since he'll have them too. So, DH agreed to let her have this weekend. Then she wants to change the time.... okay, I don't care, whatever time she wants is fine... as long as she sticks to it. So, she starts out telling DH one o'clock. Then she says 11-12. He told her he doesn't care what time, but he wants a specific time so I am not waiting all day. She says 11:15. He says, fine but if you are late, SM won't wait and you can get her at 2 (per the written order). BM says FINE. (that was last night)

Then, this morning, DH gets three phone calls from BM's mom. She leaves him a message saying DH is to take SD to work with him and she will pick her up from there. Period. DH called her back and said no, BM is getting her from home at 11:15. BM's mom starts ranting how he's not being accommodating and she never gets to see her grand daughter...how he's can't expect BM to be there at a specific time, she's driving three hours and she might get traffic or things happen. blah blah blah. Same crap BM is always saying. He said we have a set time to pick her up and it's the same drive, she can leave early like we do. Then she says it's not the same because we drive on Sunday. BM goes on Friday and there's more traffic. She's just full of excuses, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree apparently. (We've even offered to bring SD to grandma's during the week so she can see her sister, but she wasn't able to do that) Let's see, we are letting her have a weekend that isn't really hers. We've kept her the last two weekends because BM had one reason or another to cancel, and he's letting her pick her up at whatever time she wants... and she's still not happy!!! She just wants to screw with me and have me sit there all day while she takes her time, just to piss me off. The last time she did it, I left and she was pissed, ranting & raving and making threats.

I just can't believe that she's now getting her mom involved. I was thinking about that other thread 'would you do it over again' and I'm thinking NO WAY!!! It has nothing to do with my step daughter or my husband. My step daughter and I have a bumpy relationship sometimes but it has some wonderful moments. If I had known that I would have to put up with a crazy person that gave birth to the poor child, I'd probably have passed on this marriage. I love my husband with all my heart and now he's starting to realize just how much, now that he sees what I'm having to put up with. If it weren't for his love and appreciation and the relationship that is growing with his daughter (and seeing her happy), I don't know if I could do this.

how about documenting it all and addressing it in court? i don't know what for but maybe something can be done...

in a meanwhile if she is not there at 11:15AM you should be out of the door right that minute, you, DH and SD. and since it is not even BM's weekend you can just go out and be out the whole day. seriously. don't even have to come back, maybe you should take off for two day trip or something. don't have to wait. i know it hurts the child but you can come up with soemthing fun for her so she will forget for a moment.
unbelivable.

So sorry to hear that, Ima. That must be an incredibly difficult situation for you, SD & DH. It's clear that you care and try your best, hang in there.

I'm happy to report that there were no problems. SD was supposed to have a play date in the morning, but the other girl canceled so I took her to the park until 11. The park is a few minutes from my house. At 10:49, BM sent me a text message 'where are you? we are at the house' and she sent DH 'I'm here, where the hell is she?'. So, I got back home at 11:08 and she glared at me but didn't say a word. SD got out of my car & into hers and they left. SD probably had to listen to her rant about us being late, even though she was 25 minutes early. Anyways, I'm happy with how it went.

At Christmas we includ a friend whose two daughters spend Christmas morning with their dad (which is about the only time he bothers to take them.) Well this year the youngest one went and the older one who is 15 told him she wasn't spending anymore holidays with him until he started making a greater effort during the year. His answer..."Well I guess we won't be seeing you anymore." What?????? so she came with her mother. I feel proud that she stood up for herself and so sad that her dad can't see her side of it.

Christmas afternoon the other daughter called to say that her dad was dropping her off because he was taking a "family" trip to Disney (neither girl was invited.)

Who are these people????

"Christmas afternoon the other daughter called to say that her dad was dropping her off because he was taking a "family" trip to Disney (neither girl was invited.)"

That has got to be one of the most horrible statements ever made. I hope Mickey smacked him when they got there.

I can totally relate.

Biomom took the income tax money and went to Disney World....without the girls and (it gets better)had the nerve to bring back cruddy souveniers as a consolation prize. Are we talking about the same woman here?

The girls were so excited about the stupid little toys never realizing that Mommy dearest had gone to Mickey's house with out them. Another moment in which if it wasn't against the law to strangle someone to death........

NC fathers do this all the time, if not to Disney then to some other fun place. My exH has never taken any of the kids on vacation, and he is not atypical. Unless it is someplace extremely kid-oriented like Disney, it is only notable when a NC mother does it, apparently.

I think it is not only notable but disgusting when any parent takes a "family" trip that doesnt include the entire family. ESPECIALLY in the above circumstance.. how can you drop off your kid early from a holiday no less saying that you are taking a family trip to Disney (to top off the crapiness of the entire thing) what a craptastic dad ....

Well if one more person in RL tells me how nice my kids' father is to take them out to dinner at a fast food restaurant once a week, I think I am going to scream.

see, I wouldnt have any problem with that because that is where sarcasm comes into handy... something along the lines of "Really? Well, I guess if you call breaking up a family, abadoning your kids, refusing to support or participate in there lives or allow them into your new house and then hoping to ease the situation and your own conscience with a big mac is nice then yes it is nice." would have come out of my mouth.

exactly mom_of_4!

TOS, I don't think your exH has a fan base here. Just because someone says a NCP is wrong or crappy for excluding thier child on a 'family' trip and you are told by anyone that your exH is 'nice', does that mean that you think it's okay for a NCP to take a family vacation without their children? Are their children still a part of their family? Or is it okay if they only take the children that live with them? Just because NC fathers do it all the time, doesn't make it okay. It's horrible for any parent to plan a 'family' trip and not include the whole family. It's not a gender issue, doesn't matter if it's mom or dad.

I never said that it was exceptable for any parent to let their child down. It's disgusting from all sides. I am a Step and wouldn't even do that to my step children. It's unforgivable.

No, for a lot of NCP's, especially male ones, the children are not considered part of their family any longer, at least not part of their immediate family. This attitude is not only on the part of the NCP, but also on the part of a lot of other people, including all those people who are telling me how nice it is that he takes them to dinner - the same way it would be nice of their aunt or godparent or something to do so.

I've seen these parents who 'move out and move on.' I've also seen the steps who come in and welcome the child with open arms and include them more than their bio parent does. Who is nice then?

"I've seen these parents who 'move out and move on."

And in almost every case, there is a stepparent/SO.

I have yet to meet a stepparent in RL who welcomed their SC with anything approaching open arms.

I'd hate to be in your circle of friends.... my kids' fathers (the two younger ones) moved out & moved on when there was no step parent involved.

and just in case you say that I was never married to them, that's true. But my exBF was married to the mother of his three kids and she also moved out and moved on (well before he met me). She 'visited' them once a year, and by visited, when the fair rolled into town, she would pick them up for one afternoon and take them to the fair (because she was a carnie) and they didn't see her until the next year. and even though I wasn't 'legally' a step mom to them, I approached them with open arms and raised them for seven years, doing for them as I did for my own kids. Unfortunately, their father didn't see a need for me to continue to be in their lives unless I was in his.

TOS,

I am sorry that the stepparents you met are not like the ones I have known. On here and in real life I have seen stepparents that do welcome skids with open arms.

In my experience I have seen many more parents that are worse to their own kids then the stepparents are. Like the bm's many of us speak of. Or what about the bm's that have killed their own children?

I fell in love with my dh and then met my skids. Why would I have done anything other than welcome them with open arms? The thought never crossed my mind to treat them poorly, or differently than my own child. But I am the type of person who treats all my families children and all my friends children well.

TOS - perhaps we should meet?

I witnessed the first stepparent I ever met kick his stepdaughter hard in the middle of her back. Most of the others I met were merely cold, unfriendly, and anxious to make sure the children spent as little time with their spouse as possible.

My husband and I married 4 years ago. He had two children fulltime whose mother sees them a few times a year under supervision (she has psychosis and bi-polar and cycles in and out of hospitals). I have three children fulltime whose whose deadbeat father went to jail because he was about $80K behind in child support. His parental rights were suspended (he's alcoholic) and he could have gotten them back, but never bothered.

Back when my ex was still interested in visitation, he played all those visitation games. This is how we solved them: We had the pick ups and drop offs in the lobby of the local sheriff substation. That way it was documented exactly when I arrived and when he arrived. I stayed 20 minutes past the court ordered time, and if he wasn't there by then, we left. He couldn't say I was late or withholding the children (which he tried) because the dispatcher logged us in when we got there and noted either what time I left or what time he showed up. The problems vanished.

No more games with time changes. No more snide remarks and ugly accusations. No more lingering. No more wondering how long I should wait, for someone who wasn't communicating and was trying to make me in the wrong. No more blaming. The process was over in a half hour at the most and we went on with our day.

He stood the kids up several times, but that resulted in him not seeing the kids. He tried to blame me, but the judge was having none of it.

Until our mediator suggested this, I didn't know it was possible. A LOT of parents do this. I once apologized for 'bothering' them. The dispatcher said, "We have to be here anyway, and it's better than us having to go out and intervene in a dispute."

The process was this. We arrived. I went to the dispatch window. She gave me a pre printed business card of the duty officer of the day. On the back she wrote the time I arrived. When we left I went back to the window and she either wrote: "No show" or the time my ex showed up. When it was time for a drop off, I got another little card with the times I arrived and the kids got dropped off. If he were late, I had indisputable proof.

The kids could wait in the car or the lobby. They liked the lobby because the police were so nice to them.

After a year I had 100 little cards that showed how unreliable my ex was. The judge didn't buy his whining that it was my fault. If you care about your kids, you show up on time.

Would something like this work for you?

"I witnessed the first stepparent I ever met kick his stepdaughter hard in the middle of her back"

I hope you called children's services and the police.

No, I didn't - I was in my early teens at the time and had never even heard of social services.

I understand you'll say it was the dark ages, or make up some other excuse, but calling the police should have been a no brainer if you saw an adult assault a child. (the relatinship between the adult & child would be irrelevant if done in the manner you describe) Even a teenager would know that.

Oh for Pete's sake. You are going to argue about everything, aren't you. What a ridiculous thing to say. You know full well that the police wouldn't have done anything about that based on a teen's testimony in the 1960's. I am not sure they would do anything now, and I certainly wouldn't expect someone who was 13 or 14 to report it.

You of all people - you who were a victim of a crime that you didn't report when you were not a young teen, but 17 - DID I TELL YOU THAT REPORTING THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A NO-BRAINER??? No, because I realized that you were not an adult.

I don't blame a victim for not reporting it, there is fear. but a bystander witness... did you at least tell your parent? If it was significant enough for it to form your opinion on step parents, you must have known the people or how would you know it was a step parent? It really doesn't make sense but you brought it up as your example of why you believe the way you do about stepparents.

I think even in the 1960's, kicking a child in the back would have been taken seriously... especially when you suggest that telling a child 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out' as a credible threat.

Their family and mine were vacationing at the same place, so I had known her for a couple of days. Yes, I told my parents, and although they thought the stepfather was mean, I don't think they realized it was abusive. Of course they didn't actually see it.

I suppose you think a 13 or 14 year old bystander would have no reason to be afraid of an angry adult male, one who was obviously capable of violence? I remember that my first inclination was to run after him and physically restrain him, but obviously that would have been both ineffective and dangerous. I don't know if I thought of this aspect at the time, but he was also a wealthy and probably influential surgeon, capable of destroying my parents' careers and all of our lives - and for nothing, since domestic violence and child abuse was something that was just not talked about then. At a time when it was considered perfectly acceptable to beat your child with a belt, when the nuns could whack the kids hands as hard as they could with a ruler, you really think anyone would have cared?