You're sure you want to enter in this situation? Geez,....sounds like a recipe for disaster. Your fiancee is the one who needs to address this situation, not you. It's HIS son. He's not yours, and at this point, you are still nothing to him. You're not his stepmom. You're competition for his father's affection.

"She is not allowing him to love me" Uh, WHY do you want this? You and your fiancee will NEVER be able to start your life together like this. You can't just ignore that he exists. The ex-wife is NOT going to go away. I don't understand WHY you want to do this? It's obvious that your fiancee has no control over this situation. Things don't get better when you get married--they usually get HARDER.

You are kidding yourself is you think that getting married is "starting your life." The minute you marry this man, you CHOOSE to put up with the stepson's disrespect and anger and the ex-wife's manipulation.

"I can't take anymore." Enough said. Dont' get married because you will most certainly HAVE to.

You have choices. Plenty of them.

I can relate to what you are going through. It is up to your soon to be hubby to put a stop to it. If you try, then his ex and son will only get worse (I have experience in this dept.). If you are going to marry, I highly recommend family counseling for the three of you.

Hello, I would suggest you get out now. It will only get worse. The age of the child makes no difference. If dad allows this child to act this way now it will not change after you get married. Best of luck.

Adults control kids, not the other way around. You know that from your work.

Let your fiance know that he needs to solve this problem before you will go farther with the engagement. Put a hold on the wedding planning. I bet that will show you what he is made of.

RUN!!!!! Imagine him as a teenager!

Imagine the continual dissension between you and the kid's father over everything: bedtimes, behavior, etc. Imagine the poisonous ex-wife's influence over the kid.

" I can't go on like this, something needs to change"
Change the wedding plans! The family and the dad are extremely unlikely to change. Yes, you "love" him, whatever that means, but how much does he love you if he lets his kid treat you with disrespect?

Honestly, I am very concerned about this, I am afraid things will get much worse after you marry. Is your future husband the custodial parent? Even if he isn't now that could change in the future. (Happened to me, now DH and I are raising the teenage stepson that bio-mother refuses to take back into her home.)
I imagine the time you and your man spend together is great, and maybe you only have the child every other weekend and maybe some extra time. So it can usually be managable since it has built in limits. you sound like a nice person and I bet your future husband is a nice guy. My husband is a good person and I do love him, but I don't think he and his ex-wife did a good job of parenting, and really their divorce made it harder but it didn't turn either of them from a competent, mature parent into a less than stellar parent. Many people just can't do a good job of parenting, and feel guilty after the divorce.

I think you should go to counseling as a family or individual therapy. But as other posters have said it is up to the father to get this situation under control, and that may or may not happen, or happen until it is too late. I see that now, before I thought things could be fixed with my problem solving skills.

I know you want this marriage to work, and I wish you the best. Please try counseling, please let us know how you are doing.

Hello. I hope that I can help you see this in a different light, I have no expertise or qualifications except the fact that I am mother to 6 boys and stepmother to one boy-thats right-a total of 7 boys. I am 49 years old and the boys ages are 4, 5 ,26, 27, 28,31 and stepson is 16.I think that the other posters messages were discouraging, although I am sure that they didn't mean for them to be. I know that they are trying to help and it is a touchy sitation. For what its worth, this is what I think:
The little boys behaviour is not his fault. He has been allowed to act this way ,and also he is 4 which is sometimes a terrible age! My 4 year old can throw some hellashus (however you spell that!) fits.Certainly it couldn't hurt for his father, and even his mother, if possible, to explain to him that kind of treatment of you is not acceptable. But think about this: He is just a baby still. Really, he probaly had only been potty trained for about a year-and I know that its hard, but he is still a baby. I remind myself of that when my 4 year old os being really obnoxious. I listen and watch him to remind myself how small and vunerable he still is.He still can't say Look yet-he says Hook. and for police he says supplice. My point is, a little boy like that, that hasn't even developed his language completly, can still be taught so much. You don't have to love him right now. Hopefully that will come later. But try to be his friend. Do things with him he likes-even if its just getting down on the floor and playing hot wheels cars. Show him how to plant seeds, and then sneak out and plant lolipops where you put the seeds, then sit back and watch his eyes light up when he sees them. Make him feel like the center of the universe when hes with you and then how could he not love you? Childrens love is unconditional. Children cry for their parents even when their parents are abusive to them. So how could he not love someone that is good to him and shows him attention, reads him storys,tickles him.....It might not be easy at first, but he will come around if you make an honest effort, and then someday you will realize that he has snuck into your heart. I don't know if I have helped at all, but I hope that I have given you some different ideas,rather than the idea that you are making a mistake and that you should give up. I wish you all the best.

"I think that the other posters messages were discouraging, although I am sure that they didn't mean for them to be."

That's where you're wrong. I fully intended to be discouraging. This woman is obviously NOT prepared for step-parenthood.

I do NOT understand marrying a man who has children you don't love. It's just a recipe for resentment to pile up and pile up and one day be dumped right in the lap of the child--who is not one iota responsible for the situation.

Nope, she shouldn't marry him. Don't know how else to put it.

I also stick by my original statement.

It would be one thing if the man and his family were steadily civilizing the child, and if the ex-wife were accepting of the divorce. But ... "Everybody thinks he can do no wrong."

She's been trying for three years and getting nowhere.

I would suggest that you spend the time reading ALL of the entries on the step parent forum, and REALLY spend time thinking what your life will be like if you marry a man whose child you hate. This little boy is going to be in your life for the rest of your life. It is going to get harder, not easier. Think this through VERY carefully. If everyone thinks he can do no wrong, it sounds like you are going to come off looking/being the bad guy in all of this. Also, you should be honest with your man about how you REALLY feel about his child.

Hi Lilyrose, I am a SM of two adult SKs and it is still difficult dealing with them. It does not go away. I do not have any children of my own. I feel that I do not truely love my SK, but I do respect them and treat them fairly. SD is 23 and SS is 19. I met my DH 5 years ago after his ex had left him for another man and the SKs were fine with me. The friction between the SKs and myself started after we married about a year ago. The SS already lived with us but then the SD (22 at the time)moved in and boy did trouble begin. She said BM would not let her live with her. To this day I feel SD intentionally tried to break DH and I up and sometimes SS joined in. I could give many examples but it would take to much time. We dealt with the situation, but I felt like I was going crazy in my own home (or was it my home?). I finely took a different job in a city about an one hour away and told DH I was moving there. He was fine with that and wanted to move with me. I truely believe if we would of stayed there with 22 y o SD living with us we would have divorced. We are very happy now and the SKs come to visit and we visit them occasionally. I try to forget all the mean things the kids did, but it is hard. I remind myself frequently these are my DH's kids and he loves them. So, just remember the SK will always be there even in adulthood and DH will always have to be there for them. They do not go away and I felt that when we did get married it did get worse. Also, they can come and live with you full-time at any time. I was lucky they were adults. Good luck and really think this over. You are young, it does take alot of patience and understanding to make it work for everyone. You are not alone and I truely understand the feeling you are having. Best wishes, louisedawn

Please look at the thread " Are less frequent visits better than every 2nd week"? and scroll down to the post entered Thursday, Jan 19 21:49 -

Hi there... I just joined this forum and, like you, I'm also so glad I found this place. There is no clean-cut answer to your question... If anyone tells you "Yes, marry him" or "No, it's a mistake" obviously has not been there. I can only tell you about what I did and what the result is now, 5 years later. Like you, I faced the dilemma, Can you marry a man who has a child you don't love? I did marry a man whose child I didn't care for much. Like you, I'm not a child-hater (I have a one-year-old baby of my own whom I love dearly), but the feelings I have for my stepson have grown to almost "hate" status. My situation is slightly different - my husband's ex-wife (my SS mom) has nothing to do with him or us. We haven't even heard from her in years. But my SS pulls the same stuff as your fiance's child. He not only disrespects me, but everyone. His behavior has improved a little, but he's 5 years older now. He still gets discipline reports home from school and makes poor grades in everything because he refuses to listen and apply himself in class. However, his grandparents (my husband's parents - who are a HUGE part of all our lives, unfortunately) treat him like he can do no wrong. They buy him things all the time, just because he says "I want that." He never has to earn anything he gets and he has no respect for anything he has. He knows if he loses it or breaks it, they'll just buy him another. So he never does chores at home, never tries to improve at school, never makes any effort, because they do anything he wants them to do. My husband is not quite as blind to his behavior and lack of effort, but he still lets him get away with too much.
I can't tell you what to do - obviously I made the choice to get married, and glad to this day to be married to my husband. I love him very much! However, if I could wish my SS into non-existence, I would do it in a heartbeat! That's how bad it is. If you put up with that kind of behavior year after year and you've given it your all with no reciprocation, the resentment builds until you just give up. You say you've given up. I've also given up. I'm not supposed to discipline my SS because i'm the "stepmom". My husband says "no, you're his mom." but then when I tell my SS to do something or get onto him for his behavior or grades or whatever, my husband gets onto me for getting onto him. So, I've stopped. I figure, if he flunks out of school, if he ends up in jail, whatever happpens to him, it's not my fault. It's hard for me because I have my daughter now, but because my SS never has had any respect for me (or anyone else, for that matter) I don't want him to have anything to do with my daughter. Well, of course everyone else (including my SS) would love to see they play together all the time. Needless to say, when it comes to my baby girl, I am very protective. He has practically nothing to do with her and I make sure they are never anywhere together when I'm not there to supervise. It's a hard way to live. I have posted my own message asking for advise on how to deal with all this. It's very hard to love your husband so much and dislike his child to the extent that I dislike my SS. But, my SS earned every emotion I have for him. It can be done... I'm living proof, but it's not easy. I guess what makes it a little easier for me is that because my SS is such a brat, even my husband wants little to do with him most of the time. He spends a lot of time in his room by himself, mostly because he knows I can't stand to be around him, and his dad is always busy with other stuff. Anyway - think about it long and hard. Maybe your fiance's child will come to accept you and maybe he'll grow out of all these behavioral issues. I know my SS has grown out of a lot of his, but the root of the problems is still there - what he wants is more important than anything else in the world. That is there to stay because everyone in his family reinforces the behavior and the mind set.

asmith...please read the new thread/post on the forum titled: "I know this is long, please read" and scroll down to my post: bnicebkind Wed. Jan 25, 06 0:08 perhaps you should read her post first, but please my response too.
I also want to say that I "get" your side to this. But are YOU able to understand his side in this? Perhaps if you read: "Grieving...lost everything...where is home" you would understand his side too. And remember, when OUR behavior changes, our feelings can change too. One day at a time...can you "look" for things to compliment this child about? Because as your behavior changes, his may begin to change too, and he may not irritate you as much. Can you greet him with a smile when he comes home? Can you search for the good that every person has?

Hmm,...asmith, perhaps you ought not put words in my mouth, okay? To say that I don't "get" it or haven't been there, is assuming a lot of things about me.

First off, you have a CHOICE. Your SS does NOT.

"I guess what makes it a little easier for me is that because my SS is such a brat, even my husband wants little to do with him most of the time."

THIS POOR CHILD! No wonder he has behavioral issues. Your husband is the one who needs to be in charge, to discipline, to motivate, to be A PARENT. Stop fooling yourself--this is a horrendous situation, and will end up probably being very destructive for everyone in the long run.

I hope that these women who are contemplating marrying men with children they dislike read your post very carefully and make some hard, critical decisions about whether they want to end up bringing their own children into a situation such as you describe, which sounds to me like horrors in all directions. If you think that your daughter is insulated from this, think again.

Wow,...I am totally flabbergasted that you think that this situation "works."

Vivian31 and brincebkind... I know you both are right about me and my situation... all of your comments have been a huge wake-up call for me! I made a follow-up post to my original post after reading your responses. I am "flabbergasted" that I thought it was working also! I am a Christian, and I do believe the Lord can work miracles, and after a lot of soulsearching, I feel as though a veil has been lifted and I can see myself - the way I used to be and the way I am now - I have become a horrible person. But I will ask the Lord's forgiveness and I will ask the forgiveness of my SS and go from there. Brincebkind, you are right! I should greet him with a smile, hug him back when he hugs me, compliment him! I am destroying him, and I don't have that right!!! I should look for the good and change my behavior! I'm sure my feelings will begin to change with honest effort. I will keep you all posted on how we're progressing (not here, but in my original post) If things remain bad, I WILL get professional help and I will have no choice but to talk to my husband.
And to Lilyrose17... I'm afraid I've redirected the responses to your dilemma, but I really hit a cord with some people here (understandably) I want you to know that I am in no position to be giving advice, so disregard the earlier post I made. Read Vivian's... she makes a lot of sense. No one can tell you what to do, but if you don't love, or even like the child, resentment will build and you will find yourself in a very bad situation. Thanks again to everyone who has written to me. Good luck, Lilyrose!!!

I recently turned 20, and I am a step-child. I have been for basically my whole life .
I know that this may be a bit of odd advice since everyone else seems to be telling you to "GET OUT NOW", but quite honestly, I would say "stick with it".
My Daddy is married to a woman that I can't stand, but my Mom is married to a man that became "Dad."
They met when I was 5,and I couldn't stand him. I only wanted Mommy.
My parents divorced when I was 1, so mommy was all I basically had. I did visit my real father who I call "daddy" every other weekend, but since I was 5 or so, the title "Dad" has been reserved for my mother's husband.
When they met, I did everything I could to irritate him. I even bit him once when he kissed my mom.
When I finally realized that he wasn't going away, I began to love him. One night I walked up to my mom when I was about 5 or 6 and said "Do you think he would care if I called him 'Dad'?" My mom told me to go ask him, and when I did, he got kinda teary eyed and told me yes.
So, no matter how bad you think it is right now, if you love your fiance, give it time and consider that your future step-son is only 4. Kids go through stages that make them seem like little demons, but he should grow out of it.

AR_Dramaqueen

lilyrose...just wondering what you decided to do...

Just wanted to point out something I picked up in your post. He said "mommy doesn't want me to have two mommies." Please don't take offense if I'm wrong here, but did you ask this child to call you mommy? If so, his defensive feelings would be perfectly understandable. If this child has his mother as his primary caregiver, why would he want to call someone else mommy? And why wouldn't that upset any mother? I certainly wouldn't want my son to call someone else mommy.

If his statement was not in response to being asked to call you mommy, but was more of an intuition on his part that you might be trying to step into the role of mommy, his reaction is still understandable. Rather than take it personally, I would simply tell him that you don't expect to be another mommy to him, since he already has a mommy. That your role is not the same as his mother's, but you still care about him and that since you are an adult in his life, when he is at your house, he needs to respect what you say. Then maybe he won't feel like he has to defend his mother's role in his life.

Personally, I would not ask my son to call another man daddy unless his dad was out of his life. And I would expect the same respect from my son's stepmother.

Wow PAIGECT, Hope this does not sound to cruel. I have read a few of your posts. It appears you have a real ex-wife/bio-mother syndrome, hang-up and chip on your shoulder. Why should you care if your child calls his step-mother "mommy"? She is a mother to him when he is with her. The more mommy's to give out love, attention, and support the better. I do see you as the one causing the problem. Let children do what they feel they are comfortable with. I have seen more ex-wife/bio mothers cause more trouble for step parents/families. Jealousy/envy appears to be part of the reason. I thought you wanted your son to have as many loving people in his life as possible. Maybe you should give the step mother a little more respect. Get a life and quit worrying what your son calls his step-mother. Get out an meet someone new and see how easy it is to have another person (step dad) involved in the picture. Once you have done that then feel free to give advise.

Sunnygardenme...

I am a stepmother to 2--have been for a LONG time, and I don't think that Paige is out of line at all.

We have never told our kids to call me mom--that can if they want, really doesn't matter. Believe it or not, their mother has actually encouraged them to call me that....LOL, but they just don't--for the most part. The boy will occasionally, but not often. Eh...

What I do know is that they were told at a very young age (when mom married her husband) that they SHOULD call their stepdad "dad." And they have. Now, I have some firsthand experience here, and I know FOR A FACT that this hurts my husband--their father. He felt as if he were being replaced--which, to be honest, was what she was trying to do.

Now, as far as this affecting the kids--I'm sure it did. They didn't want to hurt their father's feelings, and it was very hard for him not to show it at first when they called the stepdad "dad." (He has long since gotten over it.) They did get wind of it and backtracked pretty quick. It was uncomfortable and sad and I am sorry that it had to be that way. Luckily, it's kind of water under the bridge at this point.

Yes, we all want loving people in the kids' lives, but that doesn't mean that they have to call them "mommy" or "daddy." And to be honest, I would discourage it also. "Mommy" and "daddy" are pretty special titles that I wouldn't want to water down.

I am a mother & stepmother too. All I said was "let the children do what they feel comfortable with". I was trying to point out to her that it is really up to the child. Sure it is a pretty special title, but if a child wants to call his step mother "mommy" let him or her and don't make it an issue. If you make it a issue that is what hurts the child. Leave your personal jealousy and control out of the picture. Children in divorced families need all the support and love they can get and if calling a stepparent "mommy" works for them, let it go. I don't feel step parents should make a child call them "mommy or daddy", but sometimes they want to do that. It is ok, parents should be happy they have such a close relationship with another loving person and not be so jealous. Do whats best for the child that is all I am saying. Do not make a big issue of it and let the child be happy.

I'm not jealous of my son's stepmother, but I do have a lot of contempt for her, as well as pity. I'll be the first to admit that. I always put a smile on my face when she's around, and I would never dream of saying anything bad about her to ds or around ds. But her own husband, in therapy with me when we were trying to straighten out visitation issues, told me that she hates my son, has since they met when he was a year old, will never change her opinion, is cold (and even mean) toward him and extremely jealous of him. She tries to limit ds' time with his father, and when they do spend time together (2-3 times per year) she insists on being with them every minute and even insists that she and her dh have significant alone time, which interrupts ds' time with his dad. If he only sees his dad for a week or two out of the year, and she hates ds anyway, why not let them have a little space? When ds was very young, she would cry whenever he called to talk to his dad (maybe once a week), to the point where ds' father wouldn't take his calls when she was home. I know this because my ex has told me, by way of explaining why he was not talking to ds as much. This has nothing to do with ds and his behavior, since it started before he could even talk. It is simply because ds exists in the world, and that ruins her vision of the "perfect" family with her dh. I realize that not all stepmothers are this way, I really do. But I have seen posts on this board that seem like they could have been written by her, and I feel for the children on the other end of those relationships.

As for calling someone else "mom," sorry, I still don't see it. If I were to get married tomorrow, and my new dh were with my ds every day as a result, I still would not have him call my dh "dad." Ds has a dad, and I am not trying to replace him. I would not want to put my ds in the position of feeling like he was being disloyal every time he called my hypothetical ds by a term of endearment. Why not come up with a new, special name for a step-parent, even if it's "momma anne", or something to that effect? Otherwise it stirs up too much confusion and conflicted emotions, imo. And btw, this didn't happen in my situation. Ds' stepmom does not want to be called mom, and has never suggested it to my son. It would be laughable if she did - - she's like an anti-mom!

As for getting out and meeting someone new, sunnygardener, I have made the decision not to get involved in a relationship until my son is grown, unless someone were to come along who had no kids and whom I could completely trust to help me provide a stable environment for my son. He has been hurt so badly by his father and stepmother that I am focusing on providing a stable, loving environment with as little interference and conflict as possible. He has never been able to understand how his father could choose to marry someone who so obviously hates him. I wouldn't want him to fear the same thing on my side. Sorry, but your perception that I'm jealous of my ex and his wife is way off the mark. I feel sorry for my ex for missing out on his son growing up, and because he has demonstrated a complete lack of character. I am much happier in my life than his father is in his, probably because I go to sleep at night with a clear conscience. I have nothing to be jealous of. Sad and disappointed for my son, yes, but not jealous.

Thank you, Vivian, for providing some balance and sage advice. Apparently, it will have more meaning coming from someone who is a step-mom than from me.

I'm with you, Paige. I don't think that I'd marry again if I had kids of my own. The whole stepfamily thing is VERY difficult at times.

It does help that DH and I don't have any children between us, so his 2 can be the sole focus--and I certainly don't feel as if I have lost anything just because I'm not the mommy... Mom and stepdad have one between them, and are getting ready to (gulp) adopt another one, so every day I am more and more glad that DH and I did not have our own. It is hard to be the stepmom sometimes, but that's not important. What's important is that those 2 kids feel at home here and that their father is ALWAYS there for them. I'm pretty content to kind of take a back seat.

This is my first time ever in a forum and I'm glad that I found this. I finally have validation that I'm not crazy in feeling the way I do. I have 3 stepchildren. 2 boys, one girl. We had all three for almost 6 years, then the girl went to live with her mom. Thank goodness, because the wonderful relationship that I had developed with her was starting to deteriorate due to her mom's interference and the natural maturing(?) process that all kids go through. We now have rebuilt our original relationship (it helps that we see each other only a few times a month) and are good friends.

The biggest problem through all the years has been my husband's oldest son. He made my life a living hell. It got so bad that I spent all my time at home locked in my room. I would come home from work, make dinner and then disappear into my room for the rest of the evening. My husband tried to control his son but nothing worked. The child was out of control. The other two kids had to have locks on their doors to protect them. This kid bounced back and forth between his mom and dad's houses, but was mainly with us. My husband told me that the kid would be gone on his 18th birthday. I made him promise that it would happen and told him if it didn't then I would be gone. I knew that I would have to leave in order to save my sanity. Three months before my ss turned 18, my husband was forced to kick him out. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders that day was immense.

I don't love this child. I don't like this child. I've almost, but not quite, given up the hope that one day we can be friends.

My advice to lilyrose17 is to think long and hard about what your life will be like in year, in 5 years, in 10 years. The behaviour you see now will, in all likelihood, continue. Is that what you want?

"If I had known then what I know now" is a common refrain that goes through my mind. I love my husband and we've made it through the worst, but we have battle scars that are hard to erase. I'm not sure that it was worth it, and I know for a fact that I if I could have seen the reality of it all ahead of time, I would not have married him. I would have run from the relationship in its early stages.

I know it can feel impossible to parent a child that isn't your own, and it does sound like this little one is out of control. My suggestion is remember Children learn what they live, they are a product of their enviornment, and this little guy only knows what he has been told. So I would look to the adults around him to find out who is causing this behavior.

I am a stepparent to a 12 year old boy and a 14 year old girl, and no matter what I do, or what I give, things have only gotten worse.

So please, please, please, go into this with both eyes open. Unfortunately your realtionship will be controlled by a lot more people than just you and your fiance.

Great luck! Hang In, and stay honest so you have nothing to reget later.
Julie

I just wanted to update everyone on what happened in my life and also offer some encouragement to anyone who was in my shoes when I made this original post.

First off, thank you for all the responses and advice. I was not replying as this was a difficult time for me, but believe me, I listened to your words and acted upon them. I had a heart to heart with my fiance at the time and asked that he speak with his ex. His ex must have had a flash of intelligence that day (lol) since she did talk to the ss about how I am going to be in his life forever, etc. etc. By the grace of God, it changed his behavior towards me! That must have been what he was waiting for. I also spoke to his dad and we came up with a united front towards raising & disciplining him and even though we may disagree about something - the ss won't know it. I also completely backed off of disciplining him, unless extremely necessary (dangerous situations - running in the road, etc.).

Now on to the good part. On Christmas - he walked up to me by himself without any prompting, sat on my lap and said "I love you". I just started crying since it meant the world to me. He had never said this to me before, geez, he had never even talked to me on his own really. Since then we of course have had ups and downs - he's 4yrs - this is totally expected - but the downright disrespect is gone.

I did get married May 20th, and he was our ringbearer. He even waved and said hi when I walked down the aisle. He calls me his family and seems interested in my new role as a stepmom in his life. I tell him how lucky he is to have this big family and everyone who loves him so much. I told him he does not have to call me mom, but he has 'slipped' and called me mom a few times. Sometimes he gets resistant about accepting the change - but this is expected with children & change.

Moral of the story - do not just give up unless you have tried all options. I was at the end of my rope and needed help from his ex - I thought this was impossible, but it worked. Also, a united front together is extremely helpful - you need agreement when raising any kids, but especially stepchildren.

Good luck everyone and thanks again.

Happily married stepmom :-)

How can I ease my fiancee's concerns on these issues?
1.) Should I be expected to have unconditional love for my future stepchild immediately? I've known him for four months and care about him, but I feel it's ok for deeper love to develop over more time. My fiancee is troubled that I'm not at the unconditional love stage yet because she felt unconditional love for my 3-year-old right away.
2.) Are my fiancee's stepparenting expectations extreme? I'm having difficulty being 100 percent consistent and successful at helping her parent her child. He's got problems showing her respect but is otherwise a wonderful and very bright child. We don't live together yet, which could be one reason for my slow pickup. Also, I have far less parenting experience than she because she's been a single parent for 6 years, and I've been the secondary parent to my son for less than 2 years. I hate making these excuses to her because it isn't helping. She sees that I'm a pretty good parent with my child (I'm working on minor discipline problems now, but otherwise he's a pretty good kid) but she expects faster results with my son and with her son.
How can I get her to slow down? Or do I need to give 300 percent effort instead of my current 200 percent?

"We don't live together yet, which could be one reason for my slow pickup."

Good. Don't. You need to date a LOT longer before you think that you should be married. Four months is NOT long enough--especially where children are involved.

Slow is fine. Slow is better. You certainly are NOT his parent, so you shouldn't be acting like one. Why this huge rush? I don't understand.... There are more dynamics at work here if someone thinks that after 4 months they should be turning parenting rights of their child over to someone else.

"How can I get her to slow down?"

There are bigger things going on if she's in such a big rush. Is she afraid of losing you? By making you "Insta-Dad" she doesn't have to shoulder all the parenting responsibilities anymore. I know it's hard to be a single parent, but shoving your kid off on someone else can be MUCH more damaging.

She cannot force you to be "Insta-Dad" no matter what. She cannot force you to love her child. Nobody has that kind of power.

Seriously, you need a LOT more dating before you decide to marry this person. And DON'T LIVE TOGETHER. It's not fair to your kids....

I stumbled upon this site by chance...ironically I can relate to so many postings.
I have been in a marriage for 5 years now. I am a biological mother of 3 and a stepmother to 1 son. I can tell you this much, you don't have to nor can you force yourself to love your sk, however, you need to love your spouse or mate. Because I love him, I tell him the tough stuff people often neglect to say out of fear or a false sense of character. My stepson resides primarily with us and to be honest I don't enjoy him at all. I am selfish and I can be jealous. My husband has been abused by the biological mother in many ways. This child was held from him and literally hid for 2 months. Partly this situation occured because we are a biracial couple and the biological mother felt that this man was choosing to live with me and my children instead of living alone and being at her beck and call whenever she said, "your child needs you" in addition, the child is a direct product of his environment and the process of redirection and deprograming has become a challenge and the effects this little child he is 8 has on my own children is terrible. So, I treat him like he is a guest and I know eventually he will leave. He came into our life much later in our marriage as the mother literally dropped him off with a "here he is" attitude and decided to make the man accountable. I am not mean or negative and I maintain that my positive influence will eventually rub off, but I feel this child is his mothers has been for his entire life and now she wants accountability in addition to money, (which we have and will continue to pay) She can have him back and he wants to go back....most women don't want another woman raising their child, in addition, we filed for support since he now resides with us. Love your husband, discuss your feelings, remember how you would feel if the sk was your own, and remember they won't live with you forever because eventually they will be as sick of you as you are of them...and you will grow to care for them as they will for you and life goes on...if you truly love the man it will all work out...just be honest and try to deal with the many emotions that are generated from drama, jealousy, resentment. I am not crazy I have lived this for some time. My husband is a great man who has overcome many obstacles. He is a hard-worker a tremendous stepdad and a loving husband. He has gone from gang related violence to an elder in our church. He is devoted to God and his family. I realize my words may seem harsh but this story is one of great love and trials...we still continue to grow and struggle but somehow for years we have maintained. Remember he or she is a child and they didn't have a choice in this matter, however, and I know this will get some people put your marriage first and kids second without strong stability in your marriage, the children will sense the weakness and some will use it to gain control. We are women of strong direction and influence we can make or break a family...often times we hold the stuff together....if it's too much don't do it.

HI, I am a step mom and a mom... I have pondered this question over and over in my head. And the answer I came up with is NO! I did fall in love with his kids, I fell in love with him. The children were not part of the picture they lived with mom at the time, now one lives with us. I love My bio-kids, I gave birth to them, I held them and kissed them and bonded with them when they were little. His kids are Teen agers they are not cute and bonding with them isnt easy. I think its more of a type of love that you would have for a friend. As time goes on, either your caring and love will grow, or it wont. Both parties have to want the relationship to grow or nothing is going to happen. thats my conclusion right or wrong, Its all I could come up with.

Would any of you allow your biokids (while in an intact marriage with the other parent or not ) be disrespectful to you or spouse?
How is it that stepkids are allowed to be disrespectful just because of a divorced home?
Should adopted kids get to disrespect others in the same way because they are adopted?
Disrespect is disrespect no matter what the circumstances. Should the disrespectful party not be accountable and blameshift at his convenience?

:) I have two step children and the boy was similar to this little guy. He is at the age where he can be manipulated by his mom. THis should not deter you from you new love. You do not have custody of him 24/7 and from the sounds of it from his mom, you never will!!!.
STOP TRYING! I never tried with my step kids. First and foremost, they will never love you as their mom. Second , they will not have loyalty to you, only their parents. You can only be their friend. So when the little guy says my mom doesn't want two mommies. Tell him , i'm not your mommy and never will be. There is nothing wrong with that. Tell him you can only be his friend and that you are with his dad and love his dad very much. After that, just keep your distance and do your own stuff. He'll realize you are ignoring him and he'll want attention sooner or later. Be kind. I know he is a brat now. But your husband to be should put his foot down and discipline him from NOW...cause it won't be your job to do it. And to finally answer your question. No , you do not have to love them. Cause it is a fact. When you have your own child, you will love him or her. No one is forcing you to love this child. But do not hate him. Show him kindness. And a form of love will develope over time. A friendship love and no more.
I know it hurts. I'm hurting too cause my step son is being manipulated and no one likes to be excluded for no reason. Especially when an ex wife is manipulating him. BUT mark my words, show continual kindness no matter how much of a brat he is and the older he gets he will know who is good or not.
Important. Disrespect is disrespect. Your new hubby to be has to put his foot down on his son NOW.Not later. He should step in and tell him to be nice to you even that you are not his mom , he has no right being mean to anyone!!!

So far, my forcing him to choose between us is working in my favor. All of his kids (five from two f*cked up mothers)are juvey-hall brats - one even has an STD - and are nothing but EXPENSES to us - he feels terribly guilty because he regrets the relationship with his own dad who is deceased, but remember ladies... men want pu**sy - and if you're the one giving it to him, you have immensely more power than any wailing brat who is cutting his paycheck in half, no matter how guilty he feels.

I think I may puke....