I'll take her off your hands...no really I will. I grew up in a family where cleanliness didn't exist unless I was the one performing the duty. The clutter and mess actually made me feel claustrophobic. Now that my own daughter is grown with a family of her own, I do understand how hard it is to find that boundary where I want to still parent her yet she's a grown woman and doesn't need me to... and then theres the issue of two women doing certain things differently and I still want it done my way..(I'm the mom)...My daughter is pretty cool though, she has no problem telling me to back off...and I do.

Mom1 - What would you do if she were a girlfriend rather than your mom? Maybe leave the 'mess' and go out to lunch? Hit the after-Christmas sales? Play games with the kids?

Why don't you try that and see if you can't get your relationship moving to an adult-adult track? I lost my mom this past summer, but one of the things that made me happiest was how we were able to transition our relationship that way during her last year or so. She became my friend as well as my mom --

I can relate. My mom is a wonderful person and we have a phenomenal relationship. But she has the neatness thing, too, and it drives me batty. Usually I'm the one visiting her, and I literally can't make a bowl of instant oatmeal without her coming right up behind me to clean up after my apparently bad clean-up job. It's no use offering to clean the entire kitchen, she'll still have to go and do it "properly" herself.

Like you, I also feel that my mom needs more hobbies, and that it isn't just about being a neat freak but about being a bit bored and a bit at a loss for what else to do with her time. It's also about a fear that "things could get too chaotic or out of hand" if she lets herself have too much fun. That said, she *IS* a very fun (and funny) person... she just doesn't allow herself to have ENOUGH fun.

The only thing I've found that helps the situation at all (because you can only kead a horse to water, you can't make her drink) is to try and initiate fun stuff yourself for you guys to do and kinda let her know "hey, if you want to be spending time with me, this is what I'm doing, so come along..." and nine times out of ten, she'll have a great time. If nothing else, it'll be a nice break from the cleaning-up-after-everyone-else routine and she'll at least temporarily see what she's missing. And a bit of wine or beer helps too ;)

your mom can come and clean my home anytime, but then i have a broken and had to pay my niece $60. to vacuum for me. you would think she would do it without being paid.

i understand why it might bother you, no way would i let my MIL open a drawer in my home. i would let my mom. just ask your self what is more frustrating, letting her do chores or getting up tight about it.

Your mom sounds like my mother in law. Last time she stayed with us she hovered as I cooked, began doing dishes when I left the room, headed to my garden to weed and take care of my roses, and also commented on how to organize different things. I actually caught her in my room opening my closet! She saw me walk in and said "I am just snooping!"

I used to feel embarassed by it, like she did not feel I was clean enough. My dh pointed out that she is just trying to be helpful.

So accept it. And do try to get her to do fun stuff with you instead at times!

I'm in the "mom's here" club. I never imagined that my child/children would resent parts of my visits and yet I know they can hardly help themselves for all the "mother bashing" kids do when they get together with their friends and siblings. And knowing it all starts out as joking around, venting, making conversation etc, by participating there will always be carry over vibes and even resentments that build up. I think you might want to examine where your feelings stem from.
My "intentions" of doing laundry, dishes, sweeping are not to make my daughter feel guilty or that I think the running of her home is lacking, but to ease her burden. To ease her burden. While growing up I witnessed that when the women folk got together they would help with ANY and EVERY chore that needed tackling. The men folk did the same. No one ever felt as though the other was lacking in their housekeeping skills. It used to take a village. And sadly I see that some of "today's" families have created an island.
Your mother thinks you are the best. Just the best. She wants to be part of your village. I bet your folks did not come to "visit the sites", but to just "be" with their kids, to take in the essence of you again :)
Five days out of 365 is but a grain of rice, I know you'll give your Momma that tiny taste with joy in your heart :) And she'll go home with peace and joy in her heart.
In friendship,
Deborah

There may even be an element of what motivates me in your mother's need to help you. An adopted child, my adoptive father (who was unable to father children due to having mumps as a youngster) resented my very existence, as well as that of my unrelated adopted younger brother. He would take us on night time trips to what he told us was the orphanage, painintg a Dickensian picture of the lives of the children there. Then he'd follow up with "And that's where YOU'RE going if you don't behave." So all my life one of my major motivations has been to please those around me, to be helpful and useful, so they'd keep me. Fortunately I recognise this now so it doesn't always drive me, but it's hard to get out of the habit.
Perhaps subconsciously your mother is saying, "Look how helpful I am, please keep me."

Mom1 - I come at this from both perspectives - as a daughter and now as a mother and MIL. My mother, with whom I had plenty of problems off and on, has been gone for fifteen years now. And I would give anything to see her again, have her walk in the front door and say "Now what needs sewing? Where is the vacuum cleaner? Let me just clear those dishes up." Because it gave her great pleasure to do that, and because I sometimes miss her to the point of feeling physical pain.

IF she is not picking fights with you, IF she is not nasty and critical, IF she just wants to help - then please let her. This is how she expresses her love for you, this is the best that she can do to feel a part of your family. At her age she is probably not going to change. Some women derive immense pleasure from doing housework and "getting everything right" - I do, when my back isn't hurting. Yes, it can involve some OCD-ness and some need for control, but that isn't necessarily bad, unless the person doing it is deliberately trying to make you feel bad.

Is your mom critical - "You shouldn't do it that way!"; "Let me show you how to do it properly!"; "Good grief, this place is a mess!" Or does she just ask to help, and think about chores that she could do? There's a difference. My first MIL was hyper-critical - "Surely you change the dish towels every day?" - but my mother just wanted to help.

If your mother is truly a great lady and you love her dearly - think about allowing her to do what she would like to do - help you out.

When we go to visit older DS and DDIL, I know to leave them alone regarding housework. They are unpacking and decorating their new home. I KNOW that I could do it better. But it's not my business, so I keep my mouth shut and enjoy their wonderful company.

But when we visit younger DS, DDIL and DGS (one year old), I do what I am permitted to do: cook sometimes, wash and put away the dishes, prune the roses, a bit of garden work, and not much else. If this DDIL asked me to do more, I would, gladly. In fact, I'd rather help with the house and DGS than do anything else when we're there. I don't need to sight-see or work on hobbies.

We do not stay with our children when we visit. We stay in a hotel/motel, as we like our privacy, and so do they. I learned from my parents' and in-laws' visits that things were much easier when they did not stay with us. A lot of the pressure was off. Is that a possibility, or would your folks be insulted?

When my mom comes to visit, she does the laundry, reorganizes my closets, plans my menus, does my gardening, and never ever sits still. Then, when my place is gleaming top to bottom, she goes to my grown childrens homes and cleans theirs the same way. My mom is 72 years old and still works full time. She refuses to quit, because she says if she slows down, she will die.

I used to stress about how hard she worked at my house, but then I learned just to let it go. I stopped feeling guilty about it, because she enjoys it. I just get a book and a glass of lemonade and enjoy having a mom to take care of me and mine for a while. She wont be around forever, and for older people, its important for them to feel needed.

Oh Kathline...Why can't your mother be my mother too? She's right about slowing down...keep moving is my 90 year old Father in law's motto. He still travels extensively, lives alone and has the constitution of an Ox. How I envy all of you who still have your parents. My wonderful father died a few years ago and my 77 year old mother is incapacitated and very ornary (because she has to depend on people for everything) So enjoy your parents spoiling you and doing for you. It all ends too soon.

Cindy,

Everything in Kathline's life is absolutely absolutely perfect, except her stephcildren and their mother.

KK,
I don't know how long Kathline has been a step parent..as I said, I'm pretty new here. But in my experience as a stepmom, I can say it took years for me to understand all the dynamics that were in play and it took years for my own personal growth and maturity to be able to look at my husbands children with the same parental eye that I have for my own. It's still a work in progress but even with all of the problems we've afflicted onto one another we have ALL grown up and accepted not only the situation, but each other as FAMILY. One day, I just let go (and this forum helped me do it) and the acceptance just seemed to arrive. I stopped trying to make everyone into one big happy family and chose to accept each and every child (including my own) for who they were and where they were. I don't know what your situation is KK, but I can tell you it takes time and maturity to get from one emotional place to the next. I may complain at times (coming from a whole different value system) but I wouldn't trade my life or any of my children, step or biological for anything in this world. Because all of them and all of the experiences I've had because of the situation helped me be better than I was before. So my hope is that Kathline is in the same place striving one day to the next to get to the place of acceptance and that whatever things are written here are just pent up frustrations...you know when things are pent up they tend to come out stronger than intended...I would like to give her the room for being human like the rest of us. That's how I see it anyway.

I love my mom to death and wouldn't know what to do if I lost her. But there are 2 truths about her that my siblings and I can agree on:

1. She is a very utilitarian mother. We had everything we needed as far as food, clothing and shelter (mostly provided by our dad). Beyond that.....forget it. Come to my soccer game? Nope. She stayed in the car and read a book. Hugs and kisses when I was sad? Nope. We were told to get over it. Lunch on the day I "became a woman"? Nope. She said "stick a cork in it". LOL! Like I said....very utilitarian.

2. No matter who's house she's at, she is the "woman of the house" and Heaven help anyone else who tries to be. My parents moved into my apartment for a little over a year a few years ago. She quickly took over. This was a 2 bedroom and a small one at that. She would talk on the phone (on her cell) in the living room and get mad at us when we were making too much noise (why couldn't she go in their room?). She would get angry with me if I asked her to pick up her trash (not a very clean person). She even tried to give me a curfew! I was 27 years old!

So.....Mom1, I can totally empathize with you. I love my mom, but she can be a bit much sometimes.

I totally understand what OP is saying. it would drive me nuts.

my mom barely has time for her own house and she was never the type to do my housework. I am greatful for that. i hope when she stops working, she still would not do my housework. I never want my mom to be my housekeeper. i want her to enjoy life.

kathline? she does not work, so why would her mom needs to do her housework when she visist is beyond me. i assume when woman stays home everything is done in the house.

Some mothers CAN drive you to drinking. Mine (long gone now) tried to manage everything in my life, including how I raised my children to my finances. She would just insist that I not cook although I always cooked dinner for my family every day. Thankfully we lived several hours apart but when she would visit for a week she would push all my buttons. That was just her nature and I had trouble dealing with it. My children don't have that problem with me. The rare times I visit them I am very content holding the babies and relaxing. My DD's MIL however insist on doing her laundry right down to the underwear, which my daughter hates. She's gotten to where she makes sure all laundry is done before MIL gets there. I think it's so much easier for someone to stay in their routine than for someone to come in and insist on doing things themselves. At least for me it was. When the time came for DM to not be able to take care of herself we had no option but to put her in a nursing home because she would have driven me or my brother absolutely insane if we had tried to take care of her in our home. Twice we hired someone to live in and take care of her and she would be so ornery they would leave. We hired a housekeeper but she wasn't having that either ~ she would do it herself, nevermind that she could hardly get around. So I totally understand where the OP is coming from.

My XMIL used to love doing our laundry without asking. i would just turn around and she is right there by the laundry machine! I love XMIL and we still keep in touch but it annoyed me so much! my mom would not do that unless of course I am ill and ask her for help. I hate when people touch my laundry, i am a bit obsessed with clothes and everything needs to be washed or hung or folded in a specific my own way. now I would not mind if someone would cook for me, that I do not object. :)

AH! i wish my mother was still alive to do that for me. I would love to have my mom come over and help me clean! Especially now that xmas is over there is a TON of things to do! like laundry, washign and sweeping..and all the new toys..where do i put them! this place gets smaller and smaller every year! .and yes..the clutter has reproduced! I swear, i wake up and find new things...they breed when i am not looking! ehehehahha..
I know mom can drive you nuts but be glad she was there and is still there and she is welcome to come over to my place and just chuck things out! lol.:) Including the dust balls my cat produces! he sheds ALL the TIME! rrrrrr...razor anyone?