What a nice dilema to have! I think it is wonderful that you have a child who would like to choose some type of title for you. I think it would be a great idea for the two of you to sit down and think about another title for you that you both can agree on. I see it as only making the bonder more special for the both of you.

Given what you described about the ex, it would certainly appear that the child has some attachment anxieties from his mom's relationships. There is nothing you can do about that and I would suspect that is what is driving you crazy - you may be constantly trying to pick up the pieces of some elses mess.

I think you are right on the mark about his mom's relationships with other people. He is learning that if you make a mistake than you can easily be discarded. My only suggestion is to make sure that when he does "mess up" that the discipline is done in a loving way and that he is not wondering if he is going to be discarded.

Good luck to you!

"I think I'm up against a long history of women being booted out of A__'s life"

This is so true. Anytime you get involved with someone that has a child, you have to consider the history and dynamics that are involved. Every situation is different and different people sometimes handle the same situation differently, so it's hard when there are trust issues (with the kids). We all build up defense mechanisms when we are hurt. An 8 year old is still young enough to see that it can be different, with understanding, patience and effort. When you get to a teenager or adult child that has been hurt for many years, it can be much harder.

Children can also learn to be very manipulative. When I met my husband, his daughter was very sweet. But one day, when he wasn't around, she came up to me and said in a sly voice, Deanna was kissing my daddy. (almost taunting me) and I told her, "that's nice dear" and ignored it. He had told me about it, when his car broke down, she gave him a ride to his house. She always gives a hug & kiss on cheek when she leaves. It didn't bother me at all. But SD had sure found out how to push buttons when she was only 5 years old.

Perhaps he's just found a way to annoy you so he jumps all over it. I think if he stopped doing it when you ignored it, I would just ignore it and not mention it to him again.

and as far as names go, some of my kids had a problem with my new SD calling my dad "grandpa" or my sister "aunt" but to me, it's just a name. I agree with my dad, if it makes her feel more like a part of the family to use those titles, then it's not harming anyone. He may use "auntie" so he doesn't upset mommy by using a variation of mom. I don't see it as a big deal, although a lot of bio mom's have a huge problem with it. My son called his step mom "Mama Lisa". I knew that he understood that I was his mom and she was his step mom. In my opinion, that has to do more with insecurity on the part of the mom that has a problem with it, rather than the harm it would do a child. Children care about being liked and loved, it's usually the parents that get hung up on the titles.

I know it's a lucky problem to have! And that's why I've been trying to look at the bright side of that he wants to use some term of endearment for me, and try to put aside that the term "auntie" bugs me when used for someone who is not an aunt by blood or by marriage. I like that he's trying to find a niche for me, I just wish it was a term that didn't annoy me!

Ima, you're so right about the button pushing! A__ did something like that too: J__ and I have known each other a long time before we started dating and were lightly involved for a few months before we really started "going steady". During this time, we were both occasionally going on other dates. A__ told me awhile back "Do you know my dad cheated on you?" "Oh, why do you think that?" "Because he went out on a date with another girl last winter." "That was before dad and I decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, so he could go on dates with whoever he wanted." "Yeah but he went out for breakfast with a girl last week!" "Yup, I know he did. She's just his friend, so that's OK with me!"
That sure took the wind out of those sails!!

I've also been trying to do what Starr mentioned about discipline in a loving way. Right now, I don't do too much of the discipline, his dad does most of it... But when I have a role in it, I try to make it clear that once it's done, it's done and totally over. My BF usually sends him to the bedroom for bad behavior, with the rule that when he admits what he has done and is willing to apologize for it, he can come out (this takes anywhere from 2 minutes to 3 hours!). So, when the apology is to come to me, I make sure to accept his apology with a hug and an "I love you", and then get back to life as usual, leaving the previous incident behind.
I've also asked my BF not to tell A__ things like "If you do that, you're going back to Mom's early" or "You're too loud, and I'm going to take you to Grandma's if you don't quiet down" because I want him to feel more structured and secure with us.

This is sort of a side topic, but still along the same lines:
I've also been trying to use "surprise rewards" for good behavior, to encourage him to not "mess up" in the first place. For example, he did his homework without being asked on Saturday morning, and then was really good when we went out for lunch (usually he's trying to run around the restaurant and crying that we don't love him because we said "milk instead of pop"), so we surprised him with a stop at my lab to look at things under the microscope and see the dinosaurs bones in the atrium of the building. He was absolutely great for the rest of the weekend!
Or, a few weeks ago, he was really good when we went to the grocery store (usually he tries to sneak things into the cart and/or tries to run away and hide) so we asked if he would like choose that night's dessert because he was so patient, asked so politely for the things he wanted and didn't cry if got a 'no'. He was great that night during dinner and even took his own plate to the kitchen without being asked afterward (a true rarity!)
I'm also trying to get my BF to focus more on positive things "Thank you for turning the volume down the first time I asked" or "Thank you for brushing your teeth without being asked".
I don't want to give him the false impression that you should get a treat every time you do something good, or bribe him to behave himself, but I want him to see that we're acknowledging good behavior. The goal of a few "surprise rewards" and focusing on the positive is that I want to show him that you don't have act up to get noticed... and I guess that's part of my goal of making a secure place for him with us - that we notice when he's "good" and obviously we like that best, but that he's not going to be discarded for being "bad" and we love him anyways.
It's an uphill battle, to say the least!

What would you prefer he call you? Aside from striking Auntie?

I'm going through something similar, where I'm actually not comfortable with him calling me just by my first name. He's pretty young and I'd like for him to have some sort of name for me. I'm not his mommy, so i dont want that at all. but he's called me momma a few times on his own... not sure if she'd freak over that.

What do most SM's end up being called?

As for the attachment issues, I think you should just reinforce that you are there for him no matter what, find different ways of showing him.

Personally, I'd prefer just my name or some version of it... but since he seems to prefer some sort of title, I'd be OK with "aunt" in some other language (it's Zia in Italian, Tia in Portuguese, I think it's Aawis in Ojibwe, Nikawis is a Cree word that can mean aunt, mother-in-law, godmother and stepmother)
Basically, anything that isn't "aunt" or "auntie" but keeps the meaning he's looking for would be fine. I still would prefer just my name, but even if he would rather drop my name entirely and just call me Nikawis or Tia, I could live with that!
I know it's weird, but I hate when people call people who are not their aunts or uncles by those names and I always have. The aunt in another language thing is even a reach for me, but I'm trying to compromise and see where A__ is coming from!

Does your fiance come from any particular cultural background? It might be nice to find a "pet name" in the language of his ancestors and have your SS call you that.

Yea,

There are a lot of Zia's in my family. I guess, auntie to me always sounded so far removed when you're acting as a "mother figure"...(don't want to get pounced on by any BMs). But culturally, you do call most of the women Mother So-and-so, as a sign of respect. In my SO's culture as well. I've asked him his thoughts and he's said he's open... but he's never suggested or implied anything... I'm starting to wonder if he just wants to avoid it so as not to have any additional drama with BM.

In some cultures, every close adult is called Uncle or Auntie as a token of affection and respect. Is he or his mother from such a culture?

Another possibility that comes to mind is BioMom's hot & cold friendships. When she's really close to someone, is that person always around? Like a sister? Where BioMom probably encourages A__ to call the best-friend-of-the-moment 'Auntie'?

In the South, there's an old custom of calling people 'Miss Callie', which I find rather charming, and a nice alternative to young children calling adults by their first names. Would that work for you?

Of course, I also like your Aunt-in-another-language alternative, but wonder how that might morph if you were to become his stepmother some day.

As to the teasing aspect, I'd tease his right back! Call him 'Uncle Albert!' of something silly along the same vein. Something he won't particularly like, but that doesn't cross the line into derrogatory. I bet that nips it in the bud...

Could be that he's hoping to keep the drama down, or it could be that it's not something he sees as important. My BF is baffled by that I don't like the term "aunt" for me from A__. Since he doesn't get it, he wasn't exactly a fountain of suggestions for what to do about it.

Haha, no, not a cultural thing for him. He's part Aboriginal, but his mom doesn't encourage him to be part of that. She's not really one for cultural traditions and said "getting to know your history is a waste of time" when a friend was talking about his trip to Hungary to see his culture of origin.

Your idea about the hot/cold friendships might be on the right track though. Auntie Jamie is actually his mom's sister, but he did mention awhile back that his mom said he should stop calling someone "auntie" now because they weren't friends with mom anymore. (The someone is a friend of my BF's too, the one he went for breakfast with, so that's why it was mentioned to us).

If A__ wanted to go with Miss Callie, that would be OK, but it's not one I would suggest. I also find it very charming, but it's what the kids I do science outreach with call me...

The Zia or Nikawis could b a weird transition... but probably less weird than if he keeps calling me Aunt!

Hmm, you might be onto something with the Uncle thing... Maybe I'll call him "Nephew A__" and see what that does.

Good gravy!
I just got off the phone with my BF, who received a cranky phone call from his ex. I'm not sure why she's mad (my BF couldn't figure it out) but here's what she was mad about:
Apparently, A__ told BM that it was OK that Auntie Jamie wasn't his auntie anymore and that she didn't need to get him any new aunties because "Auntie Callie is the best auntie I ever had and she loves me more than my other aunties do"...

It's good that A__ knows he's loved, but I see this somehow coming back to bite me on the a$$!

I can sort of understand your reluctance to be titled "Auntie", but here it is a courtesy title given to older women who are either aunts by birth or marriage, or with whom you have a closer relationship than just good friends and who it would be inappropriate to call just by their first name. For instance, a dear friend of mine has an elderly Aunt who I would be VERY uncomfortable calling by her first name, but to whom I am closer than calling her "Mrs ---------". So, we are both happy for me to call her "Auntie --------".
Perhaps your BF's son feels uncomfortable about calling you just "Callie". Also, since his mother apparently encourages him to call her close friends "auntie", to your BF's son's mind he is according you the status of close friend by calling you Auntie.
In a calm moment you should brainstorm together to find a mutually acceptable nickname. Even maybe one which doesn't mean "aunt" and may not even include your name.

"It's good that A__ knows he's loved, but I see this somehow coming back to bite me on the a$$!"

Sure could...
It was only after my then-4 year old son told his father how much he loved his "new Daddy" (HIS term, not mine) that BioDad started bashing him. He damaged the relationship permanently.

You might want to have a little talk with A__ and explain to him that while you DO love him very much and you hope he loves you too, that sometimes other people get jealous or their feelings get hurt, so it probably wouldn't be a good idea for him to talk to his mom about how much he likes you. A not-too-enthusiastic "She's nice" would be the best answer for him to give mom.

That's a hard one, Sweeby. The not so enthusiastic answer is going to be the easiest one for mom to hear, but why should the child have to lie or hide part of their life to placate a parent? This feeds into one of my biggest adult pet peeves - those that can't put their own insecurities and jealousies aside for the sake of their child and be an adult. It would be the hardest thing in the world for me to hear that my son's had another "mommy" they loved, but I would make myself see it from their eyes - they are lucky to have another woman to love and care for them. They should not have to deny that for the sake of my feelings.

Now there are the times where one mommy can be thrown in the face of the other mommy to intentionally hurt them, and I am in no way okay with that. There is a difference between "I'm so happy to have *Martha* in my life because she truly cares for me" and "It's a good thing I have *Martha* since she loves me so much more than you do."
Honest emotion should be freely allowed IMHO, but painful comparisions should not.

I agree with you Martha -- But A__'s BioMom apparantly does not. And asking her to 'grow up' and accept that it's for the best for A__ to have a close and loving relationship with Callie may be more than she's capable of. Sadly.

My son is 'allowed' to love his stepmother, but apparantly, not his stepfather.

From what my BF has said, and from what I have observed, A__'s mom usually wants what's best for him... But sometimes what's best for him has to be pointed out to her. His basic needs are always met and he's well cared for, but I've noticed that she sometimes confuses "What's best for him" with "What she wants"...
An example:
A few weeks ago, she had some plans several evenings in a row (I think one was work and two were social) and devised a bizarre and elaborate A__ care schedule where he was at three places each day (Mom's, Dad's, Papa's, Grandma's)...
The reasons for the elaborate swapping scheme included things like that she wanted J__ to change her car battery in the parking lot during A__'s soccer game (so he should pick A__ up from school and take him to soccer), but J__ was on call that night, so couldn't keep A__ for the overnight (so he should sleep at Papa's)
Grandma (BM's mom) pointed out that this was a lot of traveling for A__ and perhaps it would be better to change to just one change each day, so whoever picks him up from school is where he stays that night.
Once someone pointed out that this was going to make for a tired and cranky A__ with little consistency to his week, she said ok and went with the revised plan...

So she DOES want what's best for him, she just seems to think that "what's best for A__" = "what's easiest for her"... So J__ might have to point out that it's good that A__ and are getting pretty tight, but I think she'll be more-or-less OK with it if he does (he had to point out that it was important for A__ to spend time with Papa, and then she came around to the idea, so I'm banking on that.

As BM problems go, I have it pretty easy! No drug addictions, no taking J__ to court all the time, no not feeding A__ because she had no dishes... Just some immaturity and occasional crabbiness - nothing I can't live with.