my fiance has 3kids from 2 diff women

12 years ago

im 26 single/no baggage. my fiance is 39. wedding day will be on december of next year. We have been in a long distance relationship for over a year now. He usually visits me every 3months.WE talk over the phone every day! literally.

At first, he has not been man enough to tell me about his past. We were i guess in our 3rd month when he told me about his kids & complicated past (1st wife : 12 yrs old & 8 yrs old, 2nd wife : 4 yrs old) One more thing! just recently, I have known that one of his ex girlfriends filed restraining order back 2005.

Now, here's the catch. I have just seen some pictures of his 1st wife! My i thought-dutiful fiance was with her in that picture - hugging! & making some sweet gestures! plus this 1st wife is still using my fiance's surname for Gdsakes! even his 2nd wife! still uses his surname!

I have confronted my fiance about this , of cours the usual stories/excuses one can use just to get out of the trouble. Im so in pain right now. I have given evrything even resigned my job & dedicated my time for him & for our relationship.

Is it really worth to give my whole life with this man?

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Comments (13)

silversword
12 years ago
It's the woman's right to keep her married name. He can't do anything about that. Other than that....

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet. Walk out the door and don't look back.
catlettuce
12 years ago
Run don't walk away from him..

Best to you. Don't settle for him.

~Cat
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At present, there is no room for me in your life, that space continues to be occupied by the love of your life. I feel like an interloper as I lay here on a bed frame with the love of your life's name written on it. SD mentioned today that her New Years wish is for you to smile all day and be happy. I think right now we are working so hard to be happy, it is causing us to get sick and tired. I am being kept awake projectile vomiting and probably can't go to work tomorrow. I love you and want to stress that I have never loved someone so fully. We however met under unfortunate circumstances and poor timing. I want you to be happy and I cannot do that for you. I am adding complexity to an already complex situation. My self-esteem is also crumbling under these conditions because while I know that is not your intent, I feel second best. I want to have firsts with the man I marry. 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imamommy
12 years ago
Honestly doesn't sound as if anyone is walking/running from this guy... the wedding is scheduled for next December!

Long distance relationships are good for guys that don't want to share all the details of their life.. including ex wives & kids. To me, it sounds as if you don't have much trust in him. Why would you want to marry someone you can't trust? Second, it sounds immature/insecure to get upset or worked up over the first wives keeping their married name. I'd be more concerned that he's 39 & has two ex wives! or is it all the ex wife's fault the marriage didn't work out?
celinegomez
Original Author
12 years ago
Thank you guys for posting. Its just hard for me to decide since i have been seeing red flags. Its hard to fight my own emotion. I really love this guy. He will even get out of his comfort zone for us to have enough money for the wedding. It seems like his efforts are now greater than hs lies and his complicated past. But i dont want to end up like other girls out there who regret mrrying Man with baggages. :( such a mental emotional tug of war.
parent_of_one
12 years ago
3 children with 2 wives is not a big deal. Well, he was married twice, so it happens. They kept names so what, I kept mine too.

Now everything else is a big deal: lied to you for 3 months??? you only saw him every 3 months? restraining order against him? you resigned from your job??? for a guy you barely know? RUN
sylviatexas1
12 years ago
"I really love this guy."

We always do.

Men are addictive.
like drugs.

The longer we're around a man, the less it matters if he's a decent person or not:
the longer we're around him, the more we will accept the unacceptable & believe the unbelieveable, *& it's always disastrous for us*.

Had someone walked up to you & said,
"Hi, there, you seem like a nice person.
I've been married twice & I have 3 children & one of my wives took out a restraining order against me.
Wanna go out?"

you'd have picked up your jaw off the sidewalk, laughed hysterically, & sent him on his way.

& your smarter self realizes this.

To think clearly, unfogged by love & all its trickery & your boyfriend & all his trickery, you need to "get clean".

Call a timeout for *at least* a month.

no visits, no calls, no presents, no emails, nothing.
Don't go to the places you 2 went, don't stop at the fragrance counter & sniff his cologne, don't listen to "our song".

The guy misled you until he figured you're so smitten that he can tell you the truth now & you'll stay with thim anyway.

He's shown bad faith from the time he met you;
he conned you,
he fooled you,
& *it never was about caring for you or loving you;
it was about how he could get you to act in his best interests & against yours*.

I wish you the best.
yabber
12 years ago
The way you say 'But I love him' it sounds like an excuse. Like it's out of your control and therefore you are somehow less accountable. "You couldn't help it, you had to marry him, even though you knew he was trouble, because YOU LOVE HIM."

It's a lame excuse, not good enough! You ARE accountable for your own actions, you KNOW he's not a great catch, you WANT him to be the right one.

I'm guessing that you just don't want to be alone, you don't want to miss out. Do you worry you might end up single for the rest of your life? Do you feel scared to miss this opportunity, what if this is the one and you might miss out? You want to settle down but sometimes these things don't go to plan. You might stay single for another couple of years before you meet a decent guy. Oh well, so what??

It sounds like you have low self esteem, THAT is what you need to work on, invest time and energy in yourself first, become stronger and more happy, then see if this guy still meets YOUR needs and wants. I bet he won't.

And why have you quit jour job? I don't understand, isn't it long distance relationship?
kkny
12 years ago
Using Xs name -- no big deal.

Everything else, run. run fast.
lovehadley
12 years ago
"Everything else, run. run fast."

Ditto KKNY. (and everyone else.)
celinegomez
Original Author
12 years ago
guess, i have to postpone the wedding. Thank you guys for letting me see the real side of the situation. got a lot of time thinking. deciding. If he really loves me, he can wait.
I know its so stupid to expect that he would. whew!
You are right there sylviatexas. I dont knw why am i so pissed everytime i see his exs using his surname, maybe its bc of my culture. Thanks gys so now, i got to set aside my culture wit that one.

@yebber : yes maybe i have compromised myself. I really feel bad about it. Giving up everything for him & yet he still lied.

Guys, actually, I just had my miscarriage just a week ago. baby was 6 weeks. The guy traveled 14 hours just to take care of me. it was kinda surprising & touching at the same time. Now, he seems making up to me. I dont know, may be he felt that he is in the loosing ends right now or maybe he was too complacent before. He was crying when he talked/confessed about his lies. I hope he is really telling the truth now. I know i sound like im giving him a chance. Yes. i think I am. but not the chance to hijack me again. You know what , i felt relieved when i lost my baby. dont gt me wrong guys, it was painful however im not yet really ready.

ow my. thank you guys. you are all such great help.
silversword
12 years ago
No, girl... you're normal! I get pissed when I see DH's x-wife still uses his name. It's one of the reasons I DIDN'T take his name when we got married.

I'm sorry about the miscarriage. You're normal there too. Sometimes it's not the right time to have a baby and your body takes care of you. I'm of the personal opinion that when that happens it's a no harm-no foul, the soul is still there for you. You get that baby the next time around.

I'm glad he was there for you. He SHOULD be there for you though, that shouldn't be an out of character event, you know? The guy you want to marry and spend your time, money, energy, love on will be there for you no matter what.
sylviatexas1
12 years ago
"you get that baby the next time around"

no matter who the other parent is!
lovehadley
12 years ago
I like that idea, Silver and Sylvia. :)

I had an early miscarriage last December (actually a year ago yesterday) and this is really nice to hear.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. Take as much time for yourself as you need, be GENTLE and KIND to yourself. (((HUGS)))

my fiance has 3kids from 2 diff women

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