my fiance has 3kids from 2 diff women

13 years ago

im 26 single/no baggage. my fiance is 39. wedding day will be on december of next year. We have been in a long distance relationship for over a year now. He usually visits me every 3months.WE talk over the phone every day! literally.

At first, he has not been man enough to tell me about his past. We were i guess in our 3rd month when he told me about his kids & complicated past (1st wife : 12 yrs old & 8 yrs old, 2nd wife : 4 yrs old) One more thing! just recently, I have known that one of his ex girlfriends filed restraining order back 2005.

Now, here's the catch. I have just seen some pictures of his 1st wife! My i thought-dutiful fiance was with her in that picture - hugging! & making some sweet gestures! plus this 1st wife is still using my fiance's surname for Gdsakes! even his 2nd wife! still uses his surname!

I have confronted my fiance about this , of cours the usual stories/excuses one can use just to get out of the trouble. Im so in pain right now. I have given evrything even resigned my job & dedicated my time for him & for our relationship.

Is it really worth to give my whole life with this man?

Comments (13)

silversword
13 years ago
It's the woman's right to keep her married name. He can't do anything about that. Other than that....

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet. Walk out the door and don't look back.
catlettuce
13 years ago
Run don't walk away from him..

Best to you. Don't settle for him.

~Cat
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Dear mkroopy, Thank you again for your time and response. Much much appreciated. I would like to start off, by giving you some more info! Which is definitely why I can identify and feel like you did in your past relationship. Which is that I have wasted about 3 yrz time trying to amend and fix and show my commitment to him, but really it was my guilt allowing him to behave 'not o.k.' i.e. coming home every night at 9:30pm saying its all work, never giving me access to see or read any of his e-mail or cell(work cell so I have no access at all!). I thought bc he stayed, that he was going to forgive me and work on our marriage and we could get thru it, and save our marriage. What I now feel...is that he was just waiting it out. I have to confess that I probably didn't give enough info regarding my indiscretion and my ex. I was so angry that he finally said yes to therapy when he found out we went to coffee, and the lady therapist acted like I was the biggest liar and cheat and worst wife ever, that I said I would stop talking to him, but I did not. I saw my ex a week later, and intimacy (sort of) occurred. Sort of...bc he lasted about 30sec. I met for a few more lunches and two more attempted intimacy moments, and my husband found out we were still talking. And I believe thats when he felt 'betrayed'. This was all about 5 month time period. His wife found texts in his cell, and she sent me a message and he never contacted me again. Which also made me feel like a big fool...bc I should have never contacted him again, even tho I got caught bf anything happened and when it was just a "e-mail affair".....because my ex had no problem at all immediately dropping contact with me when his wife found out....so they are happy now. I don't know, I guess my point is that my husband was going to leave in Aug of '09, and then...he didn't, for whatever reason. Which again, I turned into...."Oh, he loves me and wants to save our marriage, and work thru this!" So I allowed his behavior and went back to school with 3 toddlers and got my RN degree and passed my state boards in April and he left in June. So that is the full story, just didn't want you to think I was completely innocent...just stupid. But....After all that being said....I still think your 1st post hits the nail exactly on the head of what he is feeling and what he is going thru! Not only that, but your completely right about stringing me along. I already feel like I have been strung along for 3 yrz....and now, my family is so pissed at me for allowing the behavior for 3 yrz and my friends think I am too nice when he comes to visit the kids (he visits mon, wed, fri, sat, sun). He is nice as pie to me here, and acts all sad and tortured and guilty.....but once he leaves.....he ignores me the entire week and feels no need to talk or communicate with me, and I constantly say to him....you cannot have it both ways. A hubby and family on te weekend, and bachelor single guy during the week! Which means you have lost nothing. And feels to me and all around me...like he is string me along and making sure I do not move one from him...just in case. I think he wants to make sure that he never feels like he will not be able to come back if he wants. You know? Some weekends, I have met him at the door with the kids, and said, "be back at 5pm", shut the door, and been indifferent. He hated that and looked like he was gonna kill me. But I feel I might have to do this again (i keep moving ahead, and then moving back sometimes). I know your probably sick of me rambling, but a man's opinion is something that I do not have:0) and appreciate your time and listening and response....sincerely. I know that feeling of wasting years with your ex is sooooo frustrating and must have made you so angry!! It feels horrible to look back and realize you gave and gave for not just months....but Years! It's amazing how people change, and how much we learn as we get older. I thank you again for all your help. Truly:o)
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imamommy
13 years ago
Honestly doesn't sound as if anyone is walking/running from this guy... the wedding is scheduled for next December!

Long distance relationships are good for guys that don't want to share all the details of their life.. including ex wives & kids. To me, it sounds as if you don't have much trust in him. Why would you want to marry someone you can't trust? Second, it sounds immature/insecure to get upset or worked up over the first wives keeping their married name. I'd be more concerned that he's 39 & has two ex wives! or is it all the ex wife's fault the marriage didn't work out?
celinegomez
Original Author
13 years ago
Thank you guys for posting. Its just hard for me to decide since i have been seeing red flags. Its hard to fight my own emotion. I really love this guy. He will even get out of his comfort zone for us to have enough money for the wedding. It seems like his efforts are now greater than hs lies and his complicated past. But i dont want to end up like other girls out there who regret mrrying Man with baggages. :( such a mental emotional tug of war.
parent_of_one
13 years ago
3 children with 2 wives is not a big deal. Well, he was married twice, so it happens. They kept names so what, I kept mine too.

Now everything else is a big deal: lied to you for 3 months??? you only saw him every 3 months? restraining order against him? you resigned from your job??? for a guy you barely know? RUN
sylviatexas1
13 years ago
"I really love this guy."

We always do.

Men are addictive.
like drugs.

The longer we're around a man, the less it matters if he's a decent person or not:
the longer we're around him, the more we will accept the unacceptable & believe the unbelieveable, *& it's always disastrous for us*.

Had someone walked up to you & said,
"Hi, there, you seem like a nice person.
I've been married twice & I have 3 children & one of my wives took out a restraining order against me.
Wanna go out?"

you'd have picked up your jaw off the sidewalk, laughed hysterically, & sent him on his way.

& your smarter self realizes this.

To think clearly, unfogged by love & all its trickery & your boyfriend & all his trickery, you need to "get clean".

Call a timeout for *at least* a month.

no visits, no calls, no presents, no emails, nothing.
Don't go to the places you 2 went, don't stop at the fragrance counter & sniff his cologne, don't listen to "our song".

The guy misled you until he figured you're so smitten that he can tell you the truth now & you'll stay with thim anyway.

He's shown bad faith from the time he met you;
he conned you,
he fooled you,
& *it never was about caring for you or loving you;
it was about how he could get you to act in his best interests & against yours*.

I wish you the best.
yabber
13 years ago
The way you say 'But I love him' it sounds like an excuse. Like it's out of your control and therefore you are somehow less accountable. "You couldn't help it, you had to marry him, even though you knew he was trouble, because YOU LOVE HIM."

It's a lame excuse, not good enough! You ARE accountable for your own actions, you KNOW he's not a great catch, you WANT him to be the right one.

I'm guessing that you just don't want to be alone, you don't want to miss out. Do you worry you might end up single for the rest of your life? Do you feel scared to miss this opportunity, what if this is the one and you might miss out? You want to settle down but sometimes these things don't go to plan. You might stay single for another couple of years before you meet a decent guy. Oh well, so what??

It sounds like you have low self esteem, THAT is what you need to work on, invest time and energy in yourself first, become stronger and more happy, then see if this guy still meets YOUR needs and wants. I bet he won't.

And why have you quit jour job? I don't understand, isn't it long distance relationship?
kkny
13 years ago
Using Xs name -- no big deal.

Everything else, run. run fast.
lovehadley
13 years ago
"Everything else, run. run fast."

Ditto KKNY. (and everyone else.)
celinegomez
Original Author
13 years ago
guess, i have to postpone the wedding. Thank you guys for letting me see the real side of the situation. got a lot of time thinking. deciding. If he really loves me, he can wait.
I know its so stupid to expect that he would. whew!
You are right there sylviatexas. I dont knw why am i so pissed everytime i see his exs using his surname, maybe its bc of my culture. Thanks gys so now, i got to set aside my culture wit that one.

@yebber : yes maybe i have compromised myself. I really feel bad about it. Giving up everything for him & yet he still lied.

Guys, actually, I just had my miscarriage just a week ago. baby was 6 weeks. The guy traveled 14 hours just to take care of me. it was kinda surprising & touching at the same time. Now, he seems making up to me. I dont know, may be he felt that he is in the loosing ends right now or maybe he was too complacent before. He was crying when he talked/confessed about his lies. I hope he is really telling the truth now. I know i sound like im giving him a chance. Yes. i think I am. but not the chance to hijack me again. You know what , i felt relieved when i lost my baby. dont gt me wrong guys, it was painful however im not yet really ready.

ow my. thank you guys. you are all such great help.
silversword
13 years ago
No, girl... you're normal! I get pissed when I see DH's x-wife still uses his name. It's one of the reasons I DIDN'T take his name when we got married.

I'm sorry about the miscarriage. You're normal there too. Sometimes it's not the right time to have a baby and your body takes care of you. I'm of the personal opinion that when that happens it's a no harm-no foul, the soul is still there for you. You get that baby the next time around.

I'm glad he was there for you. He SHOULD be there for you though, that shouldn't be an out of character event, you know? The guy you want to marry and spend your time, money, energy, love on will be there for you no matter what.
sylviatexas1
13 years ago
"you get that baby the next time around"

no matter who the other parent is!
lovehadley
13 years ago
I like that idea, Silver and Sylvia. :)

I had an early miscarriage last December (actually a year ago yesterday) and this is really nice to hear.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. Take as much time for yourself as you need, be GENTLE and KIND to yourself. (((HUGS)))

my fiance has 3kids from 2 diff women

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silversword

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