Bio- Mom doesnt like Nick-Name

23 years ago

HereÂs a little background:

My husband is the custodial parent of his two boys and they are my stepsons. They live with us and visit their bio mom during the summer and every other xmas. Their Mom is involved in their lives very little. Last year, she didnÂt call the boys one time. This year she has called them once in 6 months. She also doesnÂt pay her child support! She is continually badmouthing my husband and I to the kids. Which I donÂt understand why, SHE was the one cheating on my husband and SHE was the one who up and left him and the kids for another man. I tried to be nice to her in the beginning, now I donÂt say anything to her B/c she is so rude to my husband and me. The kids recently came up with a nickname for me ÂMum, and they have been calling me for about 6-8 months.

Well this Christmas the boys are with the bio mom and the first time we called the boys while they were there the younger one asks my husband if he could talk to Mum, ( I think she heard him ask my husband to talk to Mum) so he hands me the phone and I talked to him-everything seemed fine. Then we called them like two days later and he wouldnÂt talk to me, but the older one did. Then we called on Christmas and we talk to the older son and then my husband was talking to the younger son and says do you want to talk to Mum? He says oh no and hesitated and then says yes, let me talk to (he starts to say Mum then says my first name). So I get on the phone and he says hi (Mmmm then my first name) I know their mom yelled at them for calling me Mum. She has the younger one scared. I am really mad, she canÂt control what they call me, and alls sheÂs doing is hurting the kids and confusing them.

I have had it with the bio mom. I am the one raising those kids and doing everything for them. I want to confront her, but I donÂt know what to say. She cant keep doing this to the kids they are probably so confused now. I donÂt see what the big deal is for them calling me Mum. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation?

Please help!

Thanks

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Comments (4)

hopdrop5
23 years ago
Britiezz: Dealing with the biomom may end up causing you more frustration than it's worth. Keep in mind that anyone who can produce and birth these boys and then not call for six months isn't dealing with a full deck anyhow. She doesn't think like you, or behave like you, so your expectations will never, ever be met. I am, however, in your court completely. I think that if you have it out with biomom, it'll just make matters worse; for you and for the kids. I would speak directly with the children. You didn't mention how old they are, but it seems that they can make the choice, and if they came up with Mum on their own, and that's what they're comfortable calling you, then tell them it's okay to call you that. You might even reiterate that you're not trying to replace their mom, but more that you want them to be comfortable with you and the relationship. This way you seem sympathetic to the psycho, and sympathetic to their conundrum. Eventually they'll see that you're the wiser of the two and will follow your lead. You may eventually find them patronizing their biomom, but that's all it will be; patronizing, and how insulting is that? I had one blow out with biomom, and one only. She announced to her daughter that she was going to jail, just like that, no warning, now conversation with dad to assure that all would be okay, no nothing. She told SD when the next hearing was to take place, but never called to update my SD. Never called to tell her how long she'd be "away", or anything. SD was 9 at the time, so old enough to look at a calendar and know when the court date was scheduled, and old enough to obsess about the unknowns. I called her mom after two months of trying to field SD's questions and obsessions and told her that she needed to be more forthcoming with her daughter. Her mom said that her boyfriend will call SD at some point to fill in the details. I explained that it wasn't her boyfriend's responsibility, or my responsibility, or dad's responsibility, but it was hers. Well, she got real angry and said a whole bunch of stuff and hung up. We haven't spoken since and I'm fine with that. I know she's nuts and I know how frustrated I get just thinking about this woman producing children, I also know how frustrated I'd get just talking to her, so, it's not worth it. Don't even deal with biomom. She's obviously horribly immature and self-centered. I'm curious as to whether or not she even asked the kids how they felt about it...
RosieL
23 years ago
No matter what they call you ... you are the one they wanted to speak to. Let go of feeling threatened by this lame excuse for a Mother. The kids REALLY know who loves them... and who they love. She is the one feeling threatened and trying to pass on her hurt. Don't let it affect you. You ARE their MUM. You've done something totally right to have these children feel so close to you. Keep on being who you are and the love will flow and grow... despite the evil one. I can never ever understand a woman that doesn't fight tooth and nail for her children. If I was in the situation of not being able to be there every single day for my children ....I know I would die. This woman took off. What does that say for her? You are going to let this type of scum affect you? Stand up tall and proud because you are the ONE!!! She can't hurt you. She can make them act a certain way in her presence, but she can't change the way they feel about you. I honor you as a wonderful woman to care so much about your relationship with YOUR sons.
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If she hasn't completed the court-ordered parenting classes & education about autism, is that not something like contempt of court? I'm sure some of the wise women here who've experienced legal entanglements will know more, but I can at least recommend that you document, document, document; keep a diary, & record every communication, every time she's supposed to be there & isn't (or cancels), etc. Also, print out those facebook posts. Meanwhile, it doesn't sound like she's been around enough for him to wonder why he isn't with her. He might just as easily ask why he isn't with the postman or the Sunday school teacher. If he were to say something, I think I'd practice the age-old parental strategy of distraction. "Oh, I dunno, honey...Hey, look, there's a squirrel in the back yard!"
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Briteiiz
Original Author
23 years ago
Wow! Thank you Rosie.
missy2
23 years ago
I would allow the boys to call you by your first name while they are at their bio-moms for the holiday. The boys are in an uncomfortable situation. They realize how important you are in their lives and would not purposely hurt your feelings. The bio-mom is threatened by the bond they have formed with you. Do not stoop to her level in the eyes of the boys. When you speak with them on the phone be sure to convey how much you miss and love them. The bio-mom knows she has not fulfilled her role as mom or mum.

Bio- Mom doesnt like Nick-Name

Comments (4)

hopdrop5

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