How to help your sc when bio mom was abusive

15 years ago

I will make a long story short my stepson is the sweetest 9yr old. I love him like I do my two kids. He came to live with us a month and a half ago. I am having a hard time on what to tell him or say when he tells me bio mom doesn't love or want him. This women was horrible to him. I am all about my kids and he sees the difference i am afraid that him seeing it is hurting him more! I don't know what to do. He doesn't need anymore trauma then he has already been thru. Any advice?

Comments (9)

catlettuce
15 years ago
Aww poor baby!! That is heartbreaking!

I would probably tell him, "I'm sure your mommy loves you very much & your Daddy & I love you so much and we are SO happy your are with us!"

I'm sure you already know counseling would be a great idea for this little guy..
justnotmartha
15 years ago
when you say 'all about your kids' do you mean YOUR 2 kids, our the three of them? I don't understand if you mean your being all about him is painful because it points out his mother was not, or are you just all about your two kids and he feels like the outsider?
Related Discussions
Update and Bio Mom Drama....sigh
Q
Comments (13)
i agree with the posters above...supervised visitation ONLY!! it exists for a reason. also, pull out your calendar and start documenting everything-get copies of the phone bills, cell phone statements, any money that changed hands, when BM called, came over, took the kiddos, anything you can remember and start keeping a journal. also, if you guys are in the habit of texting, type them out and keep a file of them (some cell phone companies can print them off for you, but i think there's a time limit, like only the ones from the past 30 days or so.) keep audio recordings of any voicemails and print off your emails. i've discovered that attorneys and judges love paperwork-and any work you can save your attorney from doing is money saved. also, i would buy a little digital recorder that can be put in your pocket and keep it handy, in your purse or whatever, and record any exchanges of the kids, any more encounters with the ahole boyfriend, etc. if it were me i'd have the cops on the phone the minute he sets foot on your driveway-should he have the balls to show up again. the police are there for a reason. and fill in the school FOR SURE!! you can't be too careful. a judge may grant you emergency temporary custody...probably worth checking into. the one nice thing about the parents that choose to show up three or four times a year (especially if they have a shady past or are participating in stuff that's not completely on the up and up, like drugs, etc.) is that they hate being in the courtroom. she may not even show up and they you'd get custody by default. also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe. hope that helps!! good luck!!
...See More
My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mom
Q
Comments (12)
Custody and access are two seperate things. BD has always had joint custody. It's called joint conservators. He has not always had access. He had supervised access. Joint conservatorship basically means we both have exclusive rights and duties to the child. I have two exclusive rights he does not have. The right to designate residence and the right to make educational decisions. We both have the right to seek medical treatment, provide shelter, food and clothing; the right to inform the other conservator of any info concerning health, welfare and education. We both have the right to religious guidance. He has a duty I do not have and that is to provide child support payments in X amount per month. As far as access it's about 60/40 now. It's called expanded standard possession. He has set weekends and days of the week, we split spring break, christmas and thanksgiving. He has superior rights to designate his access during the summer. My access is all other times not outlined as his possession time. Sole custody is extremely hard to get. Even with all of the mess we have been through, bd has always been a joint conservator he just had limited Access for a while. If I had sole custody I would not have to tell him anything about health, school etc. He would not be able to confer with the school. Even with limited access he still had a right to speak to teachers or to get medical records. With expanded standard possession during the school year, on a month with 30 days, Bd has 12 days, I have 18 days. During the summer he averages about 40 total days and I average about 46 give or take a few during a summer break of about 88 days. That almost 50:50 during the summer. Does that make sense?
...See More
step mom vs bio mom (I was the only mom for some time)
Q
Comments (8)
I completely understand your jealousy with bm now being involved and the kids acting like bm was never gone. My skids bm has been in and out of their lives for years and each time she called or saw them they acted like she was so wonderful and was mom of the year. Nevermind that it would be months till the next call....or that her boyfriend would be drunk the whole time the kids were there...or that bm would just sit them in front of the tv all day and the kids heard "noises" coming from bm's room during the day when the door was closed (afternoon quickie perhaps??). Anyways it would upset me so much down deep to hear them say anything good about her because all I could think about was the bad!! And how much time and energy I was putting forth to do the motherly things she did not do. It just about killed me for her to get any credit! There is no easy was to deal with those feelings. You just have to let them go somehow. Realize that the kids love you both. And she gets it easier because she is the bm....she has their unconditional love. And they will put the absent parent on a pedestal and hang on every good thing that parent does. But when they are grown they will have so many more memories with you and remember all the things you did for them. When they have their own kids they will remember talks you had with them and things you did. As for her babying them, well you can't change it. Just keep on with your normal routines at home and they will soon see that they can do XYZ at their moms house and they have to do XYZ when they are at home. But look at the bright side. They are getting to see their sober mom and have a relationship with her, which is better for them in the long run that having her absent and them blaming themselves for it. And if she spends the whole day playing with them be greatful....she could be spending the whole day sleeping and letting them do god knows what! OR she could be having boyfriends over all day.
...See More
Bio-Moms
Q
Comments (11)
P. from the previous comment, if I were you, I would take the advice that you should have empathy for the children's mother. I would also not get caught dead in the comparison trap; if she has fallen into it, that's her issue, but don't even go there, you are comparing her best to your worst, and this goes with any kind of comparison. Seriously toss everything else! That comment has touched a couple of nerves I thought could never be ignited again. You don't have to be a biological parent to understand or accept detrimental behavior. BIOLOGY DOES NOT CREATE UNDERSTANDING. Bad behavior is bad behavior, no matter what the origins are. Being a former spouse, a bio-mom and a step-mom myself, I couldn't disagree more with what was just told to you. How you feel, how you behave with a stranger that is about to take care of your children is absolutely a subjective matter, probably based more on your own personal family history, your own self esteem, and absolutely not on biology. It sounds like you are just trying your best to make all good. Women tend to want to improve things, fix things, make everything alright. Sometimes, I am afraid, you just can't. Feel empathy for that woman, accept her for who she is (and not for what she does) if you are able to. But other than that, try and let her deamon stay her own; do what you do, walk away. In my step-family groups, I would sit and hear stories of women getting away with despicable behavior, all in the name of their biological connection (heralded in front of the step-parents of course). I think it's time that us biological mothers step up to the plate and show some nobility, especially when children like your steps seem to be blessed with a step-mother who loves them, who cares for them. The biggest turning point for me was when I realized that the children would behave with me in one way and with their step-mother in another way. That's when I realized that something had to be done, that the gap we had been forming needed to be bridged. I can't say that we talk on a regular basis now, nor that I agree with much of what she says, but when something throws me off, I keep in mind that she loves my children and my children love her. Sure, it bothered me when I first heard them call her Mom too, but in the big picture, is that what really matters? No, that's just my pride that is hurt (I thought I was the only one to be able to hold that title from the day they were born). The children have improved in so many ways since she and I had our pow wow, and some times we need refreshers just to make sure we're still on the same page. But that kind of talk needs to come from her I am afraid. It sounds like she is not open to you right now, so you just have to sit tight and wait. The advice I give you is this, if her behavior really gets out of hand, I would have your husband talk to her. After all, she is undermining the children's stability. It sounds like they care for you but sometimes feel confused about allegiances and act up. If his conversation with her doesn't work, possibly seek counseling or a group therapy environment where you can air out your grievances. She is unlikely to accept that option it sounds like, but if he brings up change in the children's behavior and that there seems to be something wrong with them, I doubt she won't want to seek a solution for the good of her children. I don't know if you have any religious or spiritual beliefs, but praying has always helped me... and I'm not talking about those, "Oh God, help me..." I'm talking about serious meditation, journaling if writing is your thing... One of my mentor moms told me once, "My step-wife kept me on my knees for many years, but now my children thank me... all of them!" I took that advice to heart... and of course, if you find a group of step-parents, or even just of parents, you may find your biggest allies. Online, it's a crap shoot if you ask me. Looking someone in the eye is always better. Best of luck, hold onto your family, and I look forward to hearing good updates (I know it will get easier with time. Remember, it's not time that changes things, it's what people do during that time. If she doesn't come around, I am sure you're going to be able to become strong and take it like a mama!).
...See More
fiveinall
15 years ago
just hug and love him and be all about him just as much as your bio kids!! He will always hurt that BM isn't there.
ceph
15 years ago
It might be a difficult transition, but I think you need to include him with every part of the "all about your kids" AND give him a little extra special time with Dad AND some professional counseling.

He'll probably find it a difficult transition too, and he probably won't understand why he wasn't what his mom was all about.

It's going to have a LOT of lumps and bumps, so stick around.
colleen777
15 years ago
hey akangel. Without knowing any of the history, I wonder where he got the idea that his mother doesn't love him or want him? The school yard perhaps?

I would say finding some genuine empathy in yourself for his mother would be a positive step. Don't ever discuss her in negative terms even when you think the children aren't there or listening. Kids have a real mysterious ability for picking that stuff up.

How old are the other children? Is there one young enough that he could be a big brother toward? If they are younger can you create situations where he could help them?

Counselling for sure. I would also speak with the school and find out how the other children are treating him.

This isn't going to be easy, but luckily he has you to help him through.
doodleboo
15 years ago
Oh god do I know how sucky this situation is. My two step daughters (twins) mom more or less abondoned them for her junkie lifestyle. She has a mental condition and she's an addict.

When they start asking these hard questions I always tell them "your mom does love you babies, she just can't be a good mommy to you right now Your daddy and I are here and we love you too so you're going to be OK." What else can you say really? It's a hard sad situation.

For some reason they always come to ME with these questions and not their father. I think they want a "nuetral" persons opinion...not mom's not dad's.
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
Please don't contradict a child who says his mother doesn't love him.

It tells him that you don't believe him & that you aren't going to be supportive of him.

My mother was an abuser.

Any time I reached out to an adult to express my pain & misery, the adult would always spout that old "I'm sure your mother loves you" line, denying my pain, dismissing what I said, & teaching me that I was alone in my struggle.

As a grown-up, I wouldn't jump in & trash anyone's mother, but I'd focus on the child's present situation & future welfare rather than address the mother's issues at all.

I do think a good counsellor could give you some guidance with helpful attitudes & techniques.

I wish you the best.
fiveinall
15 years ago
"hey akangel. Without knowing any of the history, I wonder where he got the idea that his mother doesn't love him or want him? The school yard perhaps?"

I think that is pretty normal for a child of that age to say without anyone leading them to feel that way. as my SD got older she would say that because that is how she really felt...we have never bad mouthed BM....but she was old enough and smart enough to realize mom wasn't around and doing her job and that is how it made her feel inside...
I would definately work with SS on self esteem, feeling unwanted and unloved by a parent is so damaging to self esteem/confidence etc....
akangel76
Original Author
15 years ago
To answer a few of your questions my other 2 kids are 8 and 10 yrs old. I treat my stepson like he is my own child. I do not believe in treating them differently. His bio mom constantly abandoned him as he was growing up the longest he ever lived with his mom was when my husband was still married to her and that was for 2 yrs. Since then he has lived with his aunt. His mom never called or visited him even though he only lived 4 hours away. Now she never calls him... She watched and allowed a boyfriend to beat the kid almost to the point of death. I never bad mouth her to him it is not my or my husbands place to do that. It really just breaks my heart knowing he is hurting so bad. He talks about her in a negative way a lot to me. I just listen to him. We will be putting him in counseling soon but were told to wait because we just finally gained custody of him a month ago and don't want him to feel there is something wrong with him. Along with him going I think we are going to do family counseling what can it hurt right?!?!? For all the crap this poor child has gone through is a very respectful well behaved child. He is adjusting really well to having a brother and sister and living with us. He has chosen to confide in me all this stuff and it is so hard to listen to and see the hurt in his little eyes. I constantly reassure him that I love him as if he was my baby. I also have told him if there is something he has a problem with don't understand or don't like that causes him not to be happy lets talk about it and try and work it out. My husband is step-dad to my 2 kids and treats them like his son. So it is a very equal household.

How to help your sc when bio mom was abusive

Comments (9)

catlettuce

justnotmartha

Related Discussions

fiveinall

ceph

colleen777

doodleboo

sylviatexas1

fiveinall

akangel76
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

How to help your sc when bio mom was abusive

Comments (9)

Related Discussions

akangel76Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

akangel76
Original Author