I agree with a lot of what you people are saying. To me when it all comes down to it, it's how a stepmother acts in the situation. If she doesn't expect a stepchild to come through like her 'biological' child, they won't. A stepchild needs to feel equal, and part of the family. Not like an obligation, like they aren't good enough, like they are being squashed into the household. Being an adult means that you're the supposed to be the bigger person and teach them respect. By teaching them respect I don't mean pounding it into them, I don't mean letting them walk all over you. I mean you need to show them respect to get some back. Just because you're an adult it doesn't mean you deserve respect before them. Respect isn't earned, that just goes back to making the child feeling unfit. Respect is mutual, it goes both ways. You need to think of it from their perspective. Make it easier for them. That is what parents are supposed to do. They are supposed to comfort them, be there for them. Stepchildren or not they need to be treated like any other child in the household. If they aren't what makes you think they are gonna treat you with any sort of esteem? Personally I have gone through both physical and verbal abuse through my childhood, more verbal than physical. I suffered from depression. Nobody knew, not even me. I came from a messy situation involving more abuse with my mom and her boyfriend. I left my home that I was just getting used to, I moved a lot when I was younger. I left the only father I really knew, who abused my mom. I left my younger half brother and sister increasing my anxiety. I mean nobody knew these things, not really anyways. They saw the police reports, and knew about the anger management courses my stepfather went through. But they didnt really know. They never heard about my stepfather telling me to choose if I want to move two hundred miles away with the father I hardly knew. I only chose this because I knew my mom would come and get us when her bipolar was under control. That she wouldnt go back to the guy that would hurt her if she saw me move away. We were just too close for her not to. We did go to some counseling for the court. I didnt know this, and the councilor I was with told me it would be a secret, just for me and her. That she would make me feel better. I really trusted her. To have my own mother, and my stepmother approach me about what had clearly not been confidential hurt me. I pretended after that. I pretended everything was okay so I wouldnt have to see the councilor anymore. She bought it. I refuse to visit a professional therapist to this day. Dont get me started on how I should. I know, and I will when I am ready. For now I have my best friend who too has in her past had similar problems, and a very kind caring boyfriend. Moving in with a woman and her boy was increasingly stressful. At first she was nice. At first she brought us places, smiled a lot, and praised us for what we did right. She even quit smoking because of my asthma; my stepfather didnt even do that. I liked her, I let my guard down. I get it, its always this way when you first meet. As time progressed she laid a ton of responsibility on me, doing all the household chores to avoid going to the babysitters. When I was living with my mom I took care of my three younger siblings, I was responsible and twelve is definitely old enough to stay home for a few hours by yourself. She didnt trust me, to this day she doesnt. I havent done anything to break her respect. I have been nothing but respectful and paitent her. She began reading my personal journals, things I used to vent, going through my room, my personal belongings. Praising only her son while telling me how bad I was at everything. Scolding me for having feelings, and so I will admit I became irritable. Throughout my childhood I was a shy girl. I didnt really fight back, I was scared of her. You arent supposed to be scared of guardians, step or not it was her responsibility to be a parent figure. I lived in that house for four years. Relieved I left and moved back to my moms house, leaving my friends, and a place I lived in longer than any other. Some might call it running away, I dont really care. To this day our relationship, in short terms sucks. I am still hurt by her. I am hurt that my dad stuck his head in a bottle and ignored it. I am hurt that he chose her over me. That he didnt protect me. After moving to my moms house, with her husband of six months, things got better. I left ends loose with my dad. It took one final fight for me to move permanently, one fight about me crying on the telephone to my mom. The court didnt see her fit to care for me at the time, but I was old enough to decide for myself. My dad had practically told me in his drunken haze to get out. I did. I was sick of it. My younger sister moved with me. My younger sister who was treated more of a daughter from my father and stepmother than I. It ticked me off that she would be treated better despite the fact that biologically she didnt know her father. They seemed happy enough without us. Two months later my step mom parked the car up on the sidewalk, making my biggest fear come true. She climbed out of the car attempting to guilt me. My mom, step dad, sister and I were living with my step grandma. She started yelling at me. I was so scared I couldnt move. I tried to but ever time I stepped she would yell. She told me how cruel I was, to leave my dad who cried every night since I left. She told me how stupid I was to leave. She scolded me for moving an hour away in the hood of our city. She told me everything I already felt guilty about. She trenched up everything I buried deep within. I just stood their motionless tears streaming down my burning cheeks. Finally she left, and I cried, I cried because I didnt mean to hurt anyone. I cried because my making things better had backfired, as usual. I then stormed in the house crying, screaming, I was hysterical. I couldnt help it. My mom told me it was ok. I knew she was lying to make me feel better. Her childhood wasnt lollipops and daisies either, Im sorry that she didnt learn from it like I have. I practiced writing a letter about how I feel to my dad, I never could send one. Four months from that day on the sidewalk two doors away from my house my dad called. My sister had been visiting every second weekend. I hid in the house holding my breath till they were gone. He called and told me I was coming to Disneyland with the family. I obliged just glad he didnt sound mad, grouchy that it took so long for him to forgive me, or in that case bribe me. The trip was two weeks in a motor home. Not as bad as I had thought it would be. I dont remember much. They didnt force me to talk, I dont think my step mom mentioned the outburst that day. I am surprised to this day that they hadnt interrogated me, usually they wouldve. I was a stress case by the time I got home so nerved by being in such a small space with the two people I despised. I visited an odd weekend here and there. Spent a Christmas with my dad while my step mom and stepbrother went to Disneyland again without my younger sister or I. Again I was feeling the wrath of my truly evil stepmother spoiling her son. He came back with loads of toys and clothing, bought us a couple outfits that I pretended to like. She still really didnt, and to this day doesnt know me. I did home schooling for my grade eleven year. Two years after I moved away. I was having trouble coping with my issues. It got better. Not the relationship of my step mom, dad or I but my feelings. To this day I am scarred by it. I allow myself to think of it as something to grow from, something to learn from. I will never forget it, and one day I will forgive them. I fear to have kids, fear that I could turn out anything like them. I have never been mad at my mom she was going through her own stressful time. She was coping how she knew. The court gave her no other choice. Aside from that fact she moved two hundred miles to be close to my sister and I. She is happy now, finally finding a man that cares for us. I hope this just goes to show you how awful things can get. Being a kid it is tough. Especially when youre faced with ultimatums a child shouldnt have to face. So I realize you will all say my situation was a little out there. You gotta understand that if you fool around with it too much it can get this bad. Kids are kids, they need nuturment, they need love. If you can give them that you are well off. If you can't maybe you should back off and not make things any worse. Children don't understand the tit for tat thing, they indeed don't need any of that stupidity in their lives. You rub off on them, and what you do could affect who they will be. Being an ADULT comes with responsibility, and if you aren't ready for it then your relationship might not be worth it. As tiring as it gets there has gotta be some good, just a little that is worth the pain. If not you aren't ready to be a step-parent.

Thank you to bnicebekind, outinthecld, and amberjul for your response and insights. I want to say that first of all, I am protective of my son. I also worry sometimes that my son takes advantage of things and can be a bit manipulative. The day that I wrote my original post, my husband had gotten into one of his moods and there were a bad scene. This past weekend, however, while my husband was gone, I asked my son to do something (move some wood behind the garage) and he refused to do so. I should tell you that my son was in the store with me shopping one evening and he went to look at the baseball cards while I was in the grocery dept. When I went to look for him, I was paged. Going to find him, thinking he paged me, I found that he had been stopped for shoplifting--which was pretty confusing since neither of us had left the store and he had over $30 in his pocket that I had given him earlier. Anyway, the store made me pay $200.00 to them as they can charge the parent 10x what the kid is allegedly stealing. My husband and I agreed that he had to work it off. Actually, I was quite humiliated and upset and couldn't even speak. My husband actually surprised me and was the calm one and talked to my son. Since that time, even though it was agreed that my son had to work off the $200 with chores, he refuses to do them (usually when it is just me around) and this weekend when my husband was not home, my son got very angry with me, called me names, threw my kitchen chairs around, hit things, slammed the doors, etc. My son is getting to be a good size guy and truthfully, I am not sure I could live with him alone any more. AS for protecting my son, I do. When my husband went after my son once like he was going to hit him, I stopped him and I told him that he or anyone would ever put a hand to my son. I stood my ground and looked him in his face and he knows that I am dead serious about that. Yes, I do feel that some sort of counseling is needed so we can set some guidelines as to what our rights and responsibilities are. Such as, I would never spank one of stepgrandchildren and I don't expect my husband to spank mine...he sees it differently. I have again talked with my husband and I have taken the advice of a counselor in that if my husband loves me, I should be able to get him to see my reasoning. I think he does love me because I did stand up to him and say to him that I do not want to "castrate" him in our home and make him feel like he is not the man of the house, however; I cannot raise my son in fear. I told him that I do not like his temper; I cannot deal with people with bad tempers and if he did not learn to control his temper and learn to think a bit differently, that I would have to let this relationship go. I told him that I did love being married to him and I love the large family that we have together and I love the grandkids, but if that was the way that he raised his kids (I suspect it was and I suspect that was how he was raised, also), that he needed to think differently. I also came up with some compromises for my son and our rules, which he agreed to and I did let him know firmly that we needed to work on this and that I did think counseling was needed. His daughter told me that he had tried counseling before and it failed. I have been to counseling quite a long time for the depression, etc. of my first divorce, the relationship, tragedies, etc., so I do have insight into what needs to be done. I was a very self-sufficient, independent woman, yet now at my husband's request have lowered my income and work at home. This is all right as now I am here for my son when he gets home and I am here when he goes to school, too. I wonder if my husband doesn't have a hormone or chemical or sugar imbalance that brings on his moods as he gets very upset with himself when he gets upset. I am working on the rules and have talked with my son and asked him to work with me. My son knows I love him and I will try to look after his best interests. So, I do appreciate your comments and I wanted to let you know that I will not stick my head in the sand, I am workikng to resolve the issues, I am looking into counseling, and yes, I do protect my son. But, I simply needed to know if I was being one-sided towards my son as a mom and a stepchild myself, was I being unfair to my husband? The thing is, when you talk to someone, it can get you thinking...sometimes my son is in the wrong and sometimes my husband does overreact to things and goes way out of proportion. These are the issues that need to be worked on...now, just to find the right counselor to help with that. Thanks again

"But here, as Ima said, there is a community of SMs who think Dad should not chip in." Where did I say that? You said, "And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college." All I did was rephrase it because you didn't like that only a 'part' of your sentence was used and I didn't want to take it out of your context. YOU imply that this SM community feels that dad doesn't have to pay for college and therefore you don't need to get lectured by any of us. Well, that is not the same as ME saying that all SM's here feel that way. What I'm saying is that you choose to be a part of THIS online community. Nobody is forcing you to be here. Personally, I don't think college costs are the right of any child, unless there is a law that states it (or by agreement). I agree with Kathline that it varies from person to person and I have three bio kids. One that is in college and I'm helping him all I can. It would be nice if his dad would help him but legally, neither of us is obligated. Morally... maybe. I have another son that I know would not do well in college. I'd like for him to go but he doesn't have the motivation to do that. If he was motivated and would benefit, I'd help him too. I don't think college is as important as others because most people that I know that went to college, ended up doing something other than what they went to college for. There are also many successful people in my family that did not go to college. I don't think college equals success. I think that college educated people can be more successful than uneducated people, but not always. But, none of that matters because your point here is not about who should pay for college. It seems more to bash people that don't agree with you and blame stepmoms for kids not going to college. Several people here have (bio)kids that have gone to college and paid for their own college (my son is working to help pay his way too) and just because they would hold the same standard for their stepchild, they are being criticized and somehow you try to relate that to whether they now have the right to discipline in their own home, because they don't agree that dad should pay for college. And then you bring up your ex's SO lifestyle and comments that she's made to your daughter about you. What does that have to do with discipline. Apparently, your daughter doesn't spend much time with her dad and his SO isn't going to have to worry too much about disciplining her and he's already bound by your agreement to pay for her college... so what is your freakin' point???? How does anything you've said relate to this thread???

This may be a HELLA OLD post, but I stumbled upon it after doing a search about what to do with my very difficult, spoiled & entitled acting 20 yr old step-daughter...normally, I'd never reply, but a post from "theotherside" really caught my attention. It was this: "The stepmothers CHOSE to be in the position they are in. If they did not realize how hard it was going to be, it is because they didn't do enough research, and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love. On the other hand, the biological mother who is now forced to deal with her child having a stepmother had no choice in the matter, especially in those many cases where the father, not the biological mother, chose to divorce." Theotherside, not only do you sound very much like you are CHOKING on sour grapes, you sound INSANE. Yes, step-mothers choose to marry a man with a child, but they DO NOT chose to be disrespected in their home by your brats. Which is the feel I am getting for any child you have, I'm almost 100% certain you have done you're best to "poison the well" against your kids stepmom because by your own admission, you didn't want a divorce so I'm positive that you weren't thrilled when your ex-husband remarried. It's not exactly hard to see why your husband left you, you keep going on & on about you not choosing a stepmom for your kids or wanting a divorce, you quote statistics, spout nonsense facts, all without facing up to your part in the dissolution of your marriage. It takes 2 to fall in love, but unfortunately it doesn't take 2 to fall out. There are usually signs before it happens, but you have to pay attention. Not bury your head & try to ignore it. Your husband divorced you, get over it. Or was the divorce no fault of your own? Were you so perfect that you can be considered blameless? I doubt it... Face up to the realities of your situation & your shortcomings and more than likely, share of personal responsibility for WHY the divorce happened & you might begin to understand the HOW of why you divorced in the first place. The only thing you got right? Yes, stepmom choose to fall in love, even to men with kids, even to men that have a painful history, with a POISONOUS ex like you... One cannot "do enough research" on love or raising kids...it's not possible, these types of situations are learn as you go, like on the job training...there is no way to train to be a perfect parent or wife, but you can try to be a better person, which is advice I wish you would take. Because you sound like a miserable, awful human being. I do feel very, very sorry for your children's step mother I'm certain you make her life absolute hell.