If my H were to get my kids out of school early, I would have no problem with it, but I would want him to let me know. As a matter of fact, the one time he did get them out early, it was at my suggestion. Just to be on the safe side, I sent notes in with each of them letting the school know that he was going to pick them up early. I was afraid the school would give him a hard time otherwise.

Ima ---
I am wondering what part of the country you live in? I understand there was a nasty winter storm in the upper midwest. Do you live there? If so, BM picking up her daughter early may simply have been a desire to get her and get home safely before the roads got bad --- especially if she had a 2.5 hour drive.

Regardless, I would have liked a heads up from her that she intended the early pick up. I would not have had a problem with it --- just would have appreciated the courtesy of an alert (especially in light of the fact that BM may not have had a legal right to sign out your SD early).

I would say a "NCP" which has the child the first 3 weekends of every month has a pretty big role in school age childs life. My NCP is averaging one or two weekends a year.

We live in California so it wasn't due to weather. It's been fairly sunny but a little cold (in the 60's, so not that cold)

We are a little concerned because she met her BF about three months ago and within a week or two, she packed up and moved 2 1/2 hours away to be with him, leaving both her daughter's behind. She has full custody of her older daughter but still left her. She signed over physical custody to DH when she moved. Lately, she's been telling SD that she's going to change custody (without discussing it with DH) and move her over there. DH tries to talk with her but she avoids his phone calls. When he finally did get through, she first said she only gave him "temporary" custody and then denied telling SD anything. SD insists her mom is telling her she's going to move very soon. BM's change in behavior (ie. avoiding DH's calls, not letting DH talk to SD when she's there, etc.) are a little concerning because before she told us that she wanted SD to move there, she was being more cooperative.

and kkny, she may have a bigger role in SD's life than your NCP does, but she went from having every other week with each parent to seeing mom three weekends a month. It was pretty traumatic for her, especially after her mom spent five months fighting for primary custody and told her she would never give up custody of her. Then three weeks later, after the court said they will keep the 50/50 arrangement, her mom sits her down and tells her she met the new BF, she's moving away and going to marry the new BF and SD is going to live with her dad. I'm sure SD felt betrayed by her mom and it has been a really rough three months and now that she's finally settling down the last few weeks, her mom is trying to uproot her and put her through it over there. So there is a little concern that mom is testing to see how much she can get away with before we say something. It's a little bit in the back of our minds that she may try to take her and not let her come back, or try to put her in school there without consulting DH. Even though there's a court order, BM pretty much does whatever she wants and DH doesn't want to spend all his time in court so he lets the little stuff go, but if she tries to move her, that's not something he's going to let go. BM doesn't seem too concerned with her daughter's well being. She didn't go to the school conference, she doesn't ask DH how she's handling the change, she was going to speak to the counselor but canceled and was only interested in knowing what was being said about her, she wasn't concerned about how SD was doing.

Like I said, it wasn't a huge deal to us if it's a one time thing, but SD has been struggling in school and with her behavior due to the changes. There doesn't seem to be any reason for her mom to take her out of school at noon, other than for her convenience. We just don't want it to become a regular thing and worse case, we don't want to have to end up back in court.

Even if it's okay with dad, I think it sets a bad precedent:

1.
Mom could conceivably use dad's not knowing who picks up the daughter or when she's being picked up as ammunition if she ever does go back to court for custody.

2.
Given the frequency of parental abduction & transport to other countries...

if this girl's mom picked her up "early" at, say, 9:00 AM (which she might do next time, since picking her up early didn't make any waves this time), mom & daughter could be in another country before dad finds out his daughter isn't in school.

3.
the "give 'em an inch" rule:
If mom gets no objection from dad for having picked her up early without consulting him first, then mom's next step may be to bring her back late, or to take her out of state to "visit" somewhere, or to let the new boyfriend pick her up.

Also, shouldn't the school have some hard & fast instructions as to who can pick her up & when?
That would nip this kind of surprise in the bud;
NCP says "I'm here to pick daughter up early".
School says, "We don't have any instructions from child's custodial parent to that effect. Make yourself comfortable right here in this nice chair while we call."

I hope everything works out for the best for you & especially for this young girl.

Perhaps you could just let the school know that she is not to be taken out early unless it is her dad taking her out.
That is,if it happens again and if you have a problem with it.
Being as she is struggling in school,she probably needs all the time there she can get.

Isn't she only 8, or am I getting confused? In second or third grade, in the typical public school, she could probably miss EVERY Friday afternoon and not miss anything much. Public school is not about learning or teaching critical thinking skills - it is about making them into good little future factory workers.

I think Sylvia is dead on. The fact that BM believes her schedule is more important than her daughter's schooling - regardless of age and private or public school - does not give her the green light to pull her out early without the okay from the CP. The school should not have let her go either - the ladies in the office at my SD's school are aware of who the CP is and would not let my SD leave with BM without a note or call from my DH.

This is not to say there could be valid reasons for a child to be taken out early, but I believe CP should have a say in if the reason is valid, CP should be made aware it is happening, at the very least.

Personally, we would likely make waves because we have a huge case of give an inch take a mile with the BM in my life.

"In second or third grade, in the typical public school, she could probably miss EVERY Friday afternoon and not miss anything much."

I beg to differ! My daughter's second grade teacher told me that third grade is a monumental year for students.That they have alot of new concepts coming at them at one time (learning cursive writing,multiplication,etc,etc)
And that third grade can either make or break a student.

I know because my third grader struggled something terrible last year.
If ima's SD is struggling too,then every hour she misses could contribute to falling behind!
My daughter got after school tutoring last year and still was struggling.

Now,I know it really depends what state you live in,and what the school is like.But it is that kind of lax attitude that enables students to fall behind in the first place.
I know where I live the school doesnt have a minute to spare.Lunches are squeezed in to the point the children can hardly get their lunches down.The math curiculum is taught in such a way that the students learn a new concept nearly everyday...and missing any of those days or steps can really mess a kid up when they are already having a hard time.

I read a study once in which a group of older kids who had never been to school were able to learn all the math taught in k-4 in 6 weeks. A lot of the struggling in school has to do with trying to teach kids material that they are just not ready to learn. A professor once told me that a lot of kids' brains are not ready to handle the abstract concepts of algebra until they are about 18. Other kids can do algebra much younger - I had a couple of kids who learned algebra at 12. When my daughter was in kindergarten, they had the kids doing two digit subtraction problems, when most kindergarteners' think too concretely to do math without manipulatives. In public school in many states, the emphasis is on teaching to the test, those &%$*& statewide tests. There is no room for flexibility, no room for tailoring the instruction to the particular student. Of all the things I miss about being married, one of the things I miss the most is homeschooling.

I know this is a tangent that has nothing to do with step-parenting issues.

I don't have my own kids, so this is a bit outside my usual realm, but here's my opinion anyhow.
I can see how you'd want to let it go this time - nobody wants to seem nitpicky (well, maybe a few people don't mind it)...
But I think that letting it go might not be your wisest approach and that, long-term, everyone would be better off if DH asked her to please let him know if she will be picking SD up early.

You and DH benefit: You might have an uncomfortable conversation now, but you'll rest easier knowing that BM isn't picking SD up from school at random times. One afternoon isn't a big deal, but like Sylvia and other posters said, giving an inch can be risky.

SD's school benefits: The teacher will know "the rules" and know to call you RIGHT AWAY if she hasn't spoken to your DH or SD didn't hand in a note in the morning. That covers the school's butt legally if BM ever tried to sneak SD away without your knowledge (but lets pray it never comes to that).

BM benefits: She's held accountable for adhering to scheduled pickups (responsibility is good for people!) and she can rest easier knowing that her daughter's school is aware of the comings and goings of their students - any-old-Joe isn't allowed to waltz out of there with a child.

Most importantly, your SD benefits: You mentioned in another post that you worry your SD may feel confused or anxious because she doesn't know who will have her and when. She was probably happy to see her mom early, but confused about why and possibly worried that her visit would be cut short on Sunday. She'd probably benefit from the security of knowing exactly when her mom is coming to get her.
She also benefits from attending class!! She may have not learned an important concept or not received her homework for the weekend, which could put her behind next week.

I think it would be best to mention it. A quick "It wasn't a big deal this time, but could you please let us know if..." could save you a lot of trouble down the road.

Bm in my situation has done this many times...

my favorite one ...

She took them out last year at noon for "doctor's appt...... didn't bother to pay the co-payment.... got all 3 flu shots and chicken pox vaccines.... dropped them off at a scheduled bus stop put them back on the bus like they had been at school the whole day. Days later the now 10 yr old ended up having an asthma attack... he said ... "Is it because I got a flu shot? who gave you a flu shot? mommy took us to the drs. the other day and he gave us flu shots and chicken pox shots".... not only did she not tell hubby that she was taking them to the drs... took them out of school for it.... he was billed $45 for the visits 10 days later.

In our case its just one of the many somethings we deal with.

Thats when we found out she put the 3 younger ones on her insurance plan at work.... and it somehow cancelled out the policy hubby had on them ... so for about 4 weeks they were without any coverage. Good thing nothing happend.

OMG, Cawfe!
Switching their health insurance without checking on the loose ends of the old insurance is just plain irresponsible! Especially if one of the kids is known to have a recurring health problem like asthma!
I live in Canada, where insurance isn't really necessary, and the thought of not having insurance scares the beejeezus out of me anyhow! Even though our health care is mostly paid for by the government, many Canadians have health plans to help lower our (already low) prescription costs, upgrade to private hospital rooms, recoup lost wages, etc. Mine is through my university and it has a six week blackout each fall where I'd have to cover my own costs and submit bills for a refund after the blackout period is over... I'm worried the whole six weeks that something will happen and I won't be able to pay for it - even though I do still technically have insurance and I'd never be faced with a $1000+++ medical bill for a bladder infection!
Yikes! I'm all worried about your kids health now!! (Good thing I trimmed my nails this morning, or I might have bitten them off after reading your post)

Thanks Ceph for bringing up a point that I thought about last night as we were going to pick her up. She does feel anxious about everything that's going on in her life and gets confused. We also discussed that SD may have also been told, "don't tell daddy I picked you up early". Then, SD is going to be keeping a secret, which might make her feel guilty. And that's not fair to her, especially since it isn't a big deal to DH. (or at least not something he's going to call BM on this time)

DH is going to let the school know to contact him in the future if anyone tries to pick up SD early. She's in the third grade and part of the reason she's struggling, is because when she was in the 2nd grade, we discovered that her mom was doing homework for her. BM was into taekwondo and signed up SD to go with her. One of the things she was asked to do, was bring in her report cards because they stress the importance of education, among other things in martial arts. BM would "help" her by doing the ones she didn't get so she would have it done. This year, when she started 3rd grade, she was completely lost and I spend at least an hour or two every night working on getting caught up. She's finally getting most of it now, so that is part of why her attendance is so important to us. The only days she's missed this year are due to coming home from BM's sick. I know kids get sick, but BM doesn't make her wear shoes outside or a coat when it's cold.

She's also gaining a lot of weight again and her pants are not fitting her. Last night when we picked her up, SD was flopped on the couch eating corndogs while watching a movie. She's constantly saying she's hungry (she said it as soon as we got home) and in our house, she gets three meals and a couple of healthy snacks. We also control her portions and sit at the table to eat. While we don't agree with BM's way, it's her house and we don't say anything. It's just sad that she doesn't care. When SD was in 2nd grade, she was pretty overweight (as in prior years too) and when she moved in here, she would come home from school and cry because kids were teasing her. I made a few changes while she was at our house. I stopped giving her soda and started giving her only milk, juice or water. Her mom promptly called DH to complain about that. I also cook all the meals so I made sure she had healthy meals and appropriate portions. I also took away her video games and gave her toys to play with outside, so she can run around and exercise. Mom also complained about that. By the end of summer, she had slimmed down and was wearing normal sizes. (the prior year, all her pants had to be cut short or capri because to fit on her belly, normal pants were too long) I had weight issues as a kid and I know how painful it is to be teased. Every time she's at her moms for a significant amount of time, she gains a lot of weight. Her mom doesn't cook so they eat out a lot or prepackaged foods. DH has tried to explain to BM that SD struggles with her weight. She's only 8 and this will affect her the rest of her life.

We have become very negative thinking people. Meaning ... take any situation and attach all the negative that could happen in that situation and thats what will happen on mom's end.

Our insurance has an online site where you can check whats been done to whom whats been paid and what not ... I didn't bother to sign up for it.... I know when who is getting what ... but mom had and the email addy for the whole family was going to hers. She knew everyones medical history including mine and my childrens'(nothing to hide but she doesn't need to know anything about me). I should have known better... (hubby gave her a card in case something happend to them with her)... and she promptly signed up for the email notifications.... I had to get her off of it tell the company she was not on the insurance no reason for her to have access to it ... and separated hubby myself and my son off of the web site. just in case.

We asked her to keep them on the insurance until we could get them back on his... she couldn't/wouldn't do it. Kicker was when he went to court last april she brought it up how they were with out insurance for a month.

That's terrible that your SD struggles with her weight at such a young age. I feel compelled to rant about it.

The stats on overweight children becoming obese adults should be enough to make any caregiver smarten up and feed the children in their care properly!! I also think people should worry about calcium stores, kidney development, insulin levels, etc etc (the curse of the education path I've chosen is that I know too many things that can go wrong in metabolic pathways and why)

My brothers are both overweight and eat junk "food" instead of proper meals and what they're doing to their kids makes my blood boil! One of them doesn't eat breakfast, so doesn't feed his 4 year old daughter breakfast either. When I lived with him for six months last year, I got up in the morning with my niece to make sure she got a proper breakfast (toast and fruit with a glass of milk, etc). I also had to tell him to make vegetables for supper because Kraft Dinner, nacho chips, and icecream is not a suitable dinner three nights in a row.

My other brother actually can't cook simple meals. I'm not exaggerating when I say if-it-doesn't-come-out-of-a-package-he's-not-cooking-it. At age four, my oldest nephew was over at my place for dinner. He asked what I was doing, "I'm washing and chopping the broccoli." "Why? My mom and dad just poke a hole in the bag and put it in the microwave. I get to watch for the cheese to bubble." He also didn't know what the fish was because it wasn't in fishstick format. My niece first had hemmorhoids at age two; her doctor recommended more fibre. So, they started giving her Metamucil instead of wholesome fibre-rich foods. At least those two get breakfast though.

Luckily, none of my nieces and nephews have weight problems yet, but I worry about what's to come for them. I also worry about the state of their intestines and organs, nutrient stores, and general overall health...

When I was waitressing, there was a customer with a baby of about 9 or 10 months old (sat up in a high chair by itself, but wasn't drinking from a cup on its own). The mom would get some Pepsi in her straw, put her finger over the top of the straw to hold the Pepsi in, put the straw in the baby's mouth and let go so the Pepsi could flow. Good gravy! I wanted to shake this woman and shout "Listen up, you foolish woman!! If a baby is too young to drink independently from a cup, it's too young for cola!!"

The flip side, which also makes me upset, is that I know parents who freak out about normal phases of growth. Kids are supposed to get a little pudge around their middles right before a growth spurt and there's parents who want to put their kids on diets when that happens!

I want to pull my hair out and scream when I think about what people feed their kids!!

ceph, I hear ya;

my cousin's daughter was given RC Cola in her bottle.

By the time she was 4 years old, she had a mouthful of silver (this was in the 70's).

Her diet consisted of sodas, starch, fat, preservatives, & sugar, with a side order of tremendous stress.

When she complained that her stomach hurt (& it hurt almost every day after school, duh), her grandmother decided it must be an ulcer, & she would give her a big bowl of ice cream to "soothe" it.

Food was her comfort, her teddy bear.

She was overweight at 6, obese at 17, & in her late 30's, she was diagnosed with MS.

I've wondered if the diet & stress triggered it.

I agree with TOS, one can easily miss every Friday the whole day not just a half day and still not miss much. Elementary and middle school curriculum is designed this way, unfortunatelly. As about the situation with the kid being picked up early: I think is not a big deal that a kid was picked up earlier just once. I mean if it becomes a system weekly then it is not good, but once...Let it go.