Whacky questions about NCP's.

16 years ago

Ok so sitting around the other night after another conflict with the ex ... not me hubby ... she called him about because SD 8 doesn't have "a good pair of sneakers" ... She has atleast 15 pairs of shoes/sneakers here never mind what she packs in her bag to take to mom's ...(She and I wear the same size so she has access to plenty of sneakers and shoes). And they all got new sneakers and shoes and boots to start the school year a month ago. He told her if you feel that strongly about shoes then you should go buy them for the children. Since he pays for everything else related to the children.

I figured it was something to get him on the phone for something else... as usual it turns out she wants to change visitation days .... She signed the 9 yr old up for baseball .. (we paid for it)... she took him to the try outs well it turns out the games are on a thursdays ... (her day) and she doesn't want to have to bring him every week so she wants to change the day. Hubby told her NO I already told you, I wasn't doing you any favors. Well then she says ... I'll just go back to court and get the days changed. He said "see you in court" and hung up the phone.

We actually have a court date next thursday :-) ... contempt and modification. Guessing she hasn't been notified yet. Or the "I want to be an involved mom" phone calls would have started by now. Unless that was her being involved.

So here are my whacky questions....

1) Do NCP's realize children grow up ... and will think back saying my NCP only wanted to be around when a judge said they could?

2) That telling your children "the judge said" becomes an excuse not to be a parent?

3) If a judge said you could never see your kids you wouldn't want to?

4) What does it say to your children when you say ... My court order says I can't pick you up till 5:30 and stick to it?

5) How would a NCP respond to a surprise pick up with the kids and the kids say.... You can't make us go with you "the judge said you can't pick us up until 5:30"?

I don't understand why it takes a "court order" for some parents to be parents. This goes both for fathers and mothers. If there wasn't a court order in effect ... would they just walk away from their children? And how many times does it take "going back to court" to get it where its amicable. In a few years they will be teenagers and not want anything to do with any parents.

Off topic... but the parent thing is driving hubby nutz. Saturday night was parent's choice for dinner.... and we couldn't decide what we felt like having so the 12 yr old was asking me and I said your parent hasn't decided yet while looking at hubby ..... and SS said I'll call mommy she's my parent and ask her what we should have for dinner. Hubby says ... is she your "only" parent? guessing 12 yr old got the point because he walked away. Thinking I should stop saying "your parents" need to __________.

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Comments (5)

mom2emall
16 years ago
Well I think the answer to all your questions is that MOST moms who do not have custody of their kids are selfish people. They think of themselves first and their kids are at best an afterthought! It is sad that they only want to be a parent when it is convenient or when it will make them look good! I am in the same boat, the bm in my sk's case only calls at times because she lives with her parents and her parents get on her about talking to the kids more.

Funny thing is that one of my sd's tried to call her mom Sunday to tell her about b-day party we had at our house over the weekend. The grandma answered and talked to sd and said mom was working(I'm glad she finally got off her a** and got a job-maybe we could get some cs now!!). Anyways the mom has not returned sd call and today sd was telling me about some writing thing they did in school about things that make them happy and sad. She started telling me how she wrote things about her mom making her sad. My sd listed times when her mom lived in state and blew off picking her up and what she was most hurt about was the time her mom said she would go on a class field trip and filled out the permission slip saying she would go, but then she never showed up that day. My sd said she was most sad about that because she felt stupid in front of her teacher and friends because (as she said) "what kind of mom blows off going on a field trip she signed the permission slip for"?

I think at some point kids may start seeing adults for who and what they really are.
theotherside
16 years ago
"Well I think the answer to all your questions is that MOST moms who do not have custody of their kids are selfish people."

I don't think that is necessarily true. Too many mothers have lost custody to fathers who are wealthier and can afford better lawyers, even to fathers who physically and sexually abuse their children. In addition, there are mothers who believe, either rightly or wrongly, that their fathers can give their children better lives. Mothers who have mental health problems. Mothers who are foolish enough to believe it when their husbands say that the children will be better off because they make more money.

You probably wouldn't make such a statement about non-custodial fathers, and I think it is incorrect to make such as statement about non-custodial mothers as well.
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cawfecup
Original Author
16 years ago
I have had that same conversation with all 3 of my SC.... and you want to say something to confirm their feelings but you can't you have to come up with an explanation that doesn't berate mom. I have to walk away alot of the time before I say something stupid to the kids. My old stand by is ... your mom is angry right now and angry people say and do dumb things. A few times they have responded but she is always angry when is she not going to be angry anymore. I don't know hopefully she can work on it and get through it with out talking to you guys about why she is angry.

It really doesn't matter mom or dad who does not have custody ....

Thats why I asked why NCP's do this to their children.

Whatever the reasoning behind who has custody ... you can tell yourself whatever you want to help you believe that no mother would ever leave her children ...but more and more these days, fathers have custody and mothers have visitation. Years ago wasn't even a thought kids went with mom after divorce. Now its a toss up. Yes finances are a determining factor but not in my hubby's case ... ex-wife brought home the bacon and hubby cooked it. She never wanted custody just wanted out of the marriage.

If they don't want to be involved thats fine but don't twist the kids into thinking you'll be there for them ... then turn around with some excuse why you can't be a parent again. Blaming others so you don't have to be a parent. Whoever it may be ... judge, boss, job there are no excuses for not being there(physically or mentally) for your kids. Children should not have to worry about ...if I say this or that will it make mommy or daddy (insert emotion).
vistajpdf
16 years ago
It's just sad that the woman is like this - or any parent. It would take an army to keep me away from my kids' activities - sports, music programs, whatever. This one just doesn't seem to want to be bothered.

Yes, I think to 'some' degree, we are harder on women who don't seem to 'want' custody of their kids. Of course, we are largely women here and can't fathom not having custody of our kids, extenuating circumstances aside. It would take that same army to keep my kids away from me! I'm afraid some women are just full of excuses when it appears that the bottom line is that they truly are selfish, into themselves and going out, not wanting to be tied down to children.

Again, it's just sad. My last patient of the day was a seventh grader - son of my cousin's friend from H.S. He and his second wife are raising this boy - and doing a far better job than I ever imagined (remembering the dad from his H.S. days, lol, and not being mature!) The mother has remarried, had two children w/ her current husband, and this one was somewhat left out in the cold when her 'new life' began. Thank goodness the father's second wife is a lovely woman who has taken care of this boy as her own. I have no respect for the boy's biomom.

Sorry, Cawfe, that you're in this tough situation. Keep plugging along, doing your best, being the mother to the skids that their own mom just doesn't have the time to be.

Dana
cawfecup
Original Author
16 years ago
Thanks dana... someday it will come to me why she does things.

Last night was parent teacher night at the school yes I took them I know how horrible. But I had a question for one of the teachers... the 5th grader needs his book signed every night after homework is done .... and I told him I didn't want to be the one to sign it because I didn't want mommy to get mad at me or him for signing .... So I went in to tell the teacher he does his homework I do check it but I will not sign the book for it his dad works late and leaves early sometimes. So if he is missing a signature thats the reason why. I told her I do not want to overstep my bounds as a stepparent. The teacher said well I have met mom so I can see your point. How about you just put a check mark on it so I know and mom doesn't have to know who put it there. (teacher is also asst principal).

So I am guessing the only one she is fooling is herself. I don't want to be stepmom of the year. Just want to see all my kids (SC & BC) do well in school and life.

Whacky questions about NCP's.

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mom2emall

theotherside

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Whacky questions about NCP's.

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mom2emall

theotherside

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vistajpdf

cawfecupOriginal Author

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