"SM sees that he doesn't have all the answers"

And what if YOU don't have all the answers?? How would you react if I told you that your shouldn't have weaned your child so soon, that child lead weaning is the way to go, that your child shouldn't have been on a bottle to begin with because you should have been breastfeeding her?? You'd probably tell me that it is none of my business how you raise your child, and it isn't. There is no one right way to parent your own child. Even if you are convinced that you know the ONE RIGHT WAY, you have no right to impose that on someone else's child.

And I can't believe your husband didn't object when you started educating him about the food pyramid. Anyone who has ever read a cereal box knows what it is, and everyone over 5 or 6 knows that there is a relationship between food consumption and weight. What if I told you that saying anything about the girl's weight might lead to anorexia? Or that she may well have slimmed down during her next growth spurt anyway?

I get the impression that a lot of the SM's here think that not only are they smarter and better parents than the biological mothers, but that their husbands, while well-meaning, are incompetent at parenting. A lot of them seem to be incompetent at money management.

You don't need to justify your actions to me. My post that you quoted had nothing to do with your situation. I was talking about situations when one parent is completely gone. In your case mother is fairly involved, she is not gone. Three weekends a month and also Fridays is fairly involved mother. She is NCP, but so what? many fathers are NCP. She maybe was uninvolved in the past but we are not talking about the past. She might not be raising her kid the way you see fit, fattens her up etc but many parents raise their children the way i don't see fit. But they are their children. If you suspect that what she is doing is neglectful or abusive please report her to social services. But if not, then your judgement is fairly subjective. If you would be a big expert in raising children then your children would be 100% well adjusted, and the way yo described it, they are not...So why do you assume your parenting skills are better than hers?

Exactly,
I agree that some SMs are better than some BMs. Of course. But some SMs described how troubled are their own children, and yet they insist that they are better parents to their SDs and SSs than BMs are. Com'n! If you would have all the answers, then you wouldn't have any trouble with your own kids.

We potty trained my daughter at age 12 months. At age 18 months she didnot need diapers. Same did my brother with both of his kids. I also breastfed for a long time, so there was no bottle issue. She did drink water from the bottle until about 12 months, after which she used a sipy cup until 18 months and then a regular cup. Now should i inist everybody does exactly the same because this is a good parenting? Raise your own children the way you see fit but don't assume your way is the only way. If the other way is abuysive to children report parents and if not, then you are being judgemental and subjective.

"How would you react if I told you that your shouldn't have weaned your child so soon, that child lead weaning is the way to go, that your child shouldn't have been on a bottle to begin with because you should have been breastfeeding her??"

If you were involved in her primary care, I would have considered your opinion and advice.

finedreams, I mentioned my current husband (who's ex is slightly involved now) but he is a very good dad. But he didn't think about her weight being a problem. I also left it alone thinking she would "grow" out of it but it was not a normal pudgy before a growth spurt and kids at school were teasing her, she was coming home crying at night. I basically told him that it wasn't helping to force her to eat large portions in order to get her reward "dessert".

The situation that I describe with my ex not taking his daughter off the bottle, he was not a competent parent. Her mom was 100% absent. The entire seven years I was there, he didn't really have much to do with his own kids. It was one of the things I complained about but he was more concerned with his job. After I left, he left them to raise themselves because his new wife didn't want anything to do with them.

I don't assume that my way is the better or only way but I can certainly offer my husband advice because I'm involved on a day to day basis. Parents (meaning grandparents to the children), siblings (the aunts/uncles), friends and family all offer advice & suggestions. Of course it's up to the parent that is providing primary care to make a final decision. (not a parent that pops in from time to time)

spending every weekend with the child is not the same as popping in and out.

What about the months that she wasn't around and then suddenly showed back up? Is that popping in and out or is that a "vacation"?

I don't know about that. I don't where she was and what was the reason. Maybe she was out of the state or even out of the country. My X cannot possibly see DD every week when he is out of the country. It does not make him non existant parent. Plus if BM is in the picture now, should she be constantly punished for the past dissapearance or she should be given a chance? I doubt every SM is such a wonderful parent to her kids at all times. In fact according to all the problems described here SMs share their load of mistakes with their children.

The issue at hand is whether a step parent should be involved in decisions when they are providing care day to day because the other parent is absent. Your statement that even if mom checked out, dad is still in existence to be the decision maker and my point is that if dad wants or needs help, and SM is there to help make those decisions, what's the big deal? If I make a suggestion to DH that he didn't think of, he can say yes or no. It's still his final decision. But as in the case of my ex, his wife split and he was not prepared to take care of three small children on his own. I didn't walk in with all the answers but I was also raising three small children and taking classes on child development and educating myself on how to parent my own kids while he was busy working.

When you know that a parent is gone and you know what they are doing or don't know because they never contact you, then it's not the same as your ex being out of the country working. We knew his ex ran off with a Carnie and was traveling with the fair and doing lots of drugs. She never called them on their birthdays, Christmas or any other holidays.(but she did call occasionally for money, which we usually sent because we weren't going to turn down the children's mom) Every year, I helped them make her Mother's day gifts and got her a Christmas present and all their cards & gifts sat there until she came to visit which was usually in September, when the fair rolled into town. She'd see them a day or two, take them to the fair and leave. I guarantee you that the gifts they gave her were tossed in the trash because when you live that lifestyle, where are you gonna put it? Do you think she had the right to tell me how her kids should be raised? When her daughter should be weaned? When her daughter should be potty trained? What I should feed them or when I should take them to the doctor? Their dad handed me the reins and that was his DECISION. He was the dad and he chose to work and not make those decisions.

And in my current situation, my DH's ex sees her DD three weekends a month. Is she involved? A little. She sees her DD. Does she have the right to tell me I can't take her DD to the dentist? Maybe, but she lets me because I end up paying for it and she doesn't want to pay for her daughter's dental care. Same with the doctor. Her big complaints when it comes to the decisions I have made: Let's see. She doesn't like that i give her daughter milk and juice instead of soda. She doesn't like that I don't let her DD play video games, but make her work on homework or read. She doesn't like that I comb her hair into a ponytail. She doesn't like that I take her daughter to girl scouts (even though I backed off when she said she would take her but never did, so I finally took her when SD wanted to go and her mom wouldn't take her), she got angry because I helped SD finish a school project. That was back when they were doing every other week and SD was with BM the week the assignment was due. She had several weeks to work on it and BM never sent the packet over to our house so we couldn't help her with it. The day it was due (a Friday), she hadn't finished and BM called DH yelling at him that he'd better have it done by Monday. We both helped her with it over the weekend and when BM found out that I helped, she went ballistic.

And I would also like to say that when we went to Court in August, BM testified that I was doing this and that with "HER" daughter and complained to the judge that I had referred to her daughter as mine because I wrote the phrase "I go to karate with my daughters" instead of specifying that I go to karate with my daughter and step daughter. The judge spent about five or six minutes, on the record, saying that SD is lucky to have a SM like me in her life. When court was over, BM stormed out and when we went to pick up SD an hour later, she was already on a date with some guy. Now that's a concerned mom.

"And what if YOU don't have all the answers??"

I don't think Ima's point was that she has all the answers either. My read on what she said was that she thinks that it's important to have a team behind you to help you raise your child. I could be wrong, but that's what I got out of it.

Thank you ceph, that's exactly what I meant. There are other parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts & uncles, co-workers, and friends that often offer advice or suggestions. My husband gets advice from his co-workers all the time on how to deal with my children. We talk about it. We make decisions based on all information we have. We do what we feel is best for everyone in the family.

If both the parents involved wish to take advice from a third party, fine. What I see is a SM doing her best to convince a father to do it her way, without the father consulting the mother.

One major difference between advice from one's coworkers and advice from one spouse is that you probably feel some pressure to accept your spouse's advice. How would you feel, imamommy, if your spouse consistently refused to follow your advice with respect to his child? Would you even stay married to him?

"The situation that I describe with my ex not taking his daughter off the bottle, he was not a competent parent. Her mom was 100% absent. The entire seven years I was there, he didn't really have much to do with his own kids. It was one of the things I complained about but he was more concerned with his job."

Why would you stay with a man like that - even seven weeks, much less seven years?

First of all, in the father's home, he really doesn't need to consult the mother on some of the issues stepmoms are being attacked for doing: Helping with homework, what to feed them, house rules, discipline. Those are not up to the mom to decide in the dad's home. My husband doesn't always do things the way I want. But I have also raised six children that are the same age as his daughter and I have more insight than if I didn't have children. So, what you are saying is that because I am his wife, I must be manipulative and coerce him into doing what I want? Yet, another insult. Do you think all men are spineless morons that can't think for themselves? First, I don't offer a suggestion that isn't in his daughter's best interest. If I did, do you think he would just go along with it, putting his child in harms way or at risk, just to keep me happy? and yes, my idea of her best interest may be different than his and that's why he has the final decision. He trusts me and knows that I care about his daughter.

and why would I stay with a man like that for seven years? Why do you think? I loved those children and worried about what would happen if I left and there was nobody to care about them. Maybe you didn't read everything I have written on it, but I stayed for about four years after I knew it was over. I slept in another room and stayed to care for the children for a long time. It wasn't until his son's began acting out and he refused to get involved. When they got into a fistfight in my back seat, I tried to get him to do something. They were acting out and both of them were bigger than me. I could no longer handle them and I finally left when I felt my kids were going to follow down that path as well. They were/are full of anger. Their mom abandoned them, their dad was a workaholic that wasn't very involved, and I wasn't their step mom and being 28 years old with six kids (four which were bigger than me) and I was in over my head. When I left, they were 13 & 15 and their dad never got them help or stepped up. He got remarried and had two more kids with his new wife. His new wife doesn't want his kids around. There is a part of me that feels like I should have stayed and toughed it out and maybe I could have gotten them help but without their dad's help and with other children, I really didn't feel I had a choice at the time. Their dad wanted me to stay and begged me to come back. He didn't want to parent his kids but I was almost 30 and at the time, felt like I had lost my 20's with someone that didn't really love me. It was selfish of me and I admit that. It was easier to stay when they were little and I was taking them to boy/girl scouts, little league, birthday parties, camping and dance class. I wasn't prepared to raise six teenagers (some with anger issues) all by myself at the age of 28-29. and I guess it's something I've learned from and something I'll always think about and wonder if I did the right thing.

you said you left because when you were very sick he didnot even show up at the hospital and that's when you knew he didnot really love you. You also realized he had no interest in ever marrying you. Now you have a different story. In fact you had number of different stories why you stayed and why you left. And now it turns out that for 4 years you just stayed for kids and slept in a different room. And then he begged you to come back. Is that a final version? Uhhh..Ok...

It really doesnot matter why we stay with men or why we leave. Nobody is judging that, women do stay with unfit men for too long.

But you repeatedly insist on knowing how to raise children while your former SKs that you raised were troubled and your own kids that you raised were or are troubled, and new SD that you insist you raised sounds troubled. So maybe all of us can conclude that no one knows everything and no one is perfect. As your SD's mom is not ideal, you are not either. You do not know all the answers.

I moved in with him in 1991. At the end of 1994, I had an ectopic pregnancy that nearly ruptured and when he made me drive myself to the hospital, in my heart I knew it was over. I stayed until the end of 1998. He tried to get me to come back in 1999-2000 when he met his new wife. He married her in 2001.

I've never insisted that I know it all. I have said that I have more insight than someone that hasn't raised kids. I have taken classes. I have learned from past mistakes. I've never claimed to be perfect or that I have all the answers.

"I've never claimed to be perfect or that I have all the answers."

You could have fooled me.

As you know, I have raised six kids, some of whom are older than your three. Some of my children are out on their own and they are very successful. I have "taken classes" in psychology, too. I have quite an extensive knowledge of learning disabilities, two advanced degrees, and I am considerably older than you. You have not, in the past, displayed wonderful taste in men, yet you criticize how I relate to my husband. Come back after you have been married for a couple of decades, and maybe I will value your advice more.

Tom Lehrer said in one of his satires that psychiatrists are people who make a living helping people who are happier than they are. I think social workers often fit that description as well.

I don't think iammommy is a social worker, she said she is process server. And she worked in social services which does not mean she actually is a social worker. You do have to have Master's Degree and be certified.

I mean seriously you had 3 children from different men none of whom was or is involved with your children and none of whom you were married to, it is rather extreme case of lack of responsibility. You lived with a man who had no interest neither in you nor in his kids, you raised his kds who turned out to be troubled. Your kids had no rules and no proper unbringing or education until you got married and started reenforcing the rules when kids are already grown. Your life seems to be getting on track now but it really is too early to declare you an expert on relationships or raising kids. It is too early to say that you have learned from mistakes. Honestly I consider your life story an example of what not to do and how not to live your life. Not the other way around.

Nobody is perfect but when you attempt to teach something what you are not qualified to teach, it is annoying.

I offer my opinion. I offer what I've learned from past mistakes (yes, I've admitted all of them and unlike yourselves, I have shown my face and who I am) and I have never claimed to have all the answers. (where do you get that?) and I'm not here to teach anyone anything. (Did I offer classes?) I have suggested that some should consider taking classes but pretty sure I didn't offer to teach them.

theotherside, I don't really care how you relate to your ex husband (you again referred to him as your husband, but that's not MY problem) I may have had poor taste in my relationship choices in the past and each time, I walked away with a little more knowledge. I've never pined away for someone that doesn't love me so I wouldn't know what that feels like. Perhaps, if I thought so little of myself that I would take back one of my ex's after he left me alone to raise a child of his, but that would never happen. It's obvious you know NOTHING about ME as a person and would like to assume that I'm not happy.

My advice is not for you theotherside. You are NOT a step parent. My advice is simply my opinion and anyone that reads it can say "yeah, that makes sense" or "No, she's nuts" but I really would not insult anyone's intelligence to think that this is the place to go for solid, professional, life changing advice. If you are here for THAT, you should go see a counselor or therapist. Even watching Dr. Phil would be better than using this site as a place to get all your answers to serious problems.

When the two of you are willing to give everyone YOUR life story, including the things you've done wrong, in vivid detail so YOU can be judged the way you are judging me, then maybe I could give a rats a$$ what you think.

Success means different things to different people so your children's "success" may not be the same as mine. and who is to define what a "proper" upbringing or education? YOU? How judgmental is THAT?

Ok fine, so it's not ok for Ima to sit and tell everyone what she learned from the mistakes of her past, and advise us on how to avoid that pain, but it's ok for you to sit an attack someone for doing so when you've never been there? Who are you to judge anyone? Who are you to say that someone is irresponsible?

If I were to say that you were irresponsible for allowing your marriage to fall to crap and that you have no right to sit an preach about how you raised your ONE lone child that's not even a step, I would be just as out of line and as wrong as you are.

Honestly fine, people come to this forum for advice, not to be cut down like a dog in the street. You, KKNY, and TOS should be ashamed of yourselves for bombarding women who are already hurting with your lines of malicious bullsh!t.

I'm sorry Ima. Not everyone thinks like they do. Thank you for the advice and wisdom you've shared with us. It is sincerely appreciated.

I suggest that to prevent the outrageous and repetitive attacks on ourselves we ignore the three of them. I personally am tired of seeing all of us suffer a little more for their general lack of compassion for humanity and SM's who care about their SK's. We come here for support, the occasional laugh, and the advice. We don't come here to end up p!ssed off and confused. We deserve more than that.

Blessed Be all.

I shared a LOT about myself and my family and my personal life. Do you want me to make up stories about something I didn't do? I am sorry I have no scary stories to share.

We've all shared a lot about our families, and continue to do so. However, I do not see the point in sitting there grinding on a point that you don't have a clue on. You haven't seen the things some of us have, or watched a child go from happy to devastated because her mom said something she shouldn't have. You've never had to walk the thin line between caring and protecting, or BM and SM. We walk it daily.

I'd rather you not make up stories, but I would prefer that you take into consideration how other people feel to hear a birth mother sit there and tell them that doing everything they can to save a child from God knows what isn't good enough. Back off. Goodness. It's almost Christmas and you'd think that we've all landed in a pit of piranhas.

We all understand how tough being a single mother is, a lot of us have been there ourselves, now we're coming here trying to get advice, or vent about things that we're trying not to let affect our families. I personally don't need you or the other two to tell me what kind of a mother I am. My kids say it all when they laugh or tell me they love me.

I'm glad you and your daughter have a great relationship, congratulations she sounds like a wonderful girl and someone you can be proud of, but fine, we're not starting from scratch here (birth). Most of us are coming in on 8+ and some of these kids are damaged, some of us damaged, and some of the kids are just monsters because BP's let it happen. This is our bouncing wall. This is some of our sanity.

of course you have to deal with a lot and it sounds like most dads are not that involved or are, as iammommy described, incompetent so it is all on your shoulders. My BF's kids are grown and not troubled and I am not married. So of course I cannot compare my situation to yours. But what is annoying is when SM insist that she knows better than BM or BD how to raise SKs just because she raised her own. But when you look at how she raised her own kids, then it is not that perfect. Or even worse! Or if she assumes that because I raised one kid but she raised three, she is a better expert on parenting. This makes no sense. There are a lot of people with 6-7 kids and all of them are in jail. So are they better experts than me with one kid? Lack of logic. Or when she describes that BM used to be on 50/50% schedule and now on every weekend schedule and still she is nonexistant mother who abandoned her child. It makes no sense!

When did I say all dads are incompetent? I said if they don't have all the answers and they are married, of course they will look to the wife/GF for input on things. and if you are inferring that I think I know better than BM on raising her child, then you haven't read my posts. I said I have MY way of doing things and she has hers. When SD is with me, I make the decision on some things and her mom decides those things when she's over there. I'm not going to have BM dictate to me how to dress her child, what to feed her child, how to enforce the rules in out home, what tv shows or movies I let her watch, etc. DH decides those things for his daughter. If he decides to make me decision maker in our home, that's HIS DECISION. I don't agree with BM's way of doing things, she may not agree with mine, but that's too bad for both of us. If she wants to do it her way all the time, she shouldn't have left. I'm not making decisions about surgery or where to send her to school. I'm handling the day to day running of MY house.

and what I did say about your 1 child vs. 3, was that all kids are different and if you got one that is good and the methods you used may be what worked for her. I have three and they are all different. I have never met two kids that were exactly the same, that's common sense... not me claiming to be an expert.

And I have not called my SD's mom nonexistent. She has abandoned her daughter, if not physically, then emotionally. She went from every other week with phone calls all the time to three weekends a month with no phone calls. In the three months she has had this new arrangement, she has gone from having her at 2pm Friday until 6pm Sunday to getting her late (as late as 9:30pm Friday and having us pick her up as early as noon on Sunday). She has only had a couple of "full" visits. And yes, I am very critical of her cutting her time with her daughter short because I am the one that has to hear the child crying and I am the one that has to deal with it. Yes, my husband hears it too and he also deals with it but if you think that when you are married and living in the same house that only one of you is going to be affected by these things, then you are sadly mistaken. Am I wrong to care about this child because she's not "MINE"? If so, then I guess I'm wrong then. If she were MY child, I would spend every minute I could with her if she couldn't live with me. If her mom had been doing this from the time I entered the picture, then I would have known what I was getting into. She came across as a very loving, involved and good mom. I don't understand how a mother could go from one extreme (being very involved) to another (abandoning both of her daughters) just because she met some guy. She hasn't even picked up SD's half sister for weeks. As a mother, I don't get it and you all are mom's and defend her just because she's the bio mom, so your opinions on parenting don't impress me and I really don't care what you think.

It makes no sense that the three of you spend your time looking for things in other people's responses to the OP and criticize them. Why don't you offer useful advice to the OP instead of dragging on about things that have nothing to do with the OP. If there is such a burning desire to tell me that I'm wrong or you disagree with me, start a new thread. It's not fair to the OP that every single thread gets pulled into another topic of petty argument over my opinions vs. yours.

And once again if you would be her mother you would be so much better than her real mother....you owuld do this and would do that..same old

I don't think Ima meant that BM totally abandoned her, but that she sees her when she wants, ditches her when she wants, and offers no help in raising the child, just expects someone else to handle it and complains about the way it's done. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I interpreted it. BM doesnt want to do it, let someone else who gives a hoot do it, but Oh, thatÂs not how I wanted it done. ItÂs not a fun situation.

In ImaÂs situation, BM did leave for a long time for her BF, and abruptly came back into SDÂs life and expected everything to go back to the way it was. As a mom yourself IÂm sure it would be hard for you as a parent to see your child hurt so badly the first time and then watch someone turn her inside out slowly. YouÂd want to do everything in your power to protect her. ThatÂs how we feel too. You canÂt step up and be a mom figure without feeling something for the child. IÂm sure you could, but I donÂt think there are many actual "parents" out there who could.

I agree with you though, incompetence drives me insane, and it grates that anyone, SM or SF thinks they know more than the child's parents that are there and involved, but at the same time, it grates when BM/BD step out of child's life and leave it all to BM, or they essentially throw the child away to someone else to raise and tell them to handle it and figure out how to straighten her up (like my SD's BM did). It makes me angry that people throw their children away like that and let a stranger be a primary parent.

I know how tough it is with two sets of parents. At one home you have one set of rules, and at the other another, then add school and all the Grandmothers in there and it's enough to cross their little eyes for them. All those rules! They still have to follow them though because I don't think many people are going to sit there and make extremely unreasonable demands of a child. Some will, but most won't. In your house though the child should mind the rules of your house, not of BM's or GM's or the dog's rules, yours that everyone else follows.

I don't agree with letting your SK run crazy in the house, BM doesnÂt have a problem with it. Who is right?

Personally I hate being the one that has to say "Is your room clean?" because to be honest, I don't think there are many dads out there that notice clutter in the corners or dustbunnies. I don't want to make all the decisions and I'm sure the rest of us don't either. We'd like to be the fun SM sometimes.

That is YOUR interpretation.

I said I would spend every minute with my child that I can. I didn't say that I was better or worse. That's what I would do. I think that there are some parents that do their child a favor by staying out of their lives, if their life is so messed up that coming around is bad for the child. I even think parents that stay away because they don't want to bring their cr@p around their kids, are better parents than those that force the kids to be around drugs or domestic violence. Some just know the child is better off without "their" problems.

I don't think she's a bad mom (even if I don't agree with the way she does things), I think she's hurting her child by not spending as much time as she can with her. That's based upon my witnessing the child crying and I'm the one taking the child to a counselor (and paying for it) every week so she can deal with how she feels about what her mom has done.

That is my opinion. You may have a different opinion. Like I said, anyone can take it or leave it. Unless you have been in the situation of consoling a crying child that isn't yours because she can't understand why her mom doesn't see her all the time any more and all her mom ever talks about is her new BF (& his kids that spend more time with them) and you know that she CAN spend more time if she wants, but chooses not to, then give me your opinion on THAT.

She hasn't just lost the time with her mom, she's lost her ability to be with her sister because she hasn't seen her sister since Thanksgiving.

I was responding to finedreams with my last message

But you got it right in your first paragraph "I don't think Ima meant that BM totally abandoned her, but that she sees her when she wants, ditches her when she wants, and offers no help in raising the child, just expects someone else to handle it and complains about the way it's done. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I interpreted it. BM doesnt want to do it, let someone else who gives a hoot do it, but Oh, thats not how I wanted it done. Its not a fun situation."

BM and DH shared 50/50 up until August. They had a huge custody battle with a trial on August 7th. They both wanted primary custody. BM kept threatening to take SD away from DH and he wanted her to live here. BM was living in her moms house and sharing a bedroom with both her daughters and it came out in court that she'd had her former BF stay over & SD said she saw them in bed doing stuff but didn't get too specific. and in our house, she had her own room. The court kept the 50/50 arrangement because on the day of court, BM didn't have a BF and was warned against having BF's sleep over. (of course, an hour after court, she was out on a date with a different guy than the one she's with now) DH picked up SD for his week on August 31 and on September 6 when BM was supposed to get her for her week, she calls to tell us she's already moved and living with new BF in another county. She didn't even let him know she was going to move and then expected him to tell their DD. She signed over full custody and now sees her the first three weekends of the month. She had originally told us she was taking her other DD since she has full custody of her, but instead, left her DD living with grandma. Yet, she still collects CS for her and lives off that. Grandma supports her other DD. BM doesn't work and there's really no reason for her to not see or call her DD's more, except she seems to have completely lost interest. She does call to complain that "SM is NOT her mom" whenever I do things with SD, but her calls come after SD is asleep.

I still don't get it. So every weekend is not enough. i agree it is not. But what are the options? 50/50 usually is very stressful for children, dragging them from house to house. One parent having custody usually works better. If mom gets full custody, then she will be complaining that dad abandoned DD and child will be crying that dad does not spend enough time with her. No matter how you put it one of the parents is not going to spend enough time. The only option is for parents to live in the same household. Would you be OK if they get back together?

Now you are saying that mom wanted full custody and they both fought for it, he won. So why complaining now? His living arrangements were better plus he was married, of course he won. he is CP. Of course he spends more time than NCP, or in your case he has a wife who spends more time with a kid.
Most people would consider NCP father, who spends every weekend with kids, pretty involved parent. So how is it different with a woman? Or because she is BM and your DH's X she just must be judged by a different standard.

It's not that every weekend (or three of four) is not enough, I think the problem is the inconsistency.

The issue is not that she only sees her daughter on weekends - it appears to be that she waltzes in and out of a little girl's life with showing that she thought about this may be affecting the girl. And that she doesn't want to do the parenting herself, but sees fit to complain when it's not done to her liking.

In my mind, if she was reliably picking her DD up on Friday afternoons and returning her to Dad's on Sunday evening (unless it was an emergency or something had been worked out in advance to allow for a family birthday party etc) then three weekends a month would be fine. What I have a problem with is that Ima's SD is constantly let down by her mom's inability to make a firm commitment to her daughters or even to a simple schedule.

(and yes, if a dad was acting that way, I'd have a problem with that too)

In fact, my brother has his 4yo DD for ~4 days EOW. He's usually on time for pickup and dropoff, but once in awhile he used to be late without giving them advanced warning (he drives truck, so sometimes his work keeps him on the road a few extra hours or overnight). I saw how upset his daughter was one weekend (she was 3 at the time) when didn't call in the morning to let them know he'd be about three hours late for pickup, and she waited and waited. I gave him heck for it!
He smartened up when he realized that waiting and wondering 'if Daddy's really coming' hurt her feelings.

Agreed Ceph. It doesn't matter which parent does that. My ExH did that a few times until my son decided that if dad showed up late, he wouldn't go. ExH showed up late, DS told him that he didn't want to go anymore, sorry. I don't particularly agree with it, but ExH wised up.

If DH wanted her back, I would step aside. I love him very much but if they could be a family, that is more important.

She made a decision to move three counties away on the spur of the moment for some guy she had known for about a week or two. She knew she has two daughters and moving that far would have an impact on them. I won't say she doesn't care because I don't know if she does, but it didn't stop her from leaving. There are lots of things she could have done that wouldn't have made it so hard for her daughter, like telling her first.

That was her choice to do what she did and while I don't agree with it, she's got to live with it. And as such, she does not have the right to call me up and tell me that she doesn't like some of the things that I do in my home, like giving her daughter milk instead of soda. or making her wear a turtle neck instead of tank top. It is her child but it's none of her business what we decide in our home. If she feels it's "harmful" to her daughter, then yes, she has every right to say something. but her complaints are over the territory of me doing anything for her daughter when SHE put me in the position to do those things. I'm sure when she left, she knew DH wasn't going to be home after school because he's worked the same job for 20+ years, and she knows his hours.

"Now you are saying that mom wanted full custody and they both fought for it, he won"

He didn't WIN. The court simply made an order for 50/50 on paper (so neither got what they wanted in court) because prior to that, there was NOTHING on paper. Three weeks after that, she gave him full custody.

and she gave her to DH after telling her for months that daddy was trying to take her away from mommy that she would never let that happen. During the court proceedings, she repeatedly asked SD where she wanted to live. (which I feel is unfair to ask a child to choose when they love both)

So does dad want custody or he wants to give it up? Because if he got custody and now complains that BM only sees her three weekends a month(which is btw a normal NCP arrangement), then what does he really want? Not what you want, but the father.

If mom for whatever reaosn doesn't let your SD to see her sister, it is fixable. She is too young to call grandma herself. But DH can call his XMIL and say: hey DD wants to see her sister. When can we arrange that? If DH has no relationship with XMIL, then maybe DD can be dropped off and then picked up. It is her grandma after all. Doesn't she see grandma and isn't her sister there? Well let's assume SD never sees grandma, then DH can give grandma a call and arrange to see the sister. Does she live far away? How far? If she lives very far away then maybe it is not realistic to see her that often. A lot of people live far from each other, it is not always possible to see them as much as you'd like.

He doesn't want to give up custody, and he doesn't complain about the number of weekends. It's the inconsistency...

It's about the phone call we get every week on Thursday night or Friday morning (always last minute) to tell us she won't be getting SD on time. She's supposed to be here at 2pm and pick her up from the school. At first, she would come around 3:30 or 4. Then it got later, after 8 (which now she brings her new BF with her to our house when she was getting her at the school by herself which we thought would eliminate some problems). SD never knows for sure what time she's getting picked up. She's even cancels the visit completely without giving us a reason. There is a pattern that when her BF has his kids, those are the weekends she has canceled. (he has his kids everyother weekend). We transport SD home on Sundays and we usually get a phone call or text that she's going to be at grandma's house, instead of her new house. The first few times, she did that, SD said her mom left in the morning to go back to BF's house and left her with Grandma. (and this grandma isn't very close to SD, they don't really get along. She's preferential to the older daughter) Now, BM changed our pick up time to 4 instead of 6 all the time. She does what is convenient for her without considering that it upsets her daughter. That's our complaint. That SD is very excited to spend time with her mom and mom constantly disappointing her by being late and leaving early. Sure, her mom does better than a lot of other NCP parents out there that don't see their kids, but tell that to the 8 yr. old and it's not going to make her feel any better about how SHE feels. You are right, it's not about what I want or what DH wants. It's about what BM wants and SD wants. and they apparently want different things, which is upsetting to SD.

and it would be different if she worked or had some other reason for doing this, other than she feels like it.

As for her sister, she lives an hour away from us. We've offered to take her for the day (grandma won't keep SD for the day. In fact, when BM went to Texas for a month last year, we kept SD while grandma kept SD's sister and when DH and BM broke up, BM moved back with her mom and SD stayed living with DH until BM finally convinced her mom to let her have SD stay there every other week. SD doesn't like her grandma much because she treats her differently.) and grandma says she works until 6 (SD's sister is currently a latchkey) and never gets back to us on it. We dropped it because we figured BM was getting both girls but SD says she hasn't seen her sister since Thanksgiving.

Ima, I think Finedreams is having a bad day. Don't get worked up about her not accepting your point. She seems to be in an unaccepting sort of mood today (see Cindy's thread if you would like more evidence of this).
Other people here see what the problem is with your SD's mom, so don't worry.

I realize that BM is irresponsible. I have hard time tolerating such irresponsibility like changing pick up time. I suspect she is not malicious though. Some people are like that. My X used to do that and actually still does but DD is older now. He is not doing it maliciously though, i know for sure it is not because he wants to hurt others or because he is bad father, not at all. Just how he is-forgets about stuff all the time or promises 5 different people the same thing just to be nice but then can't follow it. I think BM is just this way. And what's up with making grandma raising her kid? One thing is when child is with her father....

I guess all one can learn from that is to not end up in realtionships with people like that. Too much stress. I doubt you can change it though.

"Come back after you have been married for a couple of decades, and maybe I will value your advice more."

TOS should come back after she has been SUCCESSFULLY married for a couple of decades, and then maybe people will be willing to listen to her "contributions" to this site. Until then, I suggest that those of us who are truly here to support each other should place her and her cohort firmly on an "Ignore" setting.

I WAS married successfully for about two decades. Saying my marriage was not successful just because it ended after over twenty years is like saying Sears was not a successful business because Kmart bought them out after they had been in business for over 100 years.

TOS - maybe you and your ex should have moved to Canada - I think Sears is still going strong here.

Definition of Marital Success:
"Marital success is measured in terms of marital stability and marital happiness. Stability refers to how long the spouses have been married and how permanent they view their marriage, whereas marital happiness refers to more subjective aspects of the relationship."

I guess if you want to compare your marriage to a business you can. I don't think they are comparable, but that's just my opinion.

You can have a successful business for a hundred years and when it goes under, it's no longer successful. An unhappy marriage is not successful, regardless of how many years it exists. In fact, I would think a long, unhappy marriage is a failure, even if they stay together. (but that's just in my book)

ceph,

There are still Sears here, too, but they are now owned by KMart. Sears went into bankruptcy proceedings a few years ago in the U.S.

I didn't notice a citation for your definition of marital success, imamommy.

According to the stability part of the definition, my marriage certainly was - twenty years is a long time in my book. We both viewed our marriage as permanent - after my exH left, he said that as of a few months previous to that, he had not planned to leave. I was happy; my husband seemed happy; and each and everyone of my kids had absolutely no idea that anything was wrong.

And I think that a business that has survived for 100 years is pretty successful. If Mr. Sears or Mr. Roebuck (I assume they were men, but maybe not) had died just after the bankruptcy proceedings, it would be inappropriate for his obituary to say that they founded a successful business?

Does that mean that if suffer from Alzheimers and are miserable for a couple of years before you die, after 80 years of a happy and productive life, your life was not a success.

I guess this is what people view as a success -

A marriage lasting now about one year, after having 3 children out of wedlock (different fathers), one long term GF relationship. Ima I think some of your perspective comes from such a tough start that your present marriage represents an improvement .

From Ima
I am bio mom
My Son-21 next month; The circumstances of his conception are too hard to talk about and I will leave it as I never had a relationship with his father. He met him when he was 4 and the court gave him visitation. He exercised it (I believe to torment me) until my son was 12, when he just ended all contact. My son had a step mom that, as far as my son says, treated him well. She treated me terribly. Both have since done time in prison and I don't have any contact with them. My son's relationship with them is up to him. I stay out of it. My son just moved back home with us to get his life on track.

My Son-18 I dated his father (we worked together) and he stopped dating me before I found out I was pregnant. His father has never been a part of his life. Due to legal issues, parentage was just determined in November. (we are awaiting a court ruling on back child support) My son finished HS a year early thanks to homeschooling & in his 2nd year in college. He lives with us full time;

My Daughter-17 Her father stepped in when I was left pregnant with my son. He was a friend from high school that wanted to "take care of me" but within a few months of my son's birth, he split (got another girl pregnant too), leaving me pregnant as well. He disappeared and we just found him a couple of years ago, living in Texas. He's got over 8 kids out there and not supporting any of them. I tried to get him to see his daughter & would give up the arrears he owes but he left the state. She is a senior being home schooled. She also helps care for my step mom when I can't. I had a tubal ligation after she was born.

I was a live in girl friend
I had a 7 year relationship where I raised my ex's three children (through grade school years). We didn't have any children, but I had an ectopic pregnancy with him. When he made me drive myself to the hospital, I knew it was over and I left him. The experience taught me about raising someone else's children. His ex wife was not involved at all.

I was a single parent
For about 6 years, before I met my husband. I was the sole financial support for three teens and I let rules slide and was inconsistent. It wasn't working for us. (it was when I was a single parent, that I nearly died. I had decided before I got ill, I would wait until my kids were grown to get married. I didn't want them to have to deal with a step dad telling them what to do. However, it wasn't a stable situation for any of us and I decided that I wanted to have a family situation, for them as much as for me. I think they needed more stability and structure. I needed adult companionship and help in creating stability & structure.) As single parents, we tend to talk to our kids about adult issues or our problems and we should really have adult friends or companions for that.

I am married (my husband is also 38) for a year, together three years (my first marriage, his first "legal" one: He was "married" for a year but found out the license was never filed with the clerk) He got together with his daughter's mom shortly after his "marriage" ended and she got pregnant right away. He never married her because she's still married to her first husband (Divorce pending for 11 years)

LMBO!
Sears is part of a STEPFAMILY!
http://www.wikinvest.com/stock/Sears_Holdings_(SHLD)

My read of all this is that Lampert bought KMart in 2002 and Sears in 2004. Neither KMart or Sears were doing well, and while they aren't doing fantastic now either, they aren't ~losing~ money anymore.
Two separate retail families have joined into one blended family and seem to be benefiting from it! Their new situation isn't perfect, but they've helped each other out in a lot of ways - just like many of the stepfamilies here!

*wipes tears*
I laughed so hard I scared the cat.

(This is why part of me would be a little sad if you guys managed to run TOS out of town)

Ceph - you just made my evening. Thanks for the laugh!!

kkny: can you "quote" me saying I'm (or even my life is) a success? (I may have said my business is successful, and so far it has. That doesn't mean it won't fail in the future.

TOS has repeatedly stated her marriage was successful. It wasn't. End of story!

and Ceph, High five!!!!