I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. In the past month, I have felt like I had to defend my life, background and history because I have shared my opinions, beliefs and advice to other step parents. Those that don't like my advice or opinions have asked for my history and then tried to beat me up with it because it doesn't meet their idea of "qualification". I didn't know we had to have a degree or decades of marriage under our belt to have an opinion on stepfamily issues. My opinions are just that.

When I first came here, I would read a thread and there was so much mud being slung, I started skipping to the bottom and just responding to the OP. Then I got attacked because other information had been revealed within the thread that I guess I should have read. I started out with the position that a lot of step family problems are caused by conflict between the adults that are acting like children. I've said so many times that they need to grow up and think of the harm they are doing to the children that have to live with the conflict. But, I was sucked right into it here. I ignored my own advice and was sucked into the conflict with the so called "bio mom" representatives. They have made me appreciate my step daughter's mom, animosity and all. So, I guess they have done some good here.

I appreciate your apology and would like to say that I can totally understand how you feel. Even my husband has said that I am wasting my time on here. I did come here to meet other step parents that are going through blending a family. I didn't come here to "bash" anyone and yes, I do have strong opinions on some things, but I try to keep an open mind and realize that everyone comes from a different background, even though some of our issues are common. In my heart, it's the children that suffer when the adults do the wrong thing.

I know you said you aren't going to respond but I hope you at least read this. Good luck with your family.

For many of us SMs that do get tired of the bashing (still haven't figured out why in the world some of these people are even on this board other than to bash the SMs that are here for help and advice); there are other forums specifically for Stepparents that are wonderful. I will not post any names of those boards here for fear that some of the negative people will then focus on those boards as well.

Do you realize that the argument (or discussion if you prefer) that prompted this post was between plasticgarden and two other STEPMOTHERS? That the person who (unfairly, in my opinion) called plasticgarden "mean-spirited" was a stepmother? That plasticgarden, in her post above, said,

"You are either a step parent who hates your step child (with a few exceptions like cawefecup who does a lot for her step kids)or your a bio parent who hates the step parent."

It is unfair to ignore plasticgarden's criticism of the step parents who hate their children, and focus only on the second half of that sentence.

If stepparents are really coming here for advice on helping everyone get along, there would not be the support for the step parents who clearly, often in so many words, hate their stepchildren.

There are plenty of better boards out there.

But you gotta admit, this one is kinda like watching a train wreck....LOL I wouldn't come here for advice on a bet because unfortunately it has become sort of an "us against them" situation.

I am a stepmother, but I find myself neither attracted to the bio-mothers' nor the other stepmothers' views most often displayed here. I think that my particular point of view gets lost in the confrontational language used here.

I hope somebody somewhere gets something out of it, but it sure isn't me....

I have gotten a lot out of this board. That is not sarcastic. I see various SMs who, IMHO, can overstep boundaries, hate stepchildren, see marriage first (and children at the back of the caboose), see stepchilden as not deserving anything from dad, the minute they hit 18 (some 21) and/or wish dad never had a family before she met him.

This does influence me -- not to trust Dads GF (not that either DD or I trusted her as we now realize she had been having an affair with Dad/X).

All the talk about many adults can love a child -- I have a question -- How do I differentiate Dads GF trying to reach out to child out of love, and GF reaching out because she is trying to convince Dad that she (GF) should have a place in will, as she will take care of DD? I think he has come to question this. But does anyone have thoughts?

KKNY -- you are precisely why people hate coming here -- if you suspect that the GF is trying to edge your kid out of the Will, why don't you go to a forum that is with other biomoms trying to determine who to ensure their children are considered in these situations.

Don't go to a stepfamily forum and try to stir up the wasps nest. If you truly wanted to "learn" about these things, you would talk to others who have successfully made it through what you are trying to deal with..........

So you have no advice, OK.

As to SMs who take only advice from other SMs, I think they are likely to end up with one sided advice.

My point was... if you are not part of a stepfamily why are you even here and why are you criticizing those that are part of stepfamilies and who are trying to make it work? Again, as has been mentioned before... this forum is a STEPFAMILY FORUM.

Because kkny's child and my children (half of them, anyway) are too young to post on this forum, if they were interested.

I realize that kkny's ex-husband is not married to his gf, but there are a lot of posters here who are just living with the father in question.

Because getting a glimpse into the thought processes of stepmothers (and occasional nitpicking, angry stepfathers), is informative.

Because a lot of the stepparents here are NOT trying to make anything work. A number of them just want to make the stepchildren and the ex-wife disappear.

Because stepmothers SHOULD be interested in reading the viewpoint of the biological mothers. Unless of course all they want is affirmation.

Hmmm KKNY or TOS want to give advice on step parenting????? OMG, I was told how unqualified I am to have an opinion on marriage because I've only been married a year. WOW. What hypocrisy!!

No, Ima on relationships. Like I said, if SMs just want to rely on each other and not listen to mothers, I think their current relationshios are likely to suffer.

My exH has been living with/married to his current wife for about 9 years now - I have quite a bit of experience concerning the effects of her biased treatment of my children.

the issues step parents have, dealing with their ex's and the step children are NOT the same as the issues of the ex dealing with the new step parent. That's comparing apples to oranges.

Perhaps there's a forum out there for ex's.... or maybe one should be started. Then the ex's can discuss how they deal with the new step parent in their child's life.

But this IS a forum for STEPFAMILIES.....

Advice from mothers....hmmmm

One of you has a spineless ex who can't stand up to his wife and let his children go. Who lets her children do basically whatever they want when ever they want and will not tell them otherwise ... unless of course its too tell them about their lying cheating father. Wouldn't want to lie to children. Give the SM in your life a call and take out your frustrations on her and leave the rest of us alone. Hey maybe the 3 of you could have dinner!

The other has a nanny... would rather see her child in a boarding school than with her father. Because so many of us can relate to having a nanny. Sees her ex as wallet for daughter to rely on the rest of her life. Don't have to worry about anything because "daddy said" he would give her the house when she old enough... this is the same man who cheated on his wife ... guess you really can't take him at his word.... but she is entitled to it so hopefully daddy doesn't make any bad investments and end up broke... or better yet marry the gf on the sly and leave his "fortune" to her. But I am sure he is a man of his word. Honesty is the best policy... better than life insurance. If I were you I would be running credit checks and staking out he court house for a secret wedding date.

Yes people post in frustration and come back thinking why did I say that ... but we have all had bad days with kids your own or someone else's. To say otherwise you are just fooling yourself. You have never yelled at the neighbor kid for doing something stupid in your yard?

The difference is the ones who are trying don't deserve to be bashed for trying... most of us just want to hear ... wow that BM's a __________(insert adjective)

...the posters who "hate" get grief from both SM's and BM's .... no debate there.

Whats done is done ... give them the "tools" to fix it and make it right. Telling them how wrong they are doesn't fix it. Try relating something you would try if in that situation. Defending people who are not deserving just makes the two of you look like fools.

And don't give me that line ... well how do I know what your saying is truth... some of the stuff that has happend to me is unbelievable but it happend ... like not feeding her children because she didn't have any clean dishes!!! And I know she had food because I was sending them with care packages so they could eat because she whined so much to them about paying support she couldn't feed them.

I try to empower my SC to stand up for themselves to their mom... and anyone else who might try to manipulate them.

She needs to fix herself but she needs to let her kids be kids. It floors me that she could be that uncaring to her children's feelings and only cares about herself ... I think she gets joy out of having everyone else around her miserable.

Have fun picking apart what I had to say .... just sad you both have chased away so many because you are so bitter.

I wonder how many of them are doing ... vista southern sylvia dcubana laurels lone angelz tamar..to name a few

The only positive thing I have to say is ... You both care more about my SC's well-being more than their own mother does!!

cawfe,

My SD's mom picked her up at 8pm on Friday (she was supposed to get her at 2). She had told DH that she was going to be here at 9:30pm, so I had SD take a shower but BM showed up right after she got out. Her hair was still wet and I didn't want her to leave with wet hair, so i went into the bathroom to blow dry it. Meanwhile, BM is in the livingroom waiting and tells DH that it's not going to hurt her to go out in the cold with wet hair. He tells her that SD gets sick a lot and it won't take long. I dried it and made sure she had a warm outfit & coat.

We picked up SD today (at 4pm instead of 6pm because BM wanted to go back home early. BM was at her mom's house today) When we get there, SD is dressed in Capri pants and tee shirt. It was cold outside and she was dressed for a summer day. She gets in the car and sniffling and coughing all the way home. This is the third time she's come back sick in the last three months.

There are just moms out there that don't seem to care. Or they don't have good parenting skills. She did however give DH a call about an hour after picking up SD on Friday to yell at him for "talking" about baptizing SD. He's Catholic and I guess she's Presbyterian and she was ballistic that he wanted to even think about baptizing her. She told DH that religion follows the mother. DH's parents are practicing Catholics and up until now, neither of them (DH or BM) practice any religion, but we had talked about it. She apparently is more concerned with the religion thing (even though she hasn't taught the daughter anything about it) than her daughter's health.

Although I always try to dress my children appropriately for the weather so they are comfortable, you can not catch cold simply from being cold. Our family (including my exH) lived in a place once where it was horribly, horribly cold all the time - no matter how you were dressed you were never warm in the winter, inside or out - and my kids were the healthiest they have ever been.

Btw, as I am sure my kids would tell you, I do not let them do whatever they want to. They complain about rules regularly, just like all teenagers and children do. I suspect that the age at which they are allowed to date, to wear makeup, etc., is older than the average. However, they are allowed to speak their minds.

If my exH ever threatened to baptize our kids (not that they would allow him to do so), I would be furious, and he would be back in court. Fortunately, he would never do that - in part because he also doesn't believe in forcing kids into a particular religion.

We wish you well plasticgarden. You have added many thoughtful views over the last year. Take care.

Cawfe,

I have an aupair, because I cant be home from work when DD gets home. Excuse me for working. I am not a second wife who gets to stay home.

And if anything happened to me, yes DD would likely have to go to boarding school, becuase dad travels a lot.

My seperation agreement does provide enforceable rights, but yes, would like to nip problems in the bud.

Thank you for making my point theotherside (and confirming what I believe Cawfe implies). and I think it's ironic that you are giving Thurman advice on his problem where the child argues over details. You are the queen of splitting hairs.

It probably wouldn't matter what the circumstances were, I already knew that you would say "it's no big deal" or "I let my kids do that and they're ok". In my opinion, it makes you come across as a very poor mother. One that defends the actions of bad mothers can't be a very good one herself. Of course you can catch a cold or get sick in other ways and I believe that in parts of the country where it gets very cold, the people can adapt because their bodies can create immunities. But if you know your child gets sick easily and you disregard precautions because YOU don't get sick easily... and then the child gets sick, that's not much of a mom. and once again, the child is suffering because of a decision the mom made. Maybe you don't mind if your children suffer. I do. She isn't the one staying home from work to take care of her sick child, I am. She isn't the one paying the doctor bills and medications, I am. She isn't the one that cares, I am. Maybe instead of taking the side of the bio mom, you would be better received if you took the side of the child.

and who said anything about "threatening" to baptize? He is Catholic and his parents talked to him about it. SD wants to learn about the Catholic faith because she goes to church with her grandparents. Children should have the right to learn the religion of both parents. I know some that were brought up in one religion and converted as adults to a totally different one that neither parent practiced. If you ended up back in court over it, unless you were both very religious with very contrasting religions, the court would probably consider it a waste of time. Just like your existence on this forum.

Congratulations, on your perfect children and your perfect marriage. I know it's all perfect except that he's going through depression that's lasted over nine years. That's why he left you. It couldn't be that you argue about anything or everything. It couldn't be that you think you are always right. I'm sure it wasn't YOU. But it struck me as humorous that you said that it bothered you when he kept you out on the porch talking during a snowstorm. I would guess that he'd rather wait on the porch in a snowstorm than either go into your house or have you come into his. Could it be he didn't even want to talk to you?

"All the talk about many adults can love a child -- I have a question -- How do I differentiate Dads GF trying to reach out to child out of love, and GF reaching out because she is trying to convince Dad that she (GF) should have a place in will, as she will take care of DD? I think he has come to question this. But does anyone have thoughts?"

I'm going to assume this is a legitimate question posed because you are concerned about the financial welfare of your child and that you are not jealous of someone else forming a bond with your child.

To be honest, I don't think YOU can differentiate it. I think only your ex can figure that one out. He sees the day-to-day of his relationship and sees firsthand how his GF interacts with his daughter. You hear it secondhand and may miss the subtleties or hear a biased account. So he's really the only one who can determine if his GF truly cares about DD or considers DD an inconvenient obstacle on her way to the pot of gold.

It would be unfair to automatically assume she's a gold-digger using your child as a means to an end. On the other hand, it would be naive to automatically assume that she doesn't care at all, not a single fig, about his money. Let's use me as an example: my BF makes a lot more money than I do and has a lot more savings (I'm a graduate student) but I pay for my own expenses and certainly don't see my BF's son as a way to the chequebook. However, it's nice to know that we won't be sinking in a river of debt when we eventually pool our finances and I like the idea that I'll be able to take as much time off as I would like if my BF and I have children. So, I'm not "after" his money, but I like that we'll be financially stable. Your ex's GF could fall anywhere on the spectrum, but I don't think deciding where she falls is up to you.

DD can also probably make a bit of a decision about GF's intentions. If her dad's GF is sweet-as-pie while he's around, but is rude to DD when he is out of earshot, I hope DD realizes that this isn't something she did, but that GF may not be a real peach.
However, sometimes our impressions of our parents' SOs can be tinted by preconceptions or outside influences... and what could be perceived as ignoring DD when Dad isn't around, could actually be shyness or feeling awkward when interacting with a child she doesn't know all that well.

I doubt you have any legal say in what he chooses to do with his estate, so I guess you just have to cross your fingers that he makes good choices and that GF is with him for the right reasons. A responsible person makes sure that both their children and their partner are cared for in their will, but I don't think anyone is ever automatically entitled to riches, just because they are the offspring/spouse/sibling/parent/etc of someone who is well-off.

I think that if you try to bring it up with him, even though you would have your DD's best interests at heart, it could be seen as meddling and would do more harm than good. I don't know your ex, but many people resent others (even those they were once close to) giving opinions on what they should do with their money. I'd be very wary of broaching this subject!
I suppose my thoughts boil down to that this is out of your hands and you have to hope for that your ex is responsible and wise enough to find a balance.

Thank you for your thoughts ceph. Yes I have no concern re bonding. I think when a SM or potential SM comes into a childs life this late in life and when she is living with a NCP, any bonding is not mommy type bonding but at best more akin to teacher, coach etc.

I did broach finances with GF once with DH, and he was silent. Which means from my experience he was thinking about it and did not disagree. Since that conversation, he has held back from even transferring some property out of joint name (mine and his) into his (which he is entitled to). I think this means he needs time to think about.

He does not pool money with her, and she is not a starving grad student, but rather had a job and quit (or was terminated).

DD tells me that Dads GF makes fun of my looks etc. I just laughed and said tell me something I dont already know.

GF sold her condo when she moved in with him (at height of market, thank god) so she should be all set if she had to move out, or if something happened to him.

Thanks again Ceph.

imamommy,

Once again, you have misinterpreted what I said. My husband did not keep ME out on the porch talking - I was actually inside, and HE was outside. He wanted to talk to me about something - I don't remember what anymore, as it was several years ago. He does hesitate to come in my house - that was the whole point. On one occasion, one of our kids had been injured (not badly, thank goodness), and he actually asked if it was all right to come home with me to check on the child's condition. Of course it was all right. Who would say no under those circumstances? BTW, we don't often argue.

You are the one who said your husband was talking about baptizing the child. That is VERY different from learning about other religions. The church that we used to attend used to take the teens to services at churches of other denominations regularly. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with having a child JOIN the church, especially if both parents and the child are not in agreement. There are lots of reasons I am not Amish (a fondness for electricity being one of them), but I think they are right about their belief in adult baptism.

And you can not catch cold from being cold. Colds are, as everyone knows, a virus. You can get frostbite, but not a cold.

This is funny how many evil biomoms are out there who do not take care of their children. I have no doubts that there certainly are some bad mothers but that many? It is pretty much like every biomom decribed here is so bad as a amother

. The only women who I saw that do not not feed their children or let them get sick are really trashy or are drug addicts.

So question comes in mind do all of your husbands were previously married to all these awful women? Why? I mean I do not find my SO's ex a very pleasant woman, she is rather unpleasant, but she certainly fed the kids and took care of them.
Where did your husbands find all this trash (pardon my language)?

"I mean I do not find my SO's ex a very pleasant woman, she is rather unpleasant, but she certainly fed the kids and took care of them."

Mine's that way too. She feeds and cares for her son. I might not agree with how she does a lot of things, but A__ is certainly not neglected!

Yes, I have to say it is a little unfair. SM or FSM gets to check out entire family beofre marriage. Mom certainly doesnt get to check out FSM. In all fairness, I dont think FSMs, especially younger ones, appreciate family dynamics. Or think they can change it all. I know when I was young, I thought I could change the world.

fine,

my husband was never married to her. He first met her because she was messing around with his room mate. The fling with his room mate ended and a couple of years passed by and he met up with her again (they ran into each other at a store) and she went home with him (I'm guessing he was lonely and she wanted to have drinks) He's not much of a drinker and they ended up in bed. She moved in right away and he let her, so I don't make excuses for that. He didn't really like her as much as she liked him and that's his fault for continuing it. (he might have been on the rebound from his first wife, because it was right after they split up) She got pregnant almost right away and he stayed with her until their daughter was about one. He moved her out (back to her mom's house) when she stole his credit card & charged over $2000 in Mary Kay on it because she was going to sell the stuff. He made a poor choice in that relationship but he's taken responsibility ever since, for his daughter. (and there were other issues, like she bought a ring on QVC and told everyone that it was an engagement ring and she was getting married to him, when he never proposed)

and TOS

I don't think she's the worse mom out there. I once had a client that was 14 when she told me her mom was (and had been since she was 11) prostituting her and her sister out. I've seen many worse parents in my career and in my opinion, it's a bad parent that puts their wants before the needs of the child. The child needs to be kept healthy but the mom wants to take her riding on BF's motorcycle. It wasn't simply that she went out with wet hair and was kept indoors all weekend. And I didn't say she had a cold, I said she is sniffling and coughing. She seems to have more of a sore throat and she's also prone to respiratory problems. But she was out on a motorcycle riding in the cold. She dressed her in summer clothes to send her back. She gets sick easily and mom disregards that. She used to let her get sick and then call Dad to take her to the doctor. She didn't want to pay the co-pay. I don't understand why you are dead set to defend her, Just because she's the bio mom?

and the talk of religion consisted of his parents asking him when he is baptizing SD. He doesn't go to church and he said he didn't know. I'm sure that he would discuss it with her but she hounds SD for information and she told her mom what she heard grandpa saying to dad. My point is that mom is NOT practicing ANY religion and she wants to fight about that, but sees nothing wrong with taking SD out in the cold w/ wet hair, not dressing her in warm clothes during winter, and doesn't think it's a big deal if she gets sick. I had to keep her home from school today and take care of her. And do you see any problem with her cutting the visits short? She has from 2pm Friday until 6pm Sunday. Because it's convenient for her (she doesn't work), she picks her up at 8:00 pm on Friday (with a 2 1/2 drive home) and asks us to pick her up at 4 on Sunday. If I only had my child on weekends, I would use up every minute I could with them. I might even want extra time. I don't understand how you think at all. As a mom, my heart aches for this little girl when she is so disappointed in how her mom is late or cuts the visit short (it's not the first time she's had us pick her up early).

Huh?
Obviously people have the chance to check out their SOs entire family before marriage. It's part of how you decide if you want to marry them. If you marry someone without kids, you check out their parents and siblings. If you marry someone with kids, you check out their ex and children in addition to their parents and siblings. I thought that was a part of why people date before they wed?

I think it's out of line to say that young FSMs don't appreciate family dynamics. I think that having been a child of a two-parent household, then an orphan, then a stepchild, and as a sibling to three, stepsibling to three more, and auntie to four, I appreciate family dynamics far more than most people who have only experienced one family.
I might not agree with how my BF's ex does things, but I realize she gets to make her own decisions. Although, ideally, I would like for her to be nicer to me.
I respect that my BF will always have a relationship with his ex because of his son and think it's good for A__ to see that his mom and dad mostly get along.
I've tried to find out out how I can fit into my BF's relationship with his son, without interfering in it. Any changes I've tried to make have been to help that relationship get stronger and better for them both.
I'm not sure how that equates to that I don't respect family dynamics, but maybe you didn't mean me.

However, I'm sorry to hear you've lost your optimism. Was it part of the divorce settlement?

Religion and wet hair have nothing to do with each other. Why didn't your husband just tell his ex-wife that it was his father who asked about baptism, and he had no intention of having his daughter baptized. End of argument.

I go out all the time with my hair wet. In college, I used to go from the pool to class, and my hair would freeze. Any colds I had in college were not related in time to when I had wet hair. Isn't the kid 8? Can't she say, "I'm cold?" Mine could.

And what does returning her early have to do with either of these topics, our are you just trying to find something the mother does that I would think is awful? My kids would have been overjoyed when they were younger if my H had actually allowed them to visit EOW, even if he picked them up late or returned them early.

No Ceph, I didnt lose optimism, I just prefer to describe myself as realistic.

When it comes to wet hair, I have no patience to dry my hair and I live an hour from work so I consistently leave my house with my hair wet, it is still half wet when i get to work. My daughter always went outside with her hair wet or half wet.

Well this mother does sound irresponsible but then again it is tough to judge...

In some people's eyes imamommy does not look like a good mother. In some people's eyes maybe I am a bad mother. I mean it all depends what you find important and what is your priority. There is more into parenting than clothing and feeding.

Somebody might say that I am not a good mother because I never made my daughter to wash her hands every half an hour. My sister-in-law made her kids to do that up to the obsessiveness. Let me tell you in her opinion it was a sign of being a good housekeeper and a good mother. Well, her kids were always sick because they had no immune system. Mine however did not have any stomach problems ever. Plus everybody always laughed at my nephew because he had this anxiety over hand washing (and still has at 18).

She also believed that people who do not take shoes off in the house and do not wash floors daily jeopardize their children's health. I did not do any of that. She also believed that good mothers do not work two jobs and do not pursue degrees and careers but stay home until children grown. Well she stayed home, I of course didn't. Now I won't go over the results here, but let's put it this way: results of both of our parenting styles are not consistent with her theory what means to be a good mother.

This is my last response to your ignorance.

You obviously didn't comprehend the entire post. She is not his ex wife, they were never married. He was married before he met her and didn't have children with his ex wife.

He didn't stay on the phone with her when she called him up, YELLING at him for the baptizing thing. She has a 2 1/2 hour drive back home and called an hour after leaving. He is smart enough to know that his daughter is there, in the vehicle listening to mom scream at him. Of course, a minute after dad told mom he would talk to her about it later, when SD wasn't there, Mom had SD call dad back. She was crying and saying she was sorry. He told her "nothing to be sorry about. Have a good weekend."

and are you placing the responsibility of a child's health on the child? You were in college, not hardly an 8 year old. Of course a child can say I'm cold, but they don't know the consequences like the adults do. How you raised children is a mystery to me. Some children would rather have fun than be responsible. That's why they have parents! Aren't we here to guide them and protect them? Let's see, you defended her when she let her daughter eat ice cream for breakfast, followed by tuna (which she used to love but can't look at without getting sick now), but you must think because she gave birth, she's a great mom and even if the things she's done, hurt her child, it's okay because she's mom. If her step mom did it, what would you think then? (rhetorical question because you've already proven your answer)

The point about returning her early... you don't want to see the point. I keep forgetting that you are perfect. Of course nothing the mother does is going to make you think she's awful. She's a birth mom, right? (don't answer, the answer is obvious)

Either you are ignorant, or just plain heartless. or this is your passion in life, to try and make others as miserable as you are by causing conflict. No wonder your husband left you.

I think what kkny meant is that if your ex remarries, you cannot check on that person-future SM of your children. If that person is evil and you think it is going to be bad for your kids, you can't say anything. Most of the time you do not even know who the person is going to be, you don't get to check them out and yet your child will have to deal with them.

fine,

I agree with what you are saying but in my opinion, a good mother thinks about what's best for her child before she thinks about what is best for her. In your examples, both mothers with different styles thought about the children first.

I'm not a perfect mom. But I know that if my child gets sick or has health problems, (my oldest son had a heart condition that caused him to get bronchitis and pneumonia when he was small), then you adjust your lifestyle to keep your child safe and healthy. You don't say, well I want to do this and well, she'll be fine because I am fine. That is what I see my SD's mom doing.

When I first met her, she played herself out to be supermom. She said she was president of the PTA and very involved. As time went on, I saw things that didn't add up and found out she wasn't president of the PTA (my husband had taken her word on it) and she was doing her daughter's homework so the daughter could go to taekwondo lessons with her. The mom was into taekwondo and we later found out that she was sleeping with some of the guys there and leaving her kids with her mom so she could go party all the time. She posted pictures on her myspace of the things she was really doing, which was so far away from how she presented herself to DH.

It is just very frustrating for me to be the one to hear her crying and sad, see her being sick, and I really just wish that her mom really was the person she portrayed herself to be. Now we are seeing a side of her even my husband is shocked to see. She fought him tooth and nail to keep 50/50 custody (she was actually trying to get full custody but it stayed 50/50) She promised SD that she would never let her dad take her away from her. Then 3 weeks after the trial, she met her new BF and signed over full custody. She even left her 12 year old daughter, and she has full custody of her. She still collects the child support for the older girl but the girl lives with grandma and grandma is supporting her. Mom pays nothing for either of her girls and keeps the good clothes we send her in and sends her back in summer clothes.

I am sure she loves her kids but that doesn't make her a good mom. I don't agree with how she feeds them or the way they live, but that is up to her. That doesn't affect me. But when it affects me by causing me to miss time from work and her to miss time from school, for me to care for a sick child (when it could have been prevented) or I have to witness her being upset (and I am paying for her counseling for her to deal with being abandoned), then it is upsetting to me. I'm the one that comforts her and sometimes I don't know what to say. I can only keep telling her that her mom loves her, but mom's actions in spending less time with her than she could, contradicts that. She went from having ever other week, to three weekends a month. And she is regularly late, often has us get her early and has canceled altogether. It isn't that I mind, it is actually easier when BM isn't around to deal with, but it's upsetting to my SD and that is more important than how I (or DH) feel.

I agree it's not fair that you have no say in your child's step parent. It has to be trusted that your ex would not allow someone into his life that isn't good for his child(ren). But on the flip side, the ex has no say in your choice of partners. It all comes down to trusting that the parents will do what's best for their child. If they don't, there really isn't anything you can do about it.

and I really didn't know right off what my SD's mom was like. Of course it's a different situation than a lot, they weren't married and their relationship was not long. But she put on a good front. and yes, I know DH should have been more diligent in what she was like but he was always working and like I said, she presents herself very well. (until you start to see the patterns in her behavior)

He was too busy working to know anything about the mother of his child?

Perhaps your husband is a bad father because he makes his daughter go to school where she is exposed to lots of germs. (sarcasm intended). My kids hardly ever got sick when they were homeschooled - even though we saw other kids frequently, they weren't constantly stuck in a small class room with 25 of them.

I find it interesting that you are upset that she would let her daughter go outside with wet hair but are apparently not upset that she let her ride on a motorcycle.

Unusual breakfasts are important to you, but not to me, and not to your SD's mom. Wet hair is not important to finedreams, your SD's mom, or me. Washing hands every half hour and spotless floors are important to finedream's sister-in-law, but not to her (or to me). Cooking food thoroughly is important to me, but my sister eats her eggs runny and probably fed them that way to her kids. There is no way on earth I would ever let my child get on a motorcycle. Other people would not let their kids ride or drive horses. I haven't read anything that your SD's mother does that sounds abusive.

I don't think I am the one in this discussion who always has to be right.

Okay, enough already.

Its sort of pointless to complain about how the other person cares for the child when they are at their house. No two parents are EVER going to agree on every aspect of physical care, and its just so much worse in a stepmom/biomom situation. We, as women, tend to think badly of other women for not physically caring for a child the same way we would do it ourselves.

I wonder how many of us would judge our best friends parenting with the same microscope we judge the stepmother, or the biomother (depending on the case)

I dont worry about ice cream for breakfsst, although its not something regular in our home. I dont worry about wet hair outside, since that is not what causes colds.I do worry about too much tv, or too many video games.I do insist that homework gets done.I would be concerned about a motorcycle depending on who is driving and how old the kid is.

The mother of my stepchildren is most likely against ice cream for breakfast, against motorcycles, but not as worried about tv. She is meticulous about taking the kids to the doctors at the first sign of sniffles. I wait until it appears serious before going to the doctor. Mom grounds kids as her first line of punishement. I ground my children only occasionally, and only for blatant and wilful disobedience. Rules in moms house are listed and inflexible. In my house, everyone gets a say.

Is she a bad parent? no. Am I a bad parent? no. Just different styles for different people.

This is exactly why ... people like plastic and all the others have gone away.

Because every post turns into a _______ contest ...

Who is right?
Who is wrong?

"And you cannot catch cold from being cold. Colds are, as everyone knows, a virus."

I am going to stipulate right up front that I have not thoroughly Googled "common cold." I have not conducted a complete review of existing literature. I am not trained as an epidemiologist....and I am going to offer some thoughts anyway.

I think it is fair to say that when one goes out into cold, freezing weather with wet, damp hair, the body has to work harder to stay warm. In working harder, the body is placed under that now ubiquitous term, "stress." When the body is stressed, the brain releases corticosteroids into the blood stream. These are also more commonly known as "stress hormones (such as cortisol)." These stress hormones can do a number on the immune system, compromising the body's natural defenses, making it easier for those opportunistic, pesky viruses to take hold and make us sick.

So, while going outside into the cold with wet, damp hair will not "cause" someone to come down with a cold, doing so may very well be a factor that contributes to the weakening of the immune system, thereby increasing the probability of falling victim to one of those nasty viruses that is indeed the cause of the cold.

(On a side note, it is also my understanding that the immune systems of infants, toddlers, young children & the elderly are generally more fragile than those of the average college age adult, so it is probably prudent to ensure that the very young and the very old are bundled up and dry before sending them out in a snow storm)

My original message regarding my SD (wet hair & other issues) was prompted by cawfe's comment

"And don't give me that line ... well how do I know what your saying is truth... some of the stuff that has happend to me is unbelievable but it happend ... like not feeding her children because she didn't have any clean dishes!!! And I know she had food because I was sending them with care packages so they could eat because she whined so much to them about paying support she couldn't feed them."

and I was just stating what happened THIS weekend with my SD's mom. (in agreement with cawfe's statement that it happens) and I believe that there ARE bio mom's that "don't seem to care". It is my OPINION that my SD's mom doesn't put her children first. It is backed up by her actions. (ie. abandoning her children for some guy she just met) I agree with you Kathline, that we can't control what the other parent does. But when the results directly affect me, then I am entitled to MY feelings. My heart aches when I am the one holding and comforting HER child because SHE left. I am the one taking time off from work because SHE didn't take precautions DH suggested and that was my point. She can feed her what she likes (and the ice cream for breakfast was only brought up because she came home that day sick and throwing up from it and missed two days from school), she can let her sleep how she likes (ie. on the floor or where ever she finds room) but when she puts her in a bed with two boys that are 9 & 11, DH had a problem with that. As for the wet hair, I don't know if it made SD get sick, but DH told BM that he was concerned about it and she dismissed it. Then SD comes home sick and missed another day at school. (and I really don't need to hear that missing school is not a big deal, she is struggling with it this year and I miss a day at work when I have to stay home to take care of her, so it does matter to me)

I once again got sucked into a feud with TOS because she can't let anyone have an opinion or make a comment without chiming in and I should have just ignored her. I think she likes to stir things up because it's a game to her.

and cawfe, I agree with that. But it isn't a contest. We are supposed to be here to share our opinions and points of view. If my opinion doesn't make sense or isn't what someone else would do, it can be disregarded without telling me how horrible a person I am for feeling that way. I listen to other's opinions and sometimes, I see things differently and if my opinion changes, I have been told "well which is it?" as if we can't change our thoughts.

I didn't come here out of frustration, but to occasionally vent and share my opinion on being a step parent. I took a cooperative parenting class that helped me tremendously in learning how to deal with my SD's mom. There isn't anything we can do about the things she does that are upsetting to her daughter. We deal with those things on a weekly basis. So, for venting, I used to write blogs but SD's mom would read my blog and blow up at DH because I wrote about how I felt. And I came here because this is supposed to be a forum for step families and then I find it is not a safe place to share either. Since coming here, yes my SD's mom has done things that are frustrating, but nothing compares to the frustration of feeling like I have to defend or explain myself to a old, set in her ways, divorced person that has no idea what if feels like to be a step parent. I agree with plasticgarden, that the negativity rubs off and I was a very happy person that enjoys life to the fullest before coming here, and now I have stooped to bickering with someone, who's opinion means nothing to me. I'm ashamed and apologize to everyone here. Like I said, I came here to meet other step parents that are going through the process of blending two families. I even hoped this place would be a fun place but it isn't. So, I wish everyone here well and hope that your families succeed.

My favorite quote

"You've gotta love your children, more than you hate each other."

As far as ex's estates, I don't feel children are entitled to the estate if they are adults when the parents passes away. DH has 2 adult daughters, I have 4 adult children. We are raising DH's now 13 year old grandson. We bought our house 2 years ago, and told all our kids there would probably be no inheritance to worry about. By the time the mortgage is paid, We will be gone or have to sell it to provide end of life care. They are all okay with that as they have worked and taken care of themselves all their lives. They don't owe us and we don't owe them. I certainly wouldn't want any of them to expect a lot of money after we're gone. Since DSGS is still a minor, I would want him taken care of (with a neutral person as administrator since DH's ex knows nothing about being responsible with money and has passed her abilities on to their daughters). For the first time, DSGS's mother has gotten custody of her youngest son, now eight years old. She has never had custody of the oldest 2 boys or even known who their different fathers were, the other child is 14 now and has been in juvenile custody since age 9, so she would probably not be responsible to raise DSGS on her own or handle money for him.

I got your email and tried to respond but it was returned. So here it is and sorry it's gotta be public.

Thank you. I wasn't offended by anything anyone has said, except for some reason, TOS gets under my skin. It isn't that she couldn't offer valuable insight, it's the fact that no matter what anyone might be complaining about or have an opinion on, she is right there to challenge it. I could have said that bio mom made SD dress in a jacket and bundled her up with a blanket and that I thought it was too much and she would have said I was wrong. It doesn't matter what side of the table you are on with her and I shouldn't have let her get to me. I blame myself for that. I can take it if someone doesn't agree and I may try to explain why I have my point and some get it, other's don't and I thought going to a forum would be a good idea. I could see how others handle things and share my experiences, but it's really sad that they don't have anything else to do, other than try to bring others down. Its not that I resent them, I really feel sorry for them. It makes me appreciate that my SD's mom, with all of her faults, isn't as nasty as they are. I have actually begun to have a little respect for KKNY, as she hasn't been very bad, perhaps some of it is sinking in. BTW, neither one of them has ever answered my question of "what do they get out of posting messages or comments that is good for them?" or "How does it help them?" KKNY has sort of answered it but not TOS.

I may continue to browse the boards and occasionally chime in if I must, but I am going to go back to writing blogs. I was looking for an outlet and writing blogs has worked for me. Like I said, the only problem with that is BM reads them and gets mad. When I found the forum, I guess I expected a place to be able to vent over the stupid things that can be frustrating but not really worth doing anything about. Once I get it out, I move on...

I'd be happy to keep in touch with anyone on the board that wants to message me on myspace or use my blog on myspace to share experiences. I think it's a safer place than the boards right now.

Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year too.

Sharon

Sharon,

For every post you find annoying by myself or TOS, there are at least 10 from SMs or FSMs who think that "help" is telling another one that everything they are doing is just hunky dorry.

In the long run, that will be the most damaging.

KKNY

Hey, Ima I am totally in awe of your enthusiasm and intelligence. It is refreshing to me. KKNY, I admire your sense of humor, TOS, I sense you are still in love with your ex. Thurman, HEY you are one of the few men who post on here. Garden and June I hope both of you return.

I am a biomom, my children have a stepmom and I am also a stepmom to adult children. For the most part I have been looking for the ONE thing that would explain the difficulties blended families experience.

I totally like kids, I think they are the most interesting beings on the planet. Doesn't matter if they are "mine" or someone elses. Children are amazing.

For the most part it seems as if we are discussing systemic issues. My children's stepmother and I couldn't be more diametrically opposed in terms of what we think is best for children. I still appreciate her efforts and the positive difference she has brought to their lives. But having said that I still found myself grappling with jealousy, anger and some of the most hateful, irrational feelings a person could have.

It seemed so unfair, and maybe it is unfair, but that is what it is. Life ain't fair.

The discussions I enter into I make every effort to be kind and respectful. I have no problem with people disagreeing on issues, but I take huge exception to people calling other people fat, stupid, clueless and all the rest of it.

It is NOT easy building a blended family. Sure it would be nice if it didn't happen, but it did.

I have a great relationship with my Stepson. I think of him as a totally intelligent, loving, and just great kid. My stepdaughter on the other hand is nothing short of hostile, competitive and nasty to me. So what is the difference? I am asking you.

Why would one of the stepchildren refer to me as a parent and the other one refers to me as Dad's wife. IF it were that I am just a nasty evil stepmother, wouldn't both refer to me as that?

And why do people continue to leave just because the discussion gets difficult? I say hang in there the whole way.

They leave because.... some of us deal with enough crap in the real world ...that if "we" don't have to put up with it we can walk away here .... in the real world ... I cannot walk away from with their mother does/is doing and have to deal with it. And the aftermath of her doings with my SC.

I choose my battles wisely. :)

Because again it turned in a bm & sm battle over one incident rather than the whole picture. We are not "complaining" about the one time BM did something its all the somethings that add up over time.

The question I have asked myself ....do I really care what "they" think of me? The answer is no ...because at the end of the day...they are not here to help my SC deal with their feelings...they don't have to bring them to therapy to deal with their mother.... If my SC's mother cared a 1/4 of what they do for their children ...my SC would be in a much better place.

I was drawn into the bickering along with a few others. Felt the need to defend myself at every turn. But if hubby didn't have an issue with how I was "dealing" with the kids and mom. Then thats all that really mattered to me.

Ima ... I didn't mean you personally .... I meant in general ... and its not just you its all of us basically...

Every post turns into a SM & BM battle and not about the whole post one comment is usually picked apart sideways and twisted around.

I used to post here little bit this summer, then BM went over the deep end and abducted SS - and normal life stopped until we got him back (long, long story - but aren't they all?). Now I mostly just lurk around for anything interesting that people are talking about.

This board is quite a bit tamer than some others. Some have had their moderators kicking members off. I was enjoying this one a bit more over some of the others. Here at least you know who the voices of reason are and who the voices of contention are. Both sides have their place at times.

imamommy - saw your last post about Myspace and wanted to just give an unsolicited warning to be careful about what you put out there - especially if you're putting kids pics and writing about the kids lives. If your BM is sue-happy (again - aren't they all?), she could use it. I burned my BM with hers in the court battle. I'm sure she'll be dumb enough to post again one day, and I'll be there reading, and printing...

Anyway - just be careful what you post! :)