I know how you feel except I married a man with three kids two 8 years old and one 11 year old daughter from the moment we were married she was needy and all attention from her daddy was hers so much that her brothers were afraid to hold hands with their dad because she controlled him, had a emotional hold. My husband was married to me not his daughter. At the time I didn’t understand it was hard for her share her dad but she came between us and sometimes I wonder if that’s what happened with his first wife expect I don’t allow it to ruin our relationship. I thought she was telling the truth for along time. We started a relationship with my step daughter that I thought was honest but manipulated me in believing in her and she would lie about why she was late after school, she was going to her friends house then homework club and hanging out with a boy that I think started this mess or temptations sexual acts in order to be with boy and kiss boys all I know is because I told her couldn’t date until she 16 she disobeyed and did anyways. She was the one who didn’t want anything to do with her mentally, manipulative mother now she’s apparently been communicating with her for two and half years and has told people I abuse her and control her and cage her up. She tells people these things to get attention her mother played on me and her dad that she better and moving out into apartment and she lied she was still in metal home so her daughter has learned and since then taught her brothers steal and lie and now talk back, her brother have intellectual disabilities on top of that which puts more strain on me as step parent but what changed was when I had baby of my own my husband became a husband in since and he started a better commitment then just bending to his daughters will our baby in Since saved our marriage and my husband also had addictions that She got him started on and it changed once Elizabeth was born he became the man I married if he will. Savannah came between us and we got along but it was difficult road. Our love became stronger and My step daughter sought for attention else where by a guy she became involved with in sex texting and they since he has broken up with her twice and is trying again because I finally gave consent for her to date because she sneaking behind our backs and lying and I knew it was matter of time that she would be pregnant because she was desperate to be with him. He’s not a guy I like but I don’t like secrets and my step daughter also tells our bishop I fight with her and I do not. I used to slap her but I stopped doing that when she called the police over in hope her dad would divorce me and she would have his attention again yes I know one believes me because she’s that good at manipulating people in believing she does nothing but I since learned manipulaters know how to push your buttons to send you over edge. I was already being gaslighted by my step son and I don’t know why but I found since then I tested him and found he has a intellectual mild and a behavioral disorder and I have changed emotionally since he started messing with my mind it’s called gaslighting and now since then I had emotional breakdown and teens used that push my buttons. It’s exhausting, it got worse when I was pregnant because I was more emotional and I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted but my pregnancy changed me I was irritable and emotional and I was tired more from being sick and jaylan stealing and throwing tantrums and kicking me but know one believes me because I’m the parent it’s my fault they act this way. When I came into my marriage I was not only a step parent but I was raising kids who were emotionally abused by their mother and foster care influences and also had disabilities I knew not about our boys except one had epilepsy and the other a learning disability. It was a complete mess and I felt I was teaching them at age 3 and Savannah 5 because they never had rules, responsibility ever and making rules was horrifying to them. Jaylan was angel until third year in spring wood he went off some medication for epilepsy that I didn’t know would arise so many unexpected problems he ether had or developed because of this medication he was on for so long. Jaxson always had emotional problems from the start, things happened in foster care and also his childhood that I could tell made him crazy at times. He use to have tantrums everyday and I worried the d.s.f would take them away after their father fought so hard to keep them my step daughter I thought liked me did not because I made rules in the house. She never had rules even her dad cleaned the house when he was home and took care of the dogs and birds which now he hates animals because ex wanted them. His ex was so depressed and ocd and mentally ill he took care of his has much as he could but in since he was like a single father with three kids and his wife he had taken care of. So when I came into the picture and started changing things my step daughter didn’t want us together anymore and in her mind she believed her daddy can do better or that she liked that her daddy only raise them. If Jesse and I didn’t get married he would’ve lost full custody of his kids and it would’ve destroyed him. Jesse was abused emotionally by his ex and there was definitely manipulation going on ether his ex or his daughter. His boys started learning to lie and steal from their sister and it’s been difficult to break so now everyone my step daughter talks to believes I abuse her and control her and don’t give her privacy but she gets plenty of it and so my husband knows I don’t hurt them. He knows they manipulate me and him but we are their parents and I don’t care if they hate me someone needs to love them and teach them and hopefully later they will see. When I think she’s telling the truth I don’t believe her because she’s kept secrets I found out that make me love her but not trust her. p

Hi Domy, I have two, maybe three!, sides on this one. One being I became a stepmom when I married my husband and we have full custody of her. Two, I have two children from a previous marriage who also live in our home along with a baby daughter we had together. There are some, and this is an extreme word, regrets. We got married 5 months after our engagement. That's a big one for me, as I wish I would have waited longer to learn more about step-parenting and wish we would have gotten some very definitive counseling. I know it's been said time and time again, but stepparenting is a hard hard job. In our family, bio-mom doesn't and hasn't seen SD in 4 years, so I don't have to deal directly with her. However, this woman that forfeited the privelege of being a mother due to addictions is on a pedestal here. SD will always have these fantasies of her mom and make them known to me and consistently reassures me that I will never be as good as her "mom". So be prepared that no matter how hard you try and however senseless her daddy may behave, you won't measure up. Secondly, my DH hears my children build up their daddy constantly. Their dad is involved and we see him frequently. We have given him open invitation to come to our home as often as he wishes for the sake of the children, especially birthdays and holidays, but he doesn't accept. BUT my DH is a strong and secure man (emotionally) because if SD's birth mom was around a lot, that'd be a big pill to swallow, having to interact with her. You really cannot be a jealous person to be a good stepparent. So before you make that plunge, ask yourself the really tough questions. And lastly, if you plan on having a child together, you should really get the stepparenting issue down first. Give your soon-to-be SD time to adjust to all the changes. You will be amazed at the difference in your feelings when you have a child of your own and it could hurt SD if you're not careful. Establish that relationship for her security first. I hope I have helped, I wish I would have taken my own advice because it could have saved my family some heartbreak. Good luck to you!

You stated that pregnancy, unlike cancer, is a choice, in response to my question as to whether it would be ok for a man to divorce his wife while his daughter was undergoing chemo. The implication in that statement is that the pregnancy WAS her fault. Of course I am a parent, and I was married for many years. I responded to your post originally because, in response to organic_maria who suggested that the divorce may have deeply affected the girl, you said you did not think that was not the case. Divorce ALWAYS affects children deeply, even in homes where there is a lot of conflict. I do not believe that excellent fathers divorce their spouses while their children are in crisis - no matter what their age or who is responsible. It is very rare that someone needs to leave right this second - unless the father was being physically abused by his wife. I believe that what the girl needed during her pregnancy was parents who were devoting most of their emotional energy toward her, rather than concentrating on a divorce and/or a new relationship. I have yet to meet anyone, no matter who filed, who did not find the process of divorce after a long term marriage to be emotionally draining. I believe that excellent parents do not date while they are still married, even in states like mine where it takes a lot longer than a few months to divorce when you have kids. I believe that excellent parents (and sensible people in general) do not remarry with a matter of months after divorce. I am sure you have read the axiom about 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marriage. There is a lot of truth to that. Not only the parents, but the children also need time to recover before a stepparent is brought into their lives.

I think not showing up to that function shows them a lesson and was the right thing to do. THat is what my dh does all the time with his teen daughter. And says the same things. 'think about it' Your sd are almost adults, very important learning lessons here. For them not to show up at the wedding was wrong on their part to please their mother. They should be smart enough to tell their mother, hey i know your upset dad moved on but she's a nice person, she wont replace you , you will always be my mother, but i'm going to dad's wedding. THey have been toghter for 3 years. Dad did introduce them to new gf, it was BM who cried and was totally against her girls getting to know bm and they refused to have anything to do with gf after mom cried...mmm...can someone say PAS. THose girls were 16 and 19. Old enough to decide what they wanted. They decided to 'not hurt mommy' and so choose to have nothing to do with dads new wife. Completley wrong on those girls part to do that, to satisfiy mom. Completely wrong to do this to their dad who obviously didn't do anything wrong. He dated for almost 3 years before marrying . Heres the clincher...if he moved in with you 3 years ago when his daughter were 16 and 19, they shoudl be 19 and 22 by now. Adults. As a husband he has every right to stand his ground with his daughters. The reason for their rejection of you and his new marriage was completely unfounded. THey rejected you solely because mom cried. Well...its their loss now. THey chose to behave in this manner, then they will have the repricussions of their decisions. The only advice to you i can give, is to keep inviting them. And hope they as adults realize , that getting to know you now, without mom interfering maybe the best thing. There is nothing wrong, disrespectful about meeting someone after they move in. Moving in means its serious. And since when does an adult have to answer to kids to get permission to move into a place with his SO. He introduced his daughter 16 and 19 to his new gf who he just moved into with. Nothing wrong there. There is no disrespect there.! They didn't live with him , they lived with BM. If he had moved into gf house and he had custody of his daughters and didnt' say anything until they moved...heck yah! that would be rude. And those kids got along great with gf that night until mommy cried and disagreed, then they gave her the cold shoulder. WHo is wrong in this? I'm blowing steam..sorry. I've seen this BS way too often with friends and to me enough is enough. Those girls are adults. They will act like adults and respect you as his wife. You didn't do anything wrong. Bm is the one who poisoned them against you and now the girls want to see their dad separately ...dont agree. THey can come , get to know you , honestly get to know you without bm's interferance and then make the decision whether they want to hang out all together. Andif then they wantot see dad on separate occasions, then its ok.Not before.