We don't Have to Do anything

17 years ago

I was reading another thread and a post from HopDrop5 got my attention. It was in response to the fact that as stepmoms we do so much and we really don't get anything in return. As expected, it is a thankless job we do.

But, the fact is and always is, that we as stepmoms, do not have to do anything for these children. Period. It isn't our responsiblity at all. But most of us do. For that, we are only criticized when we feel the need to vent to others. The reason for the citicizing is always the same, well you knew you were marrying a man with children blah blah blah. Yeah, so? We didn't marry with the agreement that we had to help raise his kids. Most do that freely of themselves. We could go on about our business and make the dads do everything for their kids.

I have said it before, just because your parents are divorced does not mean that you are more special than anyone else or that you can behave any way you wish. Especially if they are older. Yes, there are certain behaviors that are common to children of divorced parents, but most of what I see here is some over the top behavior. I mean would most of us be here if we were having a peachy keen time raising our blended families? I know I wouldn't.

But as step parents we are actually MORE giving, caring, loving, etc than anyone can possiblly understand, but we always get the wrap that we are just the opposite. Why? Because our step kids are given free reign to behave as they will and given excuses all the time from all over. They are never held responsible for their own behavior and choices. People always rush to their aid, if you will and give excuses such as well they have step parents, or they are at that age or this or that. It is ridiculous and people need to open their eyes.

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Comments (7)

ceph
17 years ago
Are you just trying to rile people up here?
Making such an inflammatory post a few days after joining a forum isn't likely to win you many friends...
justnotmartha
17 years ago
You are so right - we stepmoms don't have to do anything . . . starting with marrying a man with children.

"The reason for the citicizing is always the same, well you knew you were marrying a man with children blah blah blah. Yeah, so? We didn't marry with the agreement that we had to help raise his kids. Most do that freely of themselves. We could go on about our business and make the dads do everything for their kids."

It's always the same because it is TRUE. To go into a relationship with a man having children and believe you can have absolutely nothing to do with them is as ridiculous as some of the blanket statements you go on to make. If you don't marry a man with kids agreeing to care for them, then what business do you have marrying him at all??
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organic_maria
17 years ago
"To go into a relationship with a man having children and believe you can have absolutely nothing to do with them is as ridiculous as some of the blanket statements you go on to make. If you don't marry a man with kids agreeing to care for them, then what business do you have marrying him at all?? "

I think what wild thing is saying is that we get the wrap and BS when things dont go well and their way for BM and stepkids. That stepchildren are raised with this double standard. And i think to me its mostly the parents fault for not putting their foot down.
And as for the statement above...that is ridiculus! ANYONE CAN MARRY WHOEVER THEY LIKE. WE ARE ADULTS AND ARE NOT RULED BY CHILDREN. If you think like this then i guess your kids have you whipped!
And let me make this VERY CLEAR, cause i've seen this countless of times and this is also true. You say, that its absolutely ridiculous to enter in a relationship with a man with children and have nothing to do with the kids, and yet BIOMOM IS DEMANDING THE EXACT THING. THAT YOU ARE NOT THE MOM ,NOT ENTITLED TO DO ANYTHING WITH HER CHILD SHE MAKES SURE TO TELL THIS TO THE CHILD.
So who is being ridiculous here??????
I'm sorry, but i understand what wild thing is saying and i've read alot of post on this site and sm do get a bad rap. Every situation is diffirent..granted...some SM do go over the line. ANd the one thing i have to say, whether you are a SM or a biomom it is a thankless job.
But the thought of stating that someone has no business in marrying a man with kids .......there are alot of woman here, that yes, if you do get into a marriage saying you want nothing to do with the kids, and he has full custody, then no, the marriage should not go through. That i agree with you.
But wild thing here is clearing stating that the kids are running a muck. That we do not have an obligation to them but do it anyways and then get blamed for things. That is all she is saying. and yes when you marry the agreement usually from the DH is 'i'll handle things' and then it doesnt' happen eh...like descipline cause he doesn't want to look like the bad guy.
And i thank GOD that my husband puts his foot down with his kids even though we get them eow..and now less cause they hit their teens.
example
1. dad i want a bike here dad's response, ' you have a bike at mom's , bring it over when you want' kids' response ' mom wont' let me, she said for you to buy another' dad's response' no, you have one and only one bike, i will not buy you another, and since your mom wont allow you then its a problem between mom and you.'
nivea
17 years ago
wild thing, what over the top behavior do you see here?

I really don't think making a child beg to stay in their own home is more giving, caring or loving than whatever you're trying to say. It's pretty cruel in my book.
kathline
17 years ago
Again I am thinking that the drama in wild_things home is a two way street.

The main focus of her post is that she is angry at what her SD is doing and wants her gone. Period. Not...how can I handle my anger over this, or...what can I do to disengage and let husband handle it, or...how can I help SD to get better.

I would suggest some family therapy and some personal therapy to help sort out the family dynamics, and to help OP get over herself.
cindy_pond
17 years ago
Wild thing,
Sounds like you've been hurt by your stepkids. I can relate.
I tried to do so much for mine when they were younger and their mother was using them as a pawn to get to their father. My husband let them run rampant out of guilt...giving them credit cards, cell phones and when they were old enough, cars...it was a disaster. They got into drugs and tried all kinds of ways to get both of their parents attention...they just wanted to be parented by their biological parents..So, After many years of being stolen from, and lied to, I just put the ball down and stopped trying. That doesn't mean I was cruel to them...I have always been civil. I just stopped trying to be something to them that they didn't want or ask for in the first place. They are grown now and I have little to do with them. When we see each other everyone is warm and respectful to one another. Their father and I have a wonderful relationship and we both realize the mistakes we made and the growing up we all had to do. Time is a wonderful healer ...it just takes patience.
pseudo_mom
17 years ago
Wild... I am a firm believer in we don't have to do anything for our SC I do it because I want to.

When my SC bark orders at me they are told I do not have to do anything for you I do for you because I want to

When they bark at me "you're not my mother" the standard answer is then don't expect me to do anything a mother would do ...

My mother said/says ... have your mother call me and tell me herself I do not want to hear her words out of your mouth.

When your SD is pulling something you don't like walk away ... I know its hard because you want something better for them you see potential they do not... but her acting out is looking for dad's attention not yours ... if he isn't responding its on him to fix it .... but that goes two ways he cannot come to and complain about what she is doing unless he is willing to do something about it.

Hardest lesson for me to learn was with SS13 smart kid just can't be bothered. Gets in trouble at school I relay the message to dad. I have been stressing with him for 2 years his behavior in middle school will affect his HS choices he wants to go to a specific high school ... but behavior and grades will effect that choice he knows it ...he met with the guidance counselor at school who told him the same thing I have been saying for 2 years ....

So the other day he was asking if I would help him get into his high school of choice ... told him I will put as much effort into it as he does ... get better grades show me you want my help and I will help you no improvement don't expect any effort from me.

I have a get what you give attitude with my SC.

We don't Have to Do anything

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ceph

justnotmartha

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