I think you answered your own question. Problem is not with the daughter, but with DH. You may think he's wrong all you want, but if this is the hill he's decided that he wants to die on ... it might be the end of the relationship. Is it more important to be right or to be together? Its a choice only you can make. Sounds like the daughter has quite a full load with 8 hours of school, work and all those chores. Could it be that DH thinks its being overdone?

Dand RosieL....I was nodding my head and agreeing with you ...at first....Everyone needs to help out regardless of their work and school schedules... I went to school and worked. I also cleaned the entire house for my mom on Saturdays for $5.00...Wow what a deal she was getting!!! lol.....When I became an adult guess what happened?? I worked all day.. went to school at night and had to clean the my entire house myself.. Than I started a part time business also...IT canbe done and teaching it at a young age pays off!!

At 16 this always happens. Me and my sister did the same thing. WHen I read the post it seemed that you are mad that she is making hamburger helper for dinner? THat seems like you are just looking for something else to be mad about. She is 16 what do you expect a 4 star culinary? If she is working and going to school, that does take a lot out of a person. Especially at 16. If she was just doing it on Saturday like teeweeone, then it wouldnt be that much of a strain but to do all that on weekdays is too much in my opinion. IF your husband wants to do it let him. If she was being lazy and not working, then there would be more of a problem. HE does know his kids better than you just as you know your kids better that he does. This is a time for her when she has a lot on her mind with college coming up and SATs. Maybe her dad sees this and wants to help her.

We had a tenant once that reminded me of this. Her whole life was making lists of chores for the kids to do while she did nothing but make lists. Don't mean to say you are doing this ... but . The MOm had 2 of her own and 2 steps and I never met a lazier woman that had a cleaner home. She had time for bridge and church clubs and the kids did all the work!!! I work at home. I run a business, do all the outdooor work and the indoor work as well. I do everything plus run a busineess. I would NEVER have my kids do my work. Its not the kids place to run the home. Shame on p[eople that think the kids should be doing their work because they got themselves into a mess. Clean their own rooms. Yes. Do homework. Yes. Get good grades. Yes. Do your housework? Shame on you!!! v Sorry. Tired of seeing adults treating kids like adults.

Hum..if they don't learn how to clean house while at home..what happens when they get out on their own? Use an iron?? What takes this stain out of this?? How's the best way to get clothes white? You mean if I put a red shirt in with white towels I'll have pink towels?
I don't expect children to clean the entire house, but they can have a job or 2 around the house. Learning how to work , and solve problems never hurts.

Rosie: When I was growing up, my mother made me clean my room, help with the cooking, clean the kitchen after dinner and other miscellaneous chores (my mother didn't work). I did not however, mow the grass, scrub the floors, do the grocery shopping, wash the families (6 of us) laundry, help the others with their homework, pay the bills, plant the garden (although I did help weed and pick the vegetables), maintanin the cars and other household appliances. My mother worked very hard at home raising 4 kids while my father worked 12 hours, 7 days a week at Fords to provide for the family. I also went to school and got very good grades, participated in the band and played softball in the summer. At the time, I thought she was the meanest mother in the world, but when I got married at 20, I found out that I had no problem keeping a house, working full time, going to school at night and eventually having children. I was capable of doing all this because my mother prepared me for adulthood. I am very gratefully for that now.
Take my stepdaughter for example. I entered her life when she was 15 (she is now 18). She lived with her mother for a few months in the beginning, but decided she preferred to live with her dad and I (and my boys)full time. She did not assist me in any way with anything to do with the house, but was very demanding about being driven here and there and asking for money as if it grew on trees. I asked for her help ie: taking her own dishes off the table and putting them in the dishwasher, etc, and she said she shouldn't have to do that because her mother made her do those things when she was 4 years old. This seemed to be a common excuse which her father and grandmother (who lived with them for 4 years) says did not happen. I didn't want to be a b**chy stepmother , so I didn't press the issue. She was getting good grades in school and was a cheerleader so I figured her time was better spent on those activities. Big mistake!!! She is now 18 and can't even make it out of bed for a 10:00 class at college. She has been late for work many times because she "just slept in" (I can't believe they haven't fired her). Her claim now is that she is 18 and is legally an adult and we cannot ask her to do anything. She began college in September and has now dropped out because she cannot balance, work (20 hrs wk), school 4 classes and socializing with her friends. She demands to be treated like an adult,but was never made to accept any responsibility, so she doesn't know how to act like an adult. I firmly believe that if she had been made to be a part of the family and take responsibility for helping in the running of the household, she would be better prepared for "adulthood". So now we have a disrespectful, inconsiderate, lazy 18 year old in our house that causes a terrible disruption to the rest of the family. How am I supposed to teach my boys how to be proper, respectful, considerate young men when they have an example just the opposite in the household? We have now thrown away $2500.00 in college tuition (which we can't afford) and she has forfeited a $2500.00 MEAP scholarship. What a waste!!! But let's not forget, she has lots of time to socialize with her friends now!!!!! That is really going to get her far in life.
Kids need to know that life is not easy and having them help around the house is not going to cause them any harm.

My boys were 7 and 9 when I got divorced. I made it a point not to make them be little "men of the house" and I took on every responsibility of housework and yardwork myself. I have always resented the amount of housework and the demands that my mother put on me when I was growing up. So I told the boys that their responsibility was their own belongings and their rooms as well as their schoolwork. As they got older they excelled at school and were involved in extracurricular activities. It finally got to a point where I felt that I had created 2 monsters who didn't know how to take care of a home. When my oldest moved out I was surprised. He did laundry, washed dishes, cooked, cleaned, yardwork everything that he had seen me doing over the years. So I firmly believe that kids learn from example. Plus they had time to be kids and do kid things. My youngest is a freshman in college, I've seen his dorm and it is not too bad at all.
I think if I were in your situation alagard, I would just let the situation go. Maybe you should offer rewards for the chores the kids do. Then they wouldn't feel slighted when they see the 16 slacking off. And maybe the 16 year old would feel left out and want to contribute. You could take the kids for ice cream or a movie while your DH stays home doing laundry. Personally, I would ignore the situation before I would let it ruin my marriage. Your marriage is more valuable then a 16 year old girl learning to help out around the house. Don't let a 16 year old kid get the better of your emotions.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with kids having chores around the house, geared toward their age, of course. What kid enjoys straightening up or folding a basket of clothes?? None ... heck, I hate it myself! But it is a necessary evil, and it's everyone in the household's responsibility, not just MINE. I don't think kids should have to clean the whole house by themselves, but some routine chores are definitely appropriate. Do they like it? Of course not! I always have to remind my daughter to unload the dishwasher -- she'll never do it without prompting. That bugs me, yes, but she does do it. So I just remind her.
And so what if they are working and going to school! Big deal -- they'll just have 15 minutes less to spend on the telephone socializing. Just because we gave birth to 'em doesn't mean we are their chef and maid!

You absolutely need to come to some sort of compromise with your husband on this one. It's not fair for him to expect you to do it all with no help. Perhaps you are expecting too much from his daughter -- talk to him and see if you can come to an agreement you can both live with. For example, if she is to cook dinner once a week, expect hamburger helper again. Appreciate that she did it, and that you don't have to cook. Eat it, smile and say "thank you - great dinner" ... I know that hamburger helper is about the most gourmet dish my 16 year old can manage in the kitchen! No matter what compromise you come to, you two need to become a united front.

rosie l...you would hate my house...we have 5 kids..3 are mine biologically. I work full time outside the home and work at home running kids to skating, soccer, hockey, swimming,dance etc..chores are part of contributing to a household..doing all the work for kids teaches children nothing but laziness...they may be kids now but our job as parents are to raise them into ADULTs..productive ones at that...my ex says it is bootcamp...but the kids help willingly (and get allowance) for doing so and lose 50 cents for missed chores and $1 for poor behavior like talking back..it works and certainly I cannot be seen as lazy for them doing it...they want to do extra curricular...in order to do that the home has to be taken care of together...we all pitch in

I agree that kids should have chores. My 11 y.o. ds empties the dishwasher, swiffers the floors after I vaccuum, and takes out the garbage. He also feeds the pets. And he does not get an allowance for these things - - they are simply his responsibility.

However, I do believe that the key to getting kids to do chores is to assign chores that they don't hate and that aren't too time consuming. Doing all of the laundry for the family is a pretty boring and onerous and never-ending and, yes, even gross (I never would have agreed to do my brother's laundry!) responsibility for a 16 y.o. I can see having her do her own laundry and picking up after herself, and then assigning her dinner once per week (Hamburger Helper being perfectly acceptable for a teen) and some other discreet chores that she can easily fit into her schedule and that play to her strengths. At 16, she does have a lot going on in her life outside the home.

Wow, for some reason I never rec'd the responses to this post in my email when I wrote it in 2002. So here's an update- read MIStepmom's post and that is exactly what we went thru. The college wasted, etc. She is now married with a 3 mo. old. They live w/ his mom and she does everything for them. He has a 4 yr degree in computer science but can't find a job,hmmm... She still sleeps till noon cause mommy gets up with the baby. The mom's house is always messy and cluttered. So I guess she found the right guy for her - one whose mom will do all the dirty work and love it. My oldest son is also now married w/ an 8 mo. old. He did have chores and responsibilities. He has an excellant job, is buying a home and does ALOT of the child care. His wife's mother is, basically no housekeeper at all and therefore never taught her daughter how to do it. She (my DIL) says she wants a clean orderly house but really doesn't have any idea how to go about it. So I'm giving her lessons. My kids didn't like doing chores either, but they most certainly didn't do the majority of them and now that they are grown and in thier own homes, they tell me how much they appreciated the home I kept and being taught to do it themselves. They also appreciate WHY I asked for thier help. The stepdaughter? Well, let's just hope they live with his mom the rest of thier lives, cause I'm sure not going to put up with that if they break up and she moves back home. We now only have the 13 (aaughhh!?) yr. old daughter (mine) and 12 yr. old son (his) at home and ohhh the peace! They have a couple of chores, plus their rooms and bathrooms. They ask why I insist they keep "THIER" rooms cleaned up. The reason is, if I don't, they get so bad that the kids are totally overwelmed with how to get them livable again and guess who has to clean them?? So, at least once a week, they have to find the floor.